June: The Darkest Month...
Well it's time to dust off the pages of this Livejournal once more. I've been wanting to write for awhile, but I've felt so confined by an unbalanced life. If I wasn't drowning in college work, I was charting through the daily storms of my work inferno. If I wasn't mentally fatigued by either of those obligations, I just felt so utterly lost I did whatever I could to escape... even if it threw off the balance of my life even more. It was hard for me to justify writing in here when the computer has become my ball an chain; a constant reminder of the immense and incessant academic and work tasks at hand.
This is probably the most vulgar, angry entry I've ever written. That is why it is under an "explicit" cut. I apologize, but I really need to get all of this out so I can move on. My life has been a mess.
I can say without a doubt June was the darkest month of my life. There were a couple bright moments. June brought much liberation as I finally became released from the indentured servitude I've been enduring at my job since December. At 2:37 PM on June 14th, I dashed out of the building as quickly as I could. During that moment, I felt like I had reached the final scene of a movie. I took my few belongings and rushed down the hall as everyone waved good-bye. I had finally reached the end of this grueling, miserable journey. I'm done and I'm never looking back.
I am relieved to say that I also have a new job for the next school year. I feel like the job picked me, so maybe it will work out this time. I had applied for a different job but the human resource personnel considered my resume for a newly created posting not present on the website. My resume was forwarded to the educational director and it was an amazing interview. The director had already read my resume ahead of time and was impressed by my strengths as both a behaviorist and a teacher. He also was rather impressed by my professional porfolio. He told me I probably would not hear from him for a couple of weeks because I was the first person he had interviewed for this position. To my surprise, he called me the next day inviting me in for a second interview. I had the opportunity to meet the curriculum director and the co-teacher for the facility. I really enjoyed talking with both ladies, they seemed really creative and open to new ideas. I guess they felt the same way because the very next day I received a job offer from the human resource director. I'm excited because this job is back in the non-public school sector. Instead of having 40 students in a classroom, I will have 10 students! I liked working with smaller class sizes and feel it better captures the heart of individualization, which is the core of effective special education practices. Also, this new job is only 18 minutes from where I live! It's a little bit of a cut in pay and benefits, however I seriously do not care. I would literally do anything just to be happy at a job again.
However the rest of June was completely miserable. I never want to relieve any of it.
Like a survivor from an abusive relationship, I struggled emotionally with the end of my job. I actually just had a nightmare about the abuse I endured in the workplace yesterday. I spent far too much time there.... I WANT THE NIGHTMARES TO GO AWAY! In June, I struggled to the point it really put me out of balance with my college work throughout May and June. All of the sudden I saw the end in sight and reality hit me like a pile of bricks. I had a 40 page paper due in a class and I totally felt ill-equipped to tackle it as I waded through this depression. So this wave of events made me feel like I was hopelessly drifting nowhere. I really didn't know what to do.
June 16th I had to travel back to PA to drop Dorian off at a summer camp by my childhood abode. I decided to drop him off and hang out with my family and a couple friends before heading back to Maryland.
It's a long story, but due to my depression related to college, I didn't feel like tackling the four hour drive until the early hours of the morning on June 16. I arrived at my mother's house and instantly fell asleep around 4 AM.
She woke me up around 11:30 AM to tell me even though she was heading to work at 2:00 PM, she was throwing a luncheon for Father's Day. My uncle had asked her the previous Friday to hold an event and he planned to invite his father / her step-father over for lunch. Even though his step-father was not able to make it due to back problems, my mom still planned the lunch because she had already prepared the food. Leave it to my mother to be crazy enough to take on this endeavor in the sparse time before heading to work.
However, I really just couldn't handle hearing this. For awhile, things have really been tumultuous at these family gatherings. I have wanted to write a letter expressing my concerns for a while, but I constantly put it on the back burner due to my college work. My family on my mother's side is fairly small as it is. Since my step-grandmother passed away last December, it's been my mother, father, uncle, his boyfriend Lee, my step-grandfather, and Debbie.
