I: A Public Post

[queenalia]

I posted this on Facebook, but my page there is very much friends-only. I think it is time that this post be available in a format anyone can see/ link to. Reading other people's experiences-- even when we're not friends-- has helped me articulate myself and my identity.

Maybe this post will help someone else.

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I’ve come out as poor, before-back

Comments

[ayeshadream]

I'm actually sitting at my desk weeping because this resonates so strongly with me. I'm an abuse survivor too, not just of societies hatred for non"perfect" people, but in the more traditional and graphic sense and it does all tie in together- we are the sum total of all our life experiences. Every bump, bruise, hurt, victory, fear, reaction and choice set us on the path we are on.

I just had my first child (of my body, not counting my amazing and much loved step daughter) last October, and watching my father choose to die rather than take care of himself has motivated me to be healthier. I'm 5'2", I started at over 220 before my pregnancy, and now I'm hovering around 197, and ultimately hoping to get down to around 140ish. I'll never be where the BMI says I should be- anything below 130 makes me look like a freakish novelty bobblehead doll and I won't starve myself the way I would need to to force my body down to that size. This process is making me realize just how many issues I have around my weight. Not only does my family genetically trend toward heavy, I grew up with a mother that would either cook everything in a fry daddy &/ or eat nothing but a single can of tuna fish a day with no bread, mayo or condiments to please my father only to have him tell her when she was near starvation that if she only lose "about 10 more pounds", she'd be "perfect". I think to some degree my weight has been a combination of security blanket to hide behind, unwillingness to fight the huge uphill battle against my genetic predisposition and a big FUCK YOU to my father for being such a misoginistic hypocritical jackass.

*hug* (if you want it)

[queenalia]

having my first body-child also changed my relationship with... everything. :}... it was hard dealing with my anger towards my mother, for me. i had dismissed so much of my rage as "well, she's the mother and she knows best, she loves me, this is loving and motherly behavior," that when i *had* this infant in my arms and my mother smiled and said, "now you know how much i loved you" i really wanted to punch her in the face.

she used her love as an excuse to hurt me.

staring at this amazing new being, being on the other end of history (once you're a parent it's harder to be the hero... now you worry about the future because that's where your children are going to live) and in the Super Sekrit Mommy Club... it turned out the club rules did *not* give blanket permission for child abuse... it was a little shocking... and rage-inducing...

the depth of my anger scares me sometimes. the fat is not just to protect me from the world-- it protects the world from me. i am, *cough*, rather dangerous... and i never learned safe or non-destructive means of handling my anger.

i'm still working on it. apparently it takes a wide variety of coping mechanisms for me-- boxing gloves and righteous essay posts and social/political activism... and sometimes i'm just angry. and sometimes i just eat. my goal is to have eating be a sometimes crunch, and not an all the time or only. :}

i wish you (and everyone!) the very best in all our attempts to get healthier, whether it be mind, body or spirit.