An Open Letter to Eric, of Riverhead, NY
(This was actually originally posted over on what is becoming my main blog. But this could do with some signal-boosting.)
August 17, 12 pm
Dear Eric:
It’s now about 90 minutes since you - someone I’d never met before in my life, and had never given my phone number to or contacted in any way - called me out of the blue, and attempted to ask me out. And it’s about an hour since I told you, at length, why that was a supremely bad idea.
Although, I suppose I should thank you for one thing - you alerted me to a bit of online security I didn’t know I needed. You said you got my home number by doing a search using the online handle I used for a personal ad on a site; I did that same search, and saw a place where I’d stupidly used my full name for a fanfiction site. (Although, I should add that I didn’t know that would be publically visible - I need to write to the owners of that site and alert them.) And from that, you were able to get my home number on a handful of public-records search sites. Thankfully, I was able to take care of getting all that down, so I probably should give you some grudging thanks for alerting me to the need for that.
However, you should probably also know that the rest of what you said to me, I fear, was a total crock. You claimed that a “friend of mine” who used to live here had moved back to Riverhead; you said she was “Sue” from FIT. I don’t know anyone by that name who lived here in New York, nor do I know anyone from FIT. You also say you were going off my personal ad for a particular site - I still am at a loss to know why you didn’t simply contact me through that site, or how you failed to notice that I hadn’t logged onto that site in about three years. (But thanks for letting me know - I’ve taken that profile down.)
Also, I don’t quite believe that you were really paying attention in those “classes on women’s rights” that you claimed to have taken when you were trying to defend your actions, because you would have understood that not everyone seeks out a woman’s phone number because they’re trying to have some damn romantic-comedy meet-cute moment. I know that you know that you had good intentions, but what that class would have told you (if you really did take one) is that there is no way I would have known that. There is no way that I could have known that you weren't another guy who called me up and threatened to “rape and mutilate me”, and told me in graphic detail just how that would happen. (And yes, that really has happened to me.) You didn't consider this encounter from my perspective at all - you didn't pay attention when your professor told you - and your professor most certainly WOULD have told you - that just about every single woman alive has had some kind of sexual harassment, or threat, or violence done to her. And so you would have understood that your good intentions didn't magically make this situation special - you would have known that my experiences as a woman would have gotten in the way of this call having “had good energy,” like you said.
In short, you didn’t think about this from my perspective. If you had - if you had honestly wanted to get to know me - you would have started with a respect for my own comfort, and sought out a much, much less startling way of reaching out to me. Through that personal ad you said you saw, for instance. Or maybe through that “friend from FIT” you claimed knew me. But no, you thought your sheer niceness would somehow make everything okay - and that kind of thinking, that my own comfort should take a back seat to your wish for “a connection”, is the height of self-centeredness and arrogance.
But you know what, I now have your number - got it from *69. That’s how I was able to figure out you lived in Riverhead. And - I’ve also got the number of the Riverhead police department. I think I’ll hang onto both those numbers for a little while just in case. But don’t feel bad - isn’t having a girl hang onto your number a while what you ultimately wanted?
Have a nice day,
K
August 17, 12 pm
Dear Eric:
It’s now about 90 minutes since you - someone I’d never met before in my life, and had never given my phone number to or contacted in any way - called me out of the blue, and attempted to ask me out. And it’s about an hour since I told you, at length, why that was a supremely bad idea.
Although, I suppose I should thank you for one thing - you alerted me to a bit of online security I didn’t know I needed. You said you got my home number by doing a search using the online handle I used for a personal ad on a site; I did that same search, and saw a place where I’d stupidly used my full name for a fanfiction site. (Although, I should add that I didn’t know that would be publically visible - I need to write to the owners of that site and alert them.) And from that, you were able to get my home number on a handful of public-records search sites. Thankfully, I was able to take care of getting all that down, so I probably should give you some grudging thanks for alerting me to the need for that.
However, you should probably also know that the rest of what you said to me, I fear, was a total crock. You claimed that a “friend of mine” who used to live here had moved back to Riverhead; you said she was “Sue” from FIT. I don’t know anyone by that name who lived here in New York, nor do I know anyone from FIT. You also say you were going off my personal ad for a particular site - I still am at a loss to know why you didn’t simply contact me through that site, or how you failed to notice that I hadn’t logged onto that site in about three years. (But thanks for letting me know - I’ve taken that profile down.)
Also, I don’t quite believe that you were really paying attention in those “classes on women’s rights” that you claimed to have taken when you were trying to defend your actions, because you would have understood that not everyone seeks out a woman’s phone number because they’re trying to have some damn romantic-comedy meet-cute moment. I know that you know that you had good intentions, but what that class would have told you (if you really did take one) is that there is no way I would have known that. There is no way that I could have known that you weren't another guy who called me up and threatened to “rape and mutilate me”, and told me in graphic detail just how that would happen. (And yes, that really has happened to me.) You didn't consider this encounter from my perspective at all - you didn't pay attention when your professor told you - and your professor most certainly WOULD have told you - that just about every single woman alive has had some kind of sexual harassment, or threat, or violence done to her. And so you would have understood that your good intentions didn't magically make this situation special - you would have known that my experiences as a woman would have gotten in the way of this call having “had good energy,” like you said.
In short, you didn’t think about this from my perspective. If you had - if you had honestly wanted to get to know me - you would have started with a respect for my own comfort, and sought out a much, much less startling way of reaching out to me. Through that personal ad you said you saw, for instance. Or maybe through that “friend from FIT” you claimed knew me. But no, you thought your sheer niceness would somehow make everything okay - and that kind of thinking, that my own comfort should take a back seat to your wish for “a connection”, is the height of self-centeredness and arrogance.
But you know what, I now have your number - got it from *69. That’s how I was able to figure out you lived in Riverhead. And - I’ve also got the number of the Riverhead police department. I think I’ll hang onto both those numbers for a little while just in case. But don’t feel bad - isn’t having a girl hang onto your number a while what you ultimately wanted?
Have a nice day,
K