Random Crap and 1st Part of Katie's Christmas Fic
OMG. I found this yesterday. And I've now watched it a zillion times. It kills me. I had to share it.
There are four more (Episodes 1-5) and I seriously can't think of anything better.
In other news. Finished Editing Katie's Fic.
And here it be:
How House Lost His Cane
or
It’s Never...Until It Is
Dedication: This is a product of my crazy and unbelievably messed up mind that I concocted for my best friend/soulmate, Katie, lone_hobbit. Katie, I love you desperately and this is just a small measure of how much. I hope you enjoy it.
Disclaimer: I, fortunately for the world, do not own House. Or the kind of stuff you’re about to read might actually happen. So yeah. I don’t really own any of the other stuff in this story, but I like to think I do. That’s all I’m saying about that.
Author’s Notes: So, one day, Tara and Katie met. Some days later, they realized they were soulmates. And thus, to prove their soulmatiness, they made a lot of inside jokes. A lot of these appear in this story. Which could make this frustrating if you are not Katie and reading this story. Sorry. Enjoy it for what it is. I can’t really tell you that, but make something up. Pretend this is the best piece of literature you’ve ever read. And tell me so. The medical stuff is almost complete crap. I didn’t want to spend days and weeks researching. Deal. Oh. And as for a time line-this story takes place sometime in Season 2. Not for any particular reason, but I liked Cameron’s highlights and imagined her so as I wrote this story. Welcome to the mind of Tara. Be very afraid.
How House Lost His Cane
or
It’s Never...Until It Is
By Tara Cookson,queenofneurotic
Katie Combs glanced at the mile marker that was coming up and frowned when it didn’t say anything that she wished it did. She considered pulling over and getting the map out, but thought it would be easier to wake up the person dosing next to her. So she poked the person in the ribs.
The person, one Tara Cookson, moaned and swatted at Katie’s hand. “It’s too bright. I’m getting sunburned,” Tara complained. Then, “It’s my turn to sleep. I hate you.”
“You’re the navigator. Do your job,” Katie replied, looking back at the road. She saw another mile marker and it too said nothing that she wished it did.
Tara rolled her eyes and opened up the glove compartment. She first came into contact with a half-melted candy bar. “Katie. If this is all over my registration I’ll eat your head.” The map was more or less unaffected by the chocolate and Tara spread it out over her lap. “Where are we?”
“You’re supposed to tell me that.”
“I’ve been sleeping. Where are we?”
Katie shrugged, then pointed to a highway marker that appeared on the side of the road. Tara raised an eyebrow. “That doesn’t look like the right number.”
“What?”
“We’re on the wrong freeway.” Tara sighed. “This is why I never let you drive. Because stuff like this happens. How long have we be on this one?”
Katie smiled as disarmingly as she could, but Tara did not appear to be won over. “A few hours.”
“Shit,” Tara said. She didn’t even bother to fold up the map and threw it in the backseat. “I don’t even want to know where we are. I’m going back to sleep. Wake me when we reach an ocean.”
Katie stuck her tongue out at Tara, who stuck her’s out right back. Then she cranked the volume on the stereo, which was playing Barenaked Ladies. She tapped her fingers on the steering wheel. Katie saw a sign that made her smile and wince at the same time. “Hey, Tara. We’re in New Jersey.”
Tara sat up instantly and looked around. “Wow. You really screwed up.”
“Yep. You’re welcome.”
“We’re so going to miss the show tonight.”
“Yep,” Katie replied.
Tara rubbed her face with her hands. “Okay then. Let’s see if there’s anything in this stupid state.”
“They probably have theatre here too. We’re not in California,” Katie said, trying to be helpful. She saw a sign for fast food and pulled off the freeway, suddenly feeling very hungry. Tara had turned to face the window so Katie jabbed her. “Are you hungry?”
Tara didn’t say anything right away, instead making weird noises in her throat. Katie ignored it. Tara was weird. Katie parked at the fast food joint and poked Tara again. “If you’re not eating, at least give me money.” Tara still didn’t do anything. Katie rolled her eyes and got out of the car. She went over to the passenger side and yanked open the door. Tara shut her eyes against the light and pushed Katie away.
“Leave me alone.”
Katie grabbed Tara’s arm and noticed something she hadn’t before. There was a long ugly looking rash going up Tara’s arm. It was thick and red and sort of scaly. “How long have you had this? It’s gross.”
Tara looked at her arm in something like wonderment. “I...what sort of joke is this?”
“It’s not.” Katie bent to inspect the rash closer. And that was when Tara started shaking and flailing, eyes rolling back in her head. Katie got smacked full in the face by one of Tara’s hands. It took Katie a few seconds to get her mind in gear. Then she called 911.
***
“No.” Gregory House, M.D., tossed the file unceremoniously on Lisa Cuddy’s desk. She wasn’t amused.
“House,” Cuddy said, sounding like a scolding mother. “Have you forgotten the fact that I’m your employer? Take the case.”
House put on a big show of being disappointed. “But it’s boring.”
Cuddy smiled tightly. “I don’t care. Take an hour of your time, figure out what’s wrong with her and get her out of here.” She pushed the file back into House’s hands.
“But I have a date,” House complained.
“You’re meeting Wilson for lunch. Get to work.”
House pouted. “I won’t have enough time to do my hair.”
“Wilson will forgive you,” Cuddy replied, motioning for House to leave.
Finally, House turned to leave, but at the last moment turned and fixed Cuddy with a glare. “We are never asking you for a threesome. No matter how perky your breasts are.” Cuddy tightened her jaw. House gave a triumphant grin and left. He made his way back to his office and saw his team sitting around the conference table, sipping coffee and doing word puzzles. He dropped the file in Chase’s lap. “Have fun,” he said before leaving the room again. House could feel the eyes of his ducklings on him until he disappeared around the corner. He pushed open the door to Wilson’s office.
James Wilson was sitting at his desk and looked up, wearing his annoyed face. “What?”
“Take me somewhere nice for lunch. I’m thinking Italian. Booth in the back. Violins and candlelight.”
“Uh-huh,” Wilson replied. He had turned back to his paperwork. “You want a bouquet of roses too?”
“I was thinking of a tasteful corsage. With some blue to match your tie.”
Wilson couldn’t hide his grin. “Sorry. I can’t. We’ll have lunch tomorrow.”
It didn’t take House long to figure out what had happened. “Cuddy called you.”
“She said she gave you a case and I wasn’t to let you get out of it.”
House sighed, “Why can’t she let our love be?”
“Cuddy’s an evil tyrant,” Wilson said, dead pan. “Go work on your case.”
House shook his head in disappointment. “You are never any fun.”
“Neither are you,” Wilson replied, smirking.
“But I don’t pretend to be.”
Wilson sighed. “Get out, House.”
“Your lips say go, but your eyes say stay.” House did his best impression of a love-lost teenager.
Wilson rubbed his face with his hands. “Please. If you’re not going to work on your case, at least go torment someone who works for you. I have things to do.”
“It’s much more fun tormenting you. You make the most adorable faces...” Wilson glared. House grinned. “Just like that! Sometimes when you look at me that way, my heart...”
“Stop,” Wilson cut him off. He stood and pushed House toward the door. “Come back when you’ve saved the girl’s life. Or when she dies. Or when she sprouts wings and flies. Just later.”
House allowed Wilson to push him out the door. “Don’t forget my corsage!” Wilson rolled his eyes and shut the door.
***
Dr. Robert Chase arrived at the patient’s room. The blinds had been drawn and he couldn’t see in, but he could hear just fine. “Vacuous whore,” a woman said, scorn in her voice.
“I will stab you in the eye with a pencil,” came the answer, another woman.
Chase felt slightly worried and stepped into the room. “Is there a problem here?”
