Fic: From Start To Beginning (Wanting)
Title: From Start to Beginning (Wanting)
Fandom: Gossip Girl
Pairing: Serena/Blair
Rating: PG
Word count: 2,315
Disclaimer: I don't own these characters. If I did, they would have long since been together... plus I'd be rich and likely writing professionally, so this would be canon rather than fanfic... I iz rambling yeah?
A/N: I am SOOO sorry for this being posted late. I had it all done proper and prepared, but the file somehow ended up being corrupted on my flash drive and I had revert back to an old draft and fix a ton of things.This is not the original final draft, thus I'm not the happiest with it, but it still ended up in the right place I think (sorry for any errant lingering mistakes!). Thanks so much to
aphrodite_mine for a last minute beta read. She officially rocks my socks! This was written for maddie508 for femslash09 . Hope you like it!
Summary: It is quite ludicrous when Blair thinks about it, even silly. She doesn’t remember when it started; maybe it had always been there, at least for as long a time as she could even feel such a thing.
It is quite ludicrous, when Blair thinks about it, even silly. She doesn’t remember when it started; maybe it had always been there, at least for as long a time as she could even feel such a thing. But she does remember when she first noticed it. They were just shy of fifteen, and nursing Serena back to health after one of her drunken escapades was beyond habit by now. She was shuttling the blonde into the elevator when she tripped just slightly, but somehow enough to send both of them hurdling towards the floor. The blonde just giggled as she landed on top of Blair, asking the brunette if she was just as drunk as she was. The question was rather absurd-no one was as drunk as Serena on most occasions-but she couldn’t bring herself to properly laugh at it as something clawed at her stomach. Tiny puffs of air hit her neck as Serena decided to settle herself on top of Blair, too tired to care that they were lying in the middle of an elevator. Blair would later try to chalk it up to something different, anything else really. But when she wakes up next to Serena the following morning, the blonde curled into a ball, idle hand clutching at Blair’s nightgown she knows with absolute certainty what this feeling is. It was want. She wanted Serena, and that knowledge terrified her like nothing else.
-------
There are times when she looks at her, really looks at her, and sees something that almost looks like a future. Waking up to long golden locks tickling her shoulder, arms wrapped snuggly around her waist, hands clasped together. She doesn’t know when it became her favorite fantasy, imagining them just being, but it’s the one she comes back to the most. She used to work to forget it but has long since abandoned such efforts. Instead, she allows herself to indulge in the thoughts when their hands occasionally brush past each other, finds herself getting lost in them when looking into crystal eyes. She gets lost in such fantasies, but always remembers never to hope for them. Why hope for something that silly, something destined to fail so epically. No, Blair Waldorf was not foolish enough hope because hoping was desperate and rather pathetic. And Waldorfs were anything but pathetic.
-------
Serena leaves and nothing has ever hurt her more. When her father leaves a few months later, she thanks Serena secretly for preparing her, doesn’t even question why her own father leaving the country hurts so much less. She refuses to ever think of want again.
-------
If she’s being honest, she always knew she and Nate were doomed. It doesn’t ease the sting of his betrayal much, but it doesn’t wound her as much as she lets on either. Serena’s a different story. The thought of the blonde with Nate claws at her mind, filling her with a sense of dread and anger every time she encounters the girl. A small part of her, one that she refuses to even acknowledge when sober and in the light of day, kicks at the back of her mind, begging her to find a way to forgive, to make things the way they once were again. But how do you forgive the girl who broke your heart, when you still won’t admit that she even has it.
-------
It takes some time, but they begin to mend their friendship. Their third year is passing by surprisingly fast, given the numerous dramas and personal crises that seem to abound. Somehow she ends up sleeping with Chuck, and while she’s still fuzzy on why, it seems to fit. She still detests him of course, but they blend together in a fitting way that she hasn't with anyone else. Well except for…
It’s begun to blanket their friendship again, that tiny little feeling that’s more than a flutter but less than a rumble. She refuses to give it a name this time; refuses to think on what it could mean. She’s content with things the way they are and there’s no reason to muddle them about again in her mind. She let’s herself fall for Chuck, slowly and a bit distressingly. She sure if she tries hard enough, she can want him too.
When she tells Serena that they’re family, that nothing the blonde could ever say would make her let go, she knows she’s never spoken truer words.
