FIC: "I Would Be" (Part 3/4)
Title: I Would Be
Pairing(s): Adam/Kris. References to prior Adam/Brad, Kris/Katy.
Rating: NC-17
Kris was kind of cool towards Adam for the next few days, but Adam was happy enough with that. It wasn't like they talked or really hung out or anything, anyway.
Kris had been looking even more tired than normal, face drawn and white, but tonight he had spots of color blooming in his cheeks, a fiery glint in his eyes. His jaw kept pushing to one side, and it looked like he was literally chewing the inside of his cheek. Adam figured it probably wasn't about him, or not about only him, because it was new. Maybe something at his job.
Adam didn't really care, but Katherine was sort of clingy and whiny tonight and Adam found himself offering to take care of her if Kris wanted to run; he knew Kris loved it, gods knew why. Sometimes when Kris could figure it out, he ran after work when Katherine was still at the sitter's. Personally, Adam only went on an exercise kick when he was feeling particularly fat and ugly.
"No, thanks," Kris said. Predictable, because the guy loved to suffer.
Surprisingly, Katherine piped up. "Adam's funny, daddy. He'll play 'tetend with me, right?"
Adam was surprised; apparently she was talking to him. "Sure! Pretend. Absolutely."
Kris shot him a look and bit his lip, still a good look on him.
"You know you want to," Adam said, gleeful that Kris would never answer back with what he really wanted to say in front of his daughter. But Kris did want to run, he could tell. Before Adam could stop himself, more words came out. "I'll take good care of her. I won't let her out of my sight."
Kris looked at Adam assessingly. Adam put a fake-innocent smile on his face and sat down on the floor. He patted the floor next to him. "Okay, sugar, bring it on. Favorite toy, stat."
Katherine smiled and ran down the hall to their room.
Kris had his hands on his hips.
"Just go. Go! Work on those muscular thighs. It's--" Adam sighed. "Okay, look, you'll be gone, what, half an hour? You know everything about me now. You have my mom's phone number for Christ's sake. I'm not going to hurt her, I'm not going to let her get hurt, Jesus."
Kris nodded. "Yeah. Yeah, okay. Thanks."
"Don't sprain something trying to be polite, just go before she changes her mind."
Kris went. Katherine dragged a bunch of dolls and plastic animals out. At first it was boring, but after a while Adam kind of got into it. He remembered how he and Neil, in rare moments of relative peace, used to compromise on what to play. Adam never wanted to play trucks or race cars or army. Neil never wanted to play dress-up or shopping. So they'd played with plastic figures and blocks, creating whole fantasy worlds.
Pretty soon he and Katherine had the living room set up as sort of a combination zoo and fashion show, but the regular rules of physics didn't seem to apply, because there was a unicorn and a dinosaur, too.
"Make the voices again!" Katherine laughed.
"It's silly to have the pirate voice come from the pretty Barbie," Adam said again.
"I don't care. I like it," she said, pouting adorably.
Adam sighed theatrically. "Arrr. What shall I accessorize with tonight, my precious?"
Katherine laughed so loud Adam didn't realize Kris had come in until he was already in the living room.
"What are you doing?" Kris didn't sound too happy.
"Playing pirate Barbie unicorn land!" Katherine crowed, still smiling.
Kris frowned. "You're gonna get too excited and not be able to sleep."
"But it's so fun, Daddy!" Katherine's face was glowing, like Adam didn't think he'd seen it before, actually.
Kris shook his head. "Well, I'm glad you had fun, but it's gonna be bedtime, so you should take it down a notch." He turned to look at Adam. "I was afraid this would happen." He walked away while Adam was still speechless and trying to formulate a response that was the right amount of cutting that he could say in front of Katherine.
Katherine got quiet and started picking up her toys. It was sad to see her face turn dull again. "It's okay, honey," Adam whispered. "Your daddy won't stay this stupid. I promise."
"Daddy's not stupid! That's mean!"
Adam smiled at her, because at least there was animation in her face again.
Kris hid out in their room that night, but Adam ambushed him in the kitchen. "You need to let her have fun," he said to Kris's back. He wasn't sure why the hell he was saying anything. It wasn't like he particularly cared. There was just something--
Kris stiffened. "Excuse me?" For someone so relatively small and soft-spoken, Kris could certainly bring the intensity. Adam had to fight not to take a step back.
"You heard me."
"I guess you forgot to include the part that explains why you get an opinion." Kris slammed the cupboard door shut and turned around. He looked absolutely delectable, still in his running clothes, dried sweat on his hairline, biceps pushing out of his tight t-shirt.
"It's not an opinion," Adam said. "It's a fact. She never laughs, she hardly smiles."
Kris narrowed his eyes. "Since when are you an expert on three year olds? And I'm gonna repeat this: since when do you have a right to an opinion at all?"
"You're grieving, that's obvious, and that's okay, that's good, but it's not right that she should have to--"
"You don't know anything about us." Kris's voice was flat, angry. "Save your psychobabble pity crap."
Adam shrugged, riveted by the play of Kris's muscles under his t-shirt. He'd never seen him naked, and wow was that stupid. How had he neglected that, how had he never laid Kris out on his bed, stripped the clothes off him to--
"I said, you don't know what you're talking about." Kris advanced on Adam, eyes now blatantly running up and down Adam's body. It was surprisingly hot, having Kris sort of prowl up to him. Adam felt himself respond; bones going a little liquid under Kris's dark eyes. Hmm, that was a feeling he wasn't used to these days; he was used to being the one that had that effect on other people.
"Maybe you need," Adam lowered his voice, "to come closer and persuade me."
Kris's nostrils flared and Adam could see a faint flush running down his cheeks to his neck. He didn't have to wonder whether it went further down; he could tell from Kris's coloring that it would.
"Maybe I do," Kris said, voice deep and a little hoarse. He came right up to Adam and just stuck his thigh between Adam's, pressed right up against him. Adam could feel his body heat through their layers of clothing; gasped when Kris's lips touched the base of his neck. His mouth was lush and precise. When Adam felt Kris's tongue, just a slight flick, Adam's legs felt weak and he sighed. God, he was going to have to give this kitchen a commemorative name or something, since he'd been having such hot sex in here recently. It was pretty awesome that Kris wanted to--
Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Kris's hands were sliding down Adam's ass, and his hard length was burning into Adam's. This was--This wasn't something Kris wanted, he'd asked Adam--Fuck.
"No." Adam could hardly believe he said it. "No," he added, when Kris's hands kept roaming. "You said," he gasped, "you said no, no more."
"Yeah, well, screw that." Kris palmed Adam's ass just the way Adam liked. "And shut up, too. This works better when we don't talk."
Mmm, Kris was being a little dommy. Adam wondered what it would be like, being with a guy like this over time. There was some kind of dynamic going on here he wasn't used to, like a switch type thing, but only once in a while, because Kris was a perfect bottom, all pliable under Adam's--Shit. "No. No, no, no." Adam slid out away from Kris's hands. "Fuck. You said no. I think you meant it."
