FIC: "Tomorrow Takes Me Higher" (Part 3/4)
Title: Tomorrow Takes Me Higher
Pairing: Adam/Kris
Rating: R
DAY FOUR
When Danny arrived at just after seven in the morning, both Adam and Kris had already been working for well over an hour. Adam couldn't even return his call until he finished a quick live interview with Z100, and even then it was only a text to let him know that he and Kris would be down in the hotel restaurant for breakfast in about twenty minutes or so. He managed to tape a segment for the Dallas market and then squeeze in a call to Julia (to her voicemail, because unlike him she was still sleeping) before heading downstairs for a break.
"Hey," said Kris, meeting him in the hallway and looking about as tired as Adam felt. It wasn't even the early hours, which both of them were used to, but the subject matter of each and every interview. "I've got half an hour."
"Yeah, me too," said Adam, and they didn't say anything else on the way downstairs, just leaned against one another in the elevator.
Danny was hanging around by the entrance to the restaurant, talking on his phone and giving them a wave when they got close. Adam waved back, then lifted Kris's sleeve to mimic a wave from him as well. Kris just gave him a grin and shook his head.
"That was Matt," Danny said as he put his phone away. "I guess he's up."
"You heading up then, or...?" said Adam as they claimed a table in a somewhat hidden corner, much to the chagrin of the fans and paparazzi who were still hanging around the hotel. Adam sincerely hoped that someone else did something really stupid soon, so they could move on to their next big story. This one had already gone on plenty long enough.
"After I eat," said Danny. "He sounded like he had someone in there with him."
"He always has someone in there with him," said Kris, looking back over his shoulder for a moment. "Maybe we should've gotten room service."
"I was worried if I didn't get out of the room now, I wasn't going to have another chance for hours," said Adam before turning to Danny. "You been getting hit hard too?"
"Hard enough," said Danny. "I'm sorry I didn't get up here sooner. I've been praying for him."
"Yeah, me too," said Kris quietly. He didn't even pick up his menu, and frankly Adam didn't need to either to know what he wanted to eat. "How long are you here for?"
"Today, all day," said Danny. "I need to be in Nashville tomorrow for a breakfast meeting so I'm flying out tonight, unless something happens to change anything."
"Probably not," said Adam, then paused while they all ordered. Coffee, juice, toast and egg white omelet. Enough to keep him going until he had to take another break, and he could always order up to the room if he had to. "I'm glad you're here."
"Wish I could've gotten away sooner," said Danny. "I would have if he was dying or something. I mean--"
"I know what you mean," said Adam generously. After all this time, he was pretty good at translating from Danny. "He's good, though. He might even talk to you."
"Oh, sweet coffee," said Kris when it was placed in front of him, wrapping both hands around it like it was life-sustaining. "I promise never to leave you again."
Adam would have called him an addict only that seemed really insensitive at the moment. That, and he knew exactly how he felt.
"Can I talk about any of the songs you sent me?" he asked Kris instead. "My tour's wrapped up so that's not a hot topic right now, but your next album is and they know you're with me here."
"That's funny," said Kris. "When mine aren't asking me about Matt, they're asking me about you."
"Yeah, well, you're still Kradam," said Danny, sipping his water. "You can't ever get away from that, huh?"
Adam just shrugged. "I never tried really hard," he said. "So can I, or is that off limits?"
"No, it's totally cool," said Kris. "Hey, any time you want to talk me up is all right with me. Uh, we're still working on recording and no timeline for release yet. Not till after the college tour, though if they ask about the tour you can mention I'll probably be playing some new material live."
"Got it," said Adam. "I have nothing for you to work with. You can just talk about how awesome I am."
"Always do," said Kris, and Danny snorted into his orange juice. "Does Matt sound like he's having a good day?"
"I'm not sure how to tell the difference," said Danny. "He sounded okay on the phone, though. Kind of upbeat. You guys just do what you need to do. I'll stick with him today. We have a lot of catching up to do."
"Yeah, I bet," said Adam, "Thanks, Danny. We've got a lot to get done today." As if on cue Adam's phone rang, but since he had nothing scheduled for this half hour and it wasn't a number he recognized, he let it go to voicemail. "I've stocked up on tea to get through it."
"At least you're still in practice," said Danny. "Never enough hours in the day."
"Ain't that the truth," said Kris and yawned and Adam settled in to wait for their hopefully quick breakfast as flashbulbs went off at the corner of his eye.
*
Mid-afternoon Kris wandered into his suite, earpiece in and still in the middle of a call, and proceeded to help himself to some of the grapes out of the fruit basket on Adam's desk. Adam wasn't even that surprised, just smirked at him, gave him a wave, and kept answering questions from a station in Seattle until the allotted interview time was up.
And even after that he didn't say anything, because Kris was in the middle of talking about his new songs and Adam had another interview queued up and this wasn't about visiting each other, it was just about not doing this whole thing alone.
It was about an hour before Adam had another break, taking off his phone and making some tea partly for his throat and partly because it was just a calming thing to do.
"Can I sneak some of that too?" said Kris.
"What?" said Adam without even looking back over his shoulder. "Have I run out of grapes already?"
"Those are really good grapes," Kris said in his defense. "I'm on hold right now so I don't have much time."
"You know I was already making you a cup, whether you asked for it or not," admitted Adam. "What's the worst that could happen? You'd let it go cold."
"I might end up doing that anyway," said Kris, then Adam heard the faint sound of someone on the line and Kris was back at it again, curling up in the chair by the window and looking out at the city. He looked so worn down that Adam just wanted to wrap his arms around him for a little while, but Kris was strong. He was just tired of so much right now, and there wasn't much Adam could do about that.
When the tea was ready he set a mug down on the windowsill next to Kris then stretched out on his bed and made a quick call to Julia and then to his publicist, just to touch base and make sure everything for today was still on track, that there were no last minute changes to his very tight schedule. Which of course there were, a couple of additions on the tail end and a promise to have a debriefing type conference afterwards, because so much of this was on the fly and there wasn't a lot of prep beforehand.
Julia was still a little nervous that she was working out of LA and not alongside him in Chicago, but as much as he was missing her Adam still preferred it this way. Despite everything, this was still a personal visit and not a professional obligation, and Adam was going to treat it that way. He wouldn't bring Julia with him to a family dinner, or a friend's barbecue, so he wasn't going to make this into anything more than that.
And he definitely wasn't having his PR team along for the ride, but that had been a no-go right from the start.
"It's going great," Kris was saying, with forced energy. "It's going to be a great show. Yeah, it kicks off in Austin, but not all the dates are set yet..."
When Kris caught his eye Adam just gave him a wink and took his next incoming call.
*
Adam actually had more energy at the end of the day than at the beginning, buoyed, perhaps, by the fact that they'd burned through a lot of obligations in one day. People were happy with him, with both of them, and that went a long way to making Adam's life easier when other things were still being very hard.
"Come on, let's do something," he said. "Do you want to do something?"
"We've been doing something all day," said Kris, "which I actually like a lot better than just waiting."
"About a hundred interviews does not count as doing things," said Adam. "Not even when it takes all day. Something not at the hotel."
"Dinner then," said Kris. "Dinner? Nothing too fancy. I just want to sit down and eat something that's not hospital cafeteria food or room service."