------
Their final year passes by even more quickly than the one prior, and thankfully with significantly less drama. One moment stands out more than the rest though. Chuck’s father passes and she wants nothing more than to be there for him. They’re still dancing around one another, playing games, but for once she just wants it to stop, for them to anchor each other down, maybe even temper each other the way she and Serena do. She’s starting to resent that it always comes back to her and Serena’s relationship, but has finally admitted that it’s the most stable, constant thing she’s ever had, so why not use it to compare. Serena’s been more solid this year than ever, and for once she can lean on her instead of the other way around. It’s nice, and it feels her chest with something more than before, something that she likes exceedingly better because it doesn’t conflict with any other emotion she should or wants to feel. She feels safe.
-------
It takes Chuck all of three weeks to cheat on her. She wishes she could say she’s surprised, but really, it’s Chuck Bass. She knew what she was getting into from the start. It doesn’t hit her, just how prepared she was, until she sees Serena at her door, carrying a carton of ice cream she knows they won’t eat and a bottle of merlot she’s sure they’ll drink. She feels the prickle of tears fighting their way forward only moments before they begin pour out in earnest. It’s only seconds after that that she feels Serena wrap her arms tightly around her. Prepared or not, it still hurts like hell. She thought they had a chance, that they really meant enough to each other to make it work. The more she thinks of Chuck, the harder her body starts to wrack with sobs, and for a brief instant she feels like her world may implode. But then Serena wraps her arms even tighter around the brunette, as if she senses the turmoil she was slipping into, and it becomes just a little bit better. Not okay, but good enough to breathe again. Serena’s her anchor, and for the first time in ages, she doesn’t think about the complexities of want and need, just shuffles towards the bed and settles against Serena, quickly slipping into a dreamless sleep.
-------
She knows this goes beyond reason, though she’s sure she could justify it if she wanted. And want is all that seems present in her life these days. It’s a constant want that’s threaded through her so completely that it’s near consumed her. But it’s a want, not a need, and that fact is what helps keep it all at bay.
-------
She knows she’s lost her sanity when she goes to Vanessa for advice. But it’s there again and this time all it takes is a simple thought to set her aflame with these... feelings. And suddenly Serena is all she seems capable of thinking about, beyond classes and social events of course. Vanessa takes one look at her after she asks, then proceeds to laugh hysterically.
“Um, Blair, why are you asking me what it’s like to be with a girl. Wait, you’re not like asking me asking, are you,” the other girl asks tentatively.
“What?! No! I just figured that since you’re all liberated and what not you would be the best person to ask. Clearly that was a mistake,” she huffed out before turning on her heel and heading towards the door.
“Is this about Serena?” Vanessa asks and the way she freezes mid-step is likely more than enough for an answer.
“And why would this be about Serena?” Blair asks tensely, slowly turning around to meet the other girl’s gaze.
“Well it’s not like you’ve ever made it a big secret, how you feel about her,” Vanessa responded matter-of-factly.
“What are you talking about?”
“I just mean that you’ve always looked at Serena a certain way. In fact you both look at each other like that-like you’re the most important people in the world to one another. I actually asked Dan about it once; if you two had ever been together.”
“You what?! What is-“ Blair began.
“Blair do you want my advice or not?”
“Not really,” the girl responded.
“Well you’re getting it anyway. You and Serena have already been together, for at least the entire time I’ve known you. The only part missing seems to be the physical, and I’m sure you can figure the mechanics of that out well enough on your own. So stop being so terrified and just get it on already,” Vanessa offered, the smirk forming on her lips instantly after she finished speaking.
“You know, you are quite repulsive,” was all Blair seemed capable of responding, before turning around and heading towards the door again, a quiet thanks murmured just before she exited the building.
------
She finds it impossible to broach the situation with Serena. Just cannot seem to figure a reasonable way to approach your best friend about how much you want her. So instead she pulls back more in their conversations, tries to stay a few feet away when together, does her best to distance herself until she can come up with a proper solution. Serena notices, doesn’t say anything at first, but becomes more persistent with her questions eventually.
“Is everything okay?” the blonde asks, concerned. They’re watching Breakfast at Tiffany’s on Blair’s bed, something they do nearly every time Serena’s in town, just because the blonde knows how much she loves it.
“Everything’s fine S. Don’t worry about it,” Blair answers, moving to put a bit more space between the two on the bed. She begins to fidget though, her stupid body betraying her mind; she just wants to move that little bit closer to Serena, to feel the heat radiate off the blonde’s skin and onto hers.
“I think I’m going to get a drink. Did you need anything,” Blair asks, desperate to regain composure.
“No I’m fine. Thanks,” Serena responds with a curious look on her face that Blair can’t be bothered to examine at the moment.
