I just wanna bury my head in the sand
Before my original post- an update on the tuition reimbursement situation.
I received yet another notice of rejection of my application for reimbursement today when I got to work, as they're sending everything to my work email. I had set myself to call them as soon as I got off work and home, regardless of whether they were supposed to call me back or not. But I didn't end up needing to, as while I was on my way home I got a phone call.
It ended up being the first person at the reimbursement department that has a brain. She explained to me that the only thing she couldn't reconcile on the application was that my statement of account had the tuition being charged on 4/30. That was the day they adjusted the rate, since they overcharged me originally. She didn't understand why they would be charging the tuition after the classes were already over and she assumed that it meant that the tuition for the February term was not reflected on the statement.
That makes sense. FINALLY, an explanation that makes sense! I explained to her why, and she understood, but told me I needed to get something from the school that stated what they told me the night before- that the financial aid was in the form of loans and that the tuition was paid for in full, and to the amount that I was requesting. She said it would be easier that way since I wouldn't run into any problems of the comprehensive tuition program that I pay for being a different rate than what was on the application.
They definitely denied the book payment, so I should be able to resubmit my application as soon as I get that from the school. She was very nice, intelligent, and actually sounded like she wanted to help make sure I got paid- ya know, since it's part of my total compensation plan. So, assuming the school can provide what I need (they should be able to) then I shouldn't have a problem getting that taken care of.
FINALLY.
I think I'm nearly ready to admit temporary defeat and raise the white flag when it comes to this school semester. It's not that the classes are particularly hard. There's a ton of reading, but it's fun reading. It's just . . . everything else is getting in the way.
I know people do this all the time. There are people on my f-list that balance school, work, family, etc.- even with small children!- all the time. But, apparently I fail this semester at balancing/handling. I got behind and I've stayed behind, because of a lack of something. I can't even pinpoint what that something is, though I have a sinking suspicion I know and I don't like it.
The past two months alone have been the most chaotic in my life, well beyond graduating and such, even. I'd even say it is more chaotic than when I was pregnant any of the number of times. A lot of it is an attitude change, I think. But what I know is this- I feel more than overwhelmed. And my motivation to get caught up and to do the things I need to do is absolutely ZERO. I know I can do it, I just need a break. This is why people have summer vacations! It's not that I don't want to do it in the long-term. I still want to do that. Maybe I'm lazy. Maybe I'm not capable of multi-tasking as much as I thought I was. But, I just know that every day I have a hard enough time staying awake and energetic enough to work and do the necessary chores and such for life. I'm getting behind on literally everything- this place is a mess. I need to do laundry more often. I don't go to the gym anymore. My eating habits are piss poor.
It doesn't help that my hormones have been out of whack the past few months. I never used to have a period when on the IUD, which I am on right now, as it's the most effective way of dealing with the endo problems. This month, I had horrible PMS'ing, even to the point of having a migraine that made me sick to my stomach last week. I am on a semi-period now, and while it's nothing like what it used to be, it's certainly something. But my -entire torso- aches. I know exactly why- it's a combination of how far the endometrium tissue has spread internally and how sore muscles get in the body when they're tired from pain. I get daily headaches, though at least they aren't migraines. But the one migraine itself was enough to make me scared for the future. I thought I got rid of those.
Maybe it's telling me to slow down. Or more likely, maybe things are changing again and it's time to find another way to adapt and overcome. What I do know is that it's not manageable anymore and it's starting to make me feel like a wuss. A crybaby wuss. But I do know you're not supposed to hurt when you straighten your torso just from a normal period.
My sleep has been erratic and horrible. It doesn't help that I am off my normal "schedule" for covering Dianna's vacation this week. I'm in one of two states: in two much pain to sleep, or too exhausted not to sleep. No two ways about it. And I'm trying not to take pain killers beyong anti-inflammatories except when I have a migraine. Not even really that I'm worried about addiction, but because I only have a certain amount left. And from previous problems from the migraines, I don't wanna get another script. Too bad alcohol doesn't numb pain all that well, contrary to what I've heard. Heh
I know I'm being a wuss about dealing with all this, but it is a lot of crap all at once. Those of you that can do it are way better than I am. Because right now, the issues at home (that I haven't talked about in here and won't), resolving ending relationships, coming to grips with who I am and what I've become, moving out of here, paying off large amounts of debt, dealing with a nearly daily changing work environment, and then the hormone changes . . . is enough for me, without adding on being dramatically behind in school.