Kris rolled his eyes and huffed out a breath of air. "Yeah, see, why are you picking now to be all noble."
"It's not noble, it's just--Forget it," Adam said.
"Damnit. It's not a big deal, just--" Kris took a deep breath, then shook his head slowly. "Okay. Okay, yeah. Yeah, you're right. Uh. Sorry." He reached up and scratched the back of his neck. "I just." He pressed his lips together. "Forget it." He walked out of the kitchen.
Adam had a raging hard-on and a headache. Why the fuck had he picked tonight to get all noble? And who the fuck did Kris think he was, anyway, that he was relying on Adam to keep him on the straight and narrow? So to speak.
Adam slammed his fist into the closest cupboard and went to bed to jerk off.
* * *
Kris didn't say a word on the way home the next night, just picked Adam up from Charlie's, silent.
That was fine with Adam. He was exhausted and horny and really needed to score some coke or something stronger than picked-over weed. He ached everywhere from standing so long and his throat hurt from trying to sing over the crappy, noisy crowd. It was good Charlie was back, because he needed the paycheck, but it still sucked having to deal with him.
By the time they got home he was too tired to join his boys partying; a call to Cass and that was done. He grabbed his iPod and sat on the sofa in the living room, lights off; his room seemed too depressing right now.
He pressed play on his emo list and leaned his head back on the sofa, closed his eyes. Everything just seemed so... dead-end. He felt old and used-up, and he wasn't even quite twenty-eight. But shit, he'd thought he'd be somewhere really different by now. Maybe he just needed to pack it in, like he'd been thinking for a while, do something else for money and have music on the side.
He felt the sofa dip. He opened his eyes, wary. Kris was there on the next cushion over, looking at Adam. He made a face, pressing his lips together and raising his eyebrows; Adam thought maybe it was apologetic.
Yeah, well, fuck that. Adam closed his eyes.
After a minute he felt a hand close around his arm. He sighed and opened his eyes, pulled off the headphones. "Yeah, what?"
"Look," Kris said. "I." He rolled his eyes and pressed his fingers to his temple. Maybe he had a headache, too. He laughed half-heartedly. "This shouldn't be so hard. Look, man, I'm sorry. I was a jerk, and you--You were great. I just got mad because, well, frustrated." He sighed. "Kind of with everything right now, a little." He did the lip pressing-together thing again. "Really, sorry. And thank you. I wouldn't have been happy with myself if, well, you know."
Adam did know. But Kris meant his apology, he could tell, and besides Adam was tired, really tired. He waved his hand toward Kris. "Okay, don't sweat it."
Kris nodded and breathed out hard. After a pause he said, carefully, "So, whatcha listening to?"
Now it was Adam's turn to roll his eyes. "I titled this list, 'Emo Why Are You So Emo'." He held up the iPod.
"Can I see?"
Adam felt weirdly self-protective about it, but nodded and handed it to Kris. "Try to keep the mocking to a dull roar."
Kris flipped through the list with a small smile. "Man, you've got awesome stuff on here, actually." He quirked a half-smile at Adam. "The Celine might be a little gay, though."
Before Adam could flip him off, Kris said, "Hmm, you have the Buckley Hallelujah instead of the Wainright?"
"I've got Wainright, too, just on a different list. Plus a rip of one of my friends doing it. Alisan's got this really cool voice, totally sick. Here, listen." He remembered the plans they'd cooked up, him and Ali, the songs they'd written and recorded on the cheap, tried to market as demos.
Kris did, concentrating hard, then smiled. "Beautiful." He reached in his pocket, pulled out his own iPod. "Check this out." He handed Adam his iPod and Adam dutifully listened. He was hearing--What was he hearing? He glanced at the playlist name: "So Emo Yes I Am Pathetic." He couldn't help it, he laughed; it came bubbling up into his throat.
Kris laughed, too. "Great minds. But have you heard this one?"
Adam thought maybe he had once, because it sounded slightly familiar. "Mmm, nice."
"Yeah. I think it'd be better, though, to change up the time signature, maybe just on the chorus?"
"Show me?" Adam tried not to say it like a question, like there wasn't history between them surrounding Kris singing.
Kris looked at him for a few seconds.
"I'm sorry, too," Adam said. "I didn't mean it. I like listening to you."
Kris watched his face some more, then nodded. "Okay. Okay, if you'll sing some, too? Or give me some advice, opinions? I'm still trying to sell some of my stuff, and feedback would be great."
"Your stuff?" Adam was confused.
"Well, you know, I mean--" Kris looked flustered, looked down and picked up his guitar. "Not, not really. It's just a thing I sometimes--"
"Wait. You wrote those songs? That explains why I couldn't--Are you shitting me?"
Kris blushed; Adam could see it even in the low light coming in from the kitchen. "It's not a big deal. They're just some things I threw together."
"Holy crap. I thought I didn't recognize the melodies! I thought I was losing it, because I know pretty much every song, ever."
Kris gave him a look Adam couldn't interpret at first. "Dude."
Now it was Adam's turn to flush. "I kind of listened?"
Kris was starting to look pissed off. Adam put a hand on his arm. "No, see. I just--I couldn't help it. They kind of got into my head. And I miss just, just playing around with music, you know? Everything I do now is so, well, programmed. I've done it all a million times."
Kris relaxed back into the sofa, looking at Adam speculatively. "Okay, yeah, I can see that. So," he started strumming the guitar softly, "pick your poison."
"What was the song you were going to show me? Just, do whatever you were going to do."
Kris strummed a couple of chords. "Well, it's from a movie. Have you seen Once?"
"Yeah." Adam had seen it, coming off of Brad and lying in the dark.
"So the song, you know, 'Falling Slowly'?" Kris flashed him a smile with some teeth. "It's on my Emo List." He bent over the guitar and played, singing soft and low. His voice sounded amazing like that, actually, smooth like honey, gravel in some of the spots. When he went up, it strained a little, but the passion he put in it made listening into an experience. Adam realized he was holding his breath waiting for the next verse; he wanted to hear that sweet low croon.
When Kris finished, Adam smiled at him. "Beautiful."
"No, no, but the song is. It was something we--" Kris bit off his words and looked away.
Adam took a breath. "How about you show me some of the changed-up classics stuff you do? I think I heard 'Ain't No Sunshine', and I could have sworn some Dylan?"
Kris nodded. "Yeah. Yeah, sure. I just mess around with stuff." Kris started playing a version of 'Ain't No Sunshine' that somehow modernized it and tapped into its bluesy roots at the same time.
Adam wondered what it was like for Kris, singing a love song like that, singing all these love songs, when his wife--"Play me the one, something about a guitar? One you wrote, I think?" he asked the next time there was a pause.
Kris looked away, swallowed, then looked back at Adam. "If you'll sing later. Sing something. Not the kind of stuff--Well, just sing something you care about."
It was strangely frightening, the thought of singing for real, just him and Kris, but Adam refused to be such a wuss. "Sure. Okay."
