Smiling Amidst Death's Pending Embrace...
I seriously have so much catching up to do, where did the last six months of 2014 go? I have a lot to write about from the close of the school year, to my family vacation to Maine, to my life and a few philosophical speculations in general. For today though, I'm sadly going to focus on some depressing thoughts floating around this moment... in hope that recording these thoughts upon the page will somehow get them out of my mind.
So last I left off in January, things were going really well, and to be honest things are still rather wonderful out here in Maryland. In short, I love my job and will be working at the same place next school year. I've started to pursue artistic pursuits I've left behind long ago when things got chaotic. I sew more. I write more. I act more. I dance more. I exercise more. I create amazing things.
If you've been keeping up with me throughout these last eleven years of my life, you probably are aware I'm poly-friendly, and ever since high school, polyamory has made more sense to me than monogamy: http://queeneamidala13.livejournal.com/219556.html
So if you read or have read the entry I reference above, this has been my thought process my entire life. I mean, a lot of people transfer into the poly-mindset because their partner wants to pursue it, or life circumstances, or other situations. However, when I try to explain to people why polyamory is more comfortable and fulfilling to me than monogamy, I acquaint it to the same reason some people are homosexual, bisexual, or heterosexual... I feel like I was born with this mindset. I remember when I was in 6th grade, that my parents took me to see the musical, "Phantom of the Opera." I was mesmerized by the musical, and my first comment after it was over was, "Wasn't Christine so lucky? She not only had one guy who loved and cared about her, she had two!" I guess that was maybe a little of a stretch, considering the Phantom was more akin to a creepy stalker than a great lover... but the point is, even though Christine didn't love him romantically, throughout the musical she talks about how thankful she is to have had him care about her, teach her, watch over her. She cares about him, and ultimately at the end of the musical when he is a monster at his worst, she shows her compassion toward him and kisses him on the cheek. I've always been more attracted to these kind of stories. Once I broke free from the Catholic church, and the conditioning little girls receive from society to believe "there's one person for everyone," I was able to become free to truly discover and embrace who I am.
Biologically, this inclination could also be genetically based. For instance, my grandmother would date more than one guy at a time, and for awhile she even dated my step-grandfather while he was married to someone else. My biological grandfather was the same way. Once he left my grandmother, he was in multiple relationships with many women. Even while in relationships, he'd flirt with other people. When I first met him on his deathbed, he wasn't worried about dying. He was worried about getting his flirt on with all the nurses taking care of him.
Even though I've been poly-minded my whole life, I haven't really had any polyamorous relationships since high school. It's okay, just because I have this mindset doesn't mean I NEED to be in a relationship. I'm really picky especially now that I have an exorbitant amount of variables in my life.
So all of this is a long preface to say that for the last six months, I have been in my first serious polyamorous relationship. I have an amazing boyfriend. Remember the guy I described back in January?
On a social networking site, a really awesome Scadian saw my profile and contacted me because it seemed that we have a lot in common.. we have crossed paths by teaching at many of the same public demos within the last two years I've been here. He rows a Viking longship for fun...
I was at the point I had given up on trying to meet decent and pleasantly esoteric individuals to have as friends here, so I really wasn't even looking for a relationship. He has a primary partner but she travels a lot, and has been out of town for almost a year. I've talked to her though, and she is cool with the relationship. It was a pleasant surprise to me that Lothar reached out to me. We first went to a folk music festival together, then a week later he invited me over to cook a nice dinner, and we'd spend many hours talking and laughing together. We hung out many times after that. He was born and raised here, and a history teacher... meanwhile, I'm new here and want to explore everything. So when we tour the local sites, I have my own private tour guide. At the beginning of February, we went to a pirate feast and waltzed the whole night away. The next day while walking around the Inner Harbor, he told me that he had fallen in love with me and asked if he could be my boyfriend.
I honestly couldn't believe this was happening to me; I had always dreamed of this... being loved by two amazing guys. Both of my marriage and new relationship are going really well, I'm really blessed. I still haven't made it to the depressing thoughts on my mind, but I thought before I get to those... I needed to do a slight life update about the good stuff.
Anyway, the amazing, although scary, part of entering a new relationship with someone is meeting everyone special in their life. Since this is a local polyamorous relationship, I've met most of Lothar's friends and family. I've gotten along well with everyone, and I'm learning so many amazing things about life from these incredible people. Incredibly strong people, some with truly sad, heartbreaking stories...