If I wasn't so far behind, it would be one thing. But I'm so far behind that the mountain doesn't even feel like it has a base that I can see. Midterms are next week. I know I won't do well on them as far behind as I am. And that's 30% of the grade. I just want a reset button. A little bit here, a little bit there would have helped a whole lot more. And I've learned about my own motivations and expectations of myself . . . and also learned that I don't let myself rest enough. I love sleep, but the past few months I've been neglecting doing it when I need to and only allowing myself time for it on the weekends- which is also when I've allotted more studying time.
But yeah, I'm very seriously considering throwing up the white flag for the semester and withdrawing from the two classes I'm already taking. I'm waiting on the response from school to let me know whether I can take the classes again in August if I withdraw now. And then, pending that positive response, I'm registering for the classes in August and taking the rest of June and all of July off from school. I'm not ever going to quit entirely, even if I just take a few classes here and there, but it's always going to be consecutively, with only a short break in between so as not to quit for a long time yet again. I hate to delay the second tuition reimbursement that long, but it's looking like that may be necessary.
This will also give me the time for the chess board pieces to quit moving around at work and I won't have another excuse to get a second job, which I definitely need to do.
Hell, if the work story plays out like it could, I could end up on the road by the end of July anyway and it would definitely be a good idea to not be in school until I've qualified. ESPECIALLY because if I do go on the road, that means I'm in a much better position to potentially be promoted again when we theoretically go live in October. But that's way too much speculation, and I'm quite frankly tired of speculation. I want some hard facts. The hard facts are, though, that there are three driving positions left to be filled. One was filled and the driver has already qualified- he did his time RTD'ing. And the other driver that comes next is already on a training route. I do believe they're just waiting on paperwork to be finalized. The only one left, then, is me. It's just up to their timing as to whether they want to do it or not and whether we need that many drivers or not. The union was only pushing for two because the company wanted to only use two temporary drivers for the summer AND I'm not a union member, so they weren't going to fight for me to get the next position.
But, that is starting to become a possiblity again, with the economy picking up AND the union pushing. The only problem now is the misgivings I was starting to have about sticking around with UPS. Which THOSE have been dissolving these days as Steve learns I'm not a push toy.
UGH.
Just.
UGH.
Yeah. There's your emo wank allowance for the day, the reader's digest form, if you would believe it.
I received yet another notice of rejection of my application for reimbursement today when I got to work, as they're sending everything to my work email. I had set myself to call them as soon as I got off work and home, regardless of whether they were supposed to call me back or not. But I didn't end up needing to, as while I was on my way home I got a phone call.
It ended up being the first person at the reimbursement department that has a brain. She explained to me that the only thing she couldn't reconcile on the application was that my statement of account had the tuition being charged on 4/30. That was the day they adjusted the rate, since they overcharged me originally. She didn't understand why they would be charging the tuition after the classes were already over and she assumed that it meant that the tuition for the February term was not reflected on the statement.
That makes sense. FINALLY, an explanation that makes sense! I explained to her why, and she understood, but told me I needed to get something from the school that stated what they told me the night before- that the financial aid was in the form of loans and that the tuition was paid for in full, and to the amount that I was requesting. She said it would be easier that way since I wouldn't run into any problems of the comprehensive tuition program that I pay for being a different rate than what was on the application.
They definitely denied the book payment, so I should be able to resubmit my application as soon as I get that from the school. She was very nice, intelligent, and actually sounded like she wanted to help make sure I got paid- ya know, since it's part of my total compensation plan. So, assuming the school can provide what I need (they should be able to) then I shouldn't have a problem getting that taken care of.
FINALLY.
I think I'm nearly ready to admit temporary defeat and raise the white flag when it comes to this school semester. It's not that the classes are particularly hard. There's a ton of reading, but it's fun reading. It's just . . . everything else is getting in the way.
I know people do this all the time. There are people on my f-list that balance school, work, family, etc.- even with small children!- all the time. But, apparently I fail this semester at balancing/handling. I got behind and I've stayed behind, because of a lack of something. I can't even pinpoint what that something is, though I have a sinking suspicion I know and I don't like it.
The past two months alone have been the most chaotic in my life, well beyond graduating and such, even. I'd even say it is more chaotic than when I was pregnant any of the number of times. A lot of it is an attitude change, I think. But what I know is this- I feel more than overwhelmed. And my motivation to get caught up and to do the things I need to do is absolutely ZERO. I know I can do it, I just need a break. This is why people have summer vacations! It's not that I don't want to do it in the long-term. I still want to do that. Maybe I'm lazy. Maybe I'm not capable of multi-tasking as much as I thought I was. But, I just know that every day I have a hard enough time staying awake and energetic enough to work and do the necessary chores and such for life. I'm getting behind on literally everything- this place is a mess. I need to do laundry more often. I don't go to the gym anymore. My eating habits are piss poor.