Although I do make a full-hearted effort to get along with everyone, for some reason unbeknownst to me, Lee absolutely hates me. I've been polite, nice and as the most liberal one in my family, I was the first one to really welcome and accept him in the family. There are some reasons I can theorize Lee's complete hatred of me. Lee is unrefined, crude, and absolutely prejudiced against anyone who has had success at obtaining a formalized education. The fact that I have my master's degree and I'm working on my doctorate offends him when my uncle brings it up in casual conversation. Lee has even been offended when my uncle has asked about my job, and well... I have been an emotional wreck about that lately. However, Lee screamed at me one time and told me to "quit being so emotional about it." Easy enough for someone who doesn't even WORK! I have my biases too... I think Lee is a lazy gold-digger. He claims to have all these skills as a mason but just sits at my uncle's house leeching off of my uncle's executive success. I personally don't think he has the work ethic or social skills to work with others in a collaborative work environment. He can't get along with any of my uncle's friends or neighbors. Together they have become two complete social outcasts. They blame it on being "gay," but in all reality it is just because Lee is a complete asshole. Lastly, we both have really strong personalities. My sister, mother, father, uncle could sit back, have someone abuse them or walk all over them, and never say a word. That just doesn't happen with me, I speak my mind concisely within this social hierarchy. So in a way, I have always been a threat to Lee. [sarcasm] My intelligent mind may bring some facts to light that others may not have the gumption to express [/sarcasm].
Anyway, when my mother told me about the pending visit, I could not hide my contempt. I felt as if I had fallen into a snare. I told her I wanted to leave, I asked her if I could just drive away and return upon their departure. I threw social graces out the window and wanted to escape.
I was an idiot, I stayed against my best wishes. I listened to the lies of "Oh, they are just going to eat and leave. This won't be too bad." Ugh. I felt like the moth drawn unto the flame.
I just stood there. I did not speak unless I was spoken to. I strategically placed myself in rooms away from Lee. I casually spoke to my uncle only when addressed. However, I couldn't fool my mother. Despite my pleasantries, she was able to see beyond the facade of my strained social interactions.
She blurted out almost in tears, "Give your uncle a hug."
An enormous sigh bellowed in the air as I reluctantly obliged her request. My uncle knew something was weird and asked, "What is this all about?"
I shook my head. I said, "Please, it's nothing. Mom..."
This hug... my burst tears... this simple conversation was the beginning of the end. If I could have finished my sentence, I would have pleaded for my mother to stay silent. I knew that I did not have the emotional stability to deal with this situation. In that moment I realized that I was no longer representing myself, I had also became an advocate for her unspoken feelings.
She told my uncle that I didn't feel like he loved me anymore. Although a little extreme, it bordered the truth. My uncle is in a completely co-dependent relationship. Sans work, he cannot leave the house without Lee. They are attached at the hip, which means even though Lee has shown apparent signs that he hates attending family gatherings, he still accompanies my uncle. So one time when I saw Lee getting squirmy, checking his watch, and circling the house while on his cell phone I said, "You know, if you don't want to be here, or have somewhere else to go, why don't you just leave? Just because you are in a relationship, doesn't mean you two have to be everywhere together at the same time. "
Although I rightfully attest to the general consensus that this is a pretty harsh statement, my mind has a tendency to think rather differently. I did not initially intend it to be offensive. I just fundamentally believe people should have the freedom to do what makes them feel comfortable. I honestly thought I was delivering the "get out of jail free card," to him in this situation. For instance, I really do not like my in-laws. If someone from my husband's family told me, "Hey, you really don't have to visit with us. We just want to socialize with your husband. Go enjoy your holidays with your family, it won't offend us," I would feel relieved. You mean I don't have to pretend to socialize with people who think I'm evil and make me feel uncomfortable in almost every conversation? Yay! Thank you for granting me the gift of freedom. Although my husband and my family have a more civil relationship than I do with my in-laws, I often visit my family alone to do something my husband might not enjoy. It just doesn't seem to be a big deal to me.
My uncle responded that he still loved me. He did find my statement from the previous gathering to be a little harsh, but he said knew I didn't intend it to be. He told me that having a relationship is pretty new to him, he spent 45 years in the closet, so he genuinely appreciated my feedback while he still works out the kinks of being in his first relationship. Ok, that is completely understandable.
I then told him I felt like because he is in a co-dependent relationship since Lee obviously hates me and Lee drives the relationship, then my uncle needs to hate me too. My uncle disagreed with this, he told me even though they in a relationship, they have their own views. I'm freaking confused because all I've heard lately at family gatherings was, "We are a package deal. What one of us thinks, the other person thinks..." I wasn't really buying this sudden change of heart induced by my breakdown.
