Thoughts and Things
I've been thinking about things a lot recently. Me and my past relationships and what went wrong (more about my last relationship actually) and what I did compared to what they did that led to our ultimate demise. I've also tried to figure out why I can't really seem to find anyone that treats me well. I mean... my best relationships so far has been with Chance and Brandon. I can't say the same for the rest of them (there are a lot in that category), and I'm not including my one to two week relationships that I blew off. Those were ages ago and... I was a jerk. Well, except for the guys that wanted to get with me to take my V card. Fuck them (not literally).
And now I'm in the exact same situation (except now they don't want my V card, they just want to get laid). I feel like I've already put up so many walls and come up with so many things to scan for before dating or meeting somebody, but there are always those that slip through the scanner. Or those that smack right into it and I just end up disapointed at the fact that they couldn't pass in the end.
You see, I can tell if someone's a good person or not through my "vibes" or "intuition". Whatever you want to call it, I can see that aspect but, whether or not they'll end up hurting me in some way or just being shitty as a boyfriend, I can't tell! I don't know what signs to really look for, for most of them by the time you see the huge failing fault, then you're in too deep and hearts get broken.
Sometimes I just get so down because I can't help but think there's something wrong with me. I've been stood up multiple times and ditched out on and used and... so many things that just really really make me question whether I should even bother meeting people anymore. It's so hard to find decent people anymore it's ridiculous! I mean... I meet them here and there, even though things still happen that kinda fuck with my head.
Oh and there's something else, I forgive way too easily. I don't know why my head is so open. It's so easy for me to put my feet in other people's shoes and just understand and think about their situation and what they must be thinking (or at least I try) and I just forgive them for whatever it is they did to hurt me, and I forget. I've just realized how supportive and understanding a person I really am. And how it's so incredibly difficult to make me angry (unless you're my mother), and to offend me. I think only one person (at least in recent years) has been able to offend me and let me tell you what, that boy was VULGAR. It was truly disgusting the things that were coming out of his mouth... I can't even get into that one. Anyway, I guess the point of that is, when I should be pissed I'm not. When I should let them know I'm hurt, I act like everything is ok. And because of this I get walked on and fucked over.
And it's like... I know I'm not like other girls. I have morals and I want love not just sex, I don't want to use or be used for my body, and I'm tired of men assuming that it's ok to do so. I am an unrealistic romantic which is a huge issue because it's next to impossible to find a guy who's even remotely romantic. I think it's just my bad luck with relationships, I talk to my lady friends and they seem to find guys that've taken them on cute creative dates and whatever. I really don't ask for a lot, I just want to be treated right and the only high maintenence aspect in keeping me happy is attention. Just let me know you care, I like the simple things like leaving notes and flowers and (here it is my unrealistic romanticness) cuddles and kisses and cute stuff damnit! I want the cutes! Why doesn't anyone want to give me the cutes! I'm not ugly and I'm not a bitch (unless you piss me off)! So I just don't understand! >:( Is there something wrong with me? I get amazing compliments from people that I've known for a long time about how amazing I am, and how perfect I am, and all these things that I can't really see but I love and appreciate the fact that they see these things in me.
Maybe it's that these other people don't know me. Maybe it's because these other people only have one mindset of conquer and fuck. Maybe to some people the concept that I want more, I want the whole package, not just the physical, just doesn't penetrate.
See, because of all these things that have happened, because of the thoughtless selfish acts these men have done, I'm seriously hurt. I think by now I've got the great wall of China set up between me and them. It is so hard for me to trust, even a little bit. No matter how much I care for someone I just can't bring myself to trust them. My image, my fear of men is really just destroying any hope for me in relationships. I have such low confidence that if I'm with someone I need to be reminded that they care, and when I say this I mean a constant reminder. And I don't mean that they need to tell me every 5 seconds that they're madly in love with me but just with little things (see romanticness a couple paragraphs above) and I guess for some people that may turn out to be too much work which is unfortunate.
Is it that I'm too easy? And I don't mean sexually but... my mom told me that I do too much for guys. I will drive where they are to go out, I will and have done things to please them, to make things convenient for them and... I don't know could that be it? But then I'd be asking them to come pick me up from my house in Tooele to do whatever. I'm already putting my foot down about waiting a couple months for sex. Yes, a couple months. That way without it we build a real relationship instead of one based on sex and only sex. That's not what I want (and if they really want to be with me they'd show me some respect and they'd wait). Anyway, a little off topic but not at the same time... should I just start demanding certain things? I hate when my friends find these guys that will do absolutely anything for them to make them happy. Me? HA, Noooo nononono that doesn't work with the guys I end up with. Hell if I know why I can't find one, again, is there something wrong with me?
