(no subject)
i hate my job. i really, really hate my job.
i'm so tired of people reminding me that we're in a recession and i'm lucky to have a job. i tired of people insisting that i shouldn't dare attempt to venture beyond my soul-sucking, asstastic line of work because it can only lead to doom and gloom and i'll never find another job and i won't have insurance and then i might as well lay in the street and die.
is it any wonder that i avoid people sometimes?
i just don't know what to do. i've only got a stupid associates degree and it's barely worth the paper it's printed on, as far as its ability to get me a job that doesn't include a nametag or cubicle. i wish so much that i could have had a better education but it's always down to money. i guess i could have gotten loans, like everyone else, and gone into debt for the rest of my life, like everyone else, and then found myself with a degree and still no prospects, like everyone else.
i've always been against student loans, as a general principle. i just can't imagine borrowing such a monstrous amount of money with no guarantee that i'll ever be able to pay it back. the other deciding factor is that i never wanted to go to school to train for a moneymaking job. i don't want to be a doctor or a lawyer or a business asshat. i was to go to school to learn things and then i want to get a job that lets me either learn more new stuff or teach other people the stuff i know. i wish "scholar" was a paid job.
i guess i could teach myself stuff and then write a book about whatever subject i learn a lot about, but who would buy an informational text by someone with no degrees? i wish i had the discipline to write. i could totally write - at least i think i could.
the sort of thing i'd be most interested in are the things you can't just walk into. i could be happy to be an archaeologist or an anthropologist or a language/linguistics scholar - i love languages. i could be so happy if i spent my time learning classical and/or dead languages or learning about the stages of progression of the English language, along with the history involved in each stage. i could study each dialect of the English language and die of joy. how do i get paid to do something like that?
I could be a nutritional anthropologist and learn about the food and culture influenced each other. i could study the history of comedy and be happy as a clam. i could learn about costuming or be a dramaturg or something like that. how can i do all of these things and make a living? how can i choose one of these things and afford to pursue it? how do you pick which low income job you want to keep you poor but happy?
i guess the simple answer is that any one of these things is so much better than what i'm doing now that it really doesn't matter which one i choose. the real question is how do i find the time and money to study these things in order to get one of these jobs without putting myself in the poorhouse? aye, there's the rub.
you know what else would be great? working outside. either that or working someplace where i can see that the outside world still exists. i work in the basement. there are windows but not where i am. the walls are gray, the carpet is gray, the cubicles are gray, the furniture is gray, the bathroom tile and partition walls are gray, the garbage cans are gray, the computer is gray and my life is fucking gray since i started working in this fucking pit.
if i can't have a dream job, i'd at least like to do something that i feel at least kind of good about. i'd like to make something or produce something or provide a real service or help people or at least do a stupid, monotonous job for a company i respect but i don't do any of these things. i've got to sort my life out. i'm too young to be in such a middle aged rut. i just need to figure this stuff out.
i'm a really smart person. i'm trainable and i get along well with everyone. i have all sorts of talents that are not being in any way utilized, recognized or appreciated. i work with people with IQs in negative numbers who make a buttload more money than i do just to wander aimlessly and ask people for help and screw up everything they touch. there's one in particular who has been demoted and demoted and demoted until she on the lowest possible rung (my department, obviously) but has never been fired for incompetence and her pay was not reduced to the level of the jobs that she's been demoted to, so she works with people who do a much better job but don't make as much money as she does because they haven't worked here as long as she has and they were never at the pay level of some of the departments that she's been kicked out of. how is that fair?
there are people who work part time who take home double what i make and don't do anything near the amount of work that i do and i'm just fucking sick of the whole thing. i think the only way to get anywhere in this company is to somehow get transferred to a position that i am spectacularly unqualified for and then get demoted to my current job, but at the higher pay scale. that's just stupid.
i wish i had a job where i was appreciated and where promotions and pay scales were based on merit and where incompetence was weeded out and not rewarded. i wish i worked somewhere where people were promoted to management based on how well they manage people and how much they know about the job, rather than how much they look like the pointy haired boss in Dilbert cartoons.
if anyone in the Portland area (or the UK - i'll move, but only there) has a job that they really like that is hiring and pays something decent, please let me know.
