i'm not your cockroach anymore. lower than YOU? get the fuck outta here...
i almost settled for something i never wanted. well. at most. wanted for about a day. YEARS ago. typical. "lyndsey, you don't deserve any better. everyone has [!] these days, so you might as well take whatever you can get," says i. desperate desperate desperate... without william. he's the one; on my mind 24/7, since we met in September 2001. the minute he left, damn my bulimia went downhill. used it to fill every void, distract myself from every problem, numb the intensity of every swarming emotion. it took a stupid thing like the other day to snap me out of it. i'm living in the past. when i look in the mirror, i see what i used to be. a fat, ugly, unloveable loser. somehow, God brought Alex, Ghazal & Suzie into my life. they're helping me break away from hating every ounce of my being. i'll never forget the priceless things they've said to me:
"i love you!"
"you're one of us now. we notice when you're not there & we miss you."
"i learn so much from you, you're so smart."
"don't do that [binge & purge], please please please please please! then you'll have to go away again, & i don't want you to. next time you buy all that ice cream, give half to me! we will share it & make it a 'gain a pound or two' day."
"i can't believe anyone ever called you ugly."
"[he's a] stupid asshole & it's not that you're not good enough for him. one day you'll find someone who's just as good as you. that's not possible. at least someone who deserves you."
"it's so good that you think about these things."
"you are so good at giving advice, i feel so much better! you should be a psychologist."
"you're tall. you're the prettiest girl in our class. you're funny. you're nice. how could you hate yourself? you have to stop!"
"don't lose any more weight. you're perfect. thin & fit. like a dancer."
wow. they seem so honest. i don't know what to think. i'm not going to dismiss it all as the most elaborate lies i've ever heard, like i used to. i'll just say. i will work everyday to live up to it. in fact, the wrong people have self-esteem. it's about fucking time those of us who second guess ourselves relentlessly actually took pride in who we are. the people who need to criticize themselves - their thoughts, behaviour & the affect they have on others - never do. you can live in your bubble, have a fanfuckingtastic meaningless, pointless existence. as for us, good people who get put down & hate themselves until they realize the only reason they're mistreated is jealousy, we'll send you a postcard. let you know what the view's like from the top. ass face.
"i love you!"
"you're one of us now. we notice when you're not there & we miss you."
"i learn so much from you, you're so smart."
"don't do that [binge & purge], please please please please please! then you'll have to go away again, & i don't want you to. next time you buy all that ice cream, give half to me! we will share it & make it a 'gain a pound or two' day."
"i can't believe anyone ever called you ugly."
"[he's a] stupid asshole & it's not that you're not good enough for him. one day you'll find someone who's just as good as you. that's not possible. at least someone who deserves you."
"it's so good that you think about these things."
"you are so good at giving advice, i feel so much better! you should be a psychologist."
"you're tall. you're the prettiest girl in our class. you're funny. you're nice. how could you hate yourself? you have to stop!"
"don't lose any more weight. you're perfect. thin & fit. like a dancer."
wow. they seem so honest. i don't know what to think. i'm not going to dismiss it all as the most elaborate lies i've ever heard, like i used to. i'll just say. i will work everyday to live up to it. in fact, the wrong people have self-esteem. it's about fucking time those of us who second guess ourselves relentlessly actually took pride in who we are. the people who need to criticize themselves - their thoughts, behaviour & the affect they have on others - never do. you can live in your bubble, have a fanfuckingtastic meaningless, pointless existence. as for us, good people who get put down & hate themselves until they realize the only reason they're mistreated is jealousy, we'll send you a postcard. let you know what the view's like from the top. ass face.