"Yes, we certainly have not been living in the style to which we have become accustomed lately," said Adam, though given the quantity of room service they'd been consuming, that was a debatable point. "I could go for a decent meal."
"I just have one more phone call to make," said Kris. "I'm not sure I brought anything particularly nice to wear."
"As long as it's not plaid I'll find it acceptable," said Adam. Actually, he'd be fine with the plaid too. After all these years, he just accepted it as part and parcel of the man. "You calling the kids?"
"Yeah, if we're going out I want to catch them before they're in bed," said Kris. "Actually, it's already getting late isn't it?"
"You make your call and I'll get changed," said Adam, getting up to make his way back to his own room. By the time he was ready to go out, Kris not only would be finished with his call, but would have washed and changed and probably read half a book while waiting for him.
When Adam did arrive it wasn't half a book, but Kris did have a magazine open in front of him. "How's the family tonight?"
"It was mostly Sadie babbling at me," said Kris, beaming up at him a little. "Apparently she's gotten the hang of the phone, even though she's not actually talking that much. Katy had to pry it away from her, I think."
"You'll see them again soon," said Adam, leaning down to kiss the top of Kris's head. "Ready to go?"
"Been ready for a while," said Kris, getting up off the bed and tossing the magazine on the desk. "The concierge recommended a quiet little bistro a couple of blocks from here."
"Perfect," said Adam. "I'll follow you."
While the bistro afforded them more privacy than they'd had outside of the hospital since they arrived, Adam didn't fool himself into thinking they were completely unseen. But he still let his guard down as much as Kris did, and actually enjoyed himself for a while.
He told Kris all about the guy in Venice, all about the day off in Sydney, and Kris told him about Max and Sadie, about the demise of Harry the hamster, and about his plans for the college tour. They'd known each other for years, but sitting there at that side table, splitting a bottle of wine, it was a little like getting to know one another all over again.
It was much later than Adam realized when the wine was gone, desert was finished, and the bistro was starting to look a little empty.
"At least I tip really well," he offered Kris a little sheepishly as he handed over his credit card to the server, but Kris just smiled at him.
"I don't think they're going to complain about us hanging out in here all night," he said. "This place was full from the moment we sat down till the moment they stopped seating people. I don't know, maybe it's always like that, but I don't think we did them any harm."
"Still," said Adam, "I'm not used to staying in one place this long."
"Well, I'd offer to go out for drinks," said Kris, "but I'm pretty sure that when we actually try to move we're going to find we're just about dead on our feet."
He wasn't wrong about that, and the short walk back to the hotel was nice enough for that time of night. They weren't even bothered by anyone, either because the streets were fairly empty or because the dim light kept them from being recognized despite the fact that their presence at the hotel was well known. Or maybe people just decided that tonight was the night to keep a respectful distance.
Whichever it was, Adam was grateful for it, and when they reached Kris's room he was a little reluctant for the evening to come to an end. If they both weren't about ready to fall on their faces, he wouldn't have.
"So I'll see you in the morning," he said, leaning against the wall while Kris had his back to the door, fiddling with the key card behind his back. "Breakfast?"
"Sure," said Kris. "You want me to give you a wake-up call?"
"Yeah, you might want to do that," said Adam with a grin.
Kris smiled back, then finally opened his hotel room door and slipped inside. A moment later Adam returned to his own room, but not before waiting for the door to fully click shut.
DAY FIVE
Adam saw the pictures before he even had his morning coffee, and though they were nothing unexpected, the captions and accompanying articles were. He thought about calling Kris right away, then decided it would probably go better after coffee and gulped down a cup before hitting the vending machine in the hallway and then knocking on Kris's door.
"I feel like I should apologize," he said when Kris opened it, handing him a bottle of orange juice.
"For what?"
"For people jumping to conclusions about last night."
Kris just shrugged though and looked completely unconcerned as he let him inside. Obviously he'd already seen the morning news before Adam ever got there.
"They can jump to conclusions if they want," he said. "It wouldn't be the first time someone thought there was something going on between us."
"And you and I know what it really was anyway," said Adam. Kris didn't answer so quickly this time. "Don't we?"
"Maybe?" said Kris, then, "I'm not sure." His eyes were on his bottle of juice as he twisted it open, much more slowly than he needed to. "Sorry, this probably isn't something you need right now."
"No, it's fine," said Adam, suddenly all kinds of uncertain. "I'm actually not entirely sure what you're saying."
"We've talked about missing each other," said Kris after another prolonged pause, finally looking up again, "and I have been. Maybe more than I've let on. And there are things that I haven't thought about in a long time that I've started thinking about again. But it's not...maybe we shouldn’t talk about this till things here are sorted out. I didn't mean to spring it on you like this."
"No, I want to talk about it," said Adam. "I mean...we are talking about last night maybe being a date, right? If we are, I should probably be a part of that conversation."
"Probably," admitted Kris, smiling at his orange juice as he looked down again. "Sorry. It just didn't seem to be a great time to bring any of this up, what with everything else that's going on. I was planning on sitting on it till everything with Matt settled down a little."
"Well, next time I'm taking you on a date, how about a heads up before I do it?"
He wasn't angry, but Kris looked up at him like he was. "I’m sorry," he said again. "I didn't mean I thought it was a date, just that it being a date wasn't actually outside the realm of possibility. That it wasn't a preposterous conclusion to come to."
"I mean," Adam went on, "if I'd known it was a date, I would've at least tried for a good-night kiss."
Kris smiled a little again, even if he didn't try to claim the kiss that Adam thought was obviously still on offer. "When we got together in LA, for dinner?" he said. "The plans we had? I was going to bring this up, as a possibility. But then all this happened and it sort of got shuffled down my list of priorities."
"I didn't know," said Adam. "I mean...."
It wasn't that he didn't know there was something between him and Kris. There'd always been something between him and Kris, sometimes to an awkward and unsettling degree, but it had never been the right time and place for them. Adam just didn't realize that they'd finally come all the way back around to it again, and this time neither of them had any reason not to pursue it anymore.
"I know what you mean," said Kris. "And I know it had to be me to say it. I just didn't mean to do it quite like this."
"Why don't we try it again," suggested Adam. "With eyes wide open this time. Dinner tonight? Take two?"
"Yeah?" said Kris, looking up at him a little hopefully. "That'd be nice. Same place?"
"Same time, same place," said Adam. "And if it's all over the web again, then so be it. Deal?"
"It's a date, not a business transaction," said Kris, but he screwed the cap back on his orange juice anyway and took Adam's hand. "Deal. I'm looking forward to it."
*
"Hey," said Adam when Neil finally answered the phone on the seventh ring. "What, were you jerking off or something."
"You are in so much trouble," said Neil, completely skipping over hello. "You know Mom's been trying to call you, right?"
"I just talked to her a couple of days ago!" insisted Adam. "I told her everything that was going on here. I even promised I was eating my vegetables."
"I mean today," said Neil. "About the stuff with that Allen kid? She wants to talk to you."
"I'm pretty sure he's not the Allen kid now that he has a couple of his own," said Adam. "She doesn't believe the tabloids now, does she? After all this time?"
"So you're not tapping that ass?" Adam apparently hesitated a moment too long before answering. "Shit, you are."