“No,” both women said at the same time, smiling. “Well, except for the hospitalization part,” added the one in the bed.
Though confused, Chase plastered on a smile on his face. “We’ll figure out what’s wrong and get you out of here as soon as possible.” He did a quick check of her vitals and saw everything was relatively normal. Chase noticed out of the corner of his eye that the patient’s friend had leaned over and was whispering something in her ear. The patient giggled.
“What’s so funny?” Chase asked.
“You have very pretty hair,” the friend said.
“Uh, thank you,” he said, at a loss for anything to say.
“I’m Katie. Would you mind if I touched your hair really quickly?” Katie smiled widely.
The patient rolled her eyes. “You have a problem.”
“I have a fetish. I don’t call your fetishes problems.”
“I don’t have fetishes.” Katie gave the patient a significant look. “Okay, I have less creepy fetishes.”
“Bondage is the definition of creepy fetish,” Katie said.
Chase felt the need to intervene before things got out of hand. “Excuse me?” The women looked at Chase. The patient looked a little contrite. “I’m Dr. Chase.” He glanced at the file. “Miss Cookson...we don’t have a medical history for you.”
“ Tara. And yeah. I’m adopted.”
“And you don’t know anything?”
“My birth mother liked basketball,” Tara smiled at him.
“You seem really chipper for someone who had a seizure a few hours ago,” Chase observed.
“I can assure you that I actually feel like crap.”
“Can you elaborate on that at all?”
Tara sighed, and Chase could see the cheerful mask slipping. “I’ve got this stabbing pain in my chest. And this stupid rash on my arm really started hurting.” Tara lifted up her right arm and showed him the thick rash on it. Chase studied it and made a note on the chart. “Have you ever had a seizure before?”
Tara shook her head. “Never.”
“And the rash?”
“First one.”
Chase sighed. “Is there anything else you can tell me?”
The patient shrugged. “Nope.”
“Liar,” Katie said. “She gets headaches all the time.”
“That probably has nothing to do with this...”
“It might,” Chase interjected. “How often and how intense?”
“Every few days,” Tara said after a moment of thought. “They aren’t too bad, but they do last a long time. I usually don’t get rid of them until the next day.”
Chase made another note and started toward the door. “I’m going to order a few tests, and I’ll let you know.”
“Thanks,” Tara said.
“Um.”
Chase turned. Katie was standing right beside him. He jumped back. “She does that,” Tara called from the bed.
“It’s weird,” Chase answered.
“I know.”
Chase finally acknowledged Katie. “Yes.”
“Hair? Please?”
“Really?” Chase asked.
“She won’t drop it until you let her. Might as well.”
Katie grinned. “She’s right.” Chase sighed and dipped his head slightly. Katie’s grin widened. She plunged one of her hands into his hair and ruffled it aggressively. After a moment, Katie stopped. “Thanks. You have really great hair.”
“You’re welcome.” Chase fled.
***
Allison Cameron repressed the urge to laugh. Barely. Chase’s lips were set in a thin line. “What happened to your hair?” Cameron asked after a moment, her mouth curling up slightly at the corners.
Chase slapped the file on the table. “They’re insane. The tall one should be committed.”
“The tall one?” Foreman asked, grabbing the file and peeking at the new notes Chase had made. “When did we get another patient?”
“She’s not another patient, she’s the patient’s crazy friend, girlfriend, I don’t know. But she’s insane.” Chase ran his fingers through his hair, trying to right the damage done.
“Did you find anything out? Other than that her girlfriend is insane?” Foreman passed the file to Cameron. “What do you think it is?”
Chase opened his mouth as if to speak, but at that moment there was a bang on the door separating the conference room from House’s office. The three turned and saw House’s tennis ball lying by the door. “Hey!” House called a second later. “Did you cure her yet?”
“No,” Chase replied, then turned back to Foreman. “I think it may be...”
“Talk louder!” House interrupted.
“You could just come in here,” Cameron suggested.
“I’m crippled.”
“Are we talking physically or emotionally?” Foreman shot back. “You are physically capable of making it across your office and into this room. Emotional problems don’t keep you from walking.”
After a moment, “I’m lazy. And you work for me.”
Cameron stood up with a sigh, bringing the file with her. Foreman and Chase followed reluctantly. “House sure is pleasant today,” Chase commented.
“He’s moody because Cuddy won’t let him play with Wilson,” Foreman said lowly, hoping House wouldn’t hear.
He did. House pointed dramatically at his tennis ball. “Pick up my ball, boy!”
The smile fell from Foreman’s face. He picked up the ball and lobbed it at House’s head. House caught it before it collided with his forehead. “Nice,” House said before setting the ball on his desk. “So. Rash and Seizure Girl.”
“Also has chest pain and frequent headaches,” Chase said.
“And the MRI?” House asked.
“What MRI?” Cameron replied.
“You didn’t do an MRI?”
“You didn’t ask us to do an MRI,” Foreman said, probably because he wanted to be a part of the conversation.
House grimaced. “I didn’t ask you to be pains in my ass either, but you do it anyway. The girl has seizures and frequent headaches. What else are you going to do?”
“We just found out about the headaches. Ten minutes ago,” Chase said, covering his ass as best he could.
House looked like he had more to say about it, so Foreman cut him off. “I’ll go get the MRI.” He was almost out the door when Chase stopped him.
“Watch out for her friend. Really. Insane.”
“I think I can handle it,” Foreman said, with a small grin.
House looked expectantly at Cameron. “What?” Cameron said.
“Did you at least biopsy the rash?”
Cameron looked slightly ashamed. “Not yet.”
“Are you just trying to annoy me today?” House threw up his hands. “I thought you guys could take a case without me looking over your shoulders.”
“We can,” Cameron replied weakly.
“Yeah,” House said. “You’re doing a great job. Do you want a cookie?” House pulled out his bottle of vicodin and slammed back two pills. Cameron and Chase looked at him. “Don’t you have tests to run?” Chase made for the door and quickly disappeared. Cameron stood where she was. “What?”
“Nothing.”
“Then why are you still standing here?”
Cameron shrugged. “You seem lonely.”
“I seem annoyed. And that’s because I am.” House picked up his tennis ball and threw it against the opposite wall. “Go scrape some of the girl’s skin off.”
“Did Cuddy really tell you that you couldn’t play with Wilson?”
House threw his ball at Cameron. Her reflexes were slow, and it hit her in the chest, hard. “Ow!” Cameron exclaimed. “You don’t have to act like you’re five.”
House grinned. “And that’s why it’s fun. Run along or I’ll make you eat dirt.”
“You are...” Cameron started.
“Charming?” House supplied.
“No. That’s not what I was going to say.”
“But you were thinking it,” House said, a smile slowly growing on his face. Cameron, defeated, turned to leave. “You so were.”
***
Eric Foreman was losing his cool. Rash and Seizure Girl, who also had chest pain and frequent headaches, was not being a cooperative as she could have been. “It is going to hurt?” she asked, for perhaps the fourth time.
“No. There’s just going to be some loud noises. And you need to stay as still as you can,” Foreman said. For the fourth time.
“I’m a little claustrophobic.”
She’d said that before too. “Look, Tara, I understand you’re nervous. But it’ll be fine. And your girlfriend will be with me in the next room.”
Tara giggled suddenly. “Katie isn’t my girlfriend.”
Foreman was a little shocked, “Really? You two seem awfully close.”
“Oh we are. She’s my soul mate.”
“And you’re not together?”
“Not in the sweaty way. Usually.” Foreman’s eyebrows shot up. Tara laughed. “Not ever actually. I just wanted to see if your eyebrows would do that. Anyway, we’re facebook married.”
Foreman sighed. And Chase said the tall one was the crazy one. “Are you ready?”
“You know, my brother did this once. He was unconscious. Do you think I could do that too?”
