4 Reactions
I have a new fic, Reactions. It's complete now: four separate drabbles on Regulus's death.
Comments and reviews are, of course, loved <3
Sirius: Guilt
He was a fool, a fool and a mindless boy that did only what was expected of him but he was still my brother. He was still my little brother, who hero-worshipped me and who I abandoned without a second glance but never stopped caring fore. He was still my brother.
When I read the news in the Daily Prophet and found that he was gone, I didn’t say anything. I blinked any tears I might have shed away. I didn’t even attend his funeral. I mourned in my own way, in private. I didn’t want to admit that I cared, because if I did I know that I never would have been able to stop.
Instead I went to James and Lily’s place for dinner that night and laughed at their jokes and made some of my own. I smiled and pretended that my other half wasn’t dead. Lily was far more astute than James and I think she may have seen the falseness of my good mood, for I caught her sending me concerned glances periodically through dinner, but I always glanced away. I didn’t want to come face to face with my conscience that would have said: if you hadn’t chose them over him then you could have stopped this.
Maybe I could have. Maybe I could have talked him out of joining the Death Eaters in the first place, because after I left I know he turned to Bella for guidance. As much as I hate to admit it her nature is like mine in many ways, and in her he saw a replacement of sorts for me.
I don’t like to be overwhelmed with guilt, but his death was my fault and there is nothing to do but feel guilty about it. I wondered if I would live with this guilt for the rest of my life.
Andromeda: Grief
He visited me before he died, but that doesn’t dull the grief.
He was my young cousin, who was terribly weak and vulnerable and easily taken in by promises of glamour and glory and power. He didn’t deserve this punishment when he finally woke up from the dream and faced the reality of what he was doing.
He had come to my house to tell me he was dying and that he forgave me and sought out my own forgiveness. I gave it, of course, but what I really wanted to do was help him. That was what pained me the most, standing there helpless while he lost strength before my very eyes. There was absolutely nothing that I could do.
I went to the funeral Narcissa planned, hiding from everyone that knew him in hopes that I could avoid the scene that I and my betrayal would inevitably cause, which would be a bitter insult to Regulus’s memory. I had cried all my tears before then, so I stood there, listening to the service that went on and on about Regulus’s virtues, my eyes dry and my heart crying.
I have since learned to accept his death in the time that passed. It still grieves me, but Ted has reminded me that Regulus, in the end, wanted me to be happy. And so I have moved on, as much as anyone can from the death of a loved one, but that doesn’t mean forgetting. I still think about him often, the Black that finally stood up for what he believed in. He is a hero, and I wish I could tell the world that, but he made me promise to keep his secret safe.
There is no way to stop the grief, but there is a way to control it.
Bellatrix: Denial
He shouldn’t have left us Death Eaters, and my initial feeling upon hearing his death - besides shock - was regret and anger that I didn’t talk him out of it. I could have stopped this. That feeling was painful, so I suppressed it. He was a traitor, but he was my cousin, and dealing with those conflicting sides of him was something I did not want to do.
It wasn’t my fault, really. I can’t blame myself, and I can’t blame anyone in truth. It was an accident. I tell myself that because it is far easier than doling out blame and finding the finger pointed at me.
Mostly I pretended not to remember him, and that is still how I deal with his death. I acted as if he never existed and that Orion and Walburga had no sons, since in truth both of them were traitors. It hurts too much to think of them as that.
Rodolphus told me that Antonin Dolohov killed him when he finally found him, very weakened for some reason or other, and I shielded my face from my husband after the news processed, away from the light so he couldn’t see the agony. “I don’t want to talk about it,” I said, because I had to say something and didn’t want to have to deal with the regret. Rodolphus fixed me with an all too understanding look - hadn’t his own cousin been killed by Evan Rosier for the same reason? But I didn’t say anything more and he let it go.
I didn’t cry at his funeral, even when Narcissa’s sobs seemed to shake the room. I saw Andromeda was there when I glanced around, hidden in the shadows to avoid being seen, but I couldn’t tell if she was crying softly. I knew Sirius might shed a tear or two on his own, but I told myself I would remain strong. I was always the strong one out of us Blacks, and I should remain that way. If I stay that way I can pretend it never happened and avoid thinking about it.
It is actually surprisingly easy to lose yourself in an ocean of denial and never come up for air.
Narcissa: Loss
Regulus and I were very similar.
We were the passive Blacks, the ones that let things wash over us. We weren’t like Bella or Sirius or Andy who made things happen. We caught a ride on a strong wave that in our case was duty and tradition and family, and we floated with it wherever it took us. We didn’t fight it, like Andy and Sirius did, or swim faster than it, like Bella. We were content to be carried. Unlike Bella, when we began supporting Voldemort, it was more out of necessity than choice.
I cried at Regulus’s service. I was the one that organized it all, while Bella was lost in her mania of denial and Andy and Sirius in their escapes from our world. I was the only one prepared to handle reality and the necessary task at hand, and I did it well, but not well enough. If I had succeeded I wouldn’t have felt this loss afterward for the rest of my days; I would be at peace. People told me that it would go away over time, but I knew even then that it wouldn’t. I still don’t think this hole of loss will ever be filled in.
I would have drowned myself in tears and distress and misery and loneliness had Lucius not been there, comforting and helping me as much as I needed. He was my lifeline when the wave broke, but not even he could have made me whole again.
I had thought us Blacks invincible, and Regulus had proved me wrong. He was the first of us to fall from grace, but what hurt almost as much as the loss of him was that as soon as I heard the news from Lucius I knew he wouldn’t be the last, because now we were not untouchable but we were plainly and terribly vulnerable. We would all fall, and that thought was utterly terrifying. I clung to what I had then very tightly, for fear of more loss.