"I'm not!" said Adam. "Seriously, I’m not."
"What, then?" said Neil. "Because that was a prelude-to-a-confession pause. I know that damn pause, Adam."
"We're going on a date tonight," said Adam, "and if you laugh at me right now I'm skipping over your birthday this year. I mean it."
"Only you," said Neil, "would tear off to Chicago after a friend overdoses, and end up with a date with Kris Allen."
"I didn't exactly plan it this way," said Adam. "Don't tell Mom. I'll call her later."
"Oh yeah, you are absolutely breaking that one to her yourself," agreed Neil. "I am not taking on that burden for you. So since I'm pretty sure you didn't call to update me on your love life, what's up?"
"Liar," said Adam, "you're dying to have some gossip on me. I'm going to need to call her as soon as I get off the phone with you just to get to her first."
"You can't prove anything," said Neil. "Seriously, are you just this bored? You don't know what to do with yourself when you're not out being fabulous?"
"Right, no," said Adam, "I just wanted to let you know that I'm going to be in New York in about two weeks. I'm doing some stuff, but I'm going to have a lot of free time if you wanted to get together?"
"Well, I'm going to have to check my extremely busy schedule, but...uh, yeah, I guess we could do something," said Neil. "Fucktard, of course we're getting together. Do you know what day?"
"Not yet," said Adam, "but as soon as I do, I'll let you know. I'm sorry I missed you last time I was in the city."
"You were busy," said Neil. "When were you even going to fit me in? Have me watch while you got your costume fitted? Because no thanks, I'll pass. I saw enough of you naked when we were kids."
"Still," said Adam. "Next time I'll make time. With no nakedness."
"You're a good brother," said Neil approvingly. "You should go call Mom now before she decides to do an interview just to get the scoop in return."
"She can't be that frantic," said Adam, but she had left him a couple of messages that he hadn't had time to return yet, and called a few more times, and maybe she really was a little worried about him. After all, she knew what it had been like for him on the American Idol tour, and even after so many years in between mothers still had a sense about these things. "Okay, yeah, I'll do that."
"And don't be a fucking stranger," said Neil. "You have my number."
"I do," agreed Adam. "Bye, Neil."
*
"It wasn't a cry for help," said Matt, reaching for the glass of water he kept next to his bed.
"So you're talking to me today?" said Adam, hauling a chair clear across the room so he could sit next to the bed. Matt was dressed, and on top of the covers, but still looked like he didn't want to go anywhere if no one was making him.
"I just wanted you to know it wasn't on purpose," said Matt. "Yesterday Danny asked me if I was trying to kill myself. How crazy is that?"
"You almost did," Adam pointed out. "Do you even know how close it was?"
"Even if the doctors hadn't told me," said Matt, "my mother sure did. But it was just a stupid accident. I was taking some medication and it did something I didn't expect, that's all that happened."
"You're right, that sounds stupid," said Adam, tenting his fingers in front of his face and trying to tamp down the sudden anger that he knew was still mostly fear. "What, sleeping pills? Cough syrup? If you were shooting up instead of snorting coke, that actually could've killed you."
"Something like that," said Matt. "I'll know to be more careful now."
"You know that's not the answer anyone wants to hear," said Adam. "Come on, Matt, you know what this shit does to people. You've seen it. We've all seen it."
"You're not exactly the poster boy for 'just say no' yourself."
"Maybe that's what makes me so qualified to give you shit about it," said Adam. "I know why you do it. I know how it feels. But fuck...you almost died. Dead. Over. And that's fucked up, Matt. That's too far."
"I've heard all this before."
"But not from me," said Adam. "It's easy for someone to say all that when they don't know how good it feels, when they don't get what it does for you in the first place. But I know, Matt. I've been there. And this is too far. You know that. And you know why."
Matt didn't look happy, but the wasn't arguing. "It wasn’t sleeping pills or cough syrup," he said finally. "It was antidepressants." Adam took that in silently, nodding and trying to decide what the right question was to follow that up. "They tell me they counteracted some of the effects of the coke. That's why I took too much."
"Matt, if you tell me that your solution is to go off them," said Adam, "I'm going to hit you. I'm seriously going to break your nose."
He didn't know if the drugs were because of the roller coaster of coke, or for other issues entirely, and it wasn't really his business to ask unless Matt wanted to bring it up. He just knew that prescription drug trumped recreational drug pretty much every time.
"I know enough to be careful now," he said again, and Adam was pretty clear on what he meant by that this time. "This won't happen again."
"Matt...." he said tightly, then stood up and paced away from the side of the bed. "For fuck's sake."
"Adam, you don't know--"
"I don't know what?" he said, turning back to face him. "I don't know what it's like? Really?" Yeah, that shut Matt up for a minute, but it didn't make Adam feel any better. "Yeah, exactly. Look, I'm not asking you to lie to me, but at least give me some clue that you actually get what the problem is here."
"I'd quit if I thought it was a problem," said Matt, "but this didn't happen because I was habitually taking too much. It was just an accident. I get that you're worrying and I'm sorry about that, but you need to trust me that I know what the actual problem was."
"We have to trust you?" said Adam. "How about you trust us? I don't even think you're listening to yourself."
"You don't think I've had a lot of time to think about this?" said Matt. "You overdose and everyone gets the wrong idea. I wasn't trying to kill myself and I wasn't trying to...I don't know what else you think I was trying to do. It was just an accident."
"Matt," said Adam, his voice shaking a little as he struggled to keep his tone even. "You are so full of shit right now." Matt opened his mouth to say something, but Adam cut him off with a fierce hand gesture. "I know you're a smart guy, so I know you know that you're just justifying this shit right now because you don't want to face that you might actually have to do something about this. And you think I'm a safe person to do that with, because unlike your mom or your staff or your therapist, I know what you're going through. But you're wrong. It's because I know what you're going through that I know you're full of shit. Nobody can make you quit fucking yourself up with that shit, but don't pretend that you aren't."
"But you--"
"There's a big difference between trying things out once in a while, and letting them dictate your life," said Adam. "You don't even have to label what you are, Matt, and I don't know. I don't know. But you've really got some shit to get together."
"This is why I wasn't talking to you before," muttered Matt, but Adam saw it, he saw the tiniest, most unexpected smile on Matt's face.
"So you are listening," said Adam. "That's good."
"Yeah, I'm listening," said Matt. "But it really wasn't a suicide attempt. That much I'm sticking by."
"Well, don't let it ever be one," said Adam. "You hear me?"
"Yeah, I hear you," said Matt. "I heard every word you said."
*
They even got the same table, not on display in the front window but not hidden away in the back either. There was a painting of a fiddler nearby and a tealight burning on the table between them.
"Katy knows," said Kris, breaking open a piece of bread. "About me being interested in you."
"I think Katy's always known," said Adam. "As much as there was to know." Which until now hadn't been all that much. "She's a smart woman."
"I mean we've talked about it," said Kris, "since the divorce. We've talked about the possibility of me asking you out. But mostly I called her this afternoon and told her about our date."
"Oh," said Adam. "Really?" Kris's foot came up and just touched his ankle, for a moment. "How'd that go over?"
"It was a good conversation," said Kris. "I'm glad she already knew before today that it was possible, no matter whether you said yes or no. I wanted it out there."