“Be unconscious?” Foreman asked, perplexed.
“Yeah. It won’t freak me out if I’m not awake.”
Foreman patted Rash and Seizure Girl’s shoulder in what he hoped was a comforting way. “I’m going to run the test now, okay?”
Tara looked resigned. “Fine.” Foreman started to exit the room. “You’re leaving?” Tara called.
“I need to leave to run the test.”
“But then I’ll be here all by myself. That isn’t fair to my emotional state.” The girl sounded genuinely worried.
“I’ll be able to hear you and you can hear me. And Katie. You’ll be fine.” Tara looked like she might speak again, but she didn’t and Foreman finally got out of the room.
Katie was waiting just outside and followed him into the monitoring room. “This is so cool,” she said.
“Yeah,” Foreman said, not really paying attention. Until Katie touched the computer. “Don’t touch anything.”
“Oh. Okay.” A few second passed. Foreman was just about to tell Tara over the microphone that he was going to start the test. Then Katie said, “Can I touch your head? It’s shiny.”
Foreman wondered what he had done to deserve this. Maybe God was getting back at him for ignoring his brother. “No. You cannot touch my head.”
“I won’t scratch you or anything.”
“You still can’t touch my head.” Katie reached out and latched a hand onto his head. Foreman jerked away. “I told you no!”
Katie grinned. “Funny how I touched your head anyway.”
Foreman shook a finger at her. “That’s harassment.”
“I just touched your head! It was complementary. I’m very picky about who’s heads I touch.” Foreman raised an eyebrow. “Okay. I’m not picky. I like hair. And the absence of hair. The whole head area.”
Foreman’s eyebrow went higher. Katie felt the need to explain more. “It’s a fetish. Not a problem.”
“Uh-huh,” Foreman said, feeling that placating the insane girl would be the best course of action. “Can I run the MRI or are you going to grab me again?”
“I’ll be good,” Katie said. Foreman didn’t believe her, but he sat down at the computer anyway.
An anxious voice came over the speakers. “Hey. Did you guys forget about me?”
***
Doctor James Wilson peeked his head out of his office door. He looked up and down the hallway as far as he could. Not seeing House, he decided it was safe to venture out. He locked his office behind him, not that it would deter House from getting in if he really put his mind to it. Wilson knew if his best friend accosted him again, he wouldn’t be able to stop from giving in. And then Cuddy would give him one of her looks and he really didn’t want that.
Wilson made his way to the elevator and had the bad fortune of glancing at his watch the moment the elevator opened and a girl tore out of it. The end result was a collision of massive proportions. Wilson ended up landing very hard on his tailbone. The girl, who had managed to remain standing, looked mortified. “Oh. I’m sorry. Really. Sorry.” She extended a hand, which he accepted. She pulled him up. “Really. I’m a little upset and I wasn’t looking...”
“It’s fine,” Wilson said as reassuringly as he could.
“I don’t even know if I’m on the right floor,” the girl continued.
“Who are you looking for?” Wilson asked, ever helpful.
“Doctor House.”
Wilson sighed. “Of course. What did he do this time?”
“Oh. Nothing. I actually don’t know who he is. Except Doctor Foreman said he was Tara’s doctor and I should talk to him,” the girl took a breath and Wilson thought she was done talking, but she wasn’t. “And that’s weird, because we’ve seen three different doctors...well, four if you count the first one with the boobs... and this guy that is supposedly her doctor hasn’t even shown up. It doesn’t seem right...”
Wilson saw his dreams of a caesar salad disappearing. “Why did Foreman tell you to see Doctor House?”
“Because he’s being mean.”
“House? But you haven’t...”
The girl rolled her eyes. “No, Foreman is being mean. I told him I had a problem with that and he said to take it up with Doctor House.”
“What did Foreman do to you?”
“He kicked me out.”
“Of?”
“That little room where you do the MRI. Tara wanted me to be there and he kicked me out.”
“Why?”
“He said I was being distracting.”
Wilson ventured a guess. “Were you?”
The girl sighed. “Maybe. But that’s not the point. Tara was really scared, and I needed to be there...”
“Hey,” Wilson put a comforting hand on the girl’s shoulder. “It’ll be okay. House is one of the best doctors we have. He’ll figure out what’s wrong with your friend. Why don’t you go get yourself some coffee or something and I’ll make sure one of House’s team finds you after the test is done. Okay?”
Reluctantly the girl nodded. “Yeah, okay.” She turned back to the elevator. “Um, where do I find coffee?”
Wilson was about to answer, when House opened the door to his office and peered out. “Wilson!” House called.
“For the love of..” Wilson muttered before turning toward House. “What?”
“Why aren’t you in my office ravishing me?”
“That’s so hot!” came an excited squeal behind him. Wilson turned and saw the girl smiling like she had just gotten a pony for Christmas. He was suddenly very frightened of her.
“I’m busy,” Wilson said once he could be sure his voice wouldn’t do something funny. He spoke to the girl, “I’ll show you where the cafeteria is.” He gestured and she got in the elevator and he followed her, pointedly not looking at House.
“She’ll never last, Wilson. What we have is eternal!” House cried out as the doors slid shut. Wilson tried not to catch the girl’s eye. She was grinning ridiculously at him. Eventually he had to say something. “What?”
“So you two are together?”
Wilson sighed heavily. “No. He’s just my idiot best friend.”
The girl looked a little crushed. “Oh. That’s lame.” After a few seconds, “Are you sure? I was totally getting homoerotic vibes between you guys.”
“He was down the hall. We had a fifteen second conversation.”
“That’s all it takes,” the girl said. “I am an expert on this, you know.”
The door to the elevator slid open. “You are an expert on what exactly?” Wilson headed for the cafeteria and the girl followed.
“On homoerotic best friend relationships.”
Wilson wondered briefly how all the crazy ones found him. “And how did you get to be such an expert?”
The girl grinned. “Because I’m in one. The classic signs are overt sexual comments in public and the obvious frustration of the one who’s gay.” The girl headed into the cafeteria. “See you.” She gave a little wave, a smirk and she was gone in the sea of people.
Wilson was all the way back to his office before he realized that she had just called him gay.
***
Tara Cookson was starting to feel very worried. She was worried to begin with, because she was in a hospital, but she had also had an MRI and her best friend had disappeared. Plus, the chest pain seemed to be getting worse. She coughed experimentally.
The sliding glass door to her room opened, and she looked in that direction hopefully. When the female doctor...Cameron, she was pretty sure, walked in, she sighed. It couldn’t be the one with the boobs. Life wasn’t that nice to her. “How are you feeling?” Cameron asked.
“Shitty,” Tara answered. Cameron walked over to the blinds, which had been shut and slid them open to let in the early afternoon sun. Tara winced. “Hey, could you keep those closed?”
“Sure,” Cameron replied. She slid the blinds shut. “Can I ask why?”
“Don’t like the sun. When you’re as white as I am, you learn to fear it.”
“So you’re sensitive to light?” the doctor asked, like she was onto something.
Tara shrugged. “I guess. I don’t really like being outside when it’s really bright. I get sunburned really easily.”
“How long have you been like that?” Cameron looked at some of the machines that Tara was hooked to.
“Forever. Sun’s not my thing.” Tara bit her lip. “How does everything look? I’m not dying or anything right?”
“Not yet,” Cameron said.
Tara could feel all the blood leaving her face. “Excuse me?”
Cameron seemed to realize what she had said. “Oh, I’m sorry. Everything’s fine. We’re just trying to connect the dots and see what’s wrong with you.”
“Good,” Tara said, sighing. “Have you seen Katie anywhere?”
Cameron smiled apologetically. “I’ll go see if I can find her in a few minutes, okay?”
“Thanks.”
