close-minded
i think i might be. goddamn guys. i'm in a mess today. i'm late for class as of this moment and i don't care very much at all. this worries me. i have so many absences... but... last time i went i nearly had a complete breakdown... i fucking hate it. i wanna hide in a cave and grow a beard or find a secluded meadow and go blow bubbles in it. ABSENCES. i skipped 2d on wednesday because i still have hangups about bursting into tears in public. i'm chugging coffee to make myself want to go but i'm late already and i'm sitting on my bedroom floor naked being cross because someone friended me on facebook and i don't know who she is even though i feel like i ought to from somewhere and she's a raving christian who made a HUGE note dedicated to dissing marijuana. i'm not sure i can handle it. maybe she's just what i need to get myself out of this somewhat narrowminded rut i seem to have fallen in. she's in a group about "fixing" america by being conservative and one about being 'sober for christ' like christ never drank anything... blah blah. like it's not obvious that jesus was a total pothead anyway. did i just get defensive of america? awww. i like america. it's not her fault she's overrun by fanatic bossy creeps. i like the elemental america. kerouac's america. brain just said 'for god so loved the toilet seat'. I DON"T WANT TO GO TO CLASS!!!!!!!!!!! fuckity. maybe i'll skip colour theory and go to 2d. that way i can sit here and kind of catch up on what i missed in 2d before and get my brain together before i go out. i think i just saw lightning : D i love new leaves. i love people. they're beautiful. i want to talk to this girl. how do you say 'hello, you believe in everything i can think of off the top of my head that's against me and everything i stand for so i want to talk to you so i don't hate people like you' without being offensive? i want to see christianity as something beautiful and spiritual and free but i CAN'T. brain said 'maybe cause it's not' but it was like sahrah was saying it. i love my stuffed animals. i love them more than colour theory. i love netflix. i dunno how stuffed dogs and colour theory can actually be compared but whatever. if that idea about catching up in 2d is going to work i might wanna start DOING SOMETHING. but i really don't. it turns out my coffee mug holds 2 cups. how pathetic am i that the only thing keeping me froming going berserk and running away from the circus is fucking CAFFEINE? i thought i would never come to this. that's part of why i stayed home. i don't know how to express how much i don't want to do this to myself. it's almost the end. almost the end and still i can't bloody function. the trees look so green. so brave and new. i wonder if they want to. i feel so much better when i'm not anti. how can i be a source of flow if i'm anti? i don't know what 'source of flow' means exactly but my brain said it. patchouli smells so rich and honest. people don't need to see that i'm not like them or even what i am like. i will just sit here and they can be annoyed at me if they want to. i'm such a mess. you see, no one acts like me. i confound my teachers rather badly i think. they don't know how to handle a kid who gets straight As and then just decides not to do a project. neither do i, for that matter XD damn having your teachers on facebook. damn being on facebook when your teachers whose classes you're skipping are also on facebook. let's pretend it's the weather. the rain and thunder get me down. what a lot of bull. the thunder is my friend. thunder makes me feel so alive. sitting in class with people who call me 'she' makes me feel so dead. the green walls pressing in and mocking me... ask me if i'm crazy. they'll tell you i'm proper crazy. anybody will. i'm mentally deranged, delusional, won't sit still won't follow the rules and my mood swings are tremendous. GOD THE LIGHTNING!!! eat it. let it eat me.
why do people have to be so precious? if i could hate i could protect myself.
i just wondered... do people who hate WHAT i am hate me like i hate what THEY are? i hate their submissiveness... i hate their hate... i hate that they would hurt someone so they can continue in their submissiveness.... i hate that they preach love and spew hate simultaneously... i hate that i hate everything they stand for but i can't hate THEM. i hate that i used to be just like them. i hate that i fell for it. i hate that i hated. i hate that i thought i needed some mythical being to give my life meaning. i hate that i blindly believed everything i was told... that i followed the rules even though they were so vile like barbed wire twisting rusted into flesh. blood everywhere. what now?
and now... i just hate that i could hurt people so easily... just because i can't stop hating SOMETHING.
i sent paul a message.
"i can't come to class, paul. i can't stop crying. i can't handle stepping in the door and getting OMG IS SHE OK?!? cause i'm not. i'm all fucked up."
i dunno what he'll think. i don't care. i mean... i might as well be honest. i can trust him.
i don't know what to do. i feel all hollow and empty like someone's chipping away pieces of me. deep down i think i just want people to understand. i want them to see me as i see me. i feel so hurt. when it gets the worst i go on facebook... cause i'm hoping someone will notice.
i have more mental breakdowns than anyone i know.
