Apathetic in August
I miss the village of rock bottom. There was just always something about peeling back your skin that made sense to pain. You can read a million definitions of your disorder, but none of them make you feel quite the same as when you’re experiencing the situation. My understanding needs the self made chaos to survive within me. They’ll never know, but I’ll never forget. Even if this therapist is my exorcist; I’ll always flash back and picture a white pale face drowned in ice cold water, I’ll feel irregular heartbeats, taste blood, sense self hatred. It’s still always going to be there. On the playground where I left my innocence still spinning to see time, envision the future. I guess I say that now with all those memories and experiences still relevant, but I can’t reject my past. That’s been the fear, the rock in front of the next obstacle, the reason I haven’t been able to move on. It’s the ghosts and demons in front of the next door. I just can’t help but be frightened to tackle them, my issues, my darkness, myself.
Gray skies and rain clouds’ forming reminds me of somber music and the eagerness of going outside, feeling the rain, escaping the shelter to be free. That wanting of freedom is still relevant too. It’s the reason for the music, it’s the reason for lost innocence, it’s the reason there’s a devil. I didn’t always tell you the whole story, I’m just hoping that you assume it’s everything you’ve ever felt and more. It’s a black and white choice, with a yes or no answer. It’s not knowing what to say when all you do is feel and yet always get the answer wrong. It's emotion against emotion. Chain reaction then repeat repeat of anxious tendencies, it’s the stages of Katie’s anxiety and disorders. It’s in circles right now, spiraling yet staying still. Worst part is: I miss the village of rock bottom and once you've checked in, you'll never leave.