“We’ll have the blood test results back soon, and the team will take a look at your MRI and see what’s up. How’s your arm doing?” Cameron reached for the arm with the rash on it.
Tara felt tears welling up in her eyes. “Worse.” The rash had spread farther up her arm and had changed from a bright red to a darker red. Tara gestured to one of the bags hanging from the IV rack. “Isn’t one of those supposed to stop that from happening?”
“If it was an allergic reaction. If its spreading, it isn’t an allergy.”
Tara wiped at her eyes with the back of her hand. “This is so stupid. Look, I haven’t had another seizure. Can’t you just give me a cream for the rash and let me go?”
Cameron smiled sympathetically and shook her head. “If we don’t know the problem, we can’t let you go.”
“This is the worst vacation ever.” Tara buried her face in her hands. “You know we drove all the way from California. We weren’t even supposed to be here.”
“Are you crying?” a voice came from the door. Tara looked up and wiped her tears away.
“No. Where have you been?”
Katie threw herself into the chair by Tara’s bed. “Eating.”
“Using my money?” Katie just grinned. “Great.”
“I ran into boy love.”
Tara shook her head. “You so did not. You’re making it up to make me feel better.”
“Am not. There were loud public proclamations.”
“Whatever,” Tara replied. Or was going to, but then she had another seizure.
***
House twirled his cane in his hands, looking back and forth from Foreman to Chase. “Where’s Cameron?” Chase shrugged.
“She went to check up on the patient,” Foreman said.
“Why?” House sighed.
At that moment Cameron came through the door, looking like she had been running. “She had another seizure.”
Now that Cameron had joined them, Foreman flicked a switch that made the MRI results light up. “Her brain’s clean. Nothing out of the ordinary.” Both Chase and Cameron studied it and seemed to come to the same conclusion. House hardly glanced at it.
“What about her lungs?” he asked.
“Her lungs?” Chase asked.
House stood slowly and walked closer to the group. “Yes. Her lungs. Those things she uses to breathe.”
“You think it’s lung cancer?” Cameron asked.
“No. I think it’s lupus,” House replied sarcastically. Three duckling heads whipped to him.
“But it’s never lupus,” Chase said.
House glared at him. “You understand sarcasm, don’t you? You’re Australian, not retarded.” Chase let a breath out loudly and sat down in one of the chairs. House turned to Foreman. “So did you MRI her lungs too, or do we get to drag her back there?”
Foreman looked pleased with himself and pulled off the brain shots and replaced them with the ones from Rash and Seizure Girl’s lungs. “Nothing but some shadows.”
House stepped a little closer. “A lot of shadows.”
“Doesn’t mean it’s cancer. It could be swelling or excess fluid in her lungs,” Foreman replied.
“But that would be boring,” House said. He poked his head out onto the balcony, picked up a few pebbles and shot them at Wilson’s door. House didn’t bother waiting, he knew Wilson would be over in a few minutes.
“Lung cancer wouldn’t explain the rash,” Chase interjected from over where he was sulking.
“The patient is very sensitive to the sun. The rash could simply be due to over exposure,” Cameron said. House cocked his head at Cameron. “What?”
“Why didn’t you bring that up before?” House asked.
“I didn’t know about it until I opened the blinds in her room and she complained.”
House sighed. “Can’t one single person tell the truth?”
Characteristically, Cameron rushed to defend her. “She probably didn’t think it was relevant. She’s scared.”
Wilson pushed open the door and stood just inside with his hands on his hips. “You’ve heard of telephones, haven’t you? They’re designed to..”
“Wilson,” House cut in and gestured for him to come over. With a great amount of reluctance, Wilson joined House and peered at the lung scans. “Cancer?” House asked, looking hopeful.
“No.”
“Really?” House asked, looking a little disappointed.
“I’d say excess fluid,” Wilson concluded. Foreman, who had sat down on the corner of House’s desk, beamed.
“That’s depressing.” House sat back down at his desk. Wilson started to leave and House grabbed his arm. “Hey, Wilson...”
“I’m not gay!” Wilson blurted out suddenly, pulling away from House. House’s eyebrows shot towards his forehead. Cameron’s mouth hung open. Foreman giggled. Chase was pouting too hard to care. Wilson then seemed to realize what he had said. A faint blush started to grow on his cheeks.
“Something you wanted to tell us, Jimmy?” House asked, unable to stop a grin from forming on his face.
“I...uh...” Wilson tried. Then he shook his head and left as quickly as he could without looking like he was fleeing. House watched him until he walked beyond the bank of windows.
There was what felt like an extremely long silence. “Well. That was fun,” House said finally, eyes still on the spot where Wilson had disappeared from view. Then, “ What about her other test results?”
“She’s anemic, and her white count is a little low,” Chase said. He was still pouting. House felt successful.
“So what do we think?” House asked.
“Autoimmune,” Cameron suggested right away.
“Great,” House said, “Go run tests or something.” The members of his team stared at him. “Scoot.”
Foreman tilted his head. “You don’t have anything else to add?”
House shrugged. “Not really.”
“Okay.” Foreman shrugged and started out the door.
Once every one was gone, House pulled the lung images off the wall and flipped open the girl’s file that was still on his desk, really looking at it for the first time. “Huh.”
***
Katie Combs leaned over and hit her best friend in the shoulder. “Ow!” Tara cried out. “Abuse me when I’m not dying.”
“You’re not dying,” Katie said with a roll of her eyes.
Tara grabbed Katie’s hand. “What if I am?”
Suddenly uncomfortable, Katie pulled her hand away. “You’re not, okay?”
“But what if I am?”
Katie hit her again.
“Ow!”
“Can I play too?” Katie looked toward the voice, and saw the same doctor she had seen down the hallway earlier. He hobbled over to the foot of the bed.
Katie brightened. “Tara, this is the guy!”
“The homoerotic one?” Tara asked. Katie nodded. The doctor just raised an eyebrow. Tara seemed to just realize that he was standing there, within hearing range. She blushed. “I...uh...your cane is very dashing.”
“Thanks. I’m Doctor House,” the doctor said with a slight grin. “So, how long have you been smoking?”
Katie hit Tara on the shoulder again. Hard. “You told me...”
Tara batted Katie’s hand away. “Stop doing that. And I wasn’t lying exactly. I don’t smoke a lot.”
“Right,” House said.
“Look, I only smoke when I’m working on a show.”
“You’re always working on a show,” Katie pointed out. She hit Tara again for good measure.
“Quit it!”
“You obviously deserve it,” the doctor said. Katie grinned.
“You’re supposed to be on my side, aren’t you?” Tara tried.
“No. You’re lungs are inflamed and full of fluid.”
“Because of the smoking?” House didn’t dignify that with a response. “Do I have cancer?”
“Not yet.” House walked over to the window and pulled the blinds wide open. Tara made a startled sound and put a hand over her eyes. “So that takes care of the chest pain. Stop smoking. Now there’s the headaches, the seizures and the nasty looking rash on your arm. Oh, and the sun sensitivity.”
“Could you please close that?” Tara said, voice breaking slightly.
“There’s something else you’re not telling me,” House said. “Tell me what that is, and I’ll close the blinds.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about the smoking, but I swear there’s nothing else!” House crossed his arms and waited. Tara pulled her blanket over her head. “I don’t know what else to tell you! I don’t sleep very well at night, I’m always tired, I’m depressed, I don’t eat a lot, or even that healthily...”
“Shut up,” House said. Katie, who had been concentrating on tapping out Beach Boys songs with her feet, looked up at the doctor. He was staring intently at something hanging around the bottom of Tara’s bed. “Well. That’s something,” he said.
***
The End...of part one.
So yeah. I hope this is to your satisfaction Katie, dear. I love you truly.
In the package I'll be sending you shortly, you'll recieve a few gifties and a hard copy of this story with a pretty pretty cover page. Cause I love you.