people just do their thing. why can't i just leave them alone and let them do their thing? i mean... what they think of me can't possibly be any worse than what i think of them. except that i know it's a lie. what's the use? what am i even good for? it would be nice to throw myself out the window. the rain would turn all my blood pink. i'd be all smashed and mutilated. hopefully. why do i DO this? i do it so often lately. it probably means i have a DISorder. another one. i don't even know what i want. do i want the world to run how i see fit? am i just another THEM? maybe i want to fly away. in the rain. fly down down down to the concrete... and it can open up and my soul can fly through the cracks. but my body will burst. i like my body. i like being alive. i don't like being one place when someone wants me to be somewhere else. i don't like thinking they're thinking ill of me. why should i care? i was doing well for like three days and then it fell again. what is well? i mean i was doing what they want but not particularly minding. i was following the rules without pain. i'm not very good at breaking the rules actually, because i feel ... i want to make people happy. i mean... there are loads of kids in class and most of them do what they're told. they don't NEED me. they want me to be me and being a 'good student' at the same time. they want me to amaze them and follow the rules at the same time. i don't play like that. it's not that i don't WANT to follow the rules exactly... just when they conflict. or when i'm having a nervous breakdown like now. and besides, it disturbs me that they think i'm trying to be some rebel person... i'm not trying to be anything. they think i'm stupid and immature and that i'll grow out of it. they think it's a phase. like my identity is a phase. phase out. we'll get that baby back in dresses one day. sweet transvestite. i feel like i'm being devoured. i want to get away. but there is no away. someone will want something of me no matter where i go. someone will think i'm an unholy abomination no matter where i go. is the only defense REALLY thinking everything they stand for is stupid? i mean... the stuff they SAY they stand for is very nice. but really... how would i know? i'm generalizing... categorizing... trying to protect myself just like them. collective guilt. hating in clumps. i don't hate anyone but i hate a hell of a lot of stuff they represent to me. look what you did, jude. look what you're doing. i feel so empty. i don't want to be this kid. i don't want to be anti. i don't want to put people in categories and scream FUCK YOU at them all. but how else do i stay safe? i'm not safe right now. so it's not working. if i could truly hate them... if i could not care about anything they say or do or feel... if i could burn them to the ground and laugh at the flame and their screams.... then i would be safe. i could fly on wings of fire. but i wouldn't be me. the elements ... i'm like a cosmic joke. the battle inside. and when it's all said and done, there IS no 'them'. because there are only people one by one. and the people i would like to scorn are the people who mock all my raging with their gentle love.
blah. blah blah blah. i'm tired and hungry and that whole post i just made is a lot of raving bitchery.
why do people have to be so precious? if i could hate i could protect myself.
i just wondered... do people who hate WHAT i am hate me like i hate what THEY are? i hate their submissiveness... i hate their hate... i hate that they would hurt someone so they can continue in their submissiveness.... i hate that they preach love and spew hate simultaneously... i hate that i hate everything they stand for but i can't hate THEM. i hate that i used to be just like them. i hate that i fell for it. i hate that i hated. i hate that i thought i needed some mythical being to give my life meaning. i hate that i blindly believed everything i was told... that i followed the rules even though they were so vile like barbed wire twisting rusted into flesh. blood everywhere. what now?
and now... i just hate that i could hurt people so easily... just because i can't stop hating SOMETHING.
i sent paul a message.
"i can't come to class, paul. i can't stop crying. i can't handle stepping in the door and getting OMG IS SHE OK?!? cause i'm not. i'm all fucked up."
i dunno what he'll think. i don't care. i mean... i might as well be honest. i can trust him.
i don't know what to do. i feel all hollow and empty like someone's chipping away pieces of me. deep down i think i just want people to understand. i want them to see me as i see me. i feel so hurt. when it gets the worst i go on facebook... cause i'm hoping someone will notice.
i have more mental breakdowns than anyone i know.
people just do their thing. why can't i just leave them alone and let them do their thing? i mean... what they think of me can't possibly be any worse than what i think of them. except that i know it's a lie. what's the use? what am i even good for? it would be nice to throw myself out the window. the rain would turn all my blood pink. i'd be all smashed and mutilated. hopefully. why do i DO this? i do it so often lately. it probably means i have a DISorder. another one. i don't even know what i want. do i want the world to run how i see fit? am i just another THEM? maybe i want to fly away. in the rain. fly down down down to the concrete... and it can open up and my soul can fly through the cracks. but my body will burst. i like my body. i like being alive. i don't like being one place when someone wants me to be somewhere else. i don't like thinking they're thinking ill of me. why should i care? i was doing well for like three days and then it fell again. what is well? i mean i was doing what they want but not particularly minding. i was following the rules without pain. i'm not very good at breaking the rules actually, because i feel ... i want to make people happy. i mean... there are loads of kids in class and most of them do what they're told. they don't NEED me. they want me to be me and being a 'good student' at the same time. they want me to amaze them and follow the rules at the same time. i don't play like that. it's not that i don't WANT to follow the rules exactly... just when they conflict. or when i'm having a nervous breakdown like now. and besides, it disturbs me that they think i'm trying to be some rebel person... i'm not trying to be anything. they think i'm stupid and immature and that i'll grow out of it. they think it's a phase. like my identity is a phase. phase out. we'll get that baby back in dresses one day. sweet transvestite. i feel like i'm being devoured. i want to get away. but there is no away. someone will want something of me no matter where i go. someone will think i'm an unholy abomination no matter where i go. is the only defense REALLY thinking everything they stand for is stupid? i mean... the stuff they SAY they stand for is very nice. but really... how would i know? i'm generalizing... categorizing... trying to protect myself just like them. collective guilt. hating in clumps. i don't hate anyone but i hate a hell of a lot of stuff they represent to me. look what you did, jude. look what you're doing. i feel so empty. i don't want to be this kid. i don't want to be anti. i don't want to put people in categories and scream FUCK YOU at them all. but how else do i stay safe? i'm not safe right now. so it's not working. if i could truly hate them... if i could not care about anything they say or do or feel... if i could burn them to the ground and laugh at the flame and their screams.... then i would be safe. i could fly on wings of fire. but i wouldn't be me. the elements ... i'm like a cosmic joke. the battle inside. and when it's all said and done, there IS no 'them'. because there are only people one by one. and the people i would like to scorn are the people who mock all my raging with their gentle love.
blah. blah blah blah. i'm tired and hungry and that whole post i just made is a lot of raving bitchery.