As soon as she gets out of the room she feels the air rush back into her lungs, a thrilling feeling because she didn’t realize she was holding her breath to begin with. She heads into the kitchen, grabs a glass and fills it with water. She downs the liquid quickly and realizes it’s done nothing to calm her nerves. She clutches at the counter, wondering if now might be the right time to try something stronger. Alcohol could only make this worse, make her foolish enough to act before she’s ready. She doesn't hear Serena enter the kitchen, but it’s not long before she can feel her, slowly moving to a stop behind her. She’s close, too close, and the fire that’s spreading across her body from the girl’s mere presence makes her clutch the counter more tightly.
“I spoke to Vanessa,” the blonde spoke, causing a short, rushed intake of air from Blair.
“Well that’s nice,” the brunette responded, attempting to move away from Serena. But turning around only made her aware of just how close she was to the other girl, now all but trapped between her and the counter.
“You know, it kind of was. She told me something pretty interesting. Gave me a theory on why you’ve been acting so weird.”
“Hmm. Well that’s interesting. Think we should get back to the film now,” Blair states more than asks, futilely attempting to move away from Serena again.
“Aren’t you interested in hearing the theory though,” Serena asks coyly, facing inching a bit closer to the brunette’s.
“No, not really. I don’t particularly trust anything Va-“ Blair began before being interrupted by the firm press of Serena’s lips against her own. Her eyes flutter shut immediately and it’s… more than she’d ever imagined it could be. Serena seems content to just linger there softly, waiting for Blair to make this something more or less. But despite wanting more, so much more in fact, Blair pulls back just slightly.
“Serena, we can’t… this can’t… what are we doing,” she asks quietly, nervously.
“The same thing we should have always been doing,” the blonde states simply, and with that, all the worries seem to evaporate. This is probably wrong and definitely bound to end miserably, but as Serena’s lips press back into hers, this time with more passion and vigor, Blair Waldorf could not care less.
-------
She knows now. Knows that this has become a need. It probably always has been. It’s still terrifying, something that needles at the pit of her stomach when she begins to think about it too much. She sometimes can’t believe how easy this has all been, how quickly and smoothly they work into each others’ lives as something more, and she just knows the other shoe is bound to drop soon enough. But then she’ll see Serena, feel an arm wrap around her waist, a kiss nuzzled into her neck , and she thinks maybe this can be okay, that if this is what needing will offer her, the fear doesn’t matter.
Fandom: Gossip Girl
Pairing: Serena/Blair
Rating: PG
Word count: 2,315
Disclaimer: I don't own these characters. If I did, they would have long since been together... plus I'd be rich and likely writing professionally, so this would be canon rather than fanfic... I iz rambling yeah?
A/N: I am SOOO sorry for this being posted late. I had it all done proper and prepared, but the file somehow ended up being corrupted on my flash drive and I had revert back to an old draft and fix a ton of things.This is not the original final draft, thus I'm not the happiest with it, but it still ended up in the right place I think (sorry for any errant lingering mistakes!). Thanks so much to
aphrodite_mine for a last minute beta read. She officially rocks my socks! This was written for maddie508 for femslash09 . Hope you like it!
Summary: It is quite ludicrous when Blair thinks about it, even silly. She doesn’t remember when it started; maybe it had always been there, at least for as long a time as she could even feel such a thing.
It is quite ludicrous, when Blair thinks about it, even silly. She doesn’t remember when it started; maybe it had always been there, at least for as long a time as she could even feel such a thing. But she does remember when she first noticed it. They were just shy of fifteen, and nursing Serena back to health after one of her drunken escapades was beyond habit by now. She was shuttling the blonde into the elevator when she tripped just slightly, but somehow enough to send both of them hurdling towards the floor. The blonde just giggled as she landed on top of Blair, asking the brunette if she was just as drunk as she was. The question was rather absurd-no one was as drunk as Serena on most occasions-but she couldn’t bring herself to properly laugh at it as something clawed at her stomach. Tiny puffs of air hit her neck as Serena decided to settle herself on top of Blair, too tired to care that they were lying in the middle of an elevator. Blair would later try to chalk it up to something different, anything else really. But when she wakes up next to Serena the following morning, the blonde curled into a ball, idle hand clutching at Blair’s nightgown she knows with absolute certainty what this feeling is. It was want. She wanted Serena, and that knowledge terrified her like nothing else.