So the pirate feast I mentioned earlier was thrown by a couple he knows from various reenactment groups throughout the years. I got to meet them briefly at the feast, but didn't really get to say a whole lot because it was a busy, boisterous event. I learned while at the event that only two weeks before the feast, the host's wife was diagnosed with a very aggressive form of stage four cancer. However at the time, the host and his wife had hoped that they had caught the cancer in its early stages. The feast became a fundraiser to sponsor his wife's treatment.
After the amazing feast, the host and his wife sponsored a monthly craft night to serve snacks and have their friends over to socialize. Everyone would bring whatever they were sewing or creating, or just come to socialize or tell stories. Lothar always invited me to this event, and it absolutely was the highlight of my entire week. Through these monthly craft nights, I got to socialize more with the pirate feast host and his wife. Unlike many social situations I encounter, I found both of them rather easy to talk to. We'd talk about everything from 3 Left Feet, to the evolution of dance through history, to the magic of Disney World... we always had intriguing conversations. They were always amazingly optimistic people, full of positivity and hope. They were always so inviting despite the hardships in her stage four battle against cancer.
Other than the Pirate Feast, which holds a special place in my heart, my favorite night together was the craft night we had together last June. The host's wife mentioned she was really in the mood for frozen yogurt and we all started talking about our favorite flavors. I mentioned that I love the really crazy flavors, my absolute favorite being Taro Root. The first time I had Taro was after a very grueling, unpleasant experience at my husband's family reunion, so I guess Taro has been my go to remedy during very difficult times. I told a story about a time I went to the frozen yogurt store after a difficult day at work, and I found the store had discontinued the Taro flavor. I know it's silly, but after a rough day I get kinda emotional, and I went home crying and miserable because a single bite of Taro was the only silver lining I had to a truly horrid day... it was such a let down. My husband saw me so down, he spent the next day calling every frozen yogurt store in Maryland until he finally found one that carried Taro. He surprised me a couple days later by taking me to get Taro, and I begged the yogurt place NEVER, EVER get rid of Taro and I promise I will be a loyal patron.
Anyway, after I told this story during craft night just to justify the healing power of frozen yogurt, the host went to get his wife, and a couple other people who put in an order, frozen yogurt. I declined placing an order because I didn't have any money at the time. When he had returned, he brought me back my own taro frozen yogurt. It really touched me because he didn't have to do that, and due to the rough week I was having at the time, I didn't really have the extra money to even spend on treating myself to this pick-me-up. They seriously did it for me out of the goodness of their heart. It was pure selfless generosity. They thought about me, they cared about me, they wanted to bring me happiness and asked for nothing in return. It just blew my mind. I realized in so many ways, these wonderful people constantly act so selflessly. They constantly open their home, throw these wonderful parties and gatherings... and share everything they have with everyone without a second thought. These people, who have barely known me six months, have cleaned out their basement and passed along dance manuals to me just because they were reminded of me... I think we had a conversation where they couldn't remember when I had started coming to craft nights, because in a way to them it feels like I have always been there... It's crazy, but in the short time I've known these people, they have truly changed my life.
Well, as the story sadly continues... the host's wife has been battling cancer with all her strength these last six months. Only a month ago at the June craft night, it seemed that the chemotherapy treatment had been yielding successful results. They were filled with hope, they started talking about buying her another bicycle because hers had gotten stolen, and they were planning for her next trip, and talking hopefully about transitioning her back to her job as a librarian because her students missed her so much.
This past weekend, the host and his wife received the results from the latest oncologist that the last CT scan showed things had worsened dramatically. Tumors invaded her liver and her routine of chemotherapy was no longer effective. They talked about stuffing more painful wires into her body, and she declined. All the dreams of riding her bike, traveling to new places, and returning back to work collided with the realism that her journey is over. Her husband moved her to hospice care today. The world is absolutely in mourning, it's all so surreal to everyone...
I've only known the host and his wife six months, but I am truly sad to have read this news today. I know I can't claim to have known them the longest, we were still getting to know each other, however I am sad cancer had robbed me of the chance to spend more craft nights, pirate feasts and events with her. I'm volunteering my time this week since I'm off work for the summer to help out however I can.
I stand back and a part of me just becomes so angry... about everything. I see this amazing, beautiful lady who carries a smile even in her darkest hours. I see all her strength to stay here with all the people who love and care about her... and everything in my life seems trivial.