"This one's called 'Red Guitar'," Kris mumbled. "I wrote it a while ago. I'd probably do better now, make it more complex." He took a deep breath. He looked--He looked scared. Maybe Adam wasn't the only one who knew what music could reveal.
Adam waited quietly. He wanted to put his hand on Kris's shoulder, or push the hair out of his eyes; anything to reassure him. But he didn't, because that wasn't what was going on here.
Adam closed his eyes and leaned back against the sofa. Maybe that would help Kris, give him the illusion he was alone. Kris started, soft and tentative, then built slowly. The music wove in and through Adam. He could totally hear this on the radio. It'd be perfect on his Emo Playlist, he thought, opening his eyes when Kris finished. His throat felt full.
"Beautiful." He smiled at Kris, more himself than he'd been in a while. Something about the deceptively simple melody, the complex lyrics... "Beautiful. I don't know whether to cry or smile."
Kris's eyes flew to Adam's face. Adam could see something relax in Kris, something that was holding part of him back, hiding from Adam. Only fair, Adam thought, since he'd been acting like he didn't have feelings or talk about them for a long time now. That'd never been the type of person he was, and it made him a little sick to think of how he'd been blocking all of that. "Another?"
Kris nodded, obviously thinking. "This one... it's, well." He threw a glance at Adam under his lashes. "Everyone has problems sometimes, right?"
"Sure." Kris started playing a downward scale, then sang, unique melody against a backbeat, lyrics painting the challenges in a relationship, determination to make it work. Adam's mouth opened and stayed there. This was incredible, radio material if he'd ever heard it. He wished he hadn't burned his bridges with George, because this should be shopped around.
"Total earworm!" he said when Kris finished. "Before we come undone..."
"Cool." Kris looked at Adam. "Now you."
"I have a couple of things I've written, but they're shit. But, do you know Crazy?"
Kris did. Adam held it back, of course; Katherine was sleeping in the next room. They just went for it, taking turns. By the second time through, Adam was running harmonies around Kris, then switching to melody while Kris did backup. Kris played really well, actually, instinctively following Adam's phrasing.
"I'd love to hear you do that letting loose," Kris said when they were done. His smile curled into something sweet that made Adam smile back, automatic. "I can't even imagine."
"Can you take something I'm doing and arrange it better?" Adam asked.
Kris could, and did. They kept it up for hours. Adam was exhausted, but it was the good kind, like staying up all night high on an idea or at Burning Man.
"Oh, man, look at the time." Kris shook his head. "I've gotta be up in, like, less than four hours."
"Sorry." Adam thought for a minute. "Listen, you want me to take Katherine to Mrs. Hanlan's? We could go on the bus."
"Nah, it's okay. But thanks." Kris stood up and stretched. His shirt rode up. There was a stretch of stomach, muscled and flawless. "I'm hittin' it."
"Yeah, me, too." Adam followed Kris down the corridor. They both stopped in front of Kris's door. Kris looked up at Adam. "Well, goodnight."
Adam swallowed. "Yeah. 'Night." Neither one of them moved. Adam's eyes dropped automatically to Kris's lips.
Kris smiled. "'Night." His voice was nighttime-husky, soft and open. Adam watched him open the door and walk in, shut it behind him.
Kris's songs played in his head as he curled in his blankets.
* * *
They started watching Idol together, Katherine usually playing at their feet for a while, then curling up on Kris's lap to sleep. Adam had just walked right into the living room the night the season started and turned it on, ready to be defiant.
"You, too?" Kris grinned, instead.
"Guilty pleasure." Adam grinned back. "Besides, I'm pretty much a queen. This is in the Rule Book."
Kris rolled his eyes. "Yeah. It's embarrassing. And I hate it most of the time, the crap they sing, and all the stupid games."
"But the music, the stories..."
"Yeah," Kris said. "Yeah. Hey, the curry should be ready." He glanced down at Katherine, sacked out on his lap. His fingers stroked her hair gently. "Thanks for playing with her. You're better at that stuff than me. Katy was always the one..."
Adam wanted to squeeze Kris's hand, but he just smiled gently when it was clear Kris wasn't going to talk any more. "I'll get you a plate." Turned out, Kris was a great cook. Adam had been saving money because of it. They read the ads, shopped specials. And Kris could turn chicken into anything. In turn, Adam played with Katherine while Kris jogged or worked out at the shitty exercise room in their complex.
"Did you watch last year? With Gokey?" Kris asked during the commercials.
"Oh. My. God. What was that? Who did you like?"
"Allison all the way. I don't like the way they're sticking her into the teen niche, but I've never heard a voice like that."
"And what she said to Simon!" Adam cackled. "She's like a masterclass of sarcasm."
"Do you think they'll finally get someone this year who isn't into the whole hokey thing? Like Allison, but older?"
Adam shook his head. "There's always hope. It's funny. There was a time...I actually thought about trying out for this once.
"You shitting me? Me, too. Why didn't you? Are you serious; you'd win in a heartbeat."
Adam opened his mouth, but no. "I--Long story."
Kris watched him for a minute. "Okay. Me, too."
"What's your story?"Adam hadn't meant to ask, but it slipped out.
Kris looked down at his daughter. His eyes went to a faraway place. "I--Yeah, no, not right now."
Adam's throat felt tight but he just nodded and stood up. "Ice cream coming up."
* * *
It was almost like Adam was leading two lives now. Weirdly domestic at home, dealing with Katherine or talking about music stuff with Kris, falling into worse and worse crap working. Tonight was no exception. Hecklers threw all the usual at him: tranny, fag, plus there was the smell of booze on the bills people shoved at him, the sad lives of the regulars. He didn't even hear it any more, or see it, most of the time, but it was all getting so old.
What he needed was a hot hook-up to get his mind off everything. He'd spotted his target, a young guy in brown who'd been eying him. He should have plenty of time before his next set. Just when he was pushing the guy up against the wall in the back, his cell rang. Jesus fuck. He didn't recognize the number and was tempted not to answer, but it sort of rang a bell.
It was the sitter, Mrs. Hanlan. She'd been trying to get Kris, but kept getting his voice mail. Katherine was really sick, had a high fever, was asking for her daddy. Kris had given her Adam's number for emergencies, it turned out.
Adam shoved the hot little number away. "Call me a cab," he yelled to Alfredo behind the bar. "Should you call 911?" he asked Mrs. Hanlan. No, she thought it was all under control for now, but the little girl needed to go home.
When Adam got there, he took one look and carried Katherine to the taxi, asked for the closest hospital. "Somewhere good, though, not some shit hole." The cabbie nodded, serious. A photo of three smiling kids under the visor made Adam feel a little better; this guy was going to get them somewhere fast, somewhere good.
"She's burning up," Adam said to the Emergency Room admit people. "And won't answer me any more, except with nonsense." His chest was all tight. Katherine looked so small, helpless, lying on the table as the docs looked her over.
He dialed Kris, leaving him message after message. Where the hell was he?
A doctor appeared. "Okay, listen, we need to give her some antibiotics. Is she allergic?"