"You really thought I was going to say no?"
"It was always possible," he said, smiling shyly into his drink. "You might've been involved. You might've thought it was bad timing. You might've been too invested in our friendship to want to risk trying for something more."
"The best relationships come out of friendships," said Adam, "and I've always been someone willing to take risks. This doesn't feel like that much of a risk, though."
"No?" said Kris, breaking his bread into smaller pieces. "What does it feel like then?"
"It feels like picking up where we left off, a long time ago," said Adam quietly. "Not literally, I know things never came to this. But in another time and another place we could have had something. I think we both knew that. No, I know we both knew that, even if we never spelled it out."
"And now it's another time and another place," finished Kris. "And I'm glad it's now. I mean, I'm not glad it's now, because I wouldn't really wish for Matt to go through this in order for us to get here, but I’m glad it's now. I wouldn't have been ready six years ago, Katy or no Katy."
"You don't think so?"
"I didn't know where I was at or what I wanted," said Kris, "I just knew that I was feeling things. Maybe without Katy I would've figured them out faster. I don't know. But here we are now, right?"
"Here we are now," said Adam. "Me with a string of failed relationships and you with an ex-wife and two kids."
Kris just smiled, almost laughed. "Maybe that's just how this is supposed to go," he said. "I don't mind if you don't mind."
"I love your kids," said Adam. "And I love--"
"I think it's okay to say it," said Kris when Adam cut himself off abruptly. "I mean, we've been saying it for years."
"Not like this," said Adam stubbornly. "I think I'm going to sit on that for the right moment, actually. And our first date isn't it."
"Or second date," said Kris, "depending on how we're counting."
"First," said Adam firmly, "because I want to do this right."
"Does that mean you're going to try for the kiss this time?" said Kris. "I almost thought you were going to last night, you know. That moment at my door, when we got back to the hotel."
"If anyone was going to last night, it should've been you," said Adam, "and you'd better believe I'm going to be going for the kiss later. Be ready."
"Been ready for a while," said Kris, then picked up his menu and almost, but not quite, hid his coy little smile behind it.
It could've been just like a hundred other dinners he'd had with Kris, and in some ways it was, in the way it was so easy for them to talk, in the way they could read each other so easily, but it was different too. It was different because there was a new kind of tension there, new kinds of looks between them, new kinds of touches and definitely some new intentions. Whatever might've been brewing between them a long time ago, it was nothing compared to what it was like when they both actually let it out.
*
Adam remembered a night just like this one, years ago now. Sitting with Kris on a rooftop under the dim city stars and talking about life, about the future. He remembered feeling this yearning to share it with him in more ways, in every way, and knew Kris had been feeling it too. But the last time Kris had been loyal to his wife, and Adam had been involved, and just because they were feeling the same things didn't mean it was a good idea. There were too many variables, too much else going on, and everything was too new.
None of those things were relevant now.
"I think we're getting to old for this," said Kris, stretching out on the blanket they'd snuck up with them, bracing himself with his hands behind him.
"Just wait till you're this side of thirty," said Adam. "Then you can talk to me about being too old for this."
"I turned thirty on my last birthday," Kris reminded him. "So I can talk about it all I want. It's a nice night, though."
"Shit, you're right," said Adam, and sat down next to him. "When did that happen?"
"June," said Kris, then gave him a cheeky little grin and sat up a little more so that he could offer Adam his hand.
It was a little chilly, the breeze catching them more up here than it would have at street level, but it was still a nice night. A surprisingly quiet, clear night.
"We are in so much trouble if we get caught up here," said Adam after a few moments, as he tangled his fingers with Kris's.
"Hey, I'm the one who said we should go to the park instead," said Kris. "When the police come for us, or the man in the chopper tries to tell us not to jump, just remember that."
"Noted," said Adam, and rested his knee against Kris's and looked up at the sky. "It's been a strange week."
"Yeah, it has," said Kris. Not strange strange, with odd requests and bizarre people and sights they couldn't have imagined, but a different kind of strange. Emotionally strange. "Good, though." He wrinkled up his nose when he said that, in a way that was, and always had been, endearing. "I feel bad saying that."
"Hard and good," said Adam, and felt a little ping of victory when he discovered he was still able to make Kris blush. "But seriously, it has sucked but it's still good because now that this has happened, maybe things can change for him in better ways."
"Like us," said Kris. "Maybe."
"Like us, I hope," said Adam. "I'm not going to pretend I know how this is going to work out yet, but I'm pretty sure it's not going to be bad no matter what it is."
"I really have been thinking about this for a long time," said Kris. "It's both easier and more complicated than it used to be."
"Yeah, I know, right?" said Adam. "But I think maybe we've got our timing a bit better this time."
"I don't regret that this didn't happen before," said Kris. "I had a lot of really happy years. I have Max and Sadie and the idea of never having had them...I just don't want to even think about it. It's unbearable."
"But now that we're here in this moment again," said Adam, "I kind of want to grab hold of it and hang on, you know? Not just us, but a lot of things. I just don't want life to get away from me. I don't want to miss out on friends and birthdays and shooting stars because I've got so much else going on."
"I don't think you have been," said Kris. "You haven't been that person, Adam. Busy is not the same as neglectful."
"No, I know," he said, "but I could be that person. I can see the road to becoming that person and it's laid out right in front of me. And I don't want to be the person that misses out on the best things in life."
"So don't be," said Kris. "I'm pretty sure it's about as easy as it sounds. If you haven't become a complete wreck by this point, I don't think you're going to."
"I just want to make sure," said Adam, "because I can see the good stuff in front of me right now too and it looks really, really good."
"Yeah, it does, doesn't it?" said Kris, and smiled and leaned back on his hand again as they fell silent and enjoyed the momentary peace surrounding them.
They went back downstairs before too long, before a sensor went off in a little room somewhere and a security guard came up to check on the door that was just slightly ajar, before the fall air got any chillier. Or maybe they'd been on camera this entire time, and someone just decided that if they wanted to take their lives into their own hands up here, that was their business.
A famous face bought you a lot, and this was one time Adam wasn't going to question it.
They lingered just inside Kris's door, and this time instead of letting it close with him in the hallway Adam let Kris draw him inside. This time when the door closed, he was on the other side of it.
Neither one of them said anything, and slowly Adam just let instinct take over, leaning in close and pressing his lips to Kris's. It didn't stay chaste for long, and not because of Adam. Kris grabbed a handful of Adam's shirt on either side of his waist and yanked until Adam stumbled backwards against the wall, then Kris was kissing him hard and kissing him thoroughly, no hesitation at all.
Adam let it last as long as he dared, hot and hard with Kris's body pressed up flush against him, but finally he gently pushed Kris away and gulped in a couple of lungfuls of blessedly cool air.
"If I don't leave now," he said, "this is going to be a whole lot more than a good-night kiss."
"I would be okay with that," said Kris. "Just putting that out there."
Adam would be okay with that too, which made it all the harder to put the brakes on. "Got to save something for the second date," he said though, and pressed his hands to Kris's cheeks and kissed him one last time. "I'll see you in the morning."
"Yeah, I've heard that before," said Adam, but Kris was smiling as Adam slipped out again and he knew he was making the right choice.
