Inspiration in odd and holy places
It’s there, quickly noted right in the center folds of your diary, “Club 24 does have its punishments” which is right above the list that strictly goes against everything that I never want to be associated with again. I’m a video fast forwarding then paused. Weight goes up and down, drops in slow motion then the fast forward button is hit yet again. I’m just a slave to the scale, a walking zombie without energy. Today I got a funny thought in my head at the best time I could receive such witty anecdotes from a tortured friend. It’s like having your story tweaked and changed just a bit, but the basics and the images are still all the same. This is why my novel got so far. To why I stopped is still a grand mystery to all of us. The thing I just wanted to highlight and underline from a traumatic event such has suicide attempts is that you either end up dead or stuck in that moment. You either die at that moment or wait for the memories to eat you alive. Satan runs in your veins but you keep telling yourself that the angels are holding you, guiding and watching your disgraceful ways. I’d like to believe in good and evil in more than just metaphors and adjectives to create a powerful affect that will be relatable to everyone but, I just don’t. It’s just like religion; it’s complicated. Everyone has a kid will fake despise something until they grow up and realize what the hell they hate so much. Example: I’ve easily become everything I used to glare at, at the TV. I would only glare because I didn’t understand a thing. If there is a God I’d just like to say that he fucked me up for a reason. Understanding is one of the best gifts that can ever be given. I talk to my ignorant family and the reason to why I was such a hateful kid is clear but still these people aren’t kids. They’ve got the mind equip like one unfortunately, understanding is not a virtue they use very often. Neither is rationality or wisdom sadly. Experiences give birth to feelings, awaken the evil sometimes, and cages in the good. I am the phoenix born from the ashes of ignorance and insecurity; but I guess some things never change.
Note to self: When you’re an author you can create a million characters out of one single mind, and that’s when you realize…I can be anybody who I want to be, I know every line to say. I understand every tragedy and soak up every emotion I can to correspond to that dying soul. You’re only as witty as the last critic you create in your head. So keep giving birth to the insane and then we’ve still got a fucking story. It's all in my mind, just about ready to fucking explode. That was a warning not a metaphor.