In a non-suicidal way, my macabre nature has a tendency to bleed through, and sometimes I wonder, "What is the point of seeing life through?" I know this thought sounds rather morbid, and I absolutely swear I would never do anything to hurt myself because I love and am loved by so many amazing people in my life, but it's a thought that floats into my mind. Am I living my life for myself, or am I living my life for the people I love?
Let's face it... things are absolutely great right now, but what happens when things aren't? What happens as the years pass, if I'm lucky enough to make it through them, and I constantly see the people I love fading away? My parents are older, my mother is having health problems and my father is struggling with dimensia. My heart will break when they are no longer around, and they remind me constantly that their years are numbered... and all this unsettled, fucking family drama with my uncle, his shitbag spouse and my sister... God, I never imagined in my late 20s, these thoughts would be looming on the back burner of my life. What happens when I spend my final day with my husband, and I stand by his bedside knowing that he won't make it through another sunrise? Dying doesn't scare me, death is often not painful for the person dying... it's hardest for the ones left behind. So part of me is secretly, maybe even selfishly, praying I'm not the one left behind. I don't want to think about this, I want to continue living life, pretending it's not happening, pretending none of this is on the horizon... I'll never be ready for it.
I feel lost, aimless... I feel like I can't find my purpose right now. I'm realizing the things that give other people meaning and joy in life, do not sound rewarding to me. So where does that leave me in this charade? Everyone around me seem to be having kids, and the thought of having kids sounds absolutely horrifying to me. I love kids, I'm a teacher... but I've had some really negative experiences with raising Dorian. He's a really great kid, don't get me wrong... but seeing him go through so much pain all these years and ultimately seeing his mental disturbance get worse despite time, effort and money being invested to help him. It's hard to see the reward in that. No one ever has kids and thinks, "Yeah, I'm bringing a life into this world. I'm ready to accept that my kid may be successful... or that my kid may be a juvenile delinquent psychopath." Although optimism has its benefits, where is the realism? When we don't get what we want, would I ultimately able to cope with the disappointment and unconditional love required as a parent? Until I can say yes, beyond any doubt, I honestly don't ever want to have kids.
So, I don't know... this pending death of someone very beautiful and dear to me, is making me question so many things about my own life. However, amidst all these wavering thoughts, I have learned so much in her unfaltering strength. Smiling before beginning a new road, smiling in death's near embrace...Smiling...
So last I left off in January, things were going really well, and to be honest things are still rather wonderful out here in Maryland. In short, I love my job and will be working at the same place next school year. I've started to pursue artistic pursuits I've left behind long ago when things got chaotic. I sew more. I write more. I act more. I dance more. I exercise more. I create amazing things.
If you've been keeping up with me throughout these last eleven years of my life, you probably are aware I'm poly-friendly, and ever since high school, polyamory has made more sense to me than monogamy: http://queeneamidala13.livejournal.com/219556.html
So if you read or have read the entry I reference above, this has been my thought process my entire life. I mean, a lot of people transfer into the poly-mindset because their partner wants to pursue it, or life circumstances, or other situations. However, when I try to explain to people why polyamory is more comfortable and fulfilling to me than monogamy, I acquaint it to the same reason some people are homosexual, bisexual, or heterosexual... I feel like I was born with this mindset. I remember when I was in 6th grade, that my parents took me to see the musical, "Phantom of the Opera." I was mesmerized by the musical, and my first comment after it was over was, "Wasn't Christine so lucky? She not only had one guy who loved and cared about her, she had two!" I guess that was maybe a little of a stretch, considering the Phantom was more akin to a creepy stalker than a great lover... but the point is, even though Christine didn't love him romantically, throughout the musical she talks about how thankful she is to have had him care about her, teach her, watch over her. She cares about him, and ultimately at the end of the musical when he is a monster at his worst, she shows her compassion toward him and kisses him on the cheek. I've always been more attracted to these kind of stories. Once I broke free from the Catholic church, and the conditioning little girls receive from society to believe "there's one person for everyone," I was able to become free to truly discover and embrace who I am.
Biologically, this inclination could also be genetically based. For instance, my grandmother would date more than one guy at a time, and for awhile she even dated my step-grandfather while he was married to someone else. My biological grandfather was the same way. Once he left my grandmother, he was in multiple relationships with many women. Even while in relationships, he'd flirt with other people. When I first met him on his deathbed, he wasn't worried about dying. He was worried about getting his flirt on with all the nurses taking care of him.
