For couples_therapy: How well does your partner fit into your life? [private]
I guess since this is therapy, I'm supposed to be honest, right? That's not usually a problem for me, but with this... I don't know. I'm not really sure how to answer, but this is private, so I guess I might as well put it all out there.
Sometimes I wish I were the kind of person who could declare that Lindsey fits into my life because he IS my life, or some romantic sappy crap like that. But that's not me. I've never been the type of girl to put everything she has into a relationship and make the guy her entire world. I need more than just one person in my life to be happy. And while that helps when relationships end, and keeps me from falling into a pit of despair for months afterwards, I think it also makes it harder for me to commit to someone in the first place. If there's one person my world revolves around, it's me.
Anyway, back to the point of this: how Lindsey fits into my life. Well, he does, and he doesn't. See, my life has kind of become split over the past year or so. I have my life here in Los Angeles, with Lindsey and the dog and our work at Wesley's agency, and for the most part, it all fits pretty well. But there's another life, the one I had before he came along, with all of my friends - who are pretty much my family, as far as I'm concerned - and that one's kind of gotten pushed aside because Lindsey doesn't fit so well into it. He doesn't like my friends, and they don't like him. It's hard, being in the middle of that all the time. If I want to go visit them, he feels like he's being abandoned or that I'm choosing them over him. If I stay with him, then they start to feel like the ones being put aside. And while I love Lindsey, I also love my friends, and the way things are right now, I feel like I'm never really happy, because I'm always sacrificing one or the other of them.
Like this weekend. I'm going to New York for my niece's birthday, and Lindsey isn't coming with me. Deep down, I know that's probably for the best, because if he was there, I'd spend most of the time worrying about him - that he wasn't enjoying himself, that he'd get into an argument with Kara or Angel, that he'd feel like I was ignoring him if I spent too much time with the others... you get the picture. Sometimes I find that I'm kind of relieved when I can go by myself, because when he stays home, I can relax a little more. Until I talk to him on the phone and hear the strain in his voice because he feels lonely or annoyed that I'm not with him.
When we first started dating, I told myself it wasn't that big a deal that he and my friends didn't get along. I convinced myself it wouldn't always be that way, that after a while, everyone would come around to accepting one another, and even if they never became best pals, they would at least be able to be pleasant with each other. Right now, civility is the best I can expect, and while that's nice, there's still that underlying tension with everyone. Or maybe it's just me that's tense? I don't know. I just know that it hasn't really gotten better, and I'm starting to think it never will. So where does that leave me? Always stuck between two halves of a life? I can't live like that.
He wants to marry me one day. He's already proposed, sort of. It's been almost a year and I haven't answered yet, because up until a few months ago, I was dying. And now that I'm not, I still can't say yes. Maybe I'm just really afraid of commitment after my first marriage went so badly, or maybe I can't stop thinking about how, if I marry him, I'll end up losing my friends even more. It's already happening. I can already feel myself getting more and more isolated from them, and I hate it.
It's more than just missing my friends that's bothering me lately, though. If that were the only thing, I would find a way to deal, because I don't want to have to choose one of them over the other. But there's also the whole marriage and kids and family mess - especially the kids part. I'm not sure I'll ever be ready to try to have another baby again. Losing Christine nearly killed me. I couldn't go through that again, I wouldn't survive it. Why take the risk? I'm happy enough without kids; I have a niece and nephew to spoil rotten. Any time I need a baby fix, I can go visit them. The rest of the time, I have this new job that has me on constant call, and I never know when I'm going to get pulled away for it. How would that work with a family? What if the baby couldn't teleport with me, and the first time I had to go do oracle business, I lost it? I would die if that happened. Absolutely DIE.
I thought I would feel better about marriage and kids once we were together for a while, but I don't. If anything, I feel worse about it, and I'm starting to think I can't be what Lindsey wants anymore. I can't be that wife and mother with the happily ever after he's dreaming about, because I don't think happily ever after is meant for me. I've come to terms with the idea of not having kids or getting married, and I'm actually pretty good with it. I like the freedom of not being married, and not having kids to worry about all the time. Most of the time I don't even like having a dog to worry about. But he wouldn't be happy without all that. He might say he is, so I don't worry or feel pressured, but I see how he looks when he sees people with a baby, or something reminds him of that fake family Wolfram & Hart gave him in the holding dimension. It's what he wants more than anything, and I thought it would be what I wanted, too, but it's not. It may never be, so how unfair is it to keep him waiting just because I might change my mind a few years down the road?
Maybe the real problem is that I don't fit into his life, not the other way around. At least, not the life he wants for us.
