I Knew I Should Have Gone to Brazil
Like most of the nations above the equator, Switzerland is now in the midst of winter. There is pure white snow blanketing the ground; without a sign of slush, or that crappy, gray stuff underneath any cars. The snow is sticky and thick; the kind that is perfect for packing into ball form for a freindly snow battle. The weather is cold, but not without being too cold. And the trees are beautifully decorated with icicles and sprinkled snow. Many might describe it all as a 'Winter Wonderland'. But Ned, if everything is so nice, why do you hate it so much?
WINTER FUCKING SPORTS, THAT'S WHY!
I thought I could do it, but the goal was not to be accomplished. I suppose it had to come sooner or later, as the odds were entirely against me. It was one man against an entire nation; a nation that had been conspiring against guys like him since its inception. In the end, it was easier to be broken, than to fight the system.
That's right, folks. My valiant resistance to winter sports came to an end today, and it sucked almost as much as imagined.
For four months a year, Swiss nationals of every age, gender, and temperament partake in Wintersports: a habit nearly as dangerous and expensive as herion. They go every weekend, every day off, any time they can. They know not why they go, they just do. They assiduously return to the mountains to blow $50 and all of their free time. They do it because they are Swiss and it has been etched into their DNA. And I wanted nothing to do with it.
Among the many divisions between human peoples is that between those who get thrills from nearly killing themselves and those who feel that the whole practice is stupid. While many people seem to enjoy getting thrown about, beat up, or falling from outragous heights, I do not. Nevertheless, I always seem to be bamboozled into riding the roller coaster, or whatever it may be, usually with such stupid and downright false claims such as 'C'mon, it's really fun' or 'Oh, it'll be over in a minute and when it is you'll want to do it again'. Wrong and wrong again. Why the hell do people enjoy tourturing themselves so much I will never know, but it had been my goal this winter to not be coaxed into joining into such horrible rituals such as tree dodging (or skiing, as you nutjobs call it). Yet no matter my effort, the Evil Swiss Conspiricy caught me at every step. I tell them I don't have a snowboard, somebody donates me one. I tell them I don't know how, they offer me lessons. I tell them I don't have money for a mountain pass, they buy me one for christmas. And today when my host family offered to take me to Mt. Rigi for an afternoon of sledding, I had no excuses left.
Summary of events:
Average speed: A zillion miles per hour.
Trees narrowly avoided: Too many.
Cliffs almost fallen off of: Enough.
# of times thrown from sleigh and into snowbank: Maybe 18.
Times another sleigh rammed me from behind: Don't remember, but I think I have whiplash.
Level of discompfort for the testicles: Constant. Think getting kicked very hard in the groin, except that the pain is spread out instead of all at once.
Times younger host brother told me I was riding too slow: Big whole bunch.
Times host father tried to give me tips in effective sledding: 3 or 4.
Snow stuck in boot: Enough to really, really suck.
Temperature for all of this: FUCKIN' COLD!
Woo-Eee. I can really see why so many people enjoy this crap!! Although I could have more effectivly put myself through the same amount of physical and emotional discomfort by either paying a dude to punch me in the nose or riding a pissed bull.
And whats better, this is only the beginning...
It's gon' be a LOOOOOOOOOOOOONG winter.
In other news:
Guess who has no right to complain about anything ever, ever again......Everyone not from Southeast Asiam that's who!
Seriously, next time you even think of whining about anything, just imagine that someone from sri lanka is right next to you. Example:
Complainer: Damn, I failed a test in school today. That teacher is such an asshole! To make matters worse, I stubbed my toe!! GOSH, IS THE WHOLE WORLD AGAINST ME?!!!!
Sri Lanka Dude: Well, at least a GAINT TSUNAMI DIDN'T DESTROY YOUR HOME AND ALREADY LESS FORTUNATE COUNTRY, NOT TO MENTION KILL YOUR ENTIRE FAMILY AND LEAVE THE SURVIVORS WITH NO SHELTER, FOOD, CLOTHES, WATER, ELECTRICITY, MEDICAL SUPPLIES, AND HOPE!
Complainer: (opens mouth as if to say something BEFORE REALIZING THAT NOTHING COULD EVER BE WORSE THAN THAT)
In other, other news:
R.I.P. Reggie White-Widely considered to be the best defensive end in history. Record 13 Consecutive Pro Bowls. 2 time Defensive Player of the year. 198 career sacks, once alltime record. Led league two consecutive seasons, while garnering at least 10 sacks 12 seasons, including a record 9 in a row. Led Packers to victory in Super Bowl XXXI.
R.I.P. Jerry Orbach-Destinguished new york stage career included originating the role of Billy Flynn in the crazy popular Chicago and Matt Huckleby(?) in the Fantasticks. Tony Award-Best Actor in a Musical-Promises, Promisies. Played bad-ass Lennie Brisko on Law and Order for 12 seasôns.