Even though I've been poly-minded my whole life, I haven't really had any polyamorous relationships since high school. It's okay, just because I have this mindset doesn't mean I NEED to be in a relationship. I'm really picky especially now that I have an exorbitant amount of variables in my life.
So all of this is a long preface to say that for the last six months, I have been in my first serious polyamorous relationship. I have an amazing boyfriend. Remember the guy I described back in January?
On a social networking site, a really awesome Scadian saw my profile and contacted me because it seemed that we have a lot in common.. we have crossed paths by teaching at many of the same public demos within the last two years I've been here. He rows a Viking longship for fun...
I was at the point I had given up on trying to meet decent and pleasantly esoteric individuals to have as friends here, so I really wasn't even looking for a relationship. He has a primary partner but she travels a lot, and has been out of town for almost a year. I've talked to her though, and she is cool with the relationship. It was a pleasant surprise to me that Lothar reached out to me. We first went to a folk music festival together, then a week later he invited me over to cook a nice dinner, and we'd spend many hours talking and laughing together. We hung out many times after that. He was born and raised here, and a history teacher... meanwhile, I'm new here and want to explore everything. So when we tour the local sites, I have my own private tour guide. At the beginning of February, we went to a pirate feast and waltzed the whole night away. The next day while walking around the Inner Harbor, he told me that he had fallen in love with me and asked if he could be my boyfriend.
I honestly couldn't believe this was happening to me; I had always dreamed of this... being loved by two amazing guys. Both of my marriage and new relationship are going really well, I'm really blessed. I still haven't made it to the depressing thoughts on my mind, but I thought before I get to those... I needed to do a slight life update about the good stuff.
Anyway, the amazing, although scary, part of entering a new relationship with someone is meeting everyone special in their life. Since this is a local polyamorous relationship, I've met most of Lothar's friends and family. I've gotten along well with everyone, and I'm learning so many amazing things about life from these incredible people. Incredibly strong people, some with truly sad, heartbreaking stories...
So the pirate feast I mentioned earlier was thrown by a couple he knows from various reenactment groups throughout the years. I got to meet them briefly at the feast, but didn't really get to say a whole lot because it was a busy, boisterous event. I learned while at the event that only two weeks before the feast, the host's wife was diagnosed with a very aggressive form of stage four cancer. However at the time, the host and his wife had hoped that they had caught the cancer in its early stages. The feast became a fundraiser to sponsor his wife's treatment.
After the amazing feast, the host and his wife sponsored a monthly craft night to serve snacks and have their friends over to socialize. Everyone would bring whatever they were sewing or creating, or just come to socialize or tell stories. Lothar always invited me to this event, and it absolutely was the highlight of my entire week. Through these monthly craft nights, I got to socialize more with the pirate feast host and his wife. Unlike many social situations I encounter, I found both of them rather easy to talk to. We'd talk about everything from 3 Left Feet, to the evolution of dance through history, to the magic of Disney World... we always had intriguing conversations. They were always amazingly optimistic people, full of positivity and hope. They were always so inviting despite the hardships in her stage four battle against cancer.
Other than the Pirate Feast, which holds a special place in my heart, my favorite night together was the craft night we had together last June. The host's wife mentioned she was really in the mood for frozen yogurt and we all started talking about our favorite flavors. I mentioned that I love the really crazy flavors, my absolute favorite being Taro Root. The first time I had Taro was after a very grueling, unpleasant experience at my husband's family reunion, so I guess Taro has been my go to remedy during very difficult times. I told a story about a time I went to the frozen yogurt store after a difficult day at work, and I found the store had discontinued the Taro flavor. I know it's silly, but after a rough day I get kinda emotional, and I went home crying and miserable because a single bite of Taro was the only silver lining I had to a truly horrid day... it was such a let down. My husband saw me so down, he spent the next day calling every frozen yogurt store in Maryland until he finally found one that carried Taro. He surprised me a couple days later by taking me to get Taro, and I begged the yogurt place NEVER, EVER get rid of Taro and I promise I will be a loyal patron.