So I finally addressed the core issues with Lee's presence at social gatherings. The behaviorist in me came out, where I just outline characteristics I've noticed. I told my uncle I've felt terse by his conversations. For instance, I had asked about the cats at the house (which Lee is obsessed with) and he told me they were, "Fine." Then he ignored me any time I asked for more details. He obviously didn't even want to pretend to have civil conversations with me. I also told him that I've seen him look at his watch incessantly when we are having a relaxing dinner together. He constantly says, "no" when we further want to spend time playing games as a family. I've noticed he has trouble reading the cards and games seem to make him feel uncomfortable. So I explained these behaviors provoked me to make the statement at our last gathering. These points all seemed to be met with logic and my uncle addressed that he felt my points had some merit. He then told me, "Well, I can't speak for Lee. So let's all sit down and talk about it."
TALK ABOUT IT?! He really thought Lee and I could talk about this.... I begged him no, over and over again. However, I was constantly pushed into this uncomfortable situation. I realize now, looking back on this painful situation, my uncle had pushed me into becoming an advocate for his voice. Instead of taking Lee home, telling him about the points I had brought up, I once again had to become the one to speak up. I do feel bad for my mother and my uncle, they both were raised in a really abusive household. After years of verbal and physical abuse, they simply had no voice.
So we sat in the living room. My uncle rephrased my points I had stated earlier in the kitchen. I politely added some details to the points, such as I realize Lee doesn't get along with any of his family members therefore maybe he simply didn't understand we are a close family and enjoy playing games, socializing and hanging out.
Lee lost control as my uncle and I highlighted some points. All of a sudden, Lee buckled under the pressure. He screamed at me, "Why do you have to be such an emotional bitch. You need to grow up!"
This statement hit a nerve in my emotionally charged brain. Grow up? I need to grow up? I'm a 28 year old woman, I am not a little kid. Grow up? I have two degrees, I have a career, I am living independently and successfully. I am not just a spoiled leech, like the perpetrator of these fictitious statements.
I stood up for myself. I stood for everything that I am. I defended my effort, hard work and success. My question to him was, "What do you have to show for yourself? You sit on a farm and have someone else provide for your lazy ass? You're 46 and have nothing to show for your wasted existence!"
I guess I really hit a nerve. I highlighted all his insecurities for the world to see. He felt hopeless as he grasped for straws. The situation turned abusive. Emotionally and physically abusive. He was in my face so closely, I turned away he grabbed my wrist. Lee attacked me with a unparalleled display of vulgarity, verbal threats to attack myself and my husband (who didn't even come on this trip with me), his unreasonable tone of voice, physical proximity, and his inability to have a civilized, on-topic conversation. He called me a whore, slut, bitch, brat, cunt.
I did not yell back, I kept questioning, "Why are you screaming at me? Why are you talking to me like this? It is you who cannot calm down and have a civilized conversation." Most of the things he called me like, "weird, messed up in the head..." I just sat back and agreed with him. I definitely am and always will be. I think that is why he progressed to calling me a slut, whore and attacking my alternative lifestyle which the creeper must have somehow discovered. Yes, this hits a nerve. I will not tolerate being verbally defiled in this manner. EVER.
I have never, ever had anyone speak to me in such a manner before. This is truly abnormal behavior for a healthy-minded person. I've gotten pretty angry at some people however, I have never spoken to another human being this way. I felt completely violated. It troubled me most that he seemed to be vindicated that he treated me this way…like I deserved it. It is absolutely not ok. NO HUMAN BEING EVER DESERVES TO BE SPOKEN TO IN THAT MANNER FOR ANY REASON. EVER.
However during this situation, the part that broke my heart the most, was that no one came to my side. My uncle, my father, my mother just sat back like this was a circus act of freaks. I just am struggling, still, with the fact that this guy was right in my face and no one stepped in or shoved him away. I wanted to do that myself but I really didn't want things to get physical.
My uncle blamed me for his boyfriend's behavior and did not stop this jerk. He left me saying, "See, this is what you deserve. How could you act like this? Where did this all come from?"
I've talked with a lot of people about this disheartening situation. I just feel so broken and betrayed by all of this. I wasn't the one who started the match. I didn't even WANT to participate. Yet here I am, the one who exits emotionally scathed. A friend of mine mentioned to me it seems like my uncle is not ready to really acknowledge his boyfriend's part in this incident. It would then seriously change his relationship and his perception of the man that he loves. He would have to deal with it. Who wants to realize they are in love with an asshole? He would have to possibly end the relationship and he just isn't ready for that. So he's transferring it all to me. He thinks I am stable, that I will always be here.
I won't. This travesty will be forgiven but not forgotten. I wrote my final letter.