~Tarasita
P.S. Yes I am insane.
There are four more (Episodes 1-5) and I seriously can't think of anything better.
In other news. Finished Editing Katie's Fic.
And here it be:
How House Lost His Cane
or
It’s Never...Until It Is
Dedication: This is a product of my crazy and unbelievably messed up mind that I concocted for my best friend/soulmate, Katie, lone_hobbit. Katie, I love you desperately and this is just a small measure of how much. I hope you enjoy it.
Disclaimer: I, fortunately for the world, do not own House. Or the kind of stuff you’re about to read might actually happen. So yeah. I don’t really own any of the other stuff in this story, but I like to think I do. That’s all I’m saying about that.
Author’s Notes: So, one day, Tara and Katie met. Some days later, they realized they were soulmates. And thus, to prove their soulmatiness, they made a lot of inside jokes. A lot of these appear in this story. Which could make this frustrating if you are not Katie and reading this story. Sorry. Enjoy it for what it is. I can’t really tell you that, but make something up. Pretend this is the best piece of literature you’ve ever read. And tell me so. The medical stuff is almost complete crap. I didn’t want to spend days and weeks researching. Deal. Oh. And as for a time line-this story takes place sometime in Season 2. Not for any particular reason, but I liked Cameron’s highlights and imagined her so as I wrote this story. Welcome to the mind of Tara. Be very afraid.
How House Lost His Cane
or
It’s Never...Until It Is
By Tara Cookson,queenofneurotic
Katie Combs glanced at the mile marker that was coming up and frowned when it didn’t say anything that she wished it did. She considered pulling over and getting the map out, but thought it would be easier to wake up the person dosing next to her. So she poked the person in the ribs.
The person, one Tara Cookson, moaned and swatted at Katie’s hand. “It’s too bright. I’m getting sunburned,” Tara complained. Then, “It’s my turn to sleep. I hate you.”
“You’re the navigator. Do your job,” Katie replied, looking back at the road. She saw another mile marker and it too said nothing that she wished it did.
Tara rolled her eyes and opened up the glove compartment. She first came into contact with a half-melted candy bar. “Katie. If this is all over my registration I’ll eat your head.” The map was more or less unaffected by the chocolate and Tara spread it out over her lap. “Where are we?”
“You’re supposed to tell me that.”
“I’ve been sleeping. Where are we?”
Katie shrugged, then pointed to a highway marker that appeared on the side of the road. Tara raised an eyebrow. “That doesn’t look like the right number.”
“What?”
“We’re on the wrong freeway.” Tara sighed. “This is why I never let you drive. Because stuff like this happens. How long have we be on this one?”
Katie smiled as disarmingly as she could, but Tara did not appear to be won over. “A few hours.”
“Shit,” Tara said. She didn’t even bother to fold up the map and threw it in the backseat. “I don’t even want to know where we are. I’m going back to sleep. Wake me when we reach an ocean.”
Katie stuck her tongue out at Tara, who stuck her’s out right back. Then she cranked the volume on the stereo, which was playing Barenaked Ladies. She tapped her fingers on the steering wheel. Katie saw a sign that made her smile and wince at the same time. “Hey, Tara. We’re in New Jersey.”
Tara sat up instantly and looked around. “Wow. You really screwed up.”
“Yep. You’re welcome.”
“We’re so going to miss the show tonight.”
“Yep,” Katie replied.
Tara rubbed her face with her hands. “Okay then. Let’s see if there’s anything in this stupid state.”
“They probably have theatre here too. We’re not in California,” Katie said, trying to be helpful. She saw a sign for fast food and pulled off the freeway, suddenly feeling very hungry. Tara had turned to face the window so Katie jabbed her. “Are you hungry?”
Tara didn’t say anything right away, instead making weird noises in her throat. Katie ignored it. Tara was weird. Katie parked at the fast food joint and poked Tara again. “If you’re not eating, at least give me money.” Tara still didn’t do anything. Katie rolled her eyes and got out of the car. She went over to the passenger side and yanked open the door. Tara shut her eyes against the light and pushed Katie away.
“Leave me alone.”
Katie grabbed Tara’s arm and noticed something she hadn’t before. There was a long ugly looking rash going up Tara’s arm. It was thick and red and sort of scaly. “How long have you had this? It’s gross.”
Tara looked at her arm in something like wonderment. “I...what sort of joke is this?”
“It’s not.” Katie bent to inspect the rash closer. And that was when Tara started shaking and flailing, eyes rolling back in her head. Katie got smacked full in the face by one of Tara’s hands. It took Katie a few seconds to get her mind in gear. Then she called 911.
***
“No.” Gregory House, M.D., tossed the file unceremoniously on Lisa Cuddy’s desk. She wasn’t amused.
“House,” Cuddy said, sounding like a scolding mother. “Have you forgotten the fact that I’m your employer? Take the case.”
House put on a big show of being disappointed. “But it’s boring.”
Cuddy smiled tightly. “I don’t care. Take an hour of your time, figure out what’s wrong with her and get her out of here.” She pushed the file back into House’s hands.
“But I have a date,” House complained.
“You’re meeting Wilson for lunch. Get to work.”
House pouted. “I won’t have enough time to do my hair.”
“Wilson will forgive you,” Cuddy replied, motioning for House to leave.
Finally, House turned to leave, but at the last moment turned and fixed Cuddy with a glare. “We are never asking you for a threesome. No matter how perky your breasts are.” Cuddy tightened her jaw. House gave a triumphant grin and left. He made his way back to his office and saw his team sitting around the conference table, sipping coffee and doing word puzzles. He dropped the file in Chase’s lap. “Have fun,” he said before leaving the room again. House could feel the eyes of his ducklings on him until he disappeared around the corner. He pushed open the door to Wilson’s office.
James Wilson was sitting at his desk and looked up, wearing his annoyed face. “What?”
“Take me somewhere nice for lunch. I’m thinking Italian. Booth in the back. Violins and candlelight.”
“Uh-huh,” Wilson replied. He had turned back to his paperwork. “You want a bouquet of roses too?”
“I was thinking of a tasteful corsage. With some blue to match your tie.”
Wilson couldn’t hide his grin. “Sorry. I can’t. We’ll have lunch tomorrow.”
It didn’t take House long to figure out what had happened. “Cuddy called you.”
“She said she gave you a case and I wasn’t to let you get out of it.”
House sighed, “Why can’t she let our love be?”
“Cuddy’s an evil tyrant,” Wilson said, dead pan. “Go work on your case.”
House shook his head in disappointment. “You are never any fun.”
“Neither are you,” Wilson replied, smirking.
“But I don’t pretend to be.”
Wilson sighed. “Get out, House.”
“Your lips say go, but your eyes say stay.” House did his best impression of a love-lost teenager.
Wilson rubbed his face with his hands. “Please. If you’re not going to work on your case, at least go torment someone who works for you. I have things to do.”
“It’s much more fun tormenting you. You make the most adorable faces...” Wilson glared. House grinned. “Just like that! Sometimes when you look at me that way, my heart...”
“Stop,” Wilson cut him off. He stood and pushed House toward the door. “Come back when you’ve saved the girl’s life. Or when she dies. Or when she sprouts wings and flies. Just later.”
House allowed Wilson to push him out the door. “Don’t forget my corsage!” Wilson rolled his eyes and shut the door.
***
Dr. Robert Chase arrived at the patient’s room. The blinds had been drawn and he couldn’t see in, but he could hear just fine. “Vacuous whore,” a woman said, scorn in her voice.
“I will stab you in the eye with a pencil,” came the answer, another woman.
Chase felt slightly worried and stepped into the room. “Is there a problem here?”
“No,” both women said at the same time, smiling. “Well, except for the hospitalization part,” added the one in the bed.