"I--I don't know. I'm just a, a friend." Adam thought hard. "I don't think so. I remember some pink stuff in the fridge, and she was fine. Oh!" He reached in his pocket. "Here's the information and permission thing from her father. The sitter gave it to me when I picked her up, in case."
The doctor nodded. "Good enough. She's got pneumonia. It can come on fast at this age, and be hard to spot. And dangerous. Good work getting her here."
"Is she...?"
The doctor nodded. "She should be okay. No guarantees, you never know for sure. Her fever is really high, but that's a good thing overall. We'll know in a few hours. We're going to hit it with some powerful stuff."
Adam was sitting beside her bed an hour or so later, where she was hooked up to a bunch of machines, a line snaked into her arm, mask over her face, holding her hand, when he heard the door slam open.
"Baby! Oh my god, sweetheart." Kris ran to the side of the bed next to Adam's chair and leaned over, cradling Katherine in his arms. He scooped her close, careful of the IV line and mask. "Baby, baby, precious, I'm sorry, I'm sorry I wasn't there." He buried his face in her hair. Adam could hardly watch, but couldn't look away.
"She's going to be okay, almost for sure," he said, as quietly as he could. "She's doing better, they think."
Kris turned to look at him, face white. "I was at a business dinner about selling more shoes. Marketing." Adam could hear the disdainful air quotes around 'business dinner' and 'marketing.'" I was sitting in a fancy restaurant talking about guerrilla marketing of a shoe brand when my daughter, when my daughter--" he buried his face in Katherine's hair again.
"It's not your fault," Adam tried. "You're always there for her, she knows that."
Kris reached a hand out blindly, wrapped it around Adam's on Katherine's. Adam swallowed and breathed out hard. It was all the tension, racing Katherine here, handling the doctors' questions.
Kris slid down to the side of the bed, kneeling next to where Adam was sitting, leaned his forehead on their joined hands. "I haven't, in so long, I haven't prayed. I'm sorry," he said to Adam, "but I've gotta, I've gotta..."
"Shhh, of course," Adam said, letting his other hand squeeze Kris's shoulder. "Do what you need to do."
Kris bowed his head again and mouthed silent words. Adam didn't believe in God, but he thought there might be a kind of energy that love like this could bring. He let himself do it, too, join Kris in his own way; something he hadn't done for a long time, the silent sending of energy out into the Universe, the gathering of love in his heart.
After a long span of time, he said softly, "I kind of need to go, now that you're here... Call me right away, though, if anything happens, okay?"
"Oh. Oh, sure, sorry." Kris moved his hand and Adam left. And yeah, he was screwed, because Charlie took one look at him and just motioned to the stage. Adam sang, mind elsewhere the whole time. "You owe me," Charlie said nastily after Adam's set. "No time now, but you owe me. Got that? Because you're out of here, otherwise."
Adam nodded. What difference did it make, anyway? It wasn't like he'd hadn't given blowjobs a million times.
The next evening they released Katherine. Kris carried her in, asleep in his arms, straight to the bedroom. Adam eyed the door; Kris had left it cracked open. He really wanted an update, and honestly, to see how Kris was doing. He probably hadn't even eaten.
They were sprawled on the bed, Kris still with clothes on, arms around Katherine. Adam couldn't see his face. Probably asleep already.
As he turned to leave, Kris moved, turned and looked at Adam. His eyes were dark smudges, face paler than Adam had ever seen it. He looked--He looked like he was freaking out.
Adam took a step toward him, then stopped himself. Kris looked at him and bit his lip, then uncurled himself from around Katherine and lifted his hand, held it out towards Adam, eyebrows raised in an invitation.
Adam breathed out hard and was at the edge of the bed in seconds. He took Kris's hand, and Kris pulled him down to sit at the edge of the bed. Adam looked at Kris. "How are you doing?" he whispered.
Kris shook his head. "Nothing's gonna wake her up right now, with the stuff she's on."
"Then, how are you?" Adam repeated, still modulating his voice.
"I'm fine," Kris attempted, only his voice broke on "fine."
"Oh, honey," Adam said quietly, not even trying to stop himself, and turned, gathered Kris up in his arms, pulled him up into his chest. Kris's head fit perfectly in his neck. Kris resisted for a second, then gave up, burying his face in Adam's shoulder. "It's okay." Adam's chest felt tight. "Let it out. It doesn't matter, it's okay, here."
"I can't--Thank you. Thank you for today. If anything ever happened to her--I couldn't stand it, I couldn't go on, I just couldn't. Not after--"
"Your wife..." Adam whispered, laying it there softly, carefully.
"She..." Kris whispered. "She, Katy, she got sick right after we had Katherine. She, that's how they found it, routine blood work after." He barked out a sickly laugh into Adam's chest. "We had everything ahead of us. We didn't mean to get pregnant, but we did, and we were happy, so happy once we got used to the idea. And then--"
"What was it?"
"Cancer, breast cancer, can you imagine, she was so young, only it was the bad type. We--She was so brave. She, I had to watch. The surgeries, the chemo that made her so sick, everything. She had to say goodbye to Katherine, made a video. I--I couldn't stand it. We loved each other so much. We'd been friends forever, since junior high."
Adam squeezed Kris tighter, let one hand stroke his head.
"We could talk about anything, anything. She knew I was bi, she knew what I thought about God, she knew what turned me on. But we couldn't talk about her dying. I couldn't talk about it. Even when she wanted to. And I--" Kris cut himself off.
"It's okay," Adam whispered into Kris's hair, stroking his head, his back. "Let it out." He was sure Kris never had. "It's safe, I promise. I won't--It's safe." He glanced over; Katherine was fast asleep, dead to the world.
Kris took a huge shuddery breath, then started to shake. He muffled it in Adam's shirt, still fighting it, but losing, thank fuck. Adam's eyes stung and his heart hurt. Kris had to live with all of that, live with it every single day, carry on and be strong because of his kid. It was--He was so brave.
He must have accidentally said it out loud, because Kris laughed, snorting because he was crying at the same time. "What a joke. I'm not brave, I'm the opposite. I just--I just exist, you know?"
"No, you're doing what you need to do. You're keeping it real. That's brave."
Kris sighed into Adam's chest, hands still clenched in his shirt. He eased back onto the bed, tugging at Adam.
Adam let himself be pulled down onto the bed, be wrapped in Kris's arms all the way around his back, Kris's face still pressed into his chest. Kris had stopped shaking and just lay there, breathing hard. It was so warm, Kris right there, next to him.
After a long time Kris pulled back, covered his eyes with his hand.
"No, it was good you did that," Adam said, going up on his elbows and gently moving Kris's hand from over his face.
Kris scrunched up his face self-deprecatingly, but kept his hand away, looked straight up at Adam. He was--He was beautiful, lying there all open, letting Adam see, meeting his eyes. There were just a few inches between them...
Kris got very quiet, not moving. Time seemed to stretch, slow.
Adam swallowed, then pushed slowly up to a sit. "Well. I'm going to hit it."
"Yeah, okay."
It was really hard to stand up and walk out. Adam felt Kris's eyes on him all the way to the door.