R.I.P.-What may end up being 200,000 people in Southeast Asia.
FUNNIEST THING I'VE READ IN A LONG TIME:
http://theonion.com/opinion/index.php?issue=4052&o=2
(sorry, don't know how to make a hyperlink, but trust me, it's worth the copy and paste)
PROFESSIONS I WOULD TAKE UP IF I WERE CLARK KENT:
3. Superhero.
PROS: Fighting crime, Being strong positive on children who will grow up respecting the law, Saving lives, Earning Respecr from millions, Generally making the world a better place.
CONS: No free time, Lack of Monetary Reward, Stress over maintaining secret identity, Great amount of responsibility, Guilt over not having done more in certain situations, Lack of understanding from assholes who will complain over everything that you can't get done.
2. Professional Athlete.
PROS: Huge contracts, Inspiring mankind with humble demenor and amazing athletic feats, Making the hall of fame in every sport imaginable, Winning championships, Get to represent nation in both winter and summer olynpic games, Free college, Accolades, Endorsement deals, Can retire by 40.
CONS: Having to control powers enough as too perform amazing feats without being totally unbelievible, Constant rumors of steriod use despite medical proof, Suspicion over questionable past, General public scrutiny.
1. Lover.
PROS: Need not be typed, although list includes compatability with normal lifestyle (or even an extrordinary one like #2)
CONS: Not many, although there's the potentiality of orgasm being to powerful for a human to handle.
TO BE CONTINUED.....
WINTER FUCKING SPORTS, THAT'S WHY!
I thought I could do it, but the goal was not to be accomplished. I suppose it had to come sooner or later, as the odds were entirely against me. It was one man against an entire nation; a nation that had been conspiring against guys like him since its inception. In the end, it was easier to be broken, than to fight the system.
That's right, folks. My valiant resistance to winter sports came to an end today, and it sucked almost as much as imagined.
For four months a year, Swiss nationals of every age, gender, and temperament partake in Wintersports: a habit nearly as dangerous and expensive as herion. They go every weekend, every day off, any time they can. They know not why they go, they just do. They assiduously return to the mountains to blow $50 and all of their free time. They do it because they are Swiss and it has been etched into their DNA. And I wanted nothing to do with it.
Among the many divisions between human peoples is that between those who get thrills from nearly killing themselves and those who feel that the whole practice is stupid. While many people seem to enjoy getting thrown about, beat up, or falling from outragous heights, I do not. Nevertheless, I always seem to be bamboozled into riding the roller coaster, or whatever it may be, usually with such stupid and downright false claims such as 'C'mon, it's really fun' or 'Oh, it'll be over in a minute and when it is you'll want to do it again'. Wrong and wrong again. Why the hell do people enjoy tourturing themselves so much I will never know, but it had been my goal this winter to not be coaxed into joining into such horrible rituals such as tree dodging (or skiing, as you nutjobs call it). Yet no matter my effort, the Evil Swiss Conspiricy caught me at every step. I tell them I don't have a snowboard, somebody donates me one. I tell them I don't know how, they offer me lessons. I tell them I don't have money for a mountain pass, they buy me one for christmas. And today when my host family offered to take me to Mt. Rigi for an afternoon of sledding, I had no excuses left.
Summary of events:
Average speed: A zillion miles per hour.
Trees narrowly avoided: Too many.
Cliffs almost fallen off of: Enough.
# of times thrown from sleigh and into snowbank: Maybe 18.
Times another sleigh rammed me from behind: Don't remember, but I think I have whiplash.
Level of discompfort for the testicles: Constant. Think getting kicked very hard in the groin, except that the pain is spread out instead of all at once.
Times younger host brother told me I was riding too slow: Big whole bunch.
Times host father tried to give me tips in effective sledding: 3 or 4.
Snow stuck in boot: Enough to really, really suck.
Temperature for all of this: FUCKIN' COLD!
Woo-Eee. I can really see why so many people enjoy this crap!! Although I could have more effectivly put myself through the same amount of physical and emotional discomfort by either paying a dude to punch me in the nose or riding a pissed bull.
And whats better, this is only the beginning...
It's gon' be a LOOOOOOOOOOOOONG winter.
In other news:
Guess who has no right to complain about anything ever, ever again......Everyone not from Southeast Asiam that's who!
Seriously, next time you even think of whining about anything, just imagine that someone from sri lanka is right next to you. Example:
Complainer: Damn, I failed a test in school today. That teacher is such an asshole! To make matters worse, I stubbed my toe!! GOSH, IS THE WHOLE WORLD AGAINST ME?!!!!
Sