(no subject)
This updating thing is weird now. I don't really see the point in my updating anything; I don't see anyone really giving a shit about what goes on in my life. And as for the people that do...well, I already talk to most of them. What I mean to say, is that this is a very difficult medium to use to describe my mood and what the whole situation with my life is. My mood changes too much and my life is a constant soap opera...or a constant search for entertainment. Take your pick; I'm sure everyone's life is about the same...it's just the details that are different.
I like to pretend I am artsy anymore. I take pictures, I draw, I am working in video, I take dance class, I practice on the djembe. I am alive to the sights and sounds and physicality around me, and I like to get drunk with it. I am literally working to get down to the root of things, and to see them as best as I can. I indulge in creative energy, and I selfishly seek it out to get high. It's an addiction to feeling alive, which is how I see creative energy anymore. And, in lieu of the things I want in other areas, this is what I most directly want to pursue. Because on a personal level, it fulfills so much of what I need aesthetically.
As far as my other wants go, I have to wait and see how things work out. Thus, I can indulge in my new thirst for being artistic and self-exploring. I suppose in the long run, that's how it should be. Either way, that's how it has got to be, so...there.
My family is crazy as ever. I want it to be fixed and happy, I want the deep scars that help put acid in the fresh problems going on right now to be mended, because if they were, our problems now would be easier to fix and to bear emotionally. But I'm starting to wonder if families can ever be that perceived notion of "normal", or if everyone just has tight, strained connections. I always liked the idea of having a family that was..."normal", that loved each other and enjoyed the time we could spend with each other. Whatever. Honestly, I don't need to waste time thinking about it. It is what it is, and I can only be what I am and do what I do to help it or hurt it. That goes completely against the grain of what I began saying, what I said I wanted, and I know that. However, that doesn't change my decision. My family has not taken any steps to fix their situation. As a group of individuals, they lay the same shaky blocks filled with problems that make up the foundation. Not one of them are willing to tear the representative wall of our family down and rebuild it into something better. Nor are they willing to lay blocks that are strong and wholesome. Each one of them are willing to run away from problems, ignoring issues and simply sweeping everything under the carpet. I have spent too long being the glue that holds everything to some version of normalcy. Many times I have been the communication translator between my nana and my mom, or my brother and my mom, or my sister and my brother. Many times I have created the solutions to problems that shouldn't have been mine.
This is me focusing on the negative. I admit it. As a family we can sit to thanksgiving dinner and talk as if everything is okay. But a house is only as strong as it's foundation. When dinner is over, I still feel like I am a disappointment to my nana, or the second mom to my siblings, or whatever my mom needs me for. I have still been fucked over by my brother, and have still been an over-extended resource used by everyone. This means I refuse to have any deeper relationship with my brother. I spend only the time I have to with my nana. I only do what I must for my mom and her kids. I cannot quit, but I will not give my all.
As for the positive, I can have better conversations with my mom than I used to. I enjoy hanging out with my sister more. I still have Sam, who understands me like I understand him. And that's comforting.
My life has been pretty much consumed with those two things and the friends I hang out with or talk to. I keep from going insane that way, fortunately. I am grateful to have social interaction, the bond of friendship. I am grateful for love, in all its forms. I need all the love I can get, cuz dammit, I am a greedy little fucker.
I miss people I don't get to see a lot, cuz of silly things like college and living far away. It's like a lot of the diversity of my friends went away. No, I'm not saying the people in town are boring. That would be silly. Everyone simply brings something different.
In other news, I am excited for new adventures that seem to be popping up. The opportunity to visit people, the prospect of making new art, learning new things...it's all exciting and new and I am just like an over excited puppy about it. Fortunately, I can keep a lot of that at bay, otherwise I'm sure someone would have me committed.
In closing...that's what it is lately. I'm still a disjointed writer, I don't have much of a point, and I don't expect a lot of people to keep up with a lot of it. And honestly? For the first time, I really don't mind.
I like to pretend I am artsy anymore. I take pictures, I draw, I am working in video, I take dance class, I practice on the djembe. I am alive to the sights and sounds and physicality around me, and I like to get drunk with it. I am literally working to get down to the root of things, and to see them as best as I can. I indulge in creative energy, and I selfishly seek it out to get high. It's an addiction to feeling alive, which is how I see creative energy anymore. And, in lieu of the things I want in other areas, this is what I most directly want to pursue. Because on a personal level, it fulfills so much of what I need aesthetically.
As far as my other wants go, I have to wait and see how things work out. Thus, I can indulge in my new thirst for being artistic and self-exploring. I suppose in the long run, that's how it should be. Either way, that's how it has got to be, so...there.
My family is crazy as ever. I want it to be fixed and happy, I want the deep scars that help put acid in the fresh problems going on right now to be mended, because if they were, our problems now would be easier to fix and to bear emotionally. But I'm starting to wonder if families can ever be that perceived notion of "normal", or if everyone just has tight, strained connections. I always liked the idea of having a family that was..."normal", that loved each other and enjoyed the time we could spend with each other. Whatever. Honestly, I don't need to waste time thinking about it. It is what it is, and I can only be what I am and do what I do to help it or hurt it. That goes completely against the grain of what I began saying, what I said I wanted, and I know that. However, that doesn't change my decision. My family has not taken any steps to fix their situation. As a group of individuals, they lay the same shaky blocks filled with problems that make up the foundation. Not one of them are willing to tear the representative wall of our family down and rebuild it into something better. Nor are they willing to lay blocks that are strong and wholesome. Each one of them are willing to run away from problems, ignoring issues and simply sweeping everything under the carpet. I have spent too long being the glue that holds everything to some version of normalcy. Many times I have been the communication translator between my nana and my mom, or my brother and my mom, or my sister and my brother. Many times I have created the solutions to problems that shouldn't have been mine.
This is me focusing on the negative. I admit it. As a family we can sit to thanksgiving dinner and talk as if everything is okay. But a house is only as strong as it's foundation. When dinner is over, I still feel like I am a disappointment to my nana, or the second mom to my siblings, or whatever my mom needs me for. I have still been fucked over by my brother, and have still been an over-extended resource used by everyone. This means I refuse to have any deeper relationship with my brother. I spend only the time I have to with my nana. I only do what I must for my mom and her kids. I cannot quit, but I will not give my all.
As for the positive, I can have better conversations with my mom than I used to. I enjoy hanging out with my sister more. I still have Sam, who understands me like I understand him. And that's comforting.
My life has been pretty much consumed with those two things and the friends I hang out with or talk to. I keep from going insane that way, fortunately. I am grateful to have social interaction, the bond of friendship. I am grateful for love, in all its forms. I need all the love I can get, cuz dammit, I am a greedy little fucker.
I miss people I don't get to see a lot, cuz of silly things like college and living far away. It's like a lot of the diversity of my friends went away. No, I'm not saying the people in town are boring. That would be silly. Everyone simply brings something different.
In other news, I am excited for new adventures that seem to be popping up. The opportunity to visit people, the prospect of making new art, learning new things...it's all exciting and new and I am just like an over excited puppy about it. Fortunately, I can keep a lot of that at bay, otherwise I'm sure someone would have me committed.
In closing...that's what it is lately. I'm still a disjointed writer, I don't have much of a point, and I don't expect a lot of people to keep up with a lot of it. And honestly? For the first time, I really don't mind.