-------
There are times when she looks at her, really looks at her, and sees something that almost looks like a future. Waking up to long golden locks tickling her shoulder, arms wrapped snuggly around her waist, hands clasped together. She doesn’t know when it became her favorite fantasy, imagining them just being, but it’s the one she comes back to the most. She used to work to forget it but has long since abandoned such efforts. Instead, she allows herself to indulge in the thoughts when their hands occasionally brush past each other, finds herself getting lost in them when looking into crystal eyes. She gets lost in such fantasies, but always remembers never to hope for them. Why hope for something that silly, something destined to fail so epically. No, Blair Waldorf was not foolish enough hope because hoping was desperate and rather pathetic. And Waldorfs were anything but pathetic.
-------
Serena leaves and nothing has ever hurt her more. When her father leaves a few months later, she thanks Serena secretly for preparing her, doesn’t even question why her own father leaving the country hurts so much less. She refuses to ever think of want again.
-------
If she’s being honest, she always knew she and Nate were doomed. It doesn’t ease the sting of his betrayal much, but it doesn’t wound her as much as she lets on either. Serena’s a different story. The thought of the blonde with Nate claws at her mind, filling her with a sense of dread and anger every time she encounters the girl. A small part of her, one that she refuses to even acknowledge when sober and in the light of day, kicks at the back of her mind, begging her to find a way to forgive, to make things the way they once were again. But how do you forgive the girl who broke your heart, when you still won’t admit that she even has it.
-------
It takes some time, but they begin to mend their friendship. Their third year is passing by surprisingly fast, given the numerous dramas and personal crises that seem to abound. Somehow she ends up sleeping with Chuck, and while she’s still fuzzy on why, it seems to fit. She still detests him of course, but they blend together in a fitting way that she hasn't with anyone else. Well except for…
It’s begun to blanket their friendship again, that tiny little feeling that’s more than a flutter but less than a rumble. She refuses to give it a name this time; refuses to think on what it could mean. She’s content with things the way they are and there’s no reason to muddle them about again in her mind. She let’s herself fall for Chuck, slowly and a bit distressingly. She sure if she tries hard enough, she can want him too.
When she tells Serena that they’re family, that nothing the blonde could ever say would make her let go, she knows she’s never spoken truer words.
------
Their final year passes by even more quickly than the one prior, and thankfully with significantly less drama. One moment stands out more than the rest though. Chuck’s father passes and she wants nothing more than to be there for him. They’re still dancing around one another, playing games, but for once she just wants it to stop, for them to anchor each other down, maybe even temper each other the way she and Serena do. She’s starting to resent that it always comes back to her and Serena’s relationship, but has finally admitted that it’s the most stable, constant thing she’s ever had, so why not use it to compare. Serena’s been more solid this year than ever, and for once she can lean on her instead of the other way around. It’s nice, and it feels her chest with something more than before, something that she likes exceedingly better because it doesn’t conflict with any other emotion she should or wants to feel. She feels safe.
-------
It takes Chuck all of three weeks to cheat on her. She wishes she could say she’s surprised, but really, it’s Chuck Bass. She knew what she was getting into from the start. It doesn’t hit her, just how prepared she was, until she sees Serena at her door, carrying a carton of ice cream she knows they won’t eat and a bottle of merlot she’s sure they’ll drink. She feels the prickle of tears fighting their way forward only moments before they begin pour out in earnest. It’s only seconds after that that she feels Serena wrap her arms tightly around her. Prepared or not, it still hurts like hell. She thought they had a chance, that they really meant enough to each other to make it work. The more she thinks of Chuck, the harder her body starts to wrack with sobs, and for a brief instant she feels like her world may implode. But then Serena wraps her arms even tighter around the brunette, as if she senses the turmoil she was slipping into, and it becomes just a little bit better. Not okay, but good enough to breathe again. Serena’s her anchor, and for the first time in ages, she doesn’t think about the complexities of want and need, just shuffles towards the bed and settles against Serena, quickly slipping into a dreamless sleep.
-------
She knows this goes beyond reason, though she’s sure she could justify it if she wanted. And want is all that seems present in her life these days. It’s a constant want that’s threaded through her so completely that it’s near consumed her. But it’s a want, not a need, and that fact is what helps keep it all at bay.
-------
She knows she’s lost her sanity when she goes to Vanessa for advice. But it’s there again and this time all it takes is a simple thought to set her aflame with these... feelings. And suddenly Serena is all she seems capable of thinking about, beyond classes and social events of course. Vanessa takes one look at her after she asks, then proceeds to laugh hysterically.
“Um, Blair, why are you asking me what it’s like to be with a girl. Wait, you’re not like asking me asking, are you,” the other girl asks tentatively.
“What?! No! I just figured that since you’re all liberated and what not you would be the best person to ask. Clearly that was a mistake,” she huffed out before turning on her heel and heading towards the door.