* * *
--
Part 4.
Pairing(s): Adam/Kris. References to prior Adam/Brad, Kris/Katy.
Rating: NC-17
Kris was kind of cool towards Adam for the next few days, but Adam was happy enough with that. It wasn't like they talked or really hung out or anything, anyway.
Kris had been looking even more tired than normal, face drawn and white, but tonight he had spots of color blooming in his cheeks, a fiery glint in his eyes. His jaw kept pushing to one side, and it looked like he was literally chewing the inside of his cheek. Adam figured it probably wasn't about him, or not about only him, because it was new. Maybe something at his job.
Adam didn't really care, but Katherine was sort of clingy and whiny tonight and Adam found himself offering to take care of her if Kris wanted to run; he knew Kris loved it, gods knew why. Sometimes when Kris could figure it out, he ran after work when Katherine was still at the sitter's. Personally, Adam only went on an exercise kick when he was feeling particularly fat and ugly.
"No, thanks," Kris said. Predictable, because the guy loved to suffer.
Surprisingly, Katherine piped up. "Adam's funny, daddy. He'll play 'tetend with me, right?"
Adam was surprised; apparently she was talking to him. "Sure! Pretend. Absolutely."
Kris shot him a look and bit his lip, still a good look on him.
"You know you want to," Adam said, gleeful that Kris would never answer back with what he really wanted to say in front of his daughter. But Kris did want to run, he could tell. Before Adam could stop himself, more words came out. "I'll take good care of her. I won't let her out of my sight."
Kris looked at Adam assessingly. Adam put a fake-innocent smile on his face and sat down on the floor. He patted the floor next to him. "Okay, sugar, bring it on. Favorite toy, stat."
Katherine smiled and ran down the hall to their room.
Kris had his hands on his hips.
"Just go. Go! Work on those muscular thighs. It's--" Adam sighed. "Okay, look, you'll be gone, what, half an hour? You know everything about me now. You have my mom's phone number for Christ's sake. I'm not going to hurt her, I'm not going to let her get hurt, Jesus."
Kris nodded. "Yeah. Yeah, okay. Thanks."
"Don't sprain something trying to be polite, just go before she changes her mind."
Kris went. Katherine dragged a bunch of dolls and plastic animals out. At first it was boring, but after a while Adam kind of got into it. He remembered how he and Neil, in rare moments of relative peace, used to compromise on what to play. Adam never wanted to play trucks or race cars or army. Neil never wanted to play dress-up or shopping. So they'd played with plastic figures and blocks, creating whole fantasy worlds.
Pretty soon he and Katherine had the living room set up as sort of a combination zoo and fashion show, but the regular rules of physics didn't seem to apply, because there was a unicorn and a dinosaur, too.
"Make the voices again!" Katherine laughed.
"It's silly to have the pirate voice come from the pretty Barbie," Adam said again.
"I don't care. I like it," she said, pouting adorably.
Adam sighed theatrically. "Arrr. What shall I accessorize with tonight, my precious?"
Katherine laughed so loud Adam didn't realize Kris had come in until he was already in the living room.
"What are you doing?" Kris didn't sound too happy.
"Playing pirate Barbie unicorn land!" Katherine crowed, still smiling.
Kris frowned. "You're gonna get too excited and not be able to sleep."
"But it's so fun, Daddy!" Katherine's face was glowing, like Adam didn't think he'd seen it before, actually.
Kris shook his head. "Well, I'm glad you had fun, but it's gonna be bedtime, so you should take it down a notch." He turned to look at Adam. "I was afraid this would happen." He walked away while Adam was still speechless and trying to formulate a response that was the right amount of cutting that he could say in front of Katherine.
Katherine got quiet and started picking up her toys. It was sad to see her face turn dull again. "It's okay, honey," Adam whispered. "Your daddy won't stay this stupid. I promise."
"Daddy's not stupid! That's mean!"
Adam smiled at her, because at least there was animation in her face again.
Kris hid out in their room that night, but Adam ambushed him in the kitchen. "You need to let her have fun," he said to Kris's back. He wasn't sure why the hell he was saying anything. It wasn't like he particularly cared. There was just something--
Kris stiffened. "Excuse me?" For someone so relatively small and soft-spoken, Kris could certainly bring the intensity. Adam had to fight not to take a step back.
"You heard me."
"I guess you forgot to include the part that explains why you get an opinion." Kris slammed the cupboard door shut and turned around. He looked absolutely delectable, still in his running clothes, dried sweat on his hairline, biceps pushing out of his tight t-shirt.
"It's not an opinion," Adam said. "It's a fact. She never laughs, she hardly smiles."
Kris narrowed his eyes. "Since when are you an expert on three year olds? And I'm gonna repeat this: since when do you have a right to an opinion at all?"
"You're grieving, that's obvious, and that's okay, that's good, but it's not right that she should have to--"
"You don't know anything about us." Kris's voice was flat, angry. "Save your psychobabble pity crap."
Adam shrugged, riveted by the play of Kris's muscles under his t-shirt. He'd never seen him naked, and wow was that stupid. How had he neglected that, how had he never laid Kris out on his bed, stripped the clothes off him to--
"I said, you don't know what you're talking about." Kris advanced on Adam, eyes now blatantly running up and down Adam's body. It was surprisingly hot, having Kris sort of prowl up to him. Adam felt himself respond; bones going a little liquid under Kris's dark eyes. Hmm, that was a feeling he wasn't used to these days; he was used to being the one that had that effect on other people.
"Maybe you need," Adam lowered his voice, "to come closer and persuade me."
Kris's nostrils flared and Adam could see a faint flush running down his cheeks to his neck. He didn't have to wonder whether it went further down; he could tell from Kris's coloring that it would.
"Maybe I do," Kris said, voice deep and a little hoarse. He came right up to Adam and just stuck his thigh between Adam's, pressed right up against him. Adam could feel his body heat through their layers of clothing; gasped when Kris's lips touched the base of his neck. His mouth was lush and precise. When Adam felt Kris's tongue, just a slight flick, Adam's legs felt weak and he sighed. God, he was going to have to give this kitchen a commemorative name or something, since he'd been having such hot sex in here recently. It was pretty awesome that Kris wanted to--
Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Kris's hands were sliding down Adam's ass, and his hard length was burning into Adam's. This was--This wasn't something Kris wanted, he'd asked Adam--Fuck.
"No." Adam could hardly believe he said it. "No," he added, when Kris's hands kept roaming. "You said," he gasped, "you said no, no more."
"Yeah, well, screw that." Kris palmed Adam's ass just the way Adam liked. "And shut up, too. This works better when we don't talk."
Mmm, Kris was being a little dommy. Adam wondered what it would be like, being with a guy like this over time. There was some kind of dynamic going on here he wasn't used to, like a switch type thing, but only once in a while, because Kris was a perfect bottom, all pliable under Adam's--Shit. "No. No, no, no." Adam slid out away from Kris's hands. "Fuck. You said no. I think you meant it."
Kris rolled his eyes and huffed out a breath of air. "Yeah, see, why are you picking now to be all noble."