Though confused, Chase plastered on a smile on his face. “We’ll figure out what’s wrong and get you out of here as soon as possible.” He did a quick check of her vitals and saw everything was relatively normal. Chase noticed out of the corner of his eye that the patient’s friend had leaned over and was whispering something in her ear. The patient giggled.
“What’s so funny?” Chase asked.
“You have very pretty hair,” the friend said.
“Uh, thank you,” he said, at a loss for anything to say.
“I’m Katie. Would you mind if I touched your hair really quickly?” Katie smiled widely.
The patient rolled her eyes. “You have a problem.”
“I have a fetish. I don’t call your fetishes problems.”
“I don’t have fetishes.” Katie gave the patient a significant look. “Okay, I have less creepy fetishes.”
“Bondage is the definition of creepy fetish,” Katie said.
Chase felt the need to intervene before things got out of hand. “Excuse me?” The women looked at Chase. The patient looked a little contrite. “I’m Dr. Chase.” He glanced at the file. “Miss Cookson...we don’t have a medical history for you.”
“ Tara. And yeah. I’m adopted.”
“And you don’t know anything?”
“My birth mother liked basketball,” Tara smiled at him.
“You seem really chipper for someone who had a seizure a few hours ago,” Chase observed.
“I can assure you that I actually feel like crap.”
“Can you elaborate on that at all?”
Tara sighed, and Chase could see the cheerful mask slipping. “I’ve got this stabbing pain in my chest. And this stupid rash on my arm really started hurting.” Tara lifted up her right arm and showed him the thick rash on it. Chase studied it and made a note on the chart. “Have you ever had a seizure before?”
Tara shook her head. “Never.”
“And the rash?”
“First one.”
Chase sighed. “Is there anything else you can tell me?”
The patient shrugged. “Nope.”
“Liar,” Katie said. “She gets headaches all the time.”
“That probably has nothing to do with this...”
“It might,” Chase interjected. “How often and how intense?”
“Every few days,” Tara said after a moment of thought. “They aren’t too bad, but they do last a long time. I usually don’t get rid of them until the next day.”
Chase made another note and started toward the door. “I’m going to order a few tests, and I’ll let you know.”
“Thanks,” Tara said.
“Um.”
Chase turned. Katie was standing right beside him. He jumped back. “She does that,” Tara called from the bed.
“It’s weird,” Chase answered.
“I know.”
Chase finally acknowledged Katie. “Yes.”
“Hair? Please?”
“Really?” Chase asked.
“She won’t drop it until you let her. Might as well.”
Katie grinned. “She’s right.” Chase sighed and dipped his head slightly. Katie’s grin widened. She plunged one of her hands into his hair and ruffled it aggressively. After a moment, Katie stopped. “Thanks. You have really great hair.”
“You’re welcome.” Chase fled.
***
Allison Cameron repressed the urge to laugh. Barely. Chase’s lips were set in a thin line. “What happened to your hair?” Cameron asked after a moment, her mouth curling up slightly at the corners.
Chase slapped the file on the table. “They’re insane. The tall one should be committed.”
“The tall one?” Foreman asked, grabbing the file and peeking at the new notes Chase had made. “When did we get another patient?”
“She’s not another patient, she’s the patient’s crazy friend, girlfriend, I don’t know. But she’s insane.” Chase ran his fingers through his hair, trying to right the damage done.
“Did you find anything out? Other than that her girlfriend is insane?” Foreman passed the file to Cameron. “What do you think it is?”
Chase opened his mouth as if to speak, but at that moment there was a bang on the door separating the conference room from House’s office. The three turned and saw House’s tennis ball lying by the door. “Hey!” House called a second later. “Did you cure her yet?”
“No,” Chase replied, then turned back to Foreman. “I think it may be...”
“Talk louder!” House interrupted.
“You could just come in here,” Cameron suggested.
“I’m crippled.”
“Are we talking physically or emotionally?” Foreman shot back. “You are physically capable of making it across your office and into this room. Emotional problems don’t keep you from walking.”
After a moment, “I’m lazy. And you work for me.”
Cameron stood up with a sigh, bringing the file with her. Foreman and Chase followed reluctantly. “House sure is pleasant today,” Chase commented.
“He’s moody because Cuddy won’t let him play with Wilson,” Foreman said lowly, hoping House wouldn’t hear.
He did. House pointed dramatically at his tennis ball. “Pick up my ball, boy!”
The smile fell from Foreman’s face. He picked up the ball and lobbed it at House’s head. House caught it before it collided with his forehead. “Nice,” House said before setting the ball on his desk. “So. Rash and Seizure Girl.”
“Also has chest pain and frequent headaches,” Chase said.
“And the MRI?” House asked.
“What MRI?” Cameron replied.
“You didn’t do an MRI?”
“You didn’t ask us to do an MRI,” Foreman said, probably because he wanted to be a part of the conversation.
House grimaced. “I didn’t ask you to be pains in my ass either, but you do it anyway. The girl has seizures and frequent headaches. What else are you going to do?”
“We just found out about the headaches. Ten minutes ago,” Chase said, covering his ass as best he could.
House looked like he had more to say about it, so Foreman cut him off. “I’ll go get the MRI.” He was almost out the door when Chase stopped him.
“Watch out for her friend. Really. Insane.”
“I think I can handle it,” Foreman said, with a small grin.
House looked expectantly at Cameron. “What?” Cameron said.
“Did you at least biopsy the rash?”
Cameron looked slightly ashamed. “Not yet.”
“Are you just trying to annoy me today?” House threw up his hands. “I thought you guys could take a case without me looking over your shoulders.”
“We can,” Cameron replied weakly.
“Yeah,” House said. “You’re doing a great job. Do you want a cookie?” House pulled out his bottle of vicodin and slammed back two pills. Cameron and Chase looked at him. “Don’t you have tests to run?” Chase made for the door and quickly disappeared. Cameron stood where she was. “What?”
“Nothing.”
“Then why are you still standing here?”
Cameron shrugged. “You seem lonely.”
“I seem annoyed. And that’s because I am.” House picked up his tennis ball and threw it against the opposite wall. “Go scrape some of the girl’s skin off.”
“Did Cuddy really tell you that you couldn’t play with Wilson?”
House threw his ball at Cameron. Her reflexes were slow, and it hit her in the chest, hard. “Ow!” Cameron exclaimed. “You don’t have to act like you’re five.”
House grinned. “And that’s why it’s fun. Run along or I’ll make you eat dirt.”
“You are...” Cameron started.
“Charming?” House supplied.
“No. That’s not what I was going to say.”
“But you were thinking it,” House said, a smile slowly growing on his face. Cameron, defeated, turned to leave. “You so were.”
***
Eric Foreman was losing his cool. Rash and Seizure Girl, who also had chest pain and frequent headaches, was not being a cooperative as she could have been. “It is going to hurt?” she asked, for perhaps the fourth time.
“No. There’s just going to be some loud noises. And you need to stay as still as you can,” Foreman said. For the fourth time.
“I’m a little claustrophobic.”
She’d said that before too. “Look, Tara, I understand you’re nervous. But it’ll be fine. And your girlfriend will be with me in the next room.”
Tara giggled suddenly. “Katie isn’t my girlfriend.”
Foreman was a little shocked, “Really? You two seem awfully close.”
“Oh we are. She’s my soul mate.”
“And you’re not together?”
“Not in the sweaty way. Usually.” Foreman’s eyebrows shot up. Tara laughed. “Not ever actually. I just wanted to see if your eyebrows would do that. Anyway, we’re facebook married.”
Foreman sighed. And Chase said the tall one was the crazy one. “Are you ready?”
“You know, my brother did this once. He was unconscious. Do you think I could do that too?”
“Be unconscious?” Foreman asked, perplexed.
