Ghosts on the Dance Floor...
February 14... in a strange twist of fate, I received my divorce paperwork back last week and that is the date the courts finalized our divorce.
I'm hoping this is the last entry I ever write about Derek. I've gone through the grieving process and I realize that not once do I miss Derek as a person... I mourn that I no longer can afford to live in a house, or that my financial freedom is limited because as a teacher I barely make a salary above the poverty level, or maybe miss having a little extra commedia acting support. However, knowing that I don't actually miss the actual person I'm divorcing, makes me feel confident about my decision.
Looking at the situation pragmatically, I'm a thirty-two year old woman (well, for 10 more days), who has learned so much about herself. I'm a talented actress, dancer, performer, reenactor, and costumer. I enjoy so many skills, live a life I love, and I have my whole life ahead of me. I now have time to really write that best-selling novel, or figure out something financially... My soon-to-be ex-husband is 42, this will be his second divorce, and he suffers from narcissistic personality disorder. His disorder will only grow worse because he no longer has anyone to make excuses or apologize for his conduct, nor does he continue to see a therapist to manage his mental illness. Whatever, it's not my problem anymore.
But if you will indulge me for a moment, apparently Derek posted a poem on his Facebook feed that a mutual friend wrote down for me. It's called, "Ghosts on the Dance Floor." Even though he apparently posted a preface, everyone in the universe could tell this freaking poem was about me. I'll decipher and post my response below.
Ghost on the Dance Floor
Entrancing, tracing, gliding
A beauty. Hope for a future.
A plan. A dream. A smoke, a fire
an ash and an end.
Temptation, a location, freezing
sweating, a circle unbroken, a knot,
a puzzle, a baby, a child
a man and a woman. A shape, this enigma.
This maze of a labyrinth life.
My analysis:
* The title, "Ghosts on the Dance Floor" and the first line about "gliding, entrancing..." references the fact that whether it's Zumba, renaissance dance, dancing at a club, or breaking out into spontaneous dancing, I'm always dancing. Dancing isn't easy due for me, I have never felt like I had great natural skill at dancing. However, I love dancing so much that I've kept working on it for many years. Now I have a couple awards in Renaissance dance and I'm a licensed Zumba Kids instructor. There is just something freeing and beautiful about listening to music and dancing your heart out.
Then the word "ghosts" could reference many things... I love ghost stories, haunting, chilling times. I'm also a professional actress at a haunted house / escape room, so I sometimes act as a ghost or spirit, or act like I'm possessed by them. Also ghosts could symbolize the emotional energy left behind as he tries to move on, but he's ultimately haunted by these ghosts from ten years of memories.
"A beauty..." He still acknowledges that I'm beautiful. I'd say despite all our problems, he always stayed physically attracted to me. The next lines, "Hope for a future, a plan, a dream" references the idealistic views we had when we were first married. Young love where we planned we would be together forever; made plans, shared dreams... it's a very wistful, longing tone of the past. But then our relationship ultimately died with "smoke, fire, ash and an end."
The next lines "Temptation, a location, freezing, sweating" referenced the time right before we decided to stay separated, and he decided to rape me at Pennsic while I slept. The night was freezing, but he was sweating both due to intoxication, but he felt like even though I was knocked out cold, he was entitled to have sex with me because it was Pennsic, and we were still married even though it was quite close to our final days when all this happened.
A "circle unbroken" symbolizes perfection, eternity... and things were that way between us for about six years. We felt the tension, the unspeakable force of passion pulling us together. There were people who always commented that they could see the passion and intensity between us, and a lot of people wished they had our relationship. Everything always seems so perfect from the outside. Ultimately, our marriage became a "knot, a puzzle." A knot that could never become undone, a puzzle we couldn't solve.
A baby, a child references the fact that he always wanted children, but I never did. Even when I was younger, I dreamed about being a teacher, I never dreamed about having children. He had Dorian, and did a horrible job raising him and being a parent, even though he had full custody. I guess I had the blessing or curse to preview his parenting before ultimately deciding to step into that role with him. There were some other problems we had too... but the fundamental problem was I didn't want children. He said he was fine, but I think it hurt him more than he ever discussed, especially for that aspect of our marriage to pop up again in this poem.
"A shape, this enigma. This maze of a labyrinth life," Our lives have taken a different shape as we navigate the future alone. An enigma is references something that is puzzling, or difficult to understand. That line could reference me, our lives; it's difficult to understand why life brought us together and tore us apart. Maybe life feels like a meaningless maze where he is hitting these enigmatic walls.
Derek's prominent tone of longing and wistfulness... is chilling to me. I'm sure he misses having a wife to yell at and "just take his abuse." That's not me. It's over between us. This is the end.