Dear Uncle B,
I don’t even know where to begin. I wanted to write an objective letter a while ago to address my concerns. You can’t yell at a letter. You can’t swear at a letter. You can’t emotionally abuse a letter. A letter seemed like the most productive way to communicate to both of you. Although an important priority, I haven’t been able to focus on this due to school work. However, my mother made the choice to initiate a conversation last Sunday. I do not fault her; her heart was in the right place. She had her issues too and wanted me to be the advocate for both of us because I am strong. However, despite my unwillingness to participate in all this, I did. It is absurd all of us had these problems and they have gone unspoken thus far.
However, despite the fact that Lee’s behavior was absolutely unacceptable, you just stood back and watched. Furthermore, you even refused to talk afterward, you refused to stay… You just watched him call me profane and inappropriate names watched him threaten my life and did absolutely nothing. My husband mentioned to me that you supported Lee’s behavior that afternoon. You left with him and never looked back. You never once corrected him and stopped the situation.
Earlier when my mother, you and I were in the kitchen, you told me that you loved me. You told me that you always would, and that your love for me would never change despite any changes in your life. We have had a special, amazing bond these 28 years of my life. You have always been there for me, always there to give me great advice, always there to comfort me. I am so thankful for all the ways you have inspired me and helped me become the amazing person I am today. So when you spoke to me before the fight, I truly believed you still loved me and valued having me in as a niece.
However, your actions that afternoon dictated otherwise. When Lee was yelling, swearing, and threatening me, you did nothing. You walked away. You did not show that you loved, or even cared for me, because you took absolutely no action to stop this emotionally abusive exchange by your boyfriend. I know you have a conscience; stopping Lee’s behavior was ethically the right thing to do. I truly think if a stranger had acted this way to me, your niece that you have loved these 28 years, you would stop this cruel treatment. However, because you are in a relationship, it has clouded your once compassionate and logical heart. However, I am still bewildered you could condone such verbally abusive behavior.
I am brokenhearted and my family is absolutely disgusted by this incident. No one ever wants to see Lee again. He did not just attack me; by attacking me… he attacked them. My father was in tears this Father’s Day, my mother was absolutely shocked. Lee held no regard for anyone else within the house as he expressed his own selfish, out of control insecurities and emotions. Likewise after hearing about the incident, my sister never wants Lee to visit in Alaska because she does not want to risk being subjected to verbally abusive behavior. My mother loves me, and Lee’s inappropriate language and attack on me has hurt her too. This is an absolutely disgraceful way to thank my mother, who worked hard to prepare a nice Father’s Day meal for everyone because you asked her to on Friday. She did this even though she had to work that afternoon. We are your family, we love you. We have always been here to support you and have an amazing legacy together as a family all these years. Since you are aware of Lee’s family situation, can you see how rare, amazing and special it is that we all have this amazing bond?
When you first started making renovations on the farmhouse, you said one reason you were excited to take on this endeavor was so that you could invite your family over. So we could all sit, talk, and enjoy the time together in a nice space. We’ve had many amazing memories at the farm house; from bonfires, to Halloween parties, and even a couple Christmas gatherings. Now, Lee is dictating that I, am member of your family, is not allowed over. So my question to you is, why remodel the house when, if I am not allowed over, no one else will ever come over? Sure, you’ll have a nice space but what sense is having this space if you can’t share it with all of the people you love? A house is just a material object; a home is a place where you create happy memories by sharing it with your friends and family. If you truly love all of us, why does it not matter to you that Lee wants to exclude you from sharing this house with the people you love? Likewise, you also remained silent when Lee made these selfish choices without consulting you. I know Lee does not get along with his family, and I truly feel sad for him. I feel sad for him that perhaps he has never experienced what we all have together. However, just because he, for whatever reason, disregards his family, there is absolutely no reason you should feel you need to do the same.
In conclusion, your silent, non-responsive actions have shown me that you feel Lee’s behavior toward me was a punishment I truly deserved to endure. Although my family and I see the situation differently, I don’t care. I truly love you so much; I will willingly become the scapegoat for Lee’s verbal abuse and insecurities that day. I am emotionally mature enough to take responsibility that I deserved to be subjected to this emotional abuse if it proves to you how much I love you. I would endure anything for you. However, I cannot do this again. We are all at an impasse. I am an amazing person, achieving many great things in this world. I have a lot of people who care, support, and love me. If you are making the choice to remove yourself from my life because your boyfriend hates me, you are the one missing out. Things will never be the same again. In the meantime, I am deactivating my Facebook so I am no longer blamed for things I do not do. I am so sorry. Please know my love for you is endless; I wish you both the best.