Tomorrow, however, all bets were off.
--
Part 4
Pairing: Adam/Kris
Rating: R
DAY FOUR
When Danny arrived at just after seven in the morning, both Adam and Kris had already been working for well over an hour. Adam couldn't even return his call until he finished a quick live interview with Z100, and even then it was only a text to let him know that he and Kris would be down in the hotel restaurant for breakfast in about twenty minutes or so. He managed to tape a segment for the Dallas market and then squeeze in a call to Julia (to her voicemail, because unlike him she was still sleeping) before heading downstairs for a break.
"Hey," said Kris, meeting him in the hallway and looking about as tired as Adam felt. It wasn't even the early hours, which both of them were used to, but the subject matter of each and every interview. "I've got half an hour."
"Yeah, me too," said Adam, and they didn't say anything else on the way downstairs, just leaned against one another in the elevator.
Danny was hanging around by the entrance to the restaurant, talking on his phone and giving them a wave when they got close. Adam waved back, then lifted Kris's sleeve to mimic a wave from him as well. Kris just gave him a grin and shook his head.
"That was Matt," Danny said as he put his phone away. "I guess he's up."
"You heading up then, or...?" said Adam as they claimed a table in a somewhat hidden corner, much to the chagrin of the fans and paparazzi who were still hanging around the hotel. Adam sincerely hoped that someone else did something really stupid soon, so they could move on to their next big story. This one had already gone on plenty long enough.
"After I eat," said Danny. "He sounded like he had someone in there with him."
"He always has someone in there with him," said Kris, looking back over his shoulder for a moment. "Maybe we should've gotten room service."
"I was worried if I didn't get out of the room now, I wasn't going to have another chance for hours," said Adam before turning to Danny. "You been getting hit hard too?"
"Hard enough," said Danny. "I'm sorry I didn't get up here sooner. I've been praying for him."
"Yeah, me too," said Kris quietly. He didn't even pick up his menu, and frankly Adam didn't need to either to know what he wanted to eat. "How long are you here for?"
"Today, all day," said Danny. "I need to be in Nashville tomorrow for a breakfast meeting so I'm flying out tonight, unless something happens to change anything."
"Probably not," said Adam, then paused while they all ordered. Coffee, juice, toast and egg white omelet. Enough to keep him going until he had to take another break, and he could always order up to the room if he had to. "I'm glad you're here."
"Wish I could've gotten away sooner," said Danny. "I would have if he was dying or something. I mean--"
"I know what you mean," said Adam generously. After all this time, he was pretty good at translating from Danny. "He's good, though. He might even talk to you."
"Oh, sweet coffee," said Kris when it was placed in front of him, wrapping both hands around it like it was life-sustaining. "I promise never to leave you again."
Adam would have called him an addict only that seemed really insensitive at the moment. That, and he knew exactly how he felt.
"Can I talk about any of the songs you sent me?" he asked Kris instead. "My tour's wrapped up so that's not a hot topic right now, but your next album is and they know you're with me here."
"That's funny," said Kris. "When mine aren't asking me about Matt, they're asking me about you."
"Yeah, well, you're still Kradam," said Danny, sipping his water. "You can't ever get away from that, huh?"
Adam just shrugged. "I never tried really hard," he said. "So can I, or is that off limits?"
"No, it's totally cool," said Kris. "Hey, any time you want to talk me up is all right with me. Uh, we're still working on recording and no timeline for release yet. Not till after the college tour, though if they ask about the tour you can mention I'll probably be playing some new material live."
"Got it," said Adam. "I have nothing for you to work with. You can just talk about how awesome I am."
"Always do," said Kris, and Danny snorted into his orange juice. "Does Matt sound like he's having a good day?"
"I'm not sure how to tell the difference," said Danny. "He sounded okay on the phone, though. Kind of upbeat. You guys just do what you need to do. I'll stick with him today. We have a lot of catching up to do."
"Yeah, I bet," said Adam, "Thanks, Danny. We've got a lot to get done today." As if on cue Adam's phone rang, but since he had nothing scheduled for this half hour and it wasn't a number he recognized, he let it go to voicemail. "I've stocked up on tea to get through it."
"At least you're still in practice," said Danny. "Never enough hours in the day."
"Ain't that the truth," said Kris and yawned and Adam settled in to wait for their hopefully quick breakfast as flashbulbs went off at the corner of his eye.
*
Mid-afternoon Kris wandered into his suite, earpiece in and still in the middle of a call, and proceeded to help himself to some of the grapes out of the fruit basket on Adam's desk. Adam wasn't even that surprised, just smirked at him, gave him a wave, and kept answering questions from a station in Seattle until the allotted interview time was up.
And even after that he didn't say anything, because Kris was in the middle of talking about his new songs and Adam had another interview queued up and this wasn't about visiting each other, it was just about not doing this whole thing alone.
It was about an hour before Adam had another break, taking off his phone and making some tea partly for his throat and partly because it was just a calming thing to do.
"Can I sneak some of that too?" said Kris.
"What?" said Adam without even looking back over his shoulder. "Have I run out of grapes already?"
"Those are really good grapes," Kris said in his defense. "I'm on hold right now so I don't have much time."
"You know I was already making you a cup, whether you asked for it or not," admitted Adam. "What's the worst that could happen? You'd let it go cold."
"I might end up doing that anyway," said Kris, then Adam heard the faint sound of someone on the line and Kris was back at it again, curling up in the chair by the window and looking out at the city. He looked so worn down that Adam just wanted to wrap his arms around him for a little while, but Kris was strong. He was just tired of so much right now, and there wasn't much Adam could do about that.
When the tea was ready he set a mug down on the windowsill next to Kris then stretched out on his bed and made a quick call to Julia and then to his publicist, just to touch base and make sure everything for today was still on track, that there were no last minute changes to his very tight schedule. Which of course there were, a couple of additions on the tail end and a promise to have a debriefing type conference afterwards, because so much of this was on the fly and there wasn't a lot of prep beforehand.
Julia was still a little nervous that she was working out of LA and not alongside him in Chicago, but as much as he was missing her Adam still preferred it this way. Despite everything, this was still a personal visit and not a professional obligation, and Adam was going to treat it that way. He wouldn't bring Julia with him to a family dinner, or a friend's barbecue, so he wasn't going to make this into anything more than that.
And he definitely wasn't having his PR team along for the ride, but that had been a no-go right from the start.
"It's going great," Kris was saying, with forced energy. "It's going to be a great show. Yeah, it kicks off in Austin, but not all the dates are set yet..."
When Kris caught his eye Adam just gave him a wink and took his next incoming call.
*
Adam actually had more energy at the end of the day than at the beginning, buoyed, perhaps, by the fact that they'd burned through a lot of obligations in one day. People were happy with him, with both of them, and that went a long way to making Adam's life easier when other things were still being very hard.
"Come on, let's do something," he said. "Do you want to do something?"
"We've been doing something all day," said Kris, "which I actually like a lot better than just waiting."
"About a hundred interviews does not count as doing things," said Adam. "Not even when it takes all day. Something not at the hotel."
"Dinner then," said Kris. "Dinner? Nothing too fancy. I just want to sit down and eat something that's not hospital cafeteria food or room service."