"It's not noble, it's just--Forget it," Adam said.
"Damnit. It's not a big deal, just--" Kris took a deep breath, then shook his head slowly. "Okay. Okay, yeah. Yeah, you're right. Uh. Sorry." He reached up and scratched the back of his neck. "I just." He pressed his lips together. "Forget it." He walked out of the kitchen.
Adam had a raging hard-on and a headache. Why the fuck had he picked tonight to get all noble? And who the fuck did Kris think he was, anyway, that he was relying on Adam to keep him on the straight and narrow? So to speak.
Adam slammed his fist into the closest cupboard and went to bed to jerk off.
* * *
Kris didn't say a word on the way home the next night, just picked Adam up from Charlie's, silent.
That was fine with Adam. He was exhausted and horny and really needed to score some coke or something stronger than picked-over weed. He ached everywhere from standing so long and his throat hurt from trying to sing over the crappy, noisy crowd. It was good Charlie was back, because he needed the paycheck, but it still sucked having to deal with him.
By the time they got home he was too tired to join his boys partying; a call to Cass and that was done. He grabbed his iPod and sat on the sofa in the living room, lights off; his room seemed too depressing right now.
He pressed play on his emo list and leaned his head back on the sofa, closed his eyes. Everything just seemed so... dead-end. He felt old and used-up, and he wasn't even quite twenty-eight. But shit, he'd thought he'd be somewhere really different by now. Maybe he just needed to pack it in, like he'd been thinking for a while, do something else for money and have music on the side.
He felt the sofa dip. He opened his eyes, wary. Kris was there on the next cushion over, looking at Adam. He made a face, pressing his lips together and raising his eyebrows; Adam thought maybe it was apologetic.
Yeah, well, fuck that. Adam closed his eyes.
After a minute he felt a hand close around his arm. He sighed and opened his eyes, pulled off the headphones. "Yeah, what?"
"Look," Kris said. "I." He rolled his eyes and pressed his fingers to his temple. Maybe he had a headache, too. He laughed half-heartedly. "This shouldn't be so hard. Look, man, I'm sorry. I was a jerk, and you--You were great. I just got mad because, well, frustrated." He sighed. "Kind of with everything right now, a little." He did the lip pressing-together thing again. "Really, sorry. And thank you. I wouldn't have been happy with myself if, well, you know."
Adam did know. But Kris meant his apology, he could tell, and besides Adam was tired, really tired. He waved his hand toward Kris. "Okay, don't sweat it."
Kris nodded and breathed out hard. After a pause he said, carefully, "So, whatcha listening to?"
Now it was Adam's turn to roll his eyes. "I titled this list, 'Emo Why Are You So Emo'." He held up the iPod.
"Can I see?"
Adam felt weirdly self-protective about it, but nodded and handed it to Kris. "Try to keep the mocking to a dull roar."
Kris flipped through the list with a small smile. "Man, you've got awesome stuff on here, actually." He quirked a half-smile at Adam. "The Celine might be a little gay, though."
Before Adam could flip him off, Kris said, "Hmm, you have the Buckley Hallelujah instead of the Wainright?"
"I've got Wainright, too, just on a different list. Plus a rip of one of my friends doing it. Alisan's got this really cool voice, totally sick. Here, listen." He remembered the plans they'd cooked up, him and Ali, the songs they'd written and recorded on the cheap, tried to market as demos.
Kris did, concentrating hard, then smiled. "Beautiful." He reached in his pocket, pulled out his own iPod. "Check this out." He handed Adam his iPod and Adam dutifully listened. He was hearing--What was he hearing? He glanced at the playlist name: "So Emo Yes I Am Pathetic." He couldn't help it, he laughed; it came bubbling up into his throat.
Kris laughed, too. "Great minds. But have you heard this one?"
Adam thought maybe he had once, because it sounded slightly familiar. "Mmm, nice."
"Yeah. I think it'd be better, though, to change up the time signature, maybe just on the chorus?"
"Show me?" Adam tried not to say it like a question, like there wasn't history between them surrounding Kris singing.
Kris looked at him for a few seconds.
"I'm sorry, too," Adam said. "I didn't mean it. I like listening to you."
Kris watched his face some more, then nodded. "Okay. Okay, if you'll sing some, too? Or give me some advice, opinions? I'm still trying to sell some of my stuff, and feedback would be great."
"Your stuff?" Adam was confused.
"Well, you know, I mean--" Kris looked flustered, looked down and picked up his guitar. "Not, not really. It's just a thing I sometimes--"
"Wait. You wrote those songs? That explains why I couldn't--Are you shitting me?"
Kris blushed; Adam could see it even in the low light coming in from the kitchen. "It's not a big deal. They're just some things I threw together."
"Holy crap. I thought I didn't recognize the melodies! I thought I was losing it, because I know pretty much every song, ever."
Kris gave him a look Adam couldn't interpret at first. "Dude."
Now it was Adam's turn to flush. "I kind of listened?"
Kris was starting to look pissed off. Adam put a hand on his arm. "No, see. I just--I couldn't help it. They kind of got into my head. And I miss just, just playing around with music, you know? Everything I do now is so, well, programmed. I've done it all a million times."
Kris relaxed back into the sofa, looking at Adam speculatively. "Okay, yeah, I can see that. So," he started strumming the guitar softly, "pick your poison."
"What was the song you were going to show me? Just, do whatever you were going to do."
Kris strummed a couple of chords. "Well, it's from a movie. Have you seen Once?"
"Yeah." Adam had seen it, coming off of Brad and lying in the dark.
"So the song, you know, 'Falling Slowly'?" Kris flashed him a smile with some teeth. "It's on my Emo List." He bent over the guitar and played, singing soft and low. His voice sounded amazing like that, actually, smooth like honey, gravel in some of the spots. When he went up, it strained a little, but the passion he put in it made listening into an experience. Adam realized he was holding his breath waiting for the next verse; he wanted to hear that sweet low croon.
When Kris finished, Adam smiled at him. "Beautiful."
"No, no, but the song is. It was something we--" Kris bit off his words and looked away.
Adam took a breath. "How about you show me some of the changed-up classics stuff you do? I think I heard 'Ain't No Sunshine', and I could have sworn some Dylan?"
Kris nodded. "Yeah. Yeah, sure. I just mess around with stuff." Kris started playing a version of 'Ain't No Sunshine' that somehow modernized it and tapped into its bluesy roots at the same time.
Adam wondered what it was like for Kris, singing a love song like that, singing all these love songs, when his wife--"Play me the one, something about a guitar? One you wrote, I think?" he asked the next time there was a pause.
Kris looked away, swallowed, then looked back at Adam. "If you'll sing later. Sing something. Not the kind of stuff--Well, just sing something you care about."
It was strangely frightening, the thought of singing for real, just him and Kris, but Adam refused to be such a wuss. "Sure. Okay."
"This one's called 'Red Guitar'," Kris mumbled. "I wrote it a while ago. I'd probably do better now, make it more complex." He took a deep breath. He looked--He looked scared. Maybe Adam wasn't the only one who knew what music could reveal.