Anyway, after I told this story during craft night just to justify the healing power of frozen yogurt, the host went to get his wife, and a couple other people who put in an order, frozen yogurt. I declined placing an order because I didn't have any money at the time. When he had returned, he brought me back my own taro frozen yogurt. It really touched me because he didn't have to do that, and due to the rough week I was having at the time, I didn't really have the extra money to even spend on treating myself to this pick-me-up. They seriously did it for me out of the goodness of their heart. It was pure selfless generosity. They thought about me, they cared about me, they wanted to bring me happiness and asked for nothing in return. It just blew my mind. I realized in so many ways, these wonderful people constantly act so selflessly. They constantly open their home, throw these wonderful parties and gatherings... and share everything they have with everyone without a second thought. These people, who have barely known me six months, have cleaned out their basement and passed along dance manuals to me just because they were reminded of me... I think we had a conversation where they couldn't remember when I had started coming to craft nights, because in a way to them it feels like I have always been there... It's crazy, but in the short time I've known these people, they have truly changed my life.
Well, as the story sadly continues... the host's wife has been battling cancer with all her strength these last six months. Only a month ago at the June craft night, it seemed that the chemotherapy treatment had been yielding successful results. They were filled with hope, they started talking about buying her another bicycle because hers had gotten stolen, and they were planning for her next trip, and talking hopefully about transitioning her back to her job as a librarian because her students missed her so much.
This past weekend, the host and his wife received the results from the latest oncologist that the last CT scan showed things had worsened dramatically. Tumors invaded her liver and her routine of chemotherapy was no longer effective. They talked about stuffing more painful wires into her body, and she declined. All the dreams of riding her bike, traveling to new places, and returning back to work collided with the realism that her journey is over. Her husband moved her to hospice care today. The world is absolutely in mourning, it's all so surreal to everyone...
I've only known the host and his wife six months, but I am truly sad to have read this news today. I know I can't claim to have known them the longest, we were still getting to know each other, however I am sad cancer had robbed me of the chance to spend more craft nights, pirate feasts and events with her. I'm volunteering my time this week since I'm off work for the summer to help out however I can.
I stand back and a part of me just becomes so angry... about everything. I see this amazing, beautiful lady who carries a smile even in her darkest hours. I see all her strength to stay here with all the people who love and care about her... and everything in my life seems trivial.
In a non-suicidal way, my macabre nature has a tendency to bleed through, and sometimes I wonder, "What is the point of seeing life through?" I know this thought sounds rather morbid, and I absolutely swear I would never do anything to hurt myself because I love and am loved by so many amazing people in my life, but it's a thought that floats into my mind. Am I living my life for myself, or am I living my life for the people I love?
Let's face it... things are absolutely great right now, but what happens when things aren't? What happens as the years pass, if I'm lucky enough to make it through them, and I constantly see the people I love fading away? My parents are older, my mother is having health problems and my father is struggling with dimensia. My heart will break when they are no longer around, and they remind me constantly that their years are numbered... and all this unsettled, fucking family drama with my uncle, his shitbag spouse and my sister... God, I never imagined in my late 20s, these thoughts would be looming on the back burner of my life. What happens when I spend my final day with my husband, and I stand by his bedside knowing that he won't make it through another sunrise? Dying doesn't scare me, death is often not painful for the person dying... it's hardest for the ones left behind. So part of me is secretly, maybe even selfishly, praying I'm not the one left behind. I don't want to think about this, I want to continue living life, pretending it's not happening, pretending none of this is on the horizon... I'll never be ready for it.
I feel lost, aimless... I feel like I can't find my purpose right now. I'm realizing the things that give other people meaning and joy in life, do not sound rewarding to me. So where does that leave me in this charade? Everyone around me seem to be having kids, and the thought of having kids sounds absolutely horrifying to me. I love kids, I'm a teacher... but I've had some really negative experiences with raising Dorian. He's a really great kid, don't get me wrong... but seeing him go through so much pain all these years and ultimately seeing his mental disturbance get worse despite time, effort and money being invested to help him. It's hard to see the reward in that. No one ever has kids and thinks, "Yeah, I'm bringing a life into this world. I'm ready to accept that my kid may be successful... or that my kid may be a juvenile delinquent psychopath." Although optimism has its benefits, where is the realism? When we don't get what we want, would I ultimately able to cope with the disappointment and unconditional love required as a parent? Until I can say yes, beyond any doubt, I honestly don't ever want to have kids.
So, I don't know... this pending death of someone very beautiful and dear to me, is making me question so many things about my own life. However, amidst all these wavering thoughts, I have learned so much in her unfaltering strength. Smiling before beginning a new road, smiling in death's near embrace...Smiling...