“Yeah. It won’t freak me out if I’m not awake.”
Foreman patted Rash and Seizure Girl’s shoulder in what he hoped was a comforting way. “I’m going to run the test now, okay?”
Tara looked resigned. “Fine.” Foreman started to exit the room. “You’re leaving?” Tara called.
“I need to leave to run the test.”
“But then I’ll be here all by myself. That isn’t fair to my emotional state.” The girl sounded genuinely worried.
“I’ll be able to hear you and you can hear me. And Katie. You’ll be fine.” Tara looked like she might speak again, but she didn’t and Foreman finally got out of the room.
Katie was waiting just outside and followed him into the monitoring room. “This is so cool,” she said.
“Yeah,” Foreman said, not really paying attention. Until Katie touched the computer. “Don’t touch anything.”
“Oh. Okay.” A few second passed. Foreman was just about to tell Tara over the microphone that he was going to start the test. Then Katie said, “Can I touch your head? It’s shiny.”
Foreman wondered what he had done to deserve this. Maybe God was getting back at him for ignoring his brother. “No. You cannot touch my head.”
“I won’t scratch you or anything.”
“You still can’t touch my head.” Katie reached out and latched a hand onto his head. Foreman jerked away. “I told you no!”
Katie grinned. “Funny how I touched your head anyway.”
Foreman shook a finger at her. “That’s harassment.”
“I just touched your head! It was complementary. I’m very picky about who’s heads I touch.” Foreman raised an eyebrow. “Okay. I’m not picky. I like hair. And the absence of hair. The whole head area.”
Foreman’s eyebrow went higher. Katie felt the need to explain more. “It’s a fetish. Not a problem.”
“Uh-huh,” Foreman said, feeling that placating the insane girl would be the best course of action. “Can I run the MRI or are you going to grab me again?”
“I’ll be good,” Katie said. Foreman didn’t believe her, but he sat down at the computer anyway.
An anxious voice came over the speakers. “Hey. Did you guys forget about me?”
***
Doctor James Wilson peeked his head out of his office door. He looked up and down the hallway as far as he could. Not seeing House, he decided it was safe to venture out. He locked his office behind him, not that it would deter House from getting in if he really put his mind to it. Wilson knew if his best friend accosted him again, he wouldn’t be able to stop from giving in. And then Cuddy would give him one of her looks and he really didn’t want that.
Wilson made his way to the elevator and had the bad fortune of glancing at his watch the moment the elevator opened and a girl tore out of it. The end result was a collision of massive proportions. Wilson ended up landing very hard on his tailbone. The girl, who had managed to remain standing, looked mortified. “Oh. I’m sorry. Really. Sorry.” She extended a hand, which he accepted. She pulled him up. “Really. I’m a little upset and I wasn’t looking...”
“It’s fine,” Wilson said as reassuringly as he could.
“I don’t even know if I’m on the right floor,” the girl continued.
“Who are you looking for?” Wilson asked, ever helpful.
“Doctor House.”
Wilson sighed. “Of course. What did he do this time?”
“Oh. Nothing. I actually don’t know who he is. Except Doctor Foreman said he was Tara’s doctor and I should talk to him,” the girl took a breath and Wilson thought she was done talking, but she wasn’t. “And that’s weird, because we’ve seen three different doctors...well, four if you count the first one with the boobs... and this guy that is supposedly her doctor hasn’t even shown up. It doesn’t seem right...”
Wilson saw his dreams of a caesar salad disappearing. “Why did Foreman tell you to see Doctor House?”
“Because he’s being mean.”
“House? But you haven’t...”
The girl rolled her eyes. “No, Foreman is being mean. I told him I had a problem with that and he said to take it up with Doctor House.”
“What did Foreman do to you?”
“He kicked me out.”
“Of?”
“That little room where you do the MRI. Tara wanted me to be there and he kicked me out.”
“Why?”
“He said I was being distracting.”
Wilson ventured a guess. “Were you?”
The girl sighed. “Maybe. But that’s not the point. Tara was really scared, and I needed to be there...”
“Hey,” Wilson put a comforting hand on the girl’s shoulder. “It’ll be okay. House is one of the best doctors we have. He’ll figure out what’s wrong with your friend. Why don’t you go get yourself some coffee or something and I’ll make sure one of House’s team finds you after the test is done. Okay?”
Reluctantly the girl nodded. “Yeah, okay.” She turned back to the elevator. “Um, where do I find coffee?”
Wilson was about to answer, when House opened the door to his office and peered out. “Wilson!” House called.
“For the love of..” Wilson muttered before turning toward House. “What?”
“Why aren’t you in my office ravishing me?”
“That’s so hot!” came an excited squeal behind him. Wilson turned and saw the girl smiling like she had just gotten a pony for Christmas. He was suddenly very frightened of her.
“I’m busy,” Wilson said once he could be sure his voice wouldn’t do something funny. He spoke to the girl, “I’ll show you where the cafeteria is.” He gestured and she got in the elevator and he followed her, pointedly not looking at House.
“She’ll never last, Wilson. What we have is eternal!” House cried out as the doors slid shut. Wilson tried not to catch the girl’s eye. She was grinning ridiculously at him. Eventually he had to say something. “What?”
“So you two are together?”
Wilson sighed heavily. “No. He’s just my idiot best friend.”
The girl looked a little crushed. “Oh. That’s lame.” After a few seconds, “Are you sure? I was totally getting homoerotic vibes between you guys.”
“He was down the hall. We had a fifteen second conversation.”
“That’s all it takes,” the girl said. “I am an expert on this, you know.”
The door to the elevator slid open. “You are an expert on what exactly?” Wilson headed for the cafeteria and the girl followed.
“On homoerotic best friend relationships.”
Wilson wondered briefly how all the crazy ones found him. “And how did you get to be such an expert?”
The girl grinned. “Because I’m in one. The classic signs are overt sexual comments in public and the obvious frustration of the one who’s gay.” The girl headed into the cafeteria. “See you.” She gave a little wave, a smirk and she was gone in the sea of people.
Wilson was all the way back to his office before he realized that she had just called him gay.
***
Tara Cookson was starting to feel very worried. She was worried to begin with, because she was in a hospital, but she had also had an MRI and her best friend had disappeared. Plus, the chest pain seemed to be getting worse. She coughed experimentally.
The sliding glass door to her room opened, and she looked in that direction hopefully. When the female doctor...Cameron, she was pretty sure, walked in, she sighed. It couldn’t be the one with the boobs. Life wasn’t that nice to her. “How are you feeling?” Cameron asked.
“Shitty,” Tara answered. Cameron walked over to the blinds, which had been shut and slid them open to let in the early afternoon sun. Tara winced. “Hey, could you keep those closed?”
“Sure,” Cameron replied. She slid the blinds shut. “Can I ask why?”
“Don’t like the sun. When you’re as white as I am, you learn to fear it.”
“So you’re sensitive to light?” the doctor asked, like she was onto something.
Tara shrugged. “I guess. I don’t really like being outside when it’s really bright. I get sunburned really easily.”
“How long have you been like that?” Cameron looked at some of the machines that Tara was hooked to.
“Forever. Sun’s not my thing.” Tara bit her lip. “How does everything look? I’m not dying or anything right?”
“Not yet,” Cameron said.
Tara could feel all the blood leaving her face. “Excuse me?”
Cameron seemed to realize what she had said. “Oh, I’m sorry. Everything’s fine. We’re just trying to connect the dots and see what’s wrong with you.”
“Good,” Tara said, sighing. “Have you seen Katie anywhere?”
Cameron smiled apologetically. “I’ll go see if I can find her in a few minutes, okay?”
“Thanks.”
“We’ll have the blood test results back soon, and the team will take a look at your MRI and see what’s up. How’s your arm doing?” Cameron reached for the arm with the rash on it.
