My dreams keep me awake
With the end of this year, I am offically determined to make next year kick this years ass. I don't fucking care anymore. I haven't eaten anything in days and I don't mind because I CAN'T FEEL A THING! (welcome to insanity folks) lalalala I can't feel a thing...Oh yeah I wrote something I few days ago and almost threw it out. Well instead I'm copying and pasting it, you're welcome to the millionth copy of reckless writing.
"Today I’m busy studying, but once those books are turned in, the locker closes, and the bus drives far, I’m fucking gone. In two days, I will just be, stuck in a world that I’ve created with words and thoughts. I like it there, Katie greets me everyday. Sometimes I wonder if I’m alive...more than everyone else I mean..with how I always feel this rush of such excitement come burning within me and when I write it...it’s just words. They don’t make me feel it that emotion again and it’s very disappointing to me. That I can’t express my happiness as well as my anger, my ego, everything that just needs to die. It will, but love is timeless and I don’t know why I can’t express it. When everything frustrates me, like it does now, I'll just sit there and learn how to just be. I become an object. Katie laughed is all personification and imagery. But everything in my world isn’t real by then. The problems all fade because I’m at peace. My insecurity tarnished with pounds evaporating quickly, see that’s the great thing about barely living is, you can lose weight by doing absolutely nothing. No eating, no drinking, I’m being. I'm sleeping; I breathe which is the only difference to an object.. School’s almost over buddy, it’s been fun but I’m ready for a summer of reunion with my demons, you see they were on vacation, they come out to play when I’m alone...when there’s no one else home. They creep slowly and rejoice; it’s time to eat myself alive, tear myself apart. But things aren’t the way they were before. I’ve learned my lesson, paid it forward. I’m way more demonic when my happiness is being threatened. I won’t stand for those demons trying to fuck with me. It isn’t going to happen. Not this time, this summer is music, is art, is enlightenment, is excitement. But all so lonely, Katie’s good company? Umm depends on which one you're talking about..."
You see sometimes she is the demon, sometimes she's the one fighting it. Even I don't understand that fucking sentence too, but you see thats the thing about Katie. She changes, she sheds, she spazzes and yet it's nothing new at all. You see, I never remember the day things start. I can't remember the first day I took a smoke outside my own house, or the first day I decided to cut away at my skin, or the day I woke up and wanted to die. I can't remember the day I started writing in third person, or the day I watched the sunset go down on the beach, the day I started to walk with my head up, or the day I decided I'd rather live in a swirl of metaphors and colors. The shadows on the pavement, the flowers on the swings, the reflections of her face staring back at me under the bridge, the car ride to my salvation. All written, all moments that reflect my life, all moments that I reflect on way too god damn much. It's all a story. Doesn't matter what fucked up mistakes I make now, just as long as I'm sorry at the end of this devil's tunnel...or at least that's what Jesus wrote so I guess his word is more valuable than mine... On my way out I'll see a bright light...leading me on a longer ride of flying and infinte music, the glorious car ride, my heaven. Or the infinte swirl of firsts, slowly turning into a spiral of bad accomplishments...You didn't know me before the first time I died...I was innocent, I was on earth. Now I'm just stuck in a book, a tunnel, a story of infinte dreams.