In the past we have had arguments but time always paved the way for reconciliation. It's not the case this time. I decided to transition into a new, even more independent life. This abandonment hurts beyond words, things will never be the same again. I transferred myself off the family cell phone plan and have changed numbers so they can no longer contact me. I am the nothing that I am, that I always was... I owe my uncle nothing, he is dead to me.
This is probably the most vulgar, angry entry I've ever written. That is why it is under an "explicit" cut. I apologize, but I really need to get all of this out so I can move on. My life has been a mess.
I can say without a doubt June was the darkest month of my life. There were a couple bright moments. June brought much liberation as I finally became released from the indentured servitude I've been enduring at my job since December. At 2:37 PM on June 14th, I dashed out of the building as quickly as I could. During that moment, I felt like I had reached the final scene of a movie. I took my few belongings and rushed down the hall as everyone waved good-bye. I had finally reached the end of this grueling, miserable journey. I'm done and I'm never looking back.
I am relieved to say that I also have a new job for the next school year. I feel like the job picked me, so maybe it will work out this time. I had applied for a different job but the human resource personnel considered my resume for a newly created posting not present on the website. My resume was forwarded to the educational director and it was an amazing interview. The director had already read my resume ahead of time and was impressed by my strengths as both a behaviorist and a teacher. He also was rather impressed by my professional porfolio. He told me I probably would not hear from him for a couple of weeks because I was the first person he had interviewed for this position. To my surprise, he called me the next day inviting me in for a second interview. I had the opportunity to meet the curriculum director and the co-teacher for the facility. I really enjoyed talking with both ladies, they seemed really creative and open to new ideas. I guess they felt the same way because the very next day I received a job offer from the human resource director. I'm excited because this job is back in the non-public school sector. Instead of having 40 students in a classroom, I will have 10 students! I liked working with smaller class sizes and feel it better captures the heart of individualization, which is the core of effective special education practices. Also, this new job is only 18 minutes from where I live! It's a little bit of a cut in pay and benefits, however I seriously do not care. I would literally do anything just to be happy at a job again.
However the rest of June was completely miserable. I never want to relieve any of it.
Like a survivor from an abusive relationship, I struggled emotionally with the end of my job. I actually just had a nightmare about the abuse I endured in the workplace yesterday. I spent far too much time there.... I WANT THE NIGHTMARES TO GO AWAY! In June, I struggled to the point it really put me out of balance with my college work throughout May and June. All of the sudden I saw the end in sight and reality hit me like a pile of bricks. I had a 40 page paper due in a class and I totally felt ill-equipped to tackle it as I waded through this depression. So this wave of events made me feel like I was hopelessly drifting nowhere. I really didn't know what to do.
June 16th I had to travel back to PA to drop Dorian off at a summer camp by my childhood abode. I decided to drop him off and hang out with my family and a couple friends before heading back to Maryland.
It's a long story, but due to my depression related to college, I didn't feel like tackling the four hour drive until the early hours of the morning on June 16. I arrived at my mother's house and instantly fell asleep around 4 AM.
She woke me up around 11:30 AM to tell me even though she was heading to work at 2:00 PM, she was throwing a luncheon for Father's Day. My uncle had asked her the previous Friday to hold an event and he planned to invite his father / her step-father over for lunch. Even though his step-father was not able to make it due to back problems, my mom still planned the lunch because she had already prepared the food. Leave it to my mother to be crazy enough to take on this endeavor in the sparse time before heading to work.
However, I really just couldn't handle hearing this. For awhile, things have really been tumultuous at these family gatherings. I have wanted to write a letter expressing my concerns for a while, but I constantly put it on the back burner due to my college work. My family on my mother's side is fairly small as it is. Since my step-grandmother passed away last December, it's been my mother, father, uncle, his boyfriend Lee, my step-grandfather, and Debbie.
Although I do make a full-hearted effort to get along with everyone, for some reason unbeknownst to me, Lee absolutely hates me. I've been polite, nice and as the most liberal one in my family, I was the first one to really welcome and accept him in the family. There are some reasons I can theorize Lee's complete hatred of me. Lee is unrefined, crude, and absolutely prejudiced against anyone who has had success at obtaining a formalized education. The fact that I have my master's degree and I'm working on my doctorate offends him when my uncle brings it up in casual conversation. Lee has even been offended when my uncle has asked about my job, and well... I have been an emotional wreck about that lately. However, Lee screamed at me one time and told me to "quit being so emotional about it." Easy enough for someone who doesn't even WORK! I have my biases too... I think Lee is a lazy gold-digger. He claims to have all these skills as a mason but just sits at my uncle's house leeching off of my uncle's executive success. I personally don't think he has the work ethic or social skills to work with others in a collaborative work environment. He can't get along with any of my uncle's friends or neighbors. Together they have become two complete social outcasts. They blame it on being "gay," but in all reality it is just because Lee is a complete asshole. Lastly, we both have really strong personalities. My sister, mother, father, uncle could sit back, have someone abuse them or walk all over them, and never say a word. That just doesn't happen with me, I speak my mind concisely within this social hierarchy. So in a way, I have always been a threat to Lee. [sarcasm] My intelligent mind may bring some facts to light that others may not have the gumption to express [/sarcasm].
