klu talks through her issues blog 2014

[queenklu]

I'm not used to feeling anxious, to the point where I didn't even realize I was until I started noticing some self-sabotaging behavior--and I felt like I couldn't do anything about it, because I never noticed until after the fact that what I was doing (or not doing) was setting up roadblocks for me to trip over. Best not to do anything at all, right? (Writing, in particular, has felt harder this last year than it ever has.)

Ugh, this is coming out all disjointed. Anyway, tombolguid helped me realize that the self-sabotageitude is probably anxiety. I think I know where the anxiety is coming from, and I thought it might help me to make a list so I can see it in concrete form, and maybe work on ways to overcome it.

Scotland

• I'm worried it won't be as good as I remember it. That I won't fit there the way I remember fitting, that (irrationally) someone will look at me and tell me to get out, I obviously don't belong. (Which, I know I don't, I'm not planning on moving there, but my year abroad meant/means so much to me, to who I am.)
• All of the non-tour details were left up to me to book for my family, so I was in charge of finding/reserving places for us to stay. So I'm worried something will fall through and it'll be my fault, and my job to fix it.

Okay, self, realities:

• It's a country, not a bitchy prep school that judges your worth upon entry. It's also not a magical fairy kingdom full of rainbows and unicorns ready to bop you on the head and grant you the next stage of personal growth. It's earth and people and culture, and you'll fit because you're not the terrified 20 year old you were when you went the first time, or even the slightly more sure of herself 21 year old when you came back. You're 25, people entrust small children to you on a daily basis, your self worth is not measured by Scotland but what you learned there, and that's not something that can be taken away.
• It will not be your fault if something goes wrong. You've triple checked it, your mom checked it, and if something does go wrong there will be two other adults (and your useless brother) there to help handle it. Some things--and some days!--are bound to be less fun than others, but they can only spoil the trip if you let it. No thwart hoarding. Deep breaths and count the good things.

Those are the big ones. Holy fuck, just writing that down made me realize how many of the small ones tie back to these two. Okay. Wow.