Tara felt tears welling up in her eyes. “Worse.” The rash had spread farther up her arm and had changed from a bright red to a darker red. Tara gestured to one of the bags hanging from the IV rack. “Isn’t one of those supposed to stop that from happening?”
“If it was an allergic reaction. If its spreading, it isn’t an allergy.”
Tara wiped at her eyes with the back of her hand. “This is so stupid. Look, I haven’t had another seizure. Can’t you just give me a cream for the rash and let me go?”
Cameron smiled sympathetically and shook her head. “If we don’t know the problem, we can’t let you go.”
“This is the worst vacation ever.” Tara buried her face in her hands. “You know we drove all the way from California. We weren’t even supposed to be here.”
“Are you crying?” a voice came from the door. Tara looked up and wiped her tears away.
“No. Where have you been?”
Katie threw herself into the chair by Tara’s bed. “Eating.”
“Using my money?” Katie just grinned. “Great.”
“I ran into boy love.”
Tara shook her head. “You so did not. You’re making it up to make me feel better.”
“Am not. There were loud public proclamations.”
“Whatever,” Tara replied. Or was going to, but then she had another seizure.
***
House twirled his cane in his hands, looking back and forth from Foreman to Chase. “Where’s Cameron?” Chase shrugged.
“She went to check up on the patient,” Foreman said.
“Why?” House sighed.
At that moment Cameron came through the door, looking like she had been running. “She had another seizure.”
Now that Cameron had joined them, Foreman flicked a switch that made the MRI results light up. “Her brain’s clean. Nothing out of the ordinary.” Both Chase and Cameron studied it and seemed to come to the same conclusion. House hardly glanced at it.
“What about her lungs?” he asked.
“Her lungs?” Chase asked.
House stood slowly and walked closer to the group. “Yes. Her lungs. Those things she uses to breathe.”
“You think it’s lung cancer?” Cameron asked.
“No. I think it’s lupus,” House replied sarcastically. Three duckling heads whipped to him.
“But it’s never lupus,” Chase said.
House glared at him. “You understand sarcasm, don’t you? You’re Australian, not retarded.” Chase let a breath out loudly and sat down in one of the chairs. House turned to Foreman. “So did you MRI her lungs too, or do we get to drag her back there?”
Foreman looked pleased with himself and pulled off the brain shots and replaced them with the ones from Rash and Seizure Girl’s lungs. “Nothing but some shadows.”
House stepped a little closer. “A lot of shadows.”
“Doesn’t mean it’s cancer. It could be swelling or excess fluid in her lungs,” Foreman replied.
“But that would be boring,” House said. He poked his head out onto the balcony, picked up a few pebbles and shot them at Wilson’s door. House didn’t bother waiting, he knew Wilson would be over in a few minutes.
“Lung cancer wouldn’t explain the rash,” Chase interjected from over where he was sulking.
“The patient is very sensitive to the sun. The rash could simply be due to over exposure,” Cameron said. House cocked his head at Cameron. “What?”
“Why didn’t you bring that up before?” House asked.
“I didn’t know about it until I opened the blinds in her room and she complained.”
House sighed. “Can’t one single person tell the truth?”
Characteristically, Cameron rushed to defend her. “She probably didn’t think it was relevant. She’s scared.”
Wilson pushed open the door and stood just inside with his hands on his hips. “You’ve heard of telephones, haven’t you? They’re designed to..”
“Wilson,” House cut in and gestured for him to come over. With a great amount of reluctance, Wilson joined House and peered at the lung scans. “Cancer?” House asked, looking hopeful.
“No.”
“Really?” House asked, looking a little disappointed.
“I’d say excess fluid,” Wilson concluded. Foreman, who had sat down on the corner of House’s desk, beamed.
“That’s depressing.” House sat back down at his desk. Wilson started to leave and House grabbed his arm. “Hey, Wilson...”
“I’m not gay!” Wilson blurted out suddenly, pulling away from House. House’s eyebrows shot towards his forehead. Cameron’s mouth hung open. Foreman giggled. Chase was pouting too hard to care. Wilson then seemed to realize what he had said. A faint blush started to grow on his cheeks.
“Something you wanted to tell us, Jimmy?” House asked, unable to stop a grin from forming on his face.
“I...uh...” Wilson tried. Then he shook his head and left as quickly as he could without looking like he was fleeing. House watched him until he walked beyond the bank of windows.
There was what felt like an extremely long silence. “Well. That was fun,” House said finally, eyes still on the spot where Wilson had disappeared from view. Then, “ What about her other test results?”
“She’s anemic, and her white count is a little low,” Chase said. He was still pouting. House felt successful.
“So what do we think?” House asked.
“Autoimmune,” Cameron suggested right away.
“Great,” House said, “Go run tests or something.” The members of his team stared at him. “Scoot.”
Foreman tilted his head. “You don’t have anything else to add?”
House shrugged. “Not really.”
“Okay.” Foreman shrugged and started out the door.
Once every one was gone, House pulled the lung images off the wall and flipped open the girl’s file that was still on his desk, really looking at it for the first time. “Huh.”
***
Katie Combs leaned over and hit her best friend in the shoulder. “Ow!” Tara cried out. “Abuse me when I’m not dying.”
“You’re not dying,” Katie said with a roll of her eyes.
Tara grabbed Katie’s hand. “What if I am?”
Suddenly uncomfortable, Katie pulled her hand away. “You’re not, okay?”
“But what if I am?”
Katie hit her again.
“Ow!”
“Can I play too?” Katie looked toward the voice, and saw the same doctor she had seen down the hallway earlier. He hobbled over to the foot of the bed.
Katie brightened. “Tara, this is the guy!”
“The homoerotic one?” Tara asked. Katie nodded. The doctor just raised an eyebrow. Tara seemed to just realize that he was standing there, within hearing range. She blushed. “I...uh...your cane is very dashing.”
“Thanks. I’m Doctor House,” the doctor said with a slight grin. “So, how long have you been smoking?”
Katie hit Tara on the shoulder again. Hard. “You told me...”
Tara batted Katie’s hand away. “Stop doing that. And I wasn’t lying exactly. I don’t smoke a lot.”
“Right,” House said.
“Look, I only smoke when I’m working on a show.”
“You’re always working on a show,” Katie pointed out. She hit Tara again for good measure.
“Quit it!”
“You obviously deserve it,” the doctor said. Katie grinned.
“You’re supposed to be on my side, aren’t you?” Tara tried.
“No. You’re lungs are inflamed and full of fluid.”
“Because of the smoking?” House didn’t dignify that with a response. “Do I have cancer?”
“Not yet.” House walked over to the window and pulled the blinds wide open. Tara made a startled sound and put a hand over her eyes. “So that takes care of the chest pain. Stop smoking. Now there’s the headaches, the seizures and the nasty looking rash on your arm. Oh, and the sun sensitivity.”
“Could you please close that?” Tara said, voice breaking slightly.
“There’s something else you’re not telling me,” House said. “Tell me what that is, and I’ll close the blinds.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about the smoking, but I swear there’s nothing else!” House crossed his arms and waited. Tara pulled her blanket over her head. “I don’t know what else to tell you! I don’t sleep very well at night, I’m always tired, I’m depressed, I don’t eat a lot, or even that healthily...”
“Shut up,” House said. Katie, who had been concentrating on tapping out Beach Boys songs with her feet, looked up at the doctor. He was staring intently at something hanging around the bottom of Tara’s bed. “Well. That’s something,” he said.
***
The End...of part one.
So yeah. I hope this is to your satisfaction Katie, dear. I love you truly.
In the package I'll be sending you shortly, you'll recieve a few gifties and a hard copy of this story with a pretty pretty cover page. Cause I love you.
~Tarasita
P.S. Yes I am insane.