Anyway, when my mother told me about the pending visit, I could not hide my contempt. I felt as if I had fallen into a snare. I told her I wanted to leave, I asked her if I could just drive away and return upon their departure. I threw social graces out the window and wanted to escape.
I was an idiot, I stayed against my best wishes. I listened to the lies of "Oh, they are just going to eat and leave. This won't be too bad." Ugh. I felt like the moth drawn unto the flame.
I just stood there. I did not speak unless I was spoken to. I strategically placed myself in rooms away from Lee. I casually spoke to my uncle only when addressed. However, I couldn't fool my mother. Despite my pleasantries, she was able to see beyond the facade of my strained social interactions.
She blurted out almost in tears, "Give your uncle a hug."
An enormous sigh bellowed in the air as I reluctantly obliged her request. My uncle knew something was weird and asked, "What is this all about?"
I shook my head. I said, "Please, it's nothing. Mom..."
This hug... my burst tears... this simple conversation was the beginning of the end. If I could have finished my sentence, I would have pleaded for my mother to stay silent. I knew that I did not have the emotional stability to deal with this situation. In that moment I realized that I was no longer representing myself, I had also became an advocate for her unspoken feelings.
She told my uncle that I didn't feel like he loved me anymore. Although a little extreme, it bordered the truth. My uncle is in a completely co-dependent relationship. Sans work, he cannot leave the house without Lee. They are attached at the hip, which means even though Lee has shown apparent signs that he hates attending family gatherings, he still accompanies my uncle. So one time when I saw Lee getting squirmy, checking his watch, and circling the house while on his cell phone I said, "You know, if you don't want to be here, or have somewhere else to go, why don't you just leave? Just because you are in a relationship, doesn't mean you two have to be everywhere together at the same time. "
Although I rightfully attest to the general consensus that this is a pretty harsh statement, my mind has a tendency to think rather differently. I did not initially intend it to be offensive. I just fundamentally believe people should have the freedom to do what makes them feel comfortable. I honestly thought I was delivering the "get out of jail free card," to him in this situation. For instance, I really do not like my in-laws. If someone from my husband's family told me, "Hey, you really don't have to visit with us. We just want to socialize with your husband. Go enjoy your holidays with your family, it won't offend us," I would feel relieved. You mean I don't have to pretend to socialize with people who think I'm evil and make me feel uncomfortable in almost every conversation? Yay! Thank you for granting me the gift of freedom. Although my husband and my family have a more civil relationship than I do with my in-laws, I often visit my family alone to do something my husband might not enjoy. It just doesn't seem to be a big deal to me.
My uncle responded that he still loved me. He did find my statement from the previous gathering to be a little harsh, but he said knew I didn't intend it to be. He told me that having a relationship is pretty new to him, he spent 45 years in the closet, so he genuinely appreciated my feedback while he still works out the kinks of being in his first relationship. Ok, that is completely understandable.
I then told him I felt like because he is in a co-dependent relationship since Lee obviously hates me and Lee drives the relationship, then my uncle needs to hate me too. My uncle disagreed with this, he told me even though they in a relationship, they have their own views. I'm freaking confused because all I've heard lately at family gatherings was, "We are a package deal. What one of us thinks, the other person thinks..." I wasn't really buying this sudden change of heart induced by my breakdown.
So I finally addressed the core issues with Lee's presence at social gatherings. The behaviorist in me came out, where I just outline characteristics I've noticed. I told my uncle I've felt terse by his conversations. For instance, I had asked about the cats at the house (which Lee is obsessed with) and he told me they were, "Fine." Then he ignored me any time I asked for more details. He obviously didn't even want to pretend to have civil conversations with me. I also told him that I've seen him look at his watch incessantly when we are having a relaxing dinner together. He constantly says, "no" when we further want to spend time playing games as a family. I've noticed he has trouble reading the cards and games seem to make him feel uncomfortable. So I explained these behaviors provoked me to make the statement at our last gathering. These points all seemed to be met with logic and my uncle addressed that he felt my points had some merit. He then told me, "Well, I can't speak for Lee. So let's all sit down and talk about it."
