"And she says "
You guys probably wouldn't think it weird of me to update at this hour except I'm off. :/ I just woke up and couldn't go back to sleep. I actually took call from 11PM to 7:30AM but since I stopped the Xanax and started the Valium and Abilify I find I need less sleep. I like that I need less sleep and that I'm not too tired when I can't sleep but I'm sure it's not exactly a great side-effect, lol. But as long as I'm not exhausted from it I'll take it over those two dark weeks anyday.
Jim and I are going to a convention November 6-8th for the Freedom From Religion Foundation and I'm actually looking forward to it. I've been struggling with full atheism for about a year now and I don't know if it was just that I was afraid to admit it or afraid that Jim would think I was... I don't know, weak for backpedaling? But I talked for a long time with my lovely sister sisyphean tonight and she made me realize that I may not be ready for full atheism now or ever. I may always sit on the 'agnostic' fence so to speak. I'm not really actually too cool with the labels.
I don't believe in God or Satan or Mother Earth or any of that. But I believe that there may be ghosts, that life is a balance of good and bad... The American Indians believe life was a cycle. A neverending circle of good times and bad times and that the two had to balance out. I believe that. I believe that we have a 'soul', whatever you want to call it. I believe I am honestly more 'spiritual' if you will than anything. I suspend my belief. I cannot believe in a God that would be vengeful, jealous, or do harm if He is to be a perfect being that loves us all.
I don't believe that having sex before marriage, that cursing, having bad thoughts, etc. makes us a candidate for 'hell'. I think that is ridiculous. I don't think a wise all-knowing being would put restrictions on us such as women must wear skirts, keep their hair long, that menstruation is bad, etc. If there truly is a God HG is nothing like the God the Bible I read for 13 years says He is. And yet... A part of me still wishes to believe that there is SOMEONE out there that cares for us, that helps us along when we can't do it alone...
So... I guess this may sound simple to some, the decision. But it's been difficult for me. I truly believe that our beliefs in a Religion of some sort, organized or not, or lack of belief at all is part of who we are. And I've struggled with whether I can totally suspend all belief enough to be an atheist. For now I realize I can't. So I like my sister's idea that if she must be labeled, she is 'spiritual'.
sisyphean told me about how on http://www.eharlequin.com/ how you can write a 15,000 word Nocturne (their paranormal line) e-book and can submit without having an agent. Since Harlequin and Silhouette are all I honestly want to write for because they have so many romantic lines to express yourself in I'm excited. I'm finally getting an idea together and I'm going to give it a shot. I can't even tell you how much it would mean to me if I could get published even with such a small book. Plus with my fear of large sized books and deadlines this is a perfect start. sisyphean is doing it and hers rocks so far. If she doesn't get published I might have to go bitch slap someone.
But I think part of my issues lately with depression have stemmed from how I haven't been fulfilling my writing needs enough. I've been writing steadily since I was 11 and since Aaron I've slowed down. It shows sometimes because this was my major outlet besides reading to express myself. And by not doing it enough (not Aaron's fault. :) I just want to try to divide my time to be the best parent possible and wow... My stuff goes by the wayside to do it) I think I'm feeling a loss in myself. Same with not reading enough. I watch TV shows and I love that, but it's not enough sometimes.
I really really really appreciate everyone's support over my fears for Aaron. I haven't replied directly yet but I intend to. I just can't tell you guys how much you all mean to me. You are another support system, friends, people I wish I could see often in real-life. I don't give a shit how bad it's supposed to look when you consider on-line people some of your closest friends. You guys are important to me; if it weren't for the internet there would've been no way to meet so many wonderful people. I would've missed out on so many experiences and friendships. I think the net does have it's bad things, sure, but to me, it's been the best experience -- I learned to write better one here, I met so many wonderful people, and this was my safe haven when my life at home was a horrible mess and I felt I had no where else to turn.
I've been researching Autism and I don't think that it really is what Aaron has. Because I've been looking really closely at him for any signs that they say are key elements of Autism and honestly, I can't find any specific one. I think it might be that it's me. And I don't have a problem with that. I overcompensated for having the mom I did and I wanted Aaron to grow up knowing he was loved, supported, and could be himself. But I protect him TOO MUCH and I think it's taught him to cry and throw fits instead of expressing himself fully.
He's also only three and I have to remember not to expect to much. But we're still taking him to a child psychologist because if it is me then I need to learn how to manage his meltdowns better and how to help him express things better.
A lot of people at work who have 3+ kids say they also think part of it is only-child syndrome. And even though he interacts with some kids, he really doesn't have any in the family close enough to his age to play with constantly. I need to set up more playdates with my friend, but that's hard sometimes too for both of us because she's sole money bringer right now and has to work a lot.
So no matter what truly is wrong with him, I'm feeling a lot better about it. Talking helps me, research helps me, and now we're just going to go to someone who can truly tell us more because they have more experience.
Today is my next appointment with Gluten Boy (I shouldn't call him that, I know, but I can't help myself). So we'll see how it goes. I'm just going to flat out tell him my tests were negative and that we need to get past this so I can talk about the past, the now, my issues in general. My struggles, etc. I need to learn better coping mechanisms. I need to learn how to allow myself the wide spectrum of emotion and how to work through it rather than fight it. But if it doesn't work out, they have quite a few there to choose from.
And now, I should get off here and see if I can get more sleep.
Jim and I are going to a convention November 6-8th for the Freedom From Religion Foundation and I'm actually looking forward to it. I've been struggling with full atheism for about a year now and I don't know if it was just that I was afraid to admit it or afraid that Jim would think I was... I don't know, weak for backpedaling? But I talked for a long time with my lovely sister sisyphean tonight and she made me realize that I may not be ready for full atheism now or ever. I may always sit on the 'agnostic' fence so to speak. I'm not really actually too cool with the labels.
I don't believe in God or Satan or Mother Earth or any of that. But I believe that there may be ghosts, that life is a balance of good and bad... The American Indians believe life was a cycle. A neverending circle of good times and bad times and that the two had to balance out. I believe that. I believe that we have a 'soul', whatever you want to call it. I believe I am honestly more 'spiritual' if you will than anything. I suspend my belief. I cannot believe in a God that would be vengeful, jealous, or do harm if He is to be a perfect being that loves us all.
I don't believe that having sex before marriage, that cursing, having bad thoughts, etc. makes us a candidate for 'hell'. I think that is ridiculous. I don't think a wise all-knowing being would put restrictions on us such as women must wear skirts, keep their hair long, that menstruation is bad, etc. If there truly is a God HG is nothing like the God the Bible I read for 13 years says He is. And yet... A part of me still wishes to believe that there is SOMEONE out there that cares for us, that helps us along when we can't do it alone...
So... I guess this may sound simple to some, the decision. But it's been difficult for me. I truly believe that our beliefs in a Religion of some sort, organized or not, or lack of belief at all is part of who we are. And I've struggled with whether I can totally suspend all belief enough to be an atheist. For now I realize I can't. So I like my sister's idea that if she must be labeled, she is 'spiritual'.
sisyphean told me about how on http://www.eharlequin.com/ how you can write a 15,000 word Nocturne (their paranormal line) e-book and can submit without having an agent. Since Harlequin and Silhouette are all I honestly want to write for because they have so many romantic lines to express yourself in I'm excited. I'm finally getting an idea together and I'm going to give it a shot. I can't even tell you how much it would mean to me if I could get published even with such a small book. Plus with my fear of large sized books and deadlines this is a perfect start. sisyphean is doing it and hers rocks so far. If she doesn't get published I might have to go bitch slap someone.
But I think part of my issues lately with depression have stemmed from how I haven't been fulfilling my writing needs enough. I've been writing steadily since I was 11 and since Aaron I've slowed down. It shows sometimes because this was my major outlet besides reading to express myself. And by not doing it enough (not Aaron's fault. :) I just want to try to divide my time to be the best parent possible and wow... My stuff goes by the wayside to do it) I think I'm feeling a loss in myself. Same with not reading enough. I watch TV shows and I love that, but it's not enough sometimes.
I really really really appreciate everyone's support over my fears for Aaron. I haven't replied directly yet but I intend to. I just can't tell you guys how much you all mean to me. You are another support system, friends, people I wish I could see often in real-life. I don't give a shit how bad it's supposed to look when you consider on-line people some of your closest friends. You guys are important to me; if it weren't for the internet there would've been no way to meet so many wonderful people. I would've missed out on so many experiences and friendships. I think the net does have it's bad things, sure, but to me, it's been the best experience -- I learned to write better one here, I met so many wonderful people, and this was my safe haven when my life at home was a horrible mess and I felt I had no where else to turn.
I've been researching Autism and I don't think that it really is what Aaron has. Because I've been looking really closely at him for any signs that they say are key elements of Autism and honestly, I can't find any specific one. I think it might be that it's me. And I don't have a problem with that. I overcompensated for having the mom I did and I wanted Aaron to grow up knowing he was loved, supported, and could be himself. But I protect him TOO MUCH and I think it's taught him to cry and throw fits instead of expressing himself fully.
He's also only three and I have to remember not to expect to much. But we're still taking him to a child psychologist because if it is me then I need to learn how to manage his meltdowns better and how to help him express things better.
A lot of people at work who have 3+ kids say they also think part of it is only-child syndrome. And even though he interacts with some kids, he really doesn't have any in the family close enough to his age to play with constantly. I need to set up more playdates with my friend, but that's hard sometimes too for both of us because she's sole money bringer right now and has to work a lot.
So no matter what truly is wrong with him, I'm feeling a lot better about it. Talking helps me, research helps me, and now we're just going to go to someone who can truly tell us more because they have more experience.
Today is my next appointment with Gluten Boy (I shouldn't call him that, I know, but I can't help myself). So we'll see how it goes. I'm just going to flat out tell him my tests were negative and that we need to get past this so I can talk about the past, the now, my issues in general. My struggles, etc. I need to learn better coping mechanisms. I need to learn how to allow myself the wide spectrum of emotion and how to work through it rather than fight it. But if it doesn't work out, they have quite a few there to choose from.
And now, I should get off here and see if I can get more sleep.