(no subject)
I have very vivid memories of being a child, sitting on the rim of the bath tub and watching my mother get ready to go out and face the day. Every morning, she would stand in front of the mirror and pick herself apart-- her ass was too fat, her skin too wrinkled, she looked half dead, she looked old, her hair was fuzzy, her breasts were sagging. And then she would turn to me and tell me I was perfect. I love my mother, probably more than any other person in the world, but she taught me some strange lessons about how I view myself and my body. Notably, my mother also worked her body into a state of permanent disability. I have never been comfortable with my body--for any number of reasons-- but at the same time I have never been completely uncomfortable with my body either. I have been blessed enough to be healthy and whole-- I have also never really had the kind of understandings about self image that have kept me from doing things in my life. But I have damaged others sense of self image with my own insecurities-- which is not something I am okay with. I'm not sure why I’m starting this entry here, because this isn't really the point. Its part of the problem, yes, but the real problem is not about my body or any one else’s body, it’s about how I treat other people.
Recently, I've been uncomfortable with my body because it is the source of pain--I'm learning to see myself as a person with chronic pain (migraines) and that’s not something that is easy to do. I almost feel like I’ve been short changed some how-- that illness and pain is something that is supposed to happen to someone who is older than I am. Knowing that I can have pain at any time and for absolutely no good reason has left me feeling very vulnerable and very powerless. But it has also made me realize that I need to get to know how my body functions better….
I've been thinking a lot lately about what it means to be an adult (probably because I just turned twenty) and part of that definition, for me, is what it means to treat other people with respect. I understand that, for most of my life, I have been, at times, very callous, shallow, and cruel to other people, especially the people closest to me, without even realizing that I was doing it. This comes from a combination of things, taking people for granted, for starters, but also because I have a lot of insecurities. I've come to realize that sometimes the things I say are strategic- they make me look good, but they do so at the expense of other people. I really don't know why I have a need to make myself look good (especially around the people who have seen the best and worst of me) but I guess I do it because other people are doing interesting and incredible things and I don’t think I really measure up. The trouble is, I don't really show people the interesting things that I've been doing either, I concentrate on putting myself down (especially physically) and through that putting other people down. I don't think that’s justifiable and now that I realize I do that, I'm gong to try as hard as I can to stop. The fact that I don't treat friends with enough respect or myself with enough respect was never okay and now that I realize I do it, I know I need to change. I'm really thankful to my friends, especially to Lali, for being strong enough and brave enough to point out that these things I do aren't ok. I've been blessed enough to be surrounded by amazing people in my life, many of whom have accomplished so much in the last 3 years that its really incredible, and I'm not being the friend they deserve by belittling them to make myself feel better. I'm also not giving myself enough credit (and it may be very selfish to say, but I think its more selfish for me to put people down for my own needs) and I need to remember that I am doing things now that I've always wanted to do and I'm doing a good job. I'm lucky and I've worked very hard--so have my friends--and I understand that I'll never be able to pay the people around me the proper respect they deserve unless I have a little understanding of what it means to respect myself. The trouble is, I’m not always aware of what I do, so I’m hoping people will point it out. Please.
I donno.…maybe that’s all for now. Alina, I’m sorry I didn’t call you last night. I was feeling kind of down and I needed to be alone for a while. I hope you had fun, whatever you decided to go do.
Hippos kill more people in Africa than any other animal.
Recently, I've been uncomfortable with my body because it is the source of pain--I'm learning to see myself as a person with chronic pain (migraines) and that’s not something that is easy to do. I almost feel like I’ve been short changed some how-- that illness and pain is something that is supposed to happen to someone who is older than I am. Knowing that I can have pain at any time and for absolutely no good reason has left me feeling very vulnerable and very powerless. But it has also made me realize that I need to get to know how my body functions better….
I've been thinking a lot lately about what it means to be an adult (probably because I just turned twenty) and part of that definition, for me, is what it means to treat other people with respect. I understand that, for most of my life, I have been, at times, very callous, shallow, and cruel to other people, especially the people closest to me, without even realizing that I was doing it. This comes from a combination of things, taking people for granted, for starters, but also because I have a lot of insecurities. I've come to realize that sometimes the things I say are strategic- they make me look good, but they do so at the expense of other people. I really don't know why I have a need to make myself look good (especially around the people who have seen the best and worst of me) but I guess I do it because other people are doing interesting and incredible things and I don’t think I really measure up. The trouble is, I don't really show people the interesting things that I've been doing either, I concentrate on putting myself down (especially physically) and through that putting other people down. I don't think that’s justifiable and now that I realize I do that, I'm gong to try as hard as I can to stop. The fact that I don't treat friends with enough respect or myself with enough respect was never okay and now that I realize I do it, I know I need to change. I'm really thankful to my friends, especially to Lali, for being strong enough and brave enough to point out that these things I do aren't ok. I've been blessed enough to be surrounded by amazing people in my life, many of whom have accomplished so much in the last 3 years that its really incredible, and I'm not being the friend they deserve by belittling them to make myself feel better. I'm also not giving myself enough credit (and it may be very selfish to say, but I think its more selfish for me to put people down for my own needs) and I need to remember that I am doing things now that I've always wanted to do and I'm doing a good job. I'm lucky and I've worked very hard--so have my friends--and I understand that I'll never be able to pay the people around me the proper respect they deserve unless I have a little understanding of what it means to respect myself. The trouble is, I’m not always aware of what I do, so I’m hoping people will point it out. Please.
I donno.…maybe that’s all for now. Alina, I’m sorry I didn’t call you last night. I was feeling kind of down and I needed to be alone for a while. I hope you had fun, whatever you decided to go do.
Hippos kill more people in Africa than any other animal.