It doesn't help that my hormones have been out of whack the past few months. I never used to have a period when on the IUD, which I am on right now, as it's the most effective way of dealing with the endo problems. This month, I had horrible PMS'ing, even to the point of having a migraine that made me sick to my stomach last week. I am on a semi-period now, and while it's nothing like what it used to be, it's certainly something. But my -entire torso- aches. I know exactly why- it's a combination of how far the endometrium tissue has spread internally and how sore muscles get in the body when they're tired from pain. I get daily headaches, though at least they aren't migraines. But the one migraine itself was enough to make me scared for the future. I thought I got rid of those.
Maybe it's telling me to slow down. Or more likely, maybe things are changing again and it's time to find another way to adapt and overcome. What I do know is that it's not manageable anymore and it's starting to make me feel like a wuss. A crybaby wuss. But I do know you're not supposed to hurt when you straighten your torso just from a normal period.
My sleep has been erratic and horrible. It doesn't help that I am off my normal "schedule" for covering Dianna's vacation this week. I'm in one of two states: in two much pain to sleep, or too exhausted not to sleep. No two ways about it. And I'm trying not to take pain killers beyong anti-inflammatories except when I have a migraine. Not even really that I'm worried about addiction, but because I only have a certain amount left. And from previous problems from the migraines, I don't wanna get another script. Too bad alcohol doesn't numb pain all that well, contrary to what I've heard. Heh
I know I'm being a wuss about dealing with all this, but it is a lot of crap all at once. Those of you that can do it are way better than I am. Because right now, the issues at home (that I haven't talked about in here and won't), resolving ending relationships, coming to grips with who I am and what I've become, moving out of here, paying off large amounts of debt, dealing with a nearly daily changing work environment, and then the hormone changes . . . is enough for me, without adding on being dramatically behind in school.
If I wasn't so far behind, it would be one thing. But I'm so far behind that the mountain doesn't even feel like it has a base that I can see. Midterms are next week. I know I won't do well on them as far behind as I am. And that's 30% of the grade. I just want a reset button. A little bit here, a little bit there would have helped a whole lot more. And I've learned about my own motivations and expectations of myself . . . and also learned that I don't let myself rest enough. I love sleep, but the past few months I've been neglecting doing it when I need to and only allowing myself time for it on the weekends- which is also when I've allotted more studying time.
But yeah, I'm very seriously considering throwing up the white flag for the semester and withdrawing from the two classes I'm already taking. I'm waiting on the response from school to let me know whether I can take the classes again in August if I withdraw now. And then, pending that positive response, I'm registering for the classes in August and taking the rest of June and all of July off from school. I'm not ever going to quit entirely, even if I just take a few classes here and there, but it's always going to be consecutively, with only a short break in between so as not to quit for a long time yet again. I hate to delay the second tuition reimbursement that long, but it's looking like that may be necessary.
This will also give me the time for the chess board pieces to quit moving around at work and I won't have another excuse to get a second job, which I definitely need to do.
Hell, if the work story plays out like it could, I could end up on the road by the end of July anyway and it would definitely be a good idea to not be in school until I've qualified. ESPECIALLY because if I do go on the road, that means I'm in a much better position to potentially be promoted again when we theoretically go live in October. But that's way too much speculation, and I'm quite frankly tired of speculation. I want some hard facts. The hard facts are, though, that there are three driving positions left to be filled. One was filled and the driver has already qualified- he did his time RTD'ing. And the other driver that comes next is already on a training route. I do believe they're just waiting on paperwork to be finalized. The only one left, then, is me. It's just up to their timing as to whether they want to do it or not and whether we need that many drivers or not. The union was only pushing for two because the company wanted to only use two temporary drivers for the summer AND I'm not a union member, so they weren't going to fight for me to get the next position.
But, that is starting to become a possiblity again, with the economy picking up AND the union pushing. The only problem now is the misgivings I was starting to have about sticking around with UPS. Which THOSE have been dissolving these days as Steve learns I'm not a push toy.
UGH.
Just.
UGH.
Yeah. There's your emo wank allowance for the day, the reader's digest form, if you would believe it.