Recent events have stirred this huge torrent of thought. Comments are appreciated.
And now I'm in the exact same situation (except now they don't want my V card, they just want to get laid). I feel like I've already put up so many walls and come up with so many things to scan for before dating or meeting somebody, but there are always those that slip through the scanner. Or those that smack right into it and I just end up disapointed at the fact that they couldn't pass in the end.
You see, I can tell if someone's a good person or not through my "vibes" or "intuition". Whatever you want to call it, I can see that aspect but, whether or not they'll end up hurting me in some way or just being shitty as a boyfriend, I can't tell! I don't know what signs to really look for, for most of them by the time you see the huge failing fault, then you're in too deep and hearts get broken.
Sometimes I just get so down because I can't help but think there's something wrong with me. I've been stood up multiple times and ditched out on and used and... so many things that just really really make me question whether I should even bother meeting people anymore. It's so hard to find decent people anymore it's ridiculous! I mean... I meet them here and there, even though things still happen that kinda fuck with my head.
Oh and there's something else, I forgive way too easily. I don't know why my head is so open. It's so easy for me to put my feet in other people's shoes and just understand and think about their situation and what they must be thinking (or at least I try) and I just forgive them for whatever it is they did to hurt me, and I forget. I've just realized how supportive and understanding a person I really am. And how it's so incredibly difficult to make me angry (unless you're my mother), and to offend me. I think only one person (at least in recent years) has been able to offend me and let me tell you what, that boy was VULGAR. It was truly disgusting the things that were coming out of his mouth... I can't even get into that one. Anyway, I guess the point of that is, when I should be pissed I'm not. When I should let them know I'm hurt, I act like everything is ok. And because of this I get walked on and fucked over.
And it's like... I know I'm not like other girls. I have morals and I want love not just sex, I don't want to use or be used for my body, and I'm tired of men assuming that it's ok to do so. I am an unrealistic romantic which is a huge issue because it's next to impossible to find a guy who's even remotely romantic. I think it's just my bad luck with relationships, I talk to my lady friends and they seem to find guys that've taken them on cute creative dates and whatever. I really don't ask for a lot, I just want to be treated right and the only high maintenence aspect in keeping me happy is attention. Just let me know you care, I like the simple things like leaving notes and flowers and (here it is my unrealistic romanticness) cuddles and kisses and cute stuff damnit! I want the cutes! Why doesn't anyone want to give me the cutes! I'm not ugly and I'm not a bitch (unless you piss me off)! So I just don't understand! >:( Is there something wrong with me? I get amazing compliments from people that I've known for a long time about how amazing I am, and how perfect I am, and all these things that I can't really see but I love and appreciate the fact that they see these things in me.
Maybe it's that these other people don't know me. Maybe it's because these other people only have one mindset of conquer and fuck. Maybe to some people the concept that I want more, I want the whole package, not just the physical, just doesn't penetrate.
See, because of all these things that have happened, because of the thoughtless selfish acts these men have done, I'm seriously hurt. I think by now I've got the great wall of China set up between me and them. It is so hard for me to trust, even a little bit. No matter how much I care for someone I just can't bring myself to trust them. My image, my fear of men is really just destroying any hope for me in relationships. I have such low confidence that if I'm with someone I need to be reminded that they care, and when I say this I mean a constant reminder. And I don't mean that they need to tell me every 5 seconds that they're madly in love with me but just with little things (see romanticness a couple paragraphs above) and I guess for some people that may turn out to be too much work which is unfortunate.
Is it that I'm too easy? And I don't mean sexually but... my mom told me that I do too much for guys. I will drive where they are to go out, I will and have done things to please them, to make things convenient for them and... I don't know could that be it? But then I'd be asking them to come pick me up from my house in Tooele to do whatever. I'm already putting my foot down about waiting a couple months for sex. Yes, a couple months. That way without it we build a real relationship instead of one based on sex and only sex. That's not what I want (and if they really want to be with me they'd show me some respect and they'd wait). Anyway, a little off topic but not at the same time... should I just start demanding certain things? I hate when my friends find these guys that will do absolutely anything for them to make them happy. Me? HA, Noooo nononono that doesn't work with the guys I end up with. Hell if I know why I can't find one, again, is there something wrong with me?
Recent events have stirred this huge torrent of thought. Comments are appreciated.