TALK ABOUT IT?! He really thought Lee and I could talk about this.... I begged him no, over and over again. However, I was constantly pushed into this uncomfortable situation. I realize now, looking back on this painful situation, my uncle had pushed me into becoming an advocate for his voice. Instead of taking Lee home, telling him about the points I had brought up, I once again had to become the one to speak up. I do feel bad for my mother and my uncle, they both were raised in a really abusive household. After years of verbal and physical abuse, they simply had no voice.
So we sat in the living room. My uncle rephrased my points I had stated earlier in the kitchen. I politely added some details to the points, such as I realize Lee doesn't get along with any of his family members therefore maybe he simply didn't understand we are a close family and enjoy playing games, socializing and hanging out.
Lee lost control as my uncle and I highlighted some points. All of a sudden, Lee buckled under the pressure. He screamed at me, "Why do you have to be such an emotional bitch. You need to grow up!"
This statement hit a nerve in my emotionally charged brain. Grow up? I need to grow up? I'm a 28 year old woman, I am not a little kid. Grow up? I have two degrees, I have a career, I am living independently and successfully. I am not just a spoiled leech, like the perpetrator of these fictitious statements.
I stood up for myself. I stood for everything that I am. I defended my effort, hard work and success. My question to him was, "What do you have to show for yourself? You sit on a farm and have someone else provide for your lazy ass? You're 46 and have nothing to show for your wasted existence!"
I guess I really hit a nerve. I highlighted all his insecurities for the world to see. He felt hopeless as he grasped for straws. The situation turned abusive. Emotionally and physically abusive. He was in my face so closely, I turned away he grabbed my wrist. Lee attacked me with a unparalleled display of vulgarity, verbal threats to attack myself and my husband (who didn't even come on this trip with me), his unreasonable tone of voice, physical proximity, and his inability to have a civilized, on-topic conversation. He called me a whore, slut, bitch, brat, cunt.
I did not yell back, I kept questioning, "Why are you screaming at me? Why are you talking to me like this? It is you who cannot calm down and have a civilized conversation." Most of the things he called me like, "weird, messed up in the head..." I just sat back and agreed with him. I definitely am and always will be. I think that is why he progressed to calling me a slut, whore and attacking my alternative lifestyle which the creeper must have somehow discovered. Yes, this hits a nerve. I will not tolerate being verbally defiled in this manner. EVER.
I have never, ever had anyone speak to me in such a manner before. This is truly abnormal behavior for a healthy-minded person. I've gotten pretty angry at some people however, I have never spoken to another human being this way. I felt completely violated. It troubled me most that he seemed to be vindicated that he treated me this way…like I deserved it. It is absolutely not ok. NO HUMAN BEING EVER DESERVES TO BE SPOKEN TO IN THAT MANNER FOR ANY REASON. EVER.
However during this situation, the part that broke my heart the most, was that no one came to my side. My uncle, my father, my mother just sat back like this was a circus act of freaks. I just am struggling, still, with the fact that this guy was right in my face and no one stepped in or shoved him away. I wanted to do that myself but I really didn't want things to get physical.
My uncle blamed me for his boyfriend's behavior and did not stop this jerk. He left me saying, "See, this is what you deserve. How could you act like this? Where did this all come from?"
I've talked with a lot of people about this disheartening situation. I just feel so broken and betrayed by all of this. I wasn't the one who started the match. I didn't even WANT to participate. Yet here I am, the one who exits emotionally scathed. A friend of mine mentioned to me it seems like my uncle is not ready to really acknowledge his boyfriend's part in this incident. It would then seriously change his relationship and his perception of the man that he loves. He would have to deal with it. Who wants to realize they are in love with an asshole? He would have to possibly end the relationship and he just isn't ready for that. So he's transferring it all to me. He thinks I am stable, that I will always be here.
I won't. This travesty will be forgiven but not forgotten. I wrote my final letter.
Dear Uncle B,
I don’t even know where to begin. I wanted to write an objective letter a while ago to address my concerns. You can’t yell at a letter. You can’t swear at a letter. You can’t emotionally abuse a letter. A letter seemed like the most productive way to communicate to both of you. Although an important priority, I haven’t been able to focus on this due to school work. However, my mother made the choice to initiate a conversation last Sunday. I do not fault her; her heart was in the right place. She had her issues too and wanted me to be the advocate for both of us because I am strong. However, despite my unwillingness to participate in all this, I did. It is absurd all of us had these problems and they have gone unspoken thus far.