i'm so tired of people reminding me that we're in a recession and i'm lucky to have a job. i tired of people insisting that i shouldn't dare attempt to venture beyond my soul-sucking, asstastic line of work because it can only lead to doom and gloom and i'll never find another job and i won't have insurance and then i might as well lay in the street and die.
is it any wonder that i avoid people sometimes?
i just don't know what to do. i've only got a stupid associates degree and it's barely worth the paper it's printed on, as far as its ability to get me a job that doesn't include a nametag or cubicle. i wish so much that i could have had a better education but it's always down to money. i guess i could have gotten loans, like everyone else, and gone into debt for the rest of my life, like everyone else, and then found myself with a degree and still no prospects, like everyone else.
i've always been against student loans, as a general principle. i just can't imagine borrowing such a monstrous amount of money with no guarantee that i'll ever be able to pay it back. the other deciding factor is that i never wanted to go to school to train for a moneymaking job. i don't want to be a doctor or a lawyer or a business asshat. i was to go to school to learn things and then i want to get a job that lets me either learn more new stuff or teach other people the stuff i know. i wish "scholar" was a paid job.
i guess i could teach myself stuff and then write a book about whatever subject i learn a lot about, but who would buy an informational text by someone with no degrees? i wish i had the discipline to write. i could totally write - at least i think i could.
the sort of thing i'd be most interested in are the things you can't just walk into. i could be happy to be an archaeologist or an anthropologist or a language/linguistics scholar - i love languages. i could be so happy if i spent my time learning classical and/or dead languages or learning about the stages of progression of the English language, along with the history involved in each stage. i could study each dialect of the English language and die of joy. how do i get paid to do something like that?
I could be a nutritional anthropologist and learn about the food and culture influenced each other. i could study the history of comedy and be happy as a clam. i could learn about costuming or be a dramaturg or something like that. how can i do all of these things and make a living? how can i choose one of these things and afford to pursue it? how do you pick which low income job you want to keep you poor but happy?
i guess the simple answer is that any one of these things is so much better than what i'm doing now that it really doesn't matter which one i choose. the real question is how do i find the time and money to study these things in order to get one of these jobs without putting myself in the poorhouse? aye, there's the rub.
you know what else would be great? working outside. either that or working someplace where i can see that the outside world still exists. i work in the basement. there are windows but not where i am. the walls are gray, the carpet is gray, the cubicles are gray, the furniture is gray, the bathroom tile and partition walls are gray, the garbage cans are gray, the computer is gray and my life is fucking gray since i started working in this fucking pit.
if i can't have a dream job, i'd at least like to do something that i feel at least kind of good about. i'd like to make something or produce something or provide a real service or help people or at least do a stupid, monotonous job for a company i respect but i don't do any of these things. i've got to sort my life out. i'm too young to be in such a middle aged rut. i just need to figure this stuff out.
i'm a really smart person. i'm trainable and i get along well with everyone. i have all sorts of talents that are not being in any way utilized, recognized or appreciated. i work with people with IQs in negative numbers who make a buttload more money than i do just to wander aimlessly and ask people for help and screw up everything they touch. there's one in particular who has been demoted and demoted and demoted until she on the lowest possible rung (my department, obviously) but has never been fired for incompetence and her pay was not reduced to the level of the jobs that she's been demoted to, so she works with people who do a much better job but don't make as much money as she does because they haven't worked here as long as she has and they were never at the pay level of some of the departments that she's been kicked out of. how is that fair?
there are people who work part time who take home double what i make and don't do anything near the amount of work that i do and i'm just fucking sick of the whole thing. i think the only way to get anywhere in this company is to somehow get transferred to a position that i am spectacularly unqualified for and then get demoted to my current job, but at the higher pay scale. that's just stupid.
i wish i had a job where i was appreciated and where promotions and pay scales were based on merit and where incompetence was weeded out and not rewarded. i wish i worked somewhere where people were promoted to management based on how well they manage people and how much they know about the job, rather than how much they look like the pointy haired boss in Dilbert cartoons.
if anyone in the Portland area (or the UK - i'll move, but only there) has a job that they really like that is hiring and pays something decent, please let me know.