"Yes, we certainly have not been living in the style to which we have become accustomed lately," said Adam, though given the quantity of room service they'd been consuming, that was a debatable point. "I could go for a decent meal."
"I just have one more phone call to make," said Kris. "I'm not sure I brought anything particularly nice to wear."
"As long as it's not plaid I'll find it acceptable," said Adam. Actually, he'd be fine with the plaid too. After all these years, he just accepted it as part and parcel of the man. "You calling the kids?"
"Yeah, if we're going out I want to catch them before they're in bed," said Kris. "Actually, it's already getting late isn't it?"
"You make your call and I'll get changed," said Adam, getting up to make his way back to his own room. By the time he was ready to go out, Kris not only would be finished with his call, but would have washed and changed and probably read half a book while waiting for him.
When Adam did arrive it wasn't half a book, but Kris did have a magazine open in front of him. "How's the family tonight?"
"It was mostly Sadie babbling at me," said Kris, beaming up at him a little. "Apparently she's gotten the hang of the phone, even though she's not actually talking that much. Katy had to pry it away from her, I think."
"You'll see them again soon," said Adam, leaning down to kiss the top of Kris's head. "Ready to go?"
"Been ready for a while," said Kris, getting up off the bed and tossing the magazine on the desk. "The concierge recommended a quiet little bistro a couple of blocks from here."
"Perfect," said Adam. "I'll follow you."
While the bistro afforded them more privacy than they'd had outside of the hospital since they arrived, Adam didn't fool himself into thinking they were completely unseen. But he still let his guard down as much as Kris did, and actually enjoyed himself for a while.
He told Kris all about the guy in Venice, all about the day off in Sydney, and Kris told him about Max and Sadie, about the demise of Harry the hamster, and about his plans for the college tour. They'd known each other for years, but sitting there at that side table, splitting a bottle of wine, it was a little like getting to know one another all over again.
It was much later than Adam realized when the wine was gone, desert was finished, and the bistro was starting to look a little empty.
"At least I tip really well," he offered Kris a little sheepishly as he handed over his credit card to the server, but Kris just smiled at him.
"I don't think they're going to complain about us hanging out in here all night," he said. "This place was full from the moment we sat down till the moment they stopped seating people. I don't know, maybe it's always like that, but I don't think we did them any harm."
"Still," said Adam, "I'm not used to staying in one place this long."
"Well, I'd offer to go out for drinks," said Kris, "but I'm pretty sure that when we actually try to move we're going to find we're just about dead on our feet."
He wasn't wrong about that, and the short walk back to the hotel was nice enough for that time of night. They weren't even bothered by anyone, either because the streets were fairly empty or because the dim light kept them from being recognized despite the fact that their presence at the hotel was well known. Or maybe people just decided that tonight was the night to keep a respectful distance.
Whichever it was, Adam was grateful for it, and when they reached Kris's room he was a little reluctant for the evening to come to an end. If they both weren't about ready to fall on their faces, he wouldn't have.
"So I'll see you in the morning," he said, leaning against the wall while Kris had his back to the door, fiddling with the key card behind his back. "Breakfast?"
"Sure," said Kris. "You want me to give you a wake-up call?"
"Yeah, you might want to do that," said Adam with a grin.
Kris smiled back, then finally opened his hotel room door and slipped inside. A moment later Adam returned to his own room, but not before waiting for the door to fully click shut.
DAY FIVE
Adam saw the pictures before he even had his morning coffee, and though they were nothing unexpected, the captions and accompanying articles were. He thought about calling Kris right away, then decided it would probably go better after coffee and gulped down a cup before hitting the vending machine in the hallway and then knocking on Kris's door.
"I feel like I should apologize," he said when Kris opened it, handing him a bottle of orange juice.
"For what?"
"For people jumping to conclusions about last night."
Kris just shrugged though and looked completely unconcerned as he let him inside. Obviously he'd already seen the morning news before Adam ever got there.
"They can jump to conclusions if they want," he said. "It wouldn't be the first time someone thought there was something going on between us."
"And you and I know what it really was anyway," said Adam. Kris didn't answer so quickly this time. "Don't we?"
"Maybe?" said Kris, then, "I'm not sure." His eyes were on his bottle of juice as he twisted it open, much more slowly than he needed to. "Sorry, this probably isn't something you need right now."
"No, it's fine," said Adam, suddenly all kinds of uncertain. "I'm actually not entirely sure what you're saying."
"We've talked about missing each other," said Kris after another prolonged pause, finally looking up again, "and I have been. Maybe more than I've let on. And there are things that I haven't thought about in a long time that I've started thinking about again. But it's not...maybe we shouldn’t talk about this till things here are sorted out. I didn't mean to spring it on you like this."
"No, I want to talk about it," said Adam. "I mean...we are talking about last night maybe being a date, right? If we are, I should probably be a part of that conversation."
"Probably," admitted Kris, smiling at his orange juice as he looked down again. "Sorry. It just didn't seem to be a great time to bring any of this up, what with everything else that's going on. I was planning on sitting on it till everything with Matt settled down a little."
"Well, next time I'm taking you on a date, how about a heads up before I do it?"
He wasn't angry, but Kris looked up at him like he was. "I’m sorry," he said again. "I didn't mean I thought it was a date, just that it being a date wasn't actually outside the realm of possibility. That it wasn't a preposterous conclusion to come to."
"I mean," Adam went on, "if I'd known it was a date, I would've at least tried for a good-night kiss."
Kris smiled a little again, even if he didn't try to claim the kiss that Adam thought was obviously still on offer. "When we got together in LA, for dinner?" he said. "The plans we had? I was going to bring this up, as a possibility. But then all this happened and it sort of got shuffled down my list of priorities."
"I didn't know," said Adam. "I mean...."
It wasn't that he didn't know there was something between him and Kris. There'd always been something between him and Kris, sometimes to an awkward and unsettling degree, but it had never been the right time and place for them. Adam just didn't realize that they'd finally come all the way back around to it again, and this time neither of them had any reason not to pursue it anymore.
"I know what you mean," said Kris. "And I know it had to be me to say it. I just didn't mean to do it quite like this."
"Why don't we try it again," suggested Adam. "With eyes wide open this time. Dinner tonight? Take two?"
"Yeah?" said Kris, looking up at him a little hopefully. "That'd be nice. Same place?"
"Same time, same place," said Adam. "And if it's all over the web again, then so be it. Deal?"
"It's a date, not a business transaction," said Kris, but he screwed the cap back on his orange juice anyway and took Adam's hand. "Deal. I'm looking forward to it."
*
"Hey," said Adam when Neil finally answered the phone on the seventh ring. "What, were you jerking off or something."
"You are in so much trouble," said Neil, completely skipping over hello. "You know Mom's been trying to call you, right?"
"I just talked to her a couple of days ago!" insisted Adam. "I told her everything that was going on here. I even promised I was eating my vegetables."
"I mean today," said Neil. "About the stuff with that Allen kid? She wants to talk to you."
"I'm pretty sure he's not the Allen kid now that he has a couple of his own," said Adam. "She doesn't believe the tabloids now, does she? After all this time?"
"So you're not tapping that ass?" Adam apparently hesitated a moment too long before answering. "Shit, you are."
"I'm not!" said Adam. "Seriously, I’m not."
