sometimes
... I think that what I really need is just the occasional chance to talk about those screamingly silent thoughts that run through my head as I dash through this madness of a life in which everything and nothing matters at all.
What am I doing here?!?!?!?!????!?!?
Anybody?!?!?!?!?!?!????!!!
Maybe ya'll are just playin'. Maybe I'm really here with millions and millions of my heroes I've been reading about and trusting You to put behind my back when I need a good shove in the right direction or just a prop so that I don't fall down... but maybe in the evil twin's quest to out-run the angels and jump into the pit with the deamons I've actually won (read *LOST*) the race and they've left me for dead and rotting and better damn well be happy with it.
Which I'm not.
Did You hear that UP THERE??!?!!?!
I'M NOT.
I know that sometimes it looks like I'm satisfied and have ceased to beat down Your door with all of those mostly pointless silly please-i-want-i-need-if-i-don't-get-i'll-die-surely-no-really-this-time-i'm-serious-PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE!?!??!?!?!?!?-s I've throwing at You for years and years, but that's a farce. We both know You'll never really be rid of me. Lurking inside the almost balmy exterior is a stubborn bitch who has never ever been good at putting up and shutting up and riding life... I want to be the carnie pushing the buttons, but I've been too scared to jump off the Faris Wheel, knock down the evil twin, and grab the controls...
This lie of an existance, this crazy wallflower anti-dance I've been stuck to for years and years is about to bust wide open...
watch for it...
wait for it...
wait for it...
there.
Did you see it?
I did that for You.
I know it's ridiculously small and I could do oh-so-much-better and I want to no-really-I-do... but what if that's all I got in me? Sometimes I think maybe You just didn't put any more in there and the quest I'm on is one to realize that there is an end, but I really-no-REALLY FEEL MORE.
Feel more?... is it possible to feel MORE?
Remember that pit of water in "The Land Before Time"? The one the T-Rex fell into? That's me. Yeah, complete with the big, ugly, scary-toothed monster that's going to eat you... but maybe that's everybody, which makes me not special, which makes me really pretty normal, like all of the rest of these people who feel special and really aren't... except I AM, DAMMIT...
See, the water could be really, REALLY useful! Dehydration abounds. It's not all of the water in the world, but it is at least SOME, and everybody is REALLY FUCKING THIRSTY, but there is a REALLY SCARY MONSTER IN THERE. I'm sitting on the fucking float, rubbed down with sun-tan lotion, wondering what I'm going to do if I get burnt, and doing everything I can to avoid thinking about the people all over who are FUCKING THIRSTY while I sit in my pool and try REALLY HARD not to think about how I'm just getting fat and lazy and useless... oh, and there is a MONSTER in there who will EAT ME at ANY SECOND. So what I'm saying is... ready for this?
YES, there's a point. ---------> I'm a brown, sun-bathing hottie, but who the fuck cares?
I'm bored
... and besides, that thirsty guy over there is starting to look really rough.
You made the pool with the monster in it. Now let's deal with the fucking monster instead of floating on the surface, wondering when it's going to pop up and eat my ass. Put me where I need to be to fight it head on (and tell the angels I'm sorry. I'll distract the monster so that they can get some water if they'll just back me up. I'm a good distraction. Send the angels so that if I am eaten and really do fail at least the soundtrack will be good... You know that I always dance faster when the soundtrack is good... I always wanted to die standing up anyway).
Why do I feel like You're up There, shaking your head, tapping your foot, and wondering what the hell took me so long?
I'm sorry I was late, Sir. I distracted myself. It's bound to happen again, but please remember that I'll be sorry then, too. All I ask is that you laugh and tell the angels to turn it up.
What am I doing here?!?!?!?!????!?!?
Anybody?!?!?!?!?!?!????!!!
Maybe ya'll are just playin'. Maybe I'm really here with millions and millions of my heroes I've been reading about and trusting You to put behind my back when I need a good shove in the right direction or just a prop so that I don't fall down... but maybe in the evil twin's quest to out-run the angels and jump into the pit with the deamons I've actually won (read *LOST*) the race and they've left me for dead and rotting and better damn well be happy with it.
Which I'm not.
Did You hear that UP THERE??!?!!?!
I'M NOT.
I know that sometimes it looks like I'm satisfied and have ceased to beat down Your door with all of those mostly pointless silly please-i-want-i-need-if-i-don't-get-i'll-die-surely-no-really-this-time-i'm-serious-PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE!?!??!?!?!?!?-s I've throwing at You for years and years, but that's a farce. We both know You'll never really be rid of me. Lurking inside the almost balmy exterior is a stubborn bitch who has never ever been good at putting up and shutting up and riding life... I want to be the carnie pushing the buttons, but I've been too scared to jump off the Faris Wheel, knock down the evil twin, and grab the controls...
This lie of an existance, this crazy wallflower anti-dance I've been stuck to for years and years is about to bust wide open...
watch for it...
wait for it...
wait for it...
there.
Did you see it?
I did that for You.
I know it's ridiculously small and I could do oh-so-much-better and I want to no-really-I-do... but what if that's all I got in me? Sometimes I think maybe You just didn't put any more in there and the quest I'm on is one to realize that there is an end, but I really-no-REALLY FEEL MORE.
Feel more?... is it possible to feel MORE?
Remember that pit of water in "The Land Before Time"? The one the T-Rex fell into? That's me. Yeah, complete with the big, ugly, scary-toothed monster that's going to eat you... but maybe that's everybody, which makes me not special, which makes me really pretty normal, like all of the rest of these people who feel special and really aren't... except I AM, DAMMIT...
See, the water could be really, REALLY useful! Dehydration abounds. It's not all of the water in the world, but it is at least SOME, and everybody is REALLY FUCKING THIRSTY, but there is a REALLY SCARY MONSTER IN THERE. I'm sitting on the fucking float, rubbed down with sun-tan lotion, wondering what I'm going to do if I get burnt, and doing everything I can to avoid thinking about the people all over who are FUCKING THIRSTY while I sit in my pool and try REALLY HARD not to think about how I'm just getting fat and lazy and useless... oh, and there is a MONSTER in there who will EAT ME at ANY SECOND. So what I'm saying is... ready for this?
YES, there's a point. ---------> I'm a brown, sun-bathing hottie, but who the fuck cares?
I'm bored
... and besides, that thirsty guy over there is starting to look really rough.
You made the pool with the monster in it. Now let's deal with the fucking monster instead of floating on the surface, wondering when it's going to pop up and eat my ass. Put me where I need to be to fight it head on (and tell the angels I'm sorry. I'll distract the monster so that they can get some water if they'll just back me up. I'm a good distraction. Send the angels so that if I am eaten and really do fail at least the soundtrack will be good... You know that I always dance faster when the soundtrack is good... I always wanted to die standing up anyway).
Why do I feel like You're up There, shaking your head, tapping your foot, and wondering what the hell took me so long?
I'm sorry I was late, Sir. I distracted myself. It's bound to happen again, but please remember that I'll be sorry then, too. All I ask is that you laugh and tell the angels to turn it up.