I love Lindsey. The last thing I want to do is lose him, or hurt him. But I'm not happy anymore, and all I'm doing is stringing him along with this false vision of a future I can't ever give him. It's not fair to him, or to me. I just wish I knew what to do about it.
Sometimes I wish I were the kind of person who could declare that Lindsey fits into my life because he IS my life, or some romantic sappy crap like that. But that's not me. I've never been the type of girl to put everything she has into a relationship and make the guy her entire world. I need more than just one person in my life to be happy. And while that helps when relationships end, and keeps me from falling into a pit of despair for months afterwards, I think it also makes it harder for me to commit to someone in the first place. If there's one person my world revolves around, it's me.
Anyway, back to the point of this: how Lindsey fits into my life. Well, he does, and he doesn't. See, my life has kind of become split over the past year or so. I have my life here in Los Angeles, with Lindsey and the dog and our work at Wesley's agency, and for the most part, it all fits pretty well. But there's another life, the one I had before he came along, with all of my friends - who are pretty much my family, as far as I'm concerned - and that one's kind of gotten pushed aside because Lindsey doesn't fit so well into it. He doesn't like my friends, and they don't like him. It's hard, being in the middle of that all the time. If I want to go visit them, he feels like he's being abandoned or that I'm choosing them over him. If I stay with him, then they start to feel like the ones being put aside. And while I love Lindsey, I also love my friends, and the way things are right now, I feel like I'm never really happy, because I'm always sacrificing one or the other of them.
Like this weekend. I'm going to New York for my niece's birthday, and Lindsey isn't coming with me. Deep down, I know that's probably for the best, because if he was there, I'd spend most of the time worrying about him - that he wasn't enjoying himself, that he'd get into an argument with Kara or Angel, that he'd feel like I was ignoring him if I spent too much time with the others... you get the picture. Sometimes I find that I'm kind of relieved when I can go by myself, because when he stays home, I can relax a little more. Until I talk to him on the phone and hear the strain in his voice because he feels lonely or annoyed that I'm not with him.
When we first started dating, I told myself it wasn't that big a deal that he and my friends didn't get along. I convinced myself it wouldn't always be that way, that after a while, everyone would come around to accepting one another, and even if they never became best pals, they would at least be able to be pleasant with each other. Right now, civility is the best I can expect, and while that's nice, there's still that underlying tension with everyone. Or maybe it's just me that's tense? I don't know. I just know that it hasn't really gotten better, and I'm starting to think it never will. So where does that leave me? Always stuck between two halves of a life? I can't live like that.
He wants to marry me one day. He's already proposed, sort of. It's been almost a year and I haven't answered yet, because up until a few months ago, I was dying. And now that I'm not, I still can't say yes. Maybe I'm just really afraid of commitment after my first marriage went so badly, or maybe I can't stop thinking about how, if I marry him, I'll end up losing my friends even more. It's already happening. I can already feel myself getting more and more isolated from them, and I hate it.
It's more than just missing my friends that's bothering me lately, though. If that were the only thing, I would find a way to deal, because I don't want to have to choose one of them over the other. But there's also the whole marriage and kids and family mess - especially the kids part. I'm not sure I'll ever be ready to try to have another baby again. Losing Christine nearly killed me. I couldn't go through that again, I wouldn't survive it. Why take the risk? I'm happy enough without kids; I have a niece and nephew to spoil rotten. Any time I need a baby fix, I can go visit them. The rest of the time, I have this new job that has me on constant call, and I never know when I'm going to get pulled away for it. How would that work with a family? What if the baby couldn't teleport with me, and the first time I had to go do oracle business, I lost it? I would die if that happened. Absolutely DIE.
I thought I would feel better about marriage and kids once we were together for a while, but I don't. If anything, I feel worse about it, and I'm starting to think I can't be what Lindsey wants anymore. I can't be that wife and mother with the happily ever after he's dreaming about, because I don't think happily ever after is meant for me. I've come to terms with the idea of not having kids or getting married, and I'm actually pretty good with it. I like the freedom of not being married, and not having kids to worry about all the time. Most of the time I don't even like having a dog to worry about. But he wouldn't be happy without all that. He might say he is, so I don't worry or feel pressured, but I see how he looks when he sees people with a baby, or something reminds him of that fake family Wolfram & Hart gave him in the holding dimension. It's what he wants more than anything, and I thought it would be what I wanted, too, but it's not. It may never be, so how unfair is it to keep him waiting just because I might change my mind a few years down the road?
Maybe the real problem is that I don't fit into his life, not the other way around. At least, not the life he wants for us.
I love Lindsey. The last thing I want to do is lose him, or hurt him. But I'm not happy anymore, and all I'm doing is stringing him along with this false vision of a future I can't ever give him. It's not fair to him, or to me. I just wish I knew what to do about it.