Adam waited quietly. He wanted to put his hand on Kris's shoulder, or push the hair out of his eyes; anything to reassure him. But he didn't, because that wasn't what was going on here.
Adam closed his eyes and leaned back against the sofa. Maybe that would help Kris, give him the illusion he was alone. Kris started, soft and tentative, then built slowly. The music wove in and through Adam. He could totally hear this on the radio. It'd be perfect on his Emo Playlist, he thought, opening his eyes when Kris finished. His throat felt full.
"Beautiful." He smiled at Kris, more himself than he'd been in a while. Something about the deceptively simple melody, the complex lyrics... "Beautiful. I don't know whether to cry or smile."
Kris's eyes flew to Adam's face. Adam could see something relax in Kris, something that was holding part of him back, hiding from Adam. Only fair, Adam thought, since he'd been acting like he didn't have feelings or talk about them for a long time now. That'd never been the type of person he was, and it made him a little sick to think of how he'd been blocking all of that. "Another?"
Kris nodded, obviously thinking. "This one... it's, well." He threw a glance at Adam under his lashes. "Everyone has problems sometimes, right?"
"Sure." Kris started playing a downward scale, then sang, unique melody against a backbeat, lyrics painting the challenges in a relationship, determination to make it work. Adam's mouth opened and stayed there. This was incredible, radio material if he'd ever heard it. He wished he hadn't burned his bridges with George, because this should be shopped around.
"Total earworm!" he said when Kris finished. "Before we come undone..."
"Cool." Kris looked at Adam. "Now you."
"I have a couple of things I've written, but they're shit. But, do you know Crazy?"
Kris did. Adam held it back, of course; Katherine was sleeping in the next room. They just went for it, taking turns. By the second time through, Adam was running harmonies around Kris, then switching to melody while Kris did backup. Kris played really well, actually, instinctively following Adam's phrasing.
"I'd love to hear you do that letting loose," Kris said when they were done. His smile curled into something sweet that made Adam smile back, automatic. "I can't even imagine."
"Can you take something I'm doing and arrange it better?" Adam asked.
Kris could, and did. They kept it up for hours. Adam was exhausted, but it was the good kind, like staying up all night high on an idea or at Burning Man.
"Oh, man, look at the time." Kris shook his head. "I've gotta be up in, like, less than four hours."
"Sorry." Adam thought for a minute. "Listen, you want me to take Katherine to Mrs. Hanlan's? We could go on the bus."
"Nah, it's okay. But thanks." Kris stood up and stretched. His shirt rode up. There was a stretch of stomach, muscled and flawless. "I'm hittin' it."
"Yeah, me, too." Adam followed Kris down the corridor. They both stopped in front of Kris's door. Kris looked up at Adam. "Well, goodnight."
Adam swallowed. "Yeah. 'Night." Neither one of them moved. Adam's eyes dropped automatically to Kris's lips.
Kris smiled. "'Night." His voice was nighttime-husky, soft and open. Adam watched him open the door and walk in, shut it behind him.
Kris's songs played in his head as he curled in his blankets.
* * *
They started watching Idol together, Katherine usually playing at their feet for a while, then curling up on Kris's lap to sleep. Adam had just walked right into the living room the night the season started and turned it on, ready to be defiant.
"You, too?" Kris grinned, instead.
"Guilty pleasure." Adam grinned back. "Besides, I'm pretty much a queen. This is in the Rule Book."
Kris rolled his eyes. "Yeah. It's embarrassing. And I hate it most of the time, the crap they sing, and all the stupid games."
"But the music, the stories..."
"Yeah," Kris said. "Yeah. Hey, the curry should be ready." He glanced down at Katherine, sacked out on his lap. His fingers stroked her hair gently. "Thanks for playing with her. You're better at that stuff than me. Katy was always the one..."
Adam wanted to squeeze Kris's hand, but he just smiled gently when it was clear Kris wasn't going to talk any more. "I'll get you a plate." Turned out, Kris was a great cook. Adam had been saving money because of it. They read the ads, shopped specials. And Kris could turn chicken into anything. In turn, Adam played with Katherine while Kris jogged or worked out at the shitty exercise room in their complex.
"Did you watch last year? With Gokey?" Kris asked during the commercials.
"Oh. My. God. What was that? Who did you like?"
"Allison all the way. I don't like the way they're sticking her into the teen niche, but I've never heard a voice like that."
"And what she said to Simon!" Adam cackled. "She's like a masterclass of sarcasm."
"Do you think they'll finally get someone this year who isn't into the whole hokey thing? Like Allison, but older?"
Adam shook his head. "There's always hope. It's funny. There was a time...I actually thought about trying out for this once.
"You shitting me? Me, too. Why didn't you? Are you serious; you'd win in a heartbeat."
Adam opened his mouth, but no. "I--Long story."
Kris watched him for a minute. "Okay. Me, too."
"What's your story?"Adam hadn't meant to ask, but it slipped out.
Kris looked down at his daughter. His eyes went to a faraway place. "I--Yeah, no, not right now."
Adam's throat felt tight but he just nodded and stood up. "Ice cream coming up."
* * *
It was almost like Adam was leading two lives now. Weirdly domestic at home, dealing with Katherine or talking about music stuff with Kris, falling into worse and worse crap working. Tonight was no exception. Hecklers threw all the usual at him: tranny, fag, plus there was the smell of booze on the bills people shoved at him, the sad lives of the regulars. He didn't even hear it any more, or see it, most of the time, but it was all getting so old.
What he needed was a hot hook-up to get his mind off everything. He'd spotted his target, a young guy in brown who'd been eying him. He should have plenty of time before his next set. Just when he was pushing the guy up against the wall in the back, his cell rang. Jesus fuck. He didn't recognize the number and was tempted not to answer, but it sort of rang a bell.
It was the sitter, Mrs. Hanlan. She'd been trying to get Kris, but kept getting his voice mail. Katherine was really sick, had a high fever, was asking for her daddy. Kris had given her Adam's number for emergencies, it turned out.
Adam shoved the hot little number away. "Call me a cab," he yelled to Alfredo behind the bar. "Should you call 911?" he asked Mrs. Hanlan. No, she thought it was all under control for now, but the little girl needed to go home.
When Adam got there, he took one look and carried Katherine to the taxi, asked for the closest hospital. "Somewhere good, though, not some shit hole." The cabbie nodded, serious. A photo of three smiling kids under the visor made Adam feel a little better; this guy was going to get them somewhere fast, somewhere good.
"She's burning up," Adam said to the Emergency Room admit people. "And won't answer me any more, except with nonsense." His chest was all tight. Katherine looked so small, helpless, lying on the table as the docs looked her over.
He dialed Kris, leaving him message after message. Where the hell was he?
A doctor appeared. "Okay, listen, we need to give her some antibiotics. Is she allergic?"
