I'm driving around in circles and I'm thinking about you..
That sums up about what I've been doing for the past two days. April and I were sitting on my bed Sunday afternoon and the phone rang. The caller i.d. said it was Jami and I was so excited when I answered the phone because I hadn't heard from her in awhile. But as soon as she started talking I could tell something was wrong, she was bawling. I asked her what was wrong and she didn't want to tell me at first and after begging her to tell me she finally came out with it. Dean wrecked Saturday night and was ejected from the vehicle he was driving, it threw him into someones front yard killing him instantly.
At first all I could say was "No, no, no, it can't be true." As soon as I hung up with her I called his house and there was no answer so I called Brandy and asked her if what I had heard was true and she told me that by the time the ambulances got there he was dead and there was nothing they could do for him. My heart broke instantly.
He just had called me Wednesday and asked me if I wanted to go to Chi Chi's party with him on the 9th which was Saturday and I told him to call me Saturday and I'd let him know. He called and I was with Chancey. I just keep thinking if I would have been home and just went with him I know I wouldn't have been drinking and I could have taken him home and none of this would have happened.
Dean was my go to guy, everytime that me and Shannon would fight I would go to Dean's and stay. He was always there for me, through all the shit with Shannon and every other boyfriend I've had. No matter what I done, he always thought the world of me and would tell me to hold my head up that I was better than the bullshit that comes with this county. That boy would have done anything for me, he always tried to go out with me and I never would. I just couldn't see us as anything other than best friends. Last summer we practically lived together. We slept in the same bed and where you saw one you saw the other. People used to always come up to us and ask us when we started dating and when we told them we weren't they always made the remark about us acting like a couple. I remember one time he called and asked me to come stay with him and jokingly I told him if he bought me and ounce I would. About an hour later he buzzed the gate and when I let him in he came walking up on the porch with an ounce of pot and handed to me and told me to go get my clothes ready. I would honestly give anything for him back. If God were to come to me right now and tell me if I would give up both of my legs he would bring Dean back I would be in a wheelchair gladly for the rest of my life.
Dean used to always tell me that he would be lucky to see 25 but he knew for a fact he would never see 30. He would always tell me not to cry at his funeral but to drink a case and get wild as hell in his memory. The sad thing is, I have to go for a drug test the 22nd and I can't smoke any pot or do any xanaxs in his memory or I'll be right back in rehab or maybe jail. But you can bet your ass I will drink a case tomorrow and of Bud Light at that because that was his choice drink.
I'm going to go to the wake tomorrow night but I doubt I'll go to the funeral, it's going to be hard enough to handle the wake. It hurts so bad right now, but I know when I see him laying there I'm going to break down. My brother is going to drive me over there tomorrow because I know I'll be in no shape to drive back.
We used to always talk about getting matching tatoo's and we never got the chance to. We were going to get the Chinese symbol for outlaw tatooed on us and I'm going to go Friday and have it tatooed on my foot with his initials under it. I've always said I'd never get a man's name tatooed on me but I take that back because I will have his name put on me, he was one of my very few true friends.
God, he was only 22 years old. I can't understand why he had to go so early. I can remember so many times being on a strip job partying and some guy piss me off and Dean would go up to him and talk shit, a couple of times he's even fought over me. I miss him so much already, I just wish I could at least talk to him one last time and let him know how much I love him and how much I appreciate him always being there for me and listening to me cry and whine about how bad my life was when really I have it better than so many people. This has made me realize so much and appreciate so much more. I take too much for granted. Noone in guaranteed a tomorrow.
While at NA tonight I was discussing all this with my sponsor and I was telling her how I was told in rehab that after I got clean my life would pick up and be so much better and that I would achieve this serenity and so far since being out of rehab everything has just fell to shit. She looked at me and asked me if I believed in God and I told her that I did but I wasn't exactly a devout Christian and that I didn't go to church. She told me that God would never put more on my plate then I could handle, but I'm beginning to wonder about that. Things like this make me want to relapse so bad I can't stand it. I had my money out today ready to make a purchase and Chancey talked me out of it. If things keep going like this I can't guarantee that I won't.
Vanessa called me this morning to check on me since she heard about Dean. My first reaction was to cuss her out and tell her to never call my house again, but then I started thinking what if something were to happen to her 5 minutes after I said all that stuff to her? How would I feel? So I talked to her and thanked her for calling, I told her that I didn't want to be big buddies again or anything like that but I did want to make peace because we used to be like sisters and if something were to happen to her it would hurt my feelings really bad. But I made it plain that things would never be that way between us again and it's not entirely her fault, I've done just as much to her as she has to me. But I just wanted her to know that a part of me does care about her and I don't want to see anything happen to her. She just got out of rehab and jail and she's supposed to be clean now too. I don't know how true that is because she's known for lying but I honestly hope that she is clean and she sticks with it.
Damn photobucket is down or I would post the only picture I have of me and Dean together. I just can't believe this has happened, it's so unreal to me. I dreamed about him last night. I dreamed we were at his house playing pool and he kept calling me legs and we were drinking. It was so real, I woke up this morning thinking about how I would give anything to go back to those nights. That was before I was an addict, before I was depressed, a time when I was actually happy with my life and had alot going for me. Right now if it weren't for my parents people would be making plans on coming to my wake. I'm just so unhappy. The rehab counselors are all liars, I think I was more content with my life when I was using. Seriously the only time I am even close to being happy is when I'm with Chancey or when I'm drinking cappucino's and talking with my dad. I'm so glad that me and my dad have patched up our relationship, he trusts me now and we can actually have a conversation without arguing, that's something I can actually say would never happen if I were still using.
