(no subject)
argh...i wish i was still in mull. there, i was problem and trouble free, no pressure, no responsibilty, and somehow - though i've no idea how - my usual self-criticism/hatred/general internal conflicts stopped. and now as soon as i get back i cant help but nitpick at every little thing i do and think. and especially start hating the way i look and the person i am again. it's really fun... :S
is it so much to ask to be content with myself for one day? i manage it when there aren't people around to judge me (whether they actually are or not isnt the issue, and in honesty im sure people have better things to do with their life than judge me)but as soon as i get back to the life i quite like living, hopin that i'll be able to retain some of the personal progress i made when i was away, within 24 hours i hate myself again. is this normal?? i know i dont need nick, or anyone, to make me feel like i'm worth something - but i just wish i could do it myself. be happy with myself. and know that im not the awful person i think people see. if i could just see myself through the eyes of someone else, i would be able to deal with what i am.but hating myself for not being this, or that, or the other....its exhausting. ah well enough of that.
richards comin over in a lil while to take some photos of me for his art project...that should be fun, i think he's bringin me beer :) yummy! heh heh
B xXx
is it so much to ask to be content with myself for one day? i manage it when there aren't people around to judge me (whether they actually are or not isnt the issue, and in honesty im sure people have better things to do with their life than judge me)but as soon as i get back to the life i quite like living, hopin that i'll be able to retain some of the personal progress i made when i was away, within 24 hours i hate myself again. is this normal?? i know i dont need nick, or anyone, to make me feel like i'm worth something - but i just wish i could do it myself. be happy with myself. and know that im not the awful person i think people see. if i could just see myself through the eyes of someone else, i would be able to deal with what i am.but hating myself for not being this, or that, or the other....its exhausting. ah well enough of that.
richards comin over in a lil while to take some photos of me for his art project...that should be fun, i think he's bringin me beer :) yummy! heh heh
B xXx