I'm hoping this is the last entry I ever write about Derek. I've gone through the grieving process and I realize that not once do I miss Derek as a person... I mourn that I no longer can afford to live in a house, or that my financial freedom is limited because as a teacher I barely make a salary above the poverty level, or maybe miss having a little extra commedia acting support. However, knowing that I don't actually miss the actual person I'm divorcing, makes me feel confident about my decision.
Looking at the situation pragmatically, I'm a thirty-two year old woman (well, for 10 more days), who has learned so much about herself. I'm a talented actress, dancer, performer, reenactor, and costumer. I enjoy so many skills, live a life I love, and I have my whole life ahead of me. I now have time to really write that best-selling novel, or figure out something financially... My soon-to-be ex-husband is 42, this will be his second divorce, and he suffers from narcissistic personality disorder. His disorder will only grow worse because he no longer has anyone to make excuses or apologize for his conduct, nor does he continue to see a therapist to manage his mental illness. Whatever, it's not my problem anymore.
But if you will indulge me for a moment, apparently Derek posted a poem on his Facebook feed that a mutual friend wrote down for me. It's called, "Ghosts on the Dance Floor." Even though he apparently posted a preface, everyone in the universe could tell this freaking poem was about me. I'll decipher and post my response below.
Ghost on the Dance Floor
Entrancing, tracing, gliding
A beauty. Hope for a future.
A plan. A dream. A smoke, a fire
an ash and an end.
Temptation, a location, freezing
sweating, a circle unbroken, a knot,
a puzzle, a baby, a child
a man and a woman. A shape, this enigma.
This maze of a labyrinth life.
My analysis:
* The title, "Ghosts on the Dance Floor" and the first line about "gliding, entrancing..." references the fact that whether it's Zumba, renaissance dance, dancing at a club, or breaking out into spontaneous dancing, I'm always dancing. Dancing isn't easy due for me, I have never felt like I had great natural skill at dancing. However, I love dancing so much that I've kept working on it for many years. Now I have a couple awards in Renaissance dance and I'm a licensed Zumba Kids instructor. There is just something freeing and beautiful about listening to music and dancing your heart out.
Then the word "ghosts" could reference many things... I love ghost stories, haunting, chilling times. I'm also a professional actress at a haunted house / escape room, so I sometimes act as a ghost or spirit, or act like I'm possessed by them. Also ghosts could symbolize the emotional energy left behind as he tries to move on, but he's ultimately haunted by these ghosts from ten years of memories.
"A beauty..." He still acknowledges that I'm beautiful. I'd say despite all our problems, he always stayed physically attracted to me. The next lines, "Hope for a future, a plan, a dream" references the idealistic views we had when we were first married. Young love where we planned we would be together forever; made plans, shared dreams... it's a very wistful, longing tone of the past. But then our relationship ultimately died with "smoke, fire, ash and an end."
The next lines "Temptation, a location, freezing, sweating" referenced the time right before we decided to stay separated, and he decided to rape me at Pennsic while I slept. The night was freezing, but he was sweating both due to intoxication, but he felt like even though I was knocked out cold, he was entitled to have sex with me because it was Pennsic, and we were still married even though it was quite close to our final days when all this happened.
A "circle unbroken" symbolizes perfection, eternity... and things were that way between us for about six years. We felt the tension, the unspeakable force of passion pulling us together. There were people who always commented that they could see the passion and intensity between us, and a lot of people wished they had our relationship. Everything always seems so perfect from the outside. Ultimately, our marriage became a "knot, a puzzle." A knot that could never become undone, a puzzle we couldn't solve.
A baby, a child references the fact that he always wanted children, but I never did. Even when I was younger, I dreamed about being a teacher, I never dreamed about having children. He had Dorian, and did a horrible job raising him and being a parent, even though he had full custody. I guess I had the blessing or curse to preview his parenting before ultimately deciding to step into that role with him. There were some other problems we had too... but the fundamental problem was I didn't want children. He said he was fine, but I think it hurt him more than he ever discussed, especially for that aspect of our marriage to pop up again in this poem.
"A shape, this enigma. This maze of a labyrinth life," Our lives have taken a different shape as we navigate the future alone. An enigma is references something that is puzzling, or difficult to understand. That line could reference me, our lives; it's difficult to understand why life brought us together and tore us apart. Maybe life feels like a meaningless maze where he is hitting these enigmatic walls.
Derek's prominent tone of longing and wistfulness... is chilling to me. I'm sure he misses having a wife to yell at and "just take his abuse." That's not me. It's over between us. This is the end.