“Is this about Serena?” Vanessa asks and the way she freezes mid-step is likely more than enough for an answer.
“And why would this be about Serena?” Blair asks tensely, slowly turning around to meet the other girl’s gaze.
“Well it’s not like you’ve ever made it a big secret, how you feel about her,” Vanessa responded matter-of-factly.
“What are you talking about?”
“I just mean that you’ve always looked at Serena a certain way. In fact you both look at each other like that-like you’re the most important people in the world to one another. I actually asked Dan about it once; if you two had ever been together.”
“You what?! What is-“ Blair began.
“Blair do you want my advice or not?”
“Not really,” the girl responded.
“Well you’re getting it anyway. You and Serena have already been together, for at least the entire time I’ve known you. The only part missing seems to be the physical, and I’m sure you can figure the mechanics of that out well enough on your own. So stop being so terrified and just get it on already,” Vanessa offered, the smirk forming on her lips instantly after she finished speaking.
“You know, you are quite repulsive,” was all Blair seemed capable of responding, before turning around and heading towards the door again, a quiet thanks murmured just before she exited the building.
------
She finds it impossible to broach the situation with Serena. Just cannot seem to figure a reasonable way to approach your best friend about how much you want her. So instead she pulls back more in their conversations, tries to stay a few feet away when together, does her best to distance herself until she can come up with a proper solution. Serena notices, doesn’t say anything at first, but becomes more persistent with her questions eventually.
“Is everything okay?” the blonde asks, concerned. They’re watching Breakfast at Tiffany’s on Blair’s bed, something they do nearly every time Serena’s in town, just because the blonde knows how much she loves it.
“Everything’s fine S. Don’t worry about it,” Blair answers, moving to put a bit more space between the two on the bed. She begins to fidget though, her stupid body betraying her mind; she just wants to move that little bit closer to Serena, to feel the heat radiate off the blonde’s skin and onto hers.
“I think I’m going to get a drink. Did you need anything,” Blair asks, desperate to regain composure.
“No I’m fine. Thanks,” Serena responds with a curious look on her face that Blair can’t be bothered to examine at the moment.
As soon as she gets out of the room she feels the air rush back into her lungs, a thrilling feeling because she didn’t realize she was holding her breath to begin with. She heads into the kitchen, grabs a glass and fills it with water. She downs the liquid quickly and realizes it’s done nothing to calm her nerves. She clutches at the counter, wondering if now might be the right time to try something stronger. Alcohol could only make this worse, make her foolish enough to act before she’s ready. She doesn't hear Serena enter the kitchen, but it’s not long before she can feel her, slowly moving to a stop behind her. She’s close, too close, and the fire that’s spreading across her body from the girl’s mere presence makes her clutch the counter more tightly.
“I spoke to Vanessa,” the blonde spoke, causing a short, rushed intake of air from Blair.
“Well that’s nice,” the brunette responded, attempting to move away from Serena. But turning around only made her aware of just how close she was to the other girl, now all but trapped between her and the counter.
“You know, it kind of was. She told me something pretty interesting. Gave me a theory on why you’ve been acting so weird.”
“Hmm. Well that’s interesting. Think we should get back to the film now,” Blair states more than asks, futilely attempting to move away from Serena again.
“Aren’t you interested in hearing the theory though,” Serena asks coyly, facing inching a bit closer to the brunette’s.
“No, not really. I don’t particularly trust anything Va-“ Blair began before being interrupted by the firm press of Serena’s lips against her own. Her eyes flutter shut immediately and it’s… more than she’d ever imagined it could be. Serena seems content to just linger there softly, waiting for Blair to make this something more or less. But despite wanting more, so much more in fact, Blair pulls back just slightly.
“Serena, we can’t… this can’t… what are we doing,” she asks quietly, nervously.
“The same thing we should have always been doing,” the blonde states simply, and with that, all the worries seem to evaporate. This is probably wrong and definitely bound to end miserably, but as Serena’s lips press back into hers, this time with more passion and vigor, Blair Waldorf could not care less.
-------
She knows now. Knows that this has become a need. It probably always has been. It’s still terrifying, something that needles at the pit of her stomach when she begins to think about it too much. She sometimes can’t believe how easy this has all been, how quickly and smoothly they work into each others’ lives as something more, and she just knows the other shoe is bound to drop soon enough. But then she’ll see Serena, feel an arm wrap around her waist, a kiss nuzzled into her neck , and she thinks maybe this can be okay, that if this is what needing will offer her, the fear doesn’t matter.