However, despite the fact that Lee’s behavior was absolutely unacceptable, you just stood back and watched. Furthermore, you even refused to talk afterward, you refused to stay… You just watched him call me profane and inappropriate names watched him threaten my life and did absolutely nothing. My husband mentioned to me that you supported Lee’s behavior that afternoon. You left with him and never looked back. You never once corrected him and stopped the situation.
Earlier when my mother, you and I were in the kitchen, you told me that you loved me. You told me that you always would, and that your love for me would never change despite any changes in your life. We have had a special, amazing bond these 28 years of my life. You have always been there for me, always there to give me great advice, always there to comfort me. I am so thankful for all the ways you have inspired me and helped me become the amazing person I am today. So when you spoke to me before the fight, I truly believed you still loved me and valued having me in as a niece.
However, your actions that afternoon dictated otherwise. When Lee was yelling, swearing, and threatening me, you did nothing. You walked away. You did not show that you loved, or even cared for me, because you took absolutely no action to stop this emotionally abusive exchange by your boyfriend. I know you have a conscience; stopping Lee’s behavior was ethically the right thing to do. I truly think if a stranger had acted this way to me, your niece that you have loved these 28 years, you would stop this cruel treatment. However, because you are in a relationship, it has clouded your once compassionate and logical heart. However, I am still bewildered you could condone such verbally abusive behavior.
I am brokenhearted and my family is absolutely disgusted by this incident. No one ever wants to see Lee again. He did not just attack me; by attacking me… he attacked them. My father was in tears this Father’s Day, my mother was absolutely shocked. Lee held no regard for anyone else within the house as he expressed his own selfish, out of control insecurities and emotions. Likewise after hearing about the incident, my sister never wants Lee to visit in Alaska because she does not want to risk being subjected to verbally abusive behavior. My mother loves me, and Lee’s inappropriate language and attack on me has hurt her too. This is an absolutely disgraceful way to thank my mother, who worked hard to prepare a nice Father’s Day meal for everyone because you asked her to on Friday. She did this even though she had to work that afternoon. We are your family, we love you. We have always been here to support you and have an amazing legacy together as a family all these years. Since you are aware of Lee’s family situation, can you see how rare, amazing and special it is that we all have this amazing bond?
When you first started making renovations on the farmhouse, you said one reason you were excited to take on this endeavor was so that you could invite your family over. So we could all sit, talk, and enjoy the time together in a nice space. We’ve had many amazing memories at the farm house; from bonfires, to Halloween parties, and even a couple Christmas gatherings. Now, Lee is dictating that I, am member of your family, is not allowed over. So my question to you is, why remodel the house when, if I am not allowed over, no one else will ever come over? Sure, you’ll have a nice space but what sense is having this space if you can’t share it with all of the people you love? A house is just a material object; a home is a place where you create happy memories by sharing it with your friends and family. If you truly love all of us, why does it not matter to you that Lee wants to exclude you from sharing this house with the people you love? Likewise, you also remained silent when Lee made these selfish choices without consulting you. I know Lee does not get along with his family, and I truly feel sad for him. I feel sad for him that perhaps he has never experienced what we all have together. However, just because he, for whatever reason, disregards his family, there is absolutely no reason you should feel you need to do the same.
In conclusion, your silent, non-responsive actions have shown me that you feel Lee’s behavior toward me was a punishment I truly deserved to endure. Although my family and I see the situation differently, I don’t care. I truly love you so much; I will willingly become the scapegoat for Lee’s verbal abuse and insecurities that day. I am emotionally mature enough to take responsibility that I deserved to be subjected to this emotional abuse if it proves to you how much I love you. I would endure anything for you. However, I cannot do this again. We are all at an impasse. I am an amazing person, achieving many great things in this world. I have a lot of people who care, support, and love me. If you are making the choice to remove yourself from my life because your boyfriend hates me, you are the one missing out. Things will never be the same again. In the meantime, I am deactivating my Facebook so I am no longer blamed for things I do not do. I am so sorry. Please know my love for you is endless; I wish you both the best.
In the past we have had arguments but time always paved the way for reconciliation. It's not the case this time. I decided to transition into a new, even more independent life. This abandonment hurts beyond words, things will never be the same again. I transferred myself off the family cell phone plan and have changed numbers so they can no longer contact me. I am the nothing that I am, that I always was... I owe my uncle nothing, he is dead to me.