"I--I don't know. I'm just a, a friend." Adam thought hard. "I don't think so. I remember some pink stuff in the fridge, and she was fine. Oh!" He reached in his pocket. "Here's the information and permission thing from her father. The sitter gave it to me when I picked her up, in case."
The doctor nodded. "Good enough. She's got pneumonia. It can come on fast at this age, and be hard to spot. And dangerous. Good work getting her here."
"Is she...?"
The doctor nodded. "She should be okay. No guarantees, you never know for sure. Her fever is really high, but that's a good thing overall. We'll know in a few hours. We're going to hit it with some powerful stuff."
Adam was sitting beside her bed an hour or so later, where she was hooked up to a bunch of machines, a line snaked into her arm, mask over her face, holding her hand, when he heard the door slam open.
"Baby! Oh my god, sweetheart." Kris ran to the side of the bed next to Adam's chair and leaned over, cradling Katherine in his arms. He scooped her close, careful of the IV line and mask. "Baby, baby, precious, I'm sorry, I'm sorry I wasn't there." He buried his face in her hair. Adam could hardly watch, but couldn't look away.
"She's going to be okay, almost for sure," he said, as quietly as he could. "She's doing better, they think."
Kris turned to look at him, face white. "I was at a business dinner about selling more shoes. Marketing." Adam could hear the disdainful air quotes around 'business dinner' and 'marketing.'" I was sitting in a fancy restaurant talking about guerrilla marketing of a shoe brand when my daughter, when my daughter--" he buried his face in Katherine's hair again.
"It's not your fault," Adam tried. "You're always there for her, she knows that."
Kris reached a hand out blindly, wrapped it around Adam's on Katherine's. Adam swallowed and breathed out hard. It was all the tension, racing Katherine here, handling the doctors' questions.
Kris slid down to the side of the bed, kneeling next to where Adam was sitting, leaned his forehead on their joined hands. "I haven't, in so long, I haven't prayed. I'm sorry," he said to Adam, "but I've gotta, I've gotta..."
"Shhh, of course," Adam said, letting his other hand squeeze Kris's shoulder. "Do what you need to do."
Kris bowed his head again and mouthed silent words. Adam didn't believe in God, but he thought there might be a kind of energy that love like this could bring. He let himself do it, too, join Kris in his own way; something he hadn't done for a long time, the silent sending of energy out into the Universe, the gathering of love in his heart.
After a long span of time, he said softly, "I kind of need to go, now that you're here... Call me right away, though, if anything happens, okay?"
"Oh. Oh, sure, sorry." Kris moved his hand and Adam left. And yeah, he was screwed, because Charlie took one look at him and just motioned to the stage. Adam sang, mind elsewhere the whole time. "You owe me," Charlie said nastily after Adam's set. "No time now, but you owe me. Got that? Because you're out of here, otherwise."
Adam nodded. What difference did it make, anyway? It wasn't like he'd hadn't given blowjobs a million times.
The next evening they released Katherine. Kris carried her in, asleep in his arms, straight to the bedroom. Adam eyed the door; Kris had left it cracked open. He really wanted an update, and honestly, to see how Kris was doing. He probably hadn't even eaten.
They were sprawled on the bed, Kris still with clothes on, arms around Katherine. Adam couldn't see his face. Probably asleep already.
As he turned to leave, Kris moved, turned and looked at Adam. His eyes were dark smudges, face paler than Adam had ever seen it. He looked--He looked like he was freaking out.
Adam took a step toward him, then stopped himself. Kris looked at him and bit his lip, then uncurled himself from around Katherine and lifted his hand, held it out towards Adam, eyebrows raised in an invitation.
Adam breathed out hard and was at the edge of the bed in seconds. He took Kris's hand, and Kris pulled him down to sit at the edge of the bed. Adam looked at Kris. "How are you doing?" he whispered.
Kris shook his head. "Nothing's gonna wake her up right now, with the stuff she's on."
"Then, how are you?" Adam repeated, still modulating his voice.
"I'm fine," Kris attempted, only his voice broke on "fine."
"Oh, honey," Adam said quietly, not even trying to stop himself, and turned, gathered Kris up in his arms, pulled him up into his chest. Kris's head fit perfectly in his neck. Kris resisted for a second, then gave up, burying his face in Adam's shoulder. "It's okay." Adam's chest felt tight. "Let it out. It doesn't matter, it's okay, here."
"I can't--Thank you. Thank you for today. If anything ever happened to her--I couldn't stand it, I couldn't go on, I just couldn't. Not after--"
"Your wife..." Adam whispered, laying it there softly, carefully.
"She..." Kris whispered. "She, Katy, she got sick right after we had Katherine. She, that's how they found it, routine blood work after." He barked out a sickly laugh into Adam's chest. "We had everything ahead of us. We didn't mean to get pregnant, but we did, and we were happy, so happy once we got used to the idea. And then--"
"What was it?"
"Cancer, breast cancer, can you imagine, she was so young, only it was the bad type. We--She was so brave. She, I had to watch. The surgeries, the chemo that made her so sick, everything. She had to say goodbye to Katherine, made a video. I--I couldn't stand it. We loved each other so much. We'd been friends forever, since junior high."
Adam squeezed Kris tighter, let one hand stroke his head.
"We could talk about anything, anything. She knew I was bi, she knew what I thought about God, she knew what turned me on. But we couldn't talk about her dying. I couldn't talk about it. Even when she wanted to. And I--" Kris cut himself off.
"It's okay," Adam whispered into Kris's hair, stroking his head, his back. "Let it out." He was sure Kris never had. "It's safe, I promise. I won't--It's safe." He glanced over; Katherine was fast asleep, dead to the world.
Kris took a huge shuddery breath, then started to shake. He muffled it in Adam's shirt, still fighting it, but losing, thank fuck. Adam's eyes stung and his heart hurt. Kris had to live with all of that, live with it every single day, carry on and be strong because of his kid. It was--He was so brave.
He must have accidentally said it out loud, because Kris laughed, snorting because he was crying at the same time. "What a joke. I'm not brave, I'm the opposite. I just--I just exist, you know?"
"No, you're doing what you need to do. You're keeping it real. That's brave."
Kris sighed into Adam's chest, hands still clenched in his shirt. He eased back onto the bed, tugging at Adam.
Adam let himself be pulled down onto the bed, be wrapped in Kris's arms all the way around his back, Kris's face still pressed into his chest. Kris had stopped shaking and just lay there, breathing hard. It was so warm, Kris right there, next to him.
After a long time Kris pulled back, covered his eyes with his hand.
"No, it was good you did that," Adam said, going up on his elbows and gently moving Kris's hand from over his face.
Kris scrunched up his face self-deprecatingly, but kept his hand away, looked straight up at Adam. He was--He was beautiful, lying there all open, letting Adam see, meeting his eyes. There were just a few inches between them...
Kris got very quiet, not moving. Time seemed to stretch, slow.
Adam swallowed, then pushed slowly up to a sit. "Well. I'm going to hit it."
"Yeah, okay."
It was really hard to stand up and walk out. Adam felt Kris's eyes on him all the way to the door.
* * *
--
Part 4.