I'm going to abuse my muscle relaxers and try to lay down and get a little sleep before daylight comes.
R.I.P Larry Dean Morgan May 8 1983- July 9 2005
At first all I could say was "No, no, no, it can't be true." As soon as I hung up with her I called his house and there was no answer so I called Brandy and asked her if what I had heard was true and she told me that by the time the ambulances got there he was dead and there was nothing they could do for him. My heart broke instantly.
He just had called me Wednesday and asked me if I wanted to go to Chi Chi's party with him on the 9th which was Saturday and I told him to call me Saturday and I'd let him know. He called and I was with Chancey. I just keep thinking if I would have been home and just went with him I know I wouldn't have been drinking and I could have taken him home and none of this would have happened.
Dean was my go to guy, everytime that me and Shannon would fight I would go to Dean's and stay. He was always there for me, through all the shit with Shannon and every other boyfriend I've had. No matter what I done, he always thought the world of me and would tell me to hold my head up that I was better than the bullshit that comes with this county. That boy would have done anything for me, he always tried to go out with me and I never would. I just couldn't see us as anything other than best friends. Last summer we practically lived together. We slept in the same bed and where you saw one you saw the other. People used to always come up to us and ask us when we started dating and when we told them we weren't they always made the remark about us acting like a couple. I remember one time he called and asked me to come stay with him and jokingly I told him if he bought me and ounce I would. About an hour later he buzzed the gate and when I let him in he came walking up on the porch with an ounce of pot and handed to me and told me to go get my clothes ready. I would honestly give anything for him back. If God were to come to me right now and tell me if I would give up both of my legs he would bring Dean back I would be in a wheelchair gladly for the rest of my life.
Dean used to always tell me that he would be lucky to see 25 but he knew for a fact he would never see 30. He would always tell me not to cry at his funeral but to drink a case and get wild as hell in his memory. The sad thing is, I have to go for a drug test the 22nd and I can't smoke any pot or do any xanaxs in his memory or I'll be right back in rehab or maybe jail. But you can bet your ass I will drink a case tomorrow and of Bud Light at that because that was his choice drink.
I'm going to go to the wake tomorrow night but I doubt I'll go to the funeral, it's going to be hard enough to handle the wake. It hurts so bad right now, but I know when I see him laying there I'm going to break down. My brother is going to drive me over there tomorrow because I know I'll be in no shape to drive back.
We used to always talk about getting matching tatoo's and we never got the chance to. We were going to get the Chinese symbol for outlaw tatooed on us and I'm going to go Friday and have it tatooed on my foot with his initials under it. I've always said I'd never get a man's name tatooed on me but I take that back because I will have his name put on me, he was one of my very few true friends.
God, he was only 22 years old. I can't understand why he had to go so early. I can remember so many times being on a strip job partying and some guy piss me off and Dean would go up to him and talk shit, a couple of times he's even fought over me. I miss him so much already, I just wish I could at least talk to him one last time and let him know how much I love him and how much I appreciate him always being there for me and listening to me cry and whine about how bad my life was when really I have it better than so many people. This has made me realize so much and appreciate so much more. I take too much for granted. Noone in guaranteed a tomorrow.
While at NA tonight I was discussing all this with my sponsor and I was telling her how I was told in rehab that after I got clean my life would pick up and be so much better and that I would achieve this serenity and so far since being out of rehab everything has just fell to shit. She looked at me and asked me if I believed in God and I told her that I did but I wasn't exactly a devout Christian and that I didn't go to church. She told me that God would never put more on my plate then I could handle, but I'm beginning to wonder about that. Things like this make me want to relapse so bad I can't stand it. I had my money out today ready to make a purchase and Chancey talked me out of it. If things keep going like this I can't guarantee that I won't.
Vanessa called me this morning to check on me since she heard about Dean. My first reaction was to cuss her out and tell her to never call my house again, but then I started thinking what if something were to happen to her 5 minutes after I said all that stuff to her? How would I feel? So I talked to her and thanked her for calling, I told her that I didn't want to be big buddies again or anything like that but I did want to make peace because we used to be like sisters and if something were to happen to her it would hurt my feelings really bad. But I made it plain that things would never be that way between us again and it's not entirely her fault, I've done just as much to her as she has to me. But I just wanted her to know that a part of me does care about her and I don't want to see anything happen to her. She just got out of rehab and jail and she's supposed to be clean now too. I don't know how true that is because she's known for lying but I honestly hope that she is clean and she sticks with it.
Damn photobucket is down or I would post the only picture I have of me and Dean together. I just can't believe this has happened, it's so unreal to me. I dreamed about him last night. I dreamed we were at his house playing pool and he kept calling me legs and we were drinking. It was so real, I woke up this morning thinking about how I would give anything to go back to those nights. That was before I was an addict, before I was depressed, a time when I was actually happy with my life and had alot going for me. Right now if it weren't for my parents people would be making plans on coming to my wake. I'm just so unhappy. The rehab counselors are all liars, I think I was more content with my life when I was using. Seriously the only time I am even close to being happy is when I'm with Chancey or when I'm drinking cappucino's and talking with my dad. I'm so glad that me and my dad have patched up our relationship, he trusts me now and we can actually have a conversation without arguing, that's something I can actually say would never happen if I were still using.
I'm going to abuse my muscle relaxers and try to lay down and get a little sleep before daylight comes.
R.I.P Larry Dean Morgan May 8 1983- July 9 2005