"What, then?" said Neil. "Because that was a prelude-to-a-confession pause. I know that damn pause, Adam."
"We're going on a date tonight," said Adam, "and if you laugh at me right now I'm skipping over your birthday this year. I mean it."
"Only you," said Neil, "would tear off to Chicago after a friend overdoses, and end up with a date with Kris Allen."
"I didn't exactly plan it this way," said Adam. "Don't tell Mom. I'll call her later."
"Oh yeah, you are absolutely breaking that one to her yourself," agreed Neil. "I am not taking on that burden for you. So since I'm pretty sure you didn't call to update me on your love life, what's up?"
"Liar," said Adam, "you're dying to have some gossip on me. I'm going to need to call her as soon as I get off the phone with you just to get to her first."
"You can't prove anything," said Neil. "Seriously, are you just this bored? You don't know what to do with yourself when you're not out being fabulous?"
"Right, no," said Adam, "I just wanted to let you know that I'm going to be in New York in about two weeks. I'm doing some stuff, but I'm going to have a lot of free time if you wanted to get together?"
"Well, I'm going to have to check my extremely busy schedule, but...uh, yeah, I guess we could do something," said Neil. "Fucktard, of course we're getting together. Do you know what day?"
"Not yet," said Adam, "but as soon as I do, I'll let you know. I'm sorry I missed you last time I was in the city."
"You were busy," said Neil. "When were you even going to fit me in? Have me watch while you got your costume fitted? Because no thanks, I'll pass. I saw enough of you naked when we were kids."
"Still," said Adam. "Next time I'll make time. With no nakedness."
"You're a good brother," said Neil approvingly. "You should go call Mom now before she decides to do an interview just to get the scoop in return."
"She can't be that frantic," said Adam, but she had left him a couple of messages that he hadn't had time to return yet, and called a few more times, and maybe she really was a little worried about him. After all, she knew what it had been like for him on the American Idol tour, and even after so many years in between mothers still had a sense about these things. "Okay, yeah, I'll do that."
"And don't be a fucking stranger," said Neil. "You have my number."
"I do," agreed Adam. "Bye, Neil."
*
"It wasn't a cry for help," said Matt, reaching for the glass of water he kept next to his bed.
"So you're talking to me today?" said Adam, hauling a chair clear across the room so he could sit next to the bed. Matt was dressed, and on top of the covers, but still looked like he didn't want to go anywhere if no one was making him.
"I just wanted you to know it wasn't on purpose," said Matt. "Yesterday Danny asked me if I was trying to kill myself. How crazy is that?"
"You almost did," Adam pointed out. "Do you even know how close it was?"
"Even if the doctors hadn't told me," said Matt, "my mother sure did. But it was just a stupid accident. I was taking some medication and it did something I didn't expect, that's all that happened."
"You're right, that sounds stupid," said Adam, tenting his fingers in front of his face and trying to tamp down the sudden anger that he knew was still mostly fear. "What, sleeping pills? Cough syrup? If you were shooting up instead of snorting coke, that actually could've killed you."
"Something like that," said Matt. "I'll know to be more careful now."
"You know that's not the answer anyone wants to hear," said Adam. "Come on, Matt, you know what this shit does to people. You've seen it. We've all seen it."
"You're not exactly the poster boy for 'just say no' yourself."
"Maybe that's what makes me so qualified to give you shit about it," said Adam. "I know why you do it. I know how it feels. But fuck...you almost died. Dead. Over. And that's fucked up, Matt. That's too far."
"I've heard all this before."
"But not from me," said Adam. "It's easy for someone to say all that when they don't know how good it feels, when they don't get what it does for you in the first place. But I know, Matt. I've been there. And this is too far. You know that. And you know why."
Matt didn't look happy, but the wasn't arguing. "It wasn’t sleeping pills or cough syrup," he said finally. "It was antidepressants." Adam took that in silently, nodding and trying to decide what the right question was to follow that up. "They tell me they counteracted some of the effects of the coke. That's why I took too much."
"Matt, if you tell me that your solution is to go off them," said Adam, "I'm going to hit you. I'm seriously going to break your nose."
He didn't know if the drugs were because of the roller coaster of coke, or for other issues entirely, and it wasn't really his business to ask unless Matt wanted to bring it up. He just knew that prescription drug trumped recreational drug pretty much every time.
"I know enough to be careful now," he said again, and Adam was pretty clear on what he meant by that this time. "This won't happen again."
"Matt...." he said tightly, then stood up and paced away from the side of the bed. "For fuck's sake."
"Adam, you don't know--"
"I don't know what?" he said, turning back to face him. "I don't know what it's like? Really?" Yeah, that shut Matt up for a minute, but it didn't make Adam feel any better. "Yeah, exactly. Look, I'm not asking you to lie to me, but at least give me some clue that you actually get what the problem is here."
"I'd quit if I thought it was a problem," said Matt, "but this didn't happen because I was habitually taking too much. It was just an accident. I get that you're worrying and I'm sorry about that, but you need to trust me that I know what the actual problem was."
"We have to trust you?" said Adam. "How about you trust us? I don't even think you're listening to yourself."
"You don't think I've had a lot of time to think about this?" said Matt. "You overdose and everyone gets the wrong idea. I wasn't trying to kill myself and I wasn't trying to...I don't know what else you think I was trying to do. It was just an accident."
"Matt," said Adam, his voice shaking a little as he struggled to keep his tone even. "You are so full of shit right now." Matt opened his mouth to say something, but Adam cut him off with a fierce hand gesture. "I know you're a smart guy, so I know you know that you're just justifying this shit right now because you don't want to face that you might actually have to do something about this. And you think I'm a safe person to do that with, because unlike your mom or your staff or your therapist, I know what you're going through. But you're wrong. It's because I know what you're going through that I know you're full of shit. Nobody can make you quit fucking yourself up with that shit, but don't pretend that you aren't."
"But you--"
"There's a big difference between trying things out once in a while, and letting them dictate your life," said Adam. "You don't even have to label what you are, Matt, and I don't know. I don't know. But you've really got some shit to get together."
"This is why I wasn't talking to you before," muttered Matt, but Adam saw it, he saw the tiniest, most unexpected smile on Matt's face.
"So you are listening," said Adam. "That's good."
"Yeah, I'm listening," said Matt. "But it really wasn't a suicide attempt. That much I'm sticking by."
"Well, don't let it ever be one," said Adam. "You hear me?"
"Yeah, I hear you," said Matt. "I heard every word you said."
*
They even got the same table, not on display in the front window but not hidden away in the back either. There was a painting of a fiddler nearby and a tealight burning on the table between them.
"Katy knows," said Kris, breaking open a piece of bread. "About me being interested in you."
"I think Katy's always known," said Adam. "As much as there was to know." Which until now hadn't been all that much. "She's a smart woman."
"I mean we've talked about it," said Kris, "since the divorce. We've talked about the possibility of me asking you out. But mostly I called her this afternoon and told her about our date."
"Oh," said Adam. "Really?" Kris's foot came up and just touched his ankle, for a moment. "How'd that go over?"
"It was a good conversation," said Kris. "I'm glad she already knew before today that it was possible, no matter whether you said yes or no. I wanted it out there."
