Fandom: A Love Story
I’ve always been exceptionally shy, like painfully, horribly shy. It was fear of being seen as foolish, fear of being rejected and teased. I was very odd, especially as a little girl, very sensitive (a crier), so I was rejected and teased anyway. But I wasn’t lonely, because I could always escape. I didn’t know the word at the time, but I was a fangirl.
It started with Star Trek: The Next Generation. I vaguely remember watching it, then suddenly bursting into tears after Data said something about the deflector dish. My mother thought I had hurt myself, she asked me what was wrong. “I don’t understand!” I wailed. Imagine my poor mother, having to explain to a distraught four year old that Star Trek wasn’t real, and that there was no such thing as a deflector dish.
My fandom came into full bloom with a little show called SeaQuest DSV. It was my sister who brought it to my attention (she thinks I’m a total dork, btw, 15 years later and I still can’t figure out why she brought it up). “You’ve got to see this guy,” she told me “he’s sooo cute.” “He” was Jonathan Brandis, and the second I laid eyes on him, I was in love. In love with him, in love with his show, in love with fandom. Completely and irrevocably and forever. He is and always will be my fangirl’s baby-daddy, and though I never got to meet him, I find I miss him terribly.
I didn’t have internet access at the time; I was a one-girl fandom army. I kept a diary of the characters, their back stories, their plotlines. I drew pictures of my favorite scenes. I dreamed up stories, though I didn’t write them down (I had never heard the word ‘fanfiction’). My third grade class knew the names of most of the characters. I’m serious.
Then came x-files, which brought me much joy for the six seasons where it was good, and the eight seasons it was on (I will *never* acknowledge that season we don’t speak of). I was in high school by this point, and I was sitting in study hall one day, daydreaming. My arm came away from the side of the desk, covered in this…well…goo. But my first thought (after ‘ewww’) was a story. An x-files story. It just popped into my head, fully formed and amazing. ‘Someone should write this.’ I thought, and then ‘why not you?’ Shortly after, my first fanfic was born, and creative writing has been a passion of mine ever since.
Even after all of this, I didn’t really ‘join’ any fandom until Farscape came along. I was tired of being a fandom island, and I found I had a TON to say about the show. Luckily by then I had internet access, so I joined the Scifi message board. Problem was our access was spotty at best, you had to be quick or you would lose your post. So I learned to type. I went from a hunt and peck typist to 35 wpm in a matter of months. (I’m currently at about 60, if you’re interested). This was actually something I could put on my resume, something that has helped me get jobs.
Through the board, I found out about a con in Chicago. The idea of actually *meeting* the actors I loved so much made me giddy. Plus, it was right after the cancellation, so I had to go. Though I lived in Chicago, I was on vacation with my family at the time. I happened to find a group of Farscape fans going from there to Chicago. Through some small miracle, I found some girls I could room with.
So here I am, the shyest girl on the planet, getting in a van with 5 strangers, going to a hotel to sleep in a room with 3 other complete strangers. My whole family met them in the lobby, aunts and uncles and cousins and everything. Apparently they passed the not-a-group-of-psycho-killers test, because my family let me go. The ride was great, the people were amazing. We got in at about 3 am; all of my new roommates were asleep. I have RA though, and the pain was terrible that night. I was trying to cry silently, but I woke one of my roommates, and she asked me if I was okay. When I explained the situation, she offered me some meds she happened to have with her. (Dangerous, I know, but it worked out fine).
I woke the next morning feeling amazing (yay codeine!), and it was off to the con. Within a day, I was totally hooked (it’s David Franklin’s fault, but that’s another story). The only thorn in my side was this total creeper who kept hitting on me and offering to buy me drinks, even after I told him (repeatedly) that I was not interested, and that I was only eighteen. One of my roommates actually noticed, she asked me what was wrong, and actually wanted to know! I was so shy people rarely looked at me, much less asked me how I was feeling. I told her it’s no big deal; just this creepy guy won’t leave me alone. She told her roommates, then they all said “Don’t worry, you’re with us now.” He never bothered me again.
I also kissed a chick at that con…but that’s another story as well…
It really was one of the best weekends ever. I stayed up all night, talked to complete and total strangers that became instant best friends, (“OMG, you like Farscape? I like Farscape!”) I begged food and money off of them (another celebrated con tradition), partied in their hotel rooms. But it was easy; it wasn’t awkward at all, because we had common ground.
That same year, I discovered Creation. I jumped at the chance to go to a con again (SG-1 this time); despite the fact that it was more expensive than the previous fan-run con I attended. Again, I felt terribly shy. But then I met a family, and got adopted. The first night, they basically demanded that I go to dinner with them, and who am I to argue. We spent the whole weekend together, shared embarrassing stories. Again, we had common ground (the show) but I learned that we had more in common. Fandom seemed to attract the same kind of people I guess.
I also misplaced my camera that year. It was a gift from my parents, I was freaking out. But I asked one of the security people (mamma duck, they call her, but I didn’t know that back then), and she asked me what it looked like. “It’s silver…and black…” I cried. And she said, “Don’t worry, we’ve got it.” Someone had turned it in when they could have just as easily stolen it. “Really? Thank you so much!” I replied, and she said, “Yeah, we’ve got you sweetie” (Something like that, anyway.) Mamma, if you’re reading this, you totally restored my faith in humanity.
Things have only gotten better from there. I went to Vancouver to tour the set and made friends with Karen, then later, switch842 , squigglysarah nikki_dichotomy and brihana_25 (why can't I find her username, grrr) and many others. I realize that I go to the cons now more for my friends than the stars! That and the booze.
I crashed the supernatural con this year (well, the karaoke party anyway), and will actually pay to go next year. I’ve only been watching the show for a few months, so it was long sold out by the time I was in love with the show. Supernatural fans are pretty awesome. They are definitely the loudest, least inhibited fandom I’ve been associated with (or is that just me after some vodka..?)
Like I said, I’ve always been shy, so much so that it’s affected my life. What’s more, I’ve spent most of my life denying that I was a dork through and through. I wanted to be accepted, be like the other people. What I didn’t realize is that there were people just like me, and they would accept me without me having to change a thing. Fandom has taught me that I am who I am, and I don’t need to change to please people. Since I learned that, my life has been so much happier.
When you look at it logically, it’s dumb to be so drawn in by a TV show. But really, it’s just a jumping off point. Fans who meet each other tend to find they have much more in common. Essentially, fan-friends quickly become real friends. So thank you fans and fandoms everywhere, for being such a big part of my life, for bringing me true and wonderful friends, and for teaching me to be true to myself.