Wrapped up in you....
I'm crying to much to type all I want to say right now....I'm sure I'll have alot more to say at the end of the day. It still hurts so much that he is gone. It is crazy to think that two years ago tonight as I was falling asleep with Tinesha and Abbey close by that I had absolutely no idea that that would be the last good night of sleep I would have for the next couple years.... I had no idea that when I would wake up in the morning my world would be darker because my bestfriend, the guy that I planned out my entire future with had died. People keep telling me, "don't think about it, you can't do this to yourself" or "just go on with your day as normal, it'll only make it worse if you don't" but it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if I keep myself ridiculously busy or if I just sit in my room and cry staring at pictures or cuddling with clothes that he left at my house or just trying to sleep with the vacant chair next to my bed that he would sit in on late nights when I really needed to get to sleep but we would want to be together so badly just to talk and laugh that he'd sit there talking till I fell asleep. 2 years....have gone by....2....and I can still remember how soft his hand was, or how is hair felt after I'd mess it up for the 100th time just to get a rise out of him, or how well my head and his neck lined up when I'd snuggle up next to him. I can still smell his cologne after he'd put on way too much and we'd have to open all the windows. His laugh still echoes in my head and the way he'd look at me and in that instant I'd know what he meant even if he did not say a word. I'm not one to make long term committments or plan way ahead in life, but with Andy I never saw myself not with him. We had our goals and our dreams all laid out before us, our kids names the silverware we wanted for the aparment we'd someday get when we were brave enough to live on our own and even the plans for the Tri-color Macaroni Resturant that was going to be in that old building on Route 5 just outside of Chittenango. We planned on growing old together, being soulmates and bestfriends. I remember so clearly the first night we cooked dinner together for Kory and Shawn. We had spent the night in the park listening to the summer band and Andy was taking care of the Hazel Carpentar Home residents. And this old couple stood up and started dancing. The music wasn't too slow but it was ok because they were dancing with their hearts. The way they looked at each other, you could tell that they were in love so much that words could not begin to explain. Andy joked and said that'd be us someday, dancing to our own music while the rest of the world heard polka. I remember our only fights, two of them, over dumb things and one the night before my first varsity tennis match and Andys first day of college. He planned to rush back from class in order to make it to my match and we got in a stupid fight the night before and I knew it'd be over soon but I still didnt think he'd come to my match. Standing on the court I looked around and he wasnt there. But then I looked again and there he was clapping away standing there with a smile on his face and after the match all I could do was sit there and hug him and we knew we were fine. Tonight we sat at Johns house (the girls and I) and just talked about it all. I never really knew exactly what happened that day (more how everyone found out and such) I guess I sorta blocked it out but remembered what I needed to......