"You really thought I was going to say no?"
"It was always possible," he said, smiling shyly into his drink. "You might've been involved. You might've thought it was bad timing. You might've been too invested in our friendship to want to risk trying for something more."
"The best relationships come out of friendships," said Adam, "and I've always been someone willing to take risks. This doesn't feel like that much of a risk, though."
"No?" said Kris, breaking his bread into smaller pieces. "What does it feel like then?"
"It feels like picking up where we left off, a long time ago," said Adam quietly. "Not literally, I know things never came to this. But in another time and another place we could have had something. I think we both knew that. No, I know we both knew that, even if we never spelled it out."
"And now it's another time and another place," finished Kris. "And I'm glad it's now. I mean, I'm not glad it's now, because I wouldn't really wish for Matt to go through this in order for us to get here, but I’m glad it's now. I wouldn't have been ready six years ago, Katy or no Katy."
"You don't think so?"
"I didn't know where I was at or what I wanted," said Kris, "I just knew that I was feeling things. Maybe without Katy I would've figured them out faster. I don't know. But here we are now, right?"
"Here we are now," said Adam. "Me with a string of failed relationships and you with an ex-wife and two kids."
Kris just smiled, almost laughed. "Maybe that's just how this is supposed to go," he said. "I don't mind if you don't mind."
"I love your kids," said Adam. "And I love--"
"I think it's okay to say it," said Kris when Adam cut himself off abruptly. "I mean, we've been saying it for years."
"Not like this," said Adam stubbornly. "I think I'm going to sit on that for the right moment, actually. And our first date isn't it."
"Or second date," said Kris, "depending on how we're counting."
"First," said Adam firmly, "because I want to do this right."
"Does that mean you're going to try for the kiss this time?" said Kris. "I almost thought you were going to last night, you know. That moment at my door, when we got back to the hotel."
"If anyone was going to last night, it should've been you," said Adam, "and you'd better believe I'm going to be going for the kiss later. Be ready."
"Been ready for a while," said Kris, then picked up his menu and almost, but not quite, hid his coy little smile behind it.
It could've been just like a hundred other dinners he'd had with Kris, and in some ways it was, in the way it was so easy for them to talk, in the way they could read each other so easily, but it was different too. It was different because there was a new kind of tension there, new kinds of looks between them, new kinds of touches and definitely some new intentions. Whatever might've been brewing between them a long time ago, it was nothing compared to what it was like when they both actually let it out.
*
Adam remembered a night just like this one, years ago now. Sitting with Kris on a rooftop under the dim city stars and talking about life, about the future. He remembered feeling this yearning to share it with him in more ways, in every way, and knew Kris had been feeling it too. But the last time Kris had been loyal to his wife, and Adam had been involved, and just because they were feeling the same things didn't mean it was a good idea. There were too many variables, too much else going on, and everything was too new.
None of those things were relevant now.
"I think we're getting to old for this," said Kris, stretching out on the blanket they'd snuck up with them, bracing himself with his hands behind him.
"Just wait till you're this side of thirty," said Adam. "Then you can talk to me about being too old for this."
"I turned thirty on my last birthday," Kris reminded him. "So I can talk about it all I want. It's a nice night, though."
"Shit, you're right," said Adam, and sat down next to him. "When did that happen?"
"June," said Kris, then gave him a cheeky little grin and sat up a little more so that he could offer Adam his hand.
It was a little chilly, the breeze catching them more up here than it would have at street level, but it was still a nice night. A surprisingly quiet, clear night.
"We are in so much trouble if we get caught up here," said Adam after a few moments, as he tangled his fingers with Kris's.
"Hey, I'm the one who said we should go to the park instead," said Kris. "When the police come for us, or the man in the chopper tries to tell us not to jump, just remember that."
"Noted," said Adam, and rested his knee against Kris's and looked up at the sky. "It's been a strange week."
"Yeah, it has," said Kris. Not strange strange, with odd requests and bizarre people and sights they couldn't have imagined, but a different kind of strange. Emotionally strange. "Good, though." He wrinkled up his nose when he said that, in a way that was, and always had been, endearing. "I feel bad saying that."
"Hard and good," said Adam, and felt a little ping of victory when he discovered he was still able to make Kris blush. "But seriously, it has sucked but it's still good because now that this has happened, maybe things can change for him in better ways."
"Like us," said Kris. "Maybe."
"Like us, I hope," said Adam. "I'm not going to pretend I know how this is going to work out yet, but I'm pretty sure it's not going to be bad no matter what it is."
"I really have been thinking about this for a long time," said Kris. "It's both easier and more complicated than it used to be."
"Yeah, I know, right?" said Adam. "But I think maybe we've got our timing a bit better this time."
"I don't regret that this didn't happen before," said Kris. "I had a lot of really happy years. I have Max and Sadie and the idea of never having had them...I just don't want to even think about it. It's unbearable."
"But now that we're here in this moment again," said Adam, "I kind of want to grab hold of it and hang on, you know? Not just us, but a lot of things. I just don't want life to get away from me. I don't want to miss out on friends and birthdays and shooting stars because I've got so much else going on."
"I don't think you have been," said Kris. "You haven't been that person, Adam. Busy is not the same as neglectful."
"No, I know," he said, "but I could be that person. I can see the road to becoming that person and it's laid out right in front of me. And I don't want to be the person that misses out on the best things in life."
"So don't be," said Kris. "I'm pretty sure it's about as easy as it sounds. If you haven't become a complete wreck by this point, I don't think you're going to."
"I just want to make sure," said Adam, "because I can see the good stuff in front of me right now too and it looks really, really good."
"Yeah, it does, doesn't it?" said Kris, and smiled and leaned back on his hand again as they fell silent and enjoyed the momentary peace surrounding them.
They went back downstairs before too long, before a sensor went off in a little room somewhere and a security guard came up to check on the door that was just slightly ajar, before the fall air got any chillier. Or maybe they'd been on camera this entire time, and someone just decided that if they wanted to take their lives into their own hands up here, that was their business.
A famous face bought you a lot, and this was one time Adam wasn't going to question it.
They lingered just inside Kris's door, and this time instead of letting it close with him in the hallway Adam let Kris draw him inside. This time when the door closed, he was on the other side of it.
Neither one of them said anything, and slowly Adam just let instinct take over, leaning in close and pressing his lips to Kris's. It didn't stay chaste for long, and not because of Adam. Kris grabbed a handful of Adam's shirt on either side of his waist and yanked until Adam stumbled backwards against the wall, then Kris was kissing him hard and kissing him thoroughly, no hesitation at all.
Adam let it last as long as he dared, hot and hard with Kris's body pressed up flush against him, but finally he gently pushed Kris away and gulped in a couple of lungfuls of blessedly cool air.
"If I don't leave now," he said, "this is going to be a whole lot more than a good-night kiss."
"I would be okay with that," said Kris. "Just putting that out there."
Adam would be okay with that too, which made it all the harder to put the brakes on. "Got to save something for the second date," he said though, and pressed his hands to Kris's cheeks and kissed him one last time. "I'll see you in the morning."
"Yeah, I've heard that before," said Adam, but Kris was smiling as Adam slipped out again and he knew he was making the right choice.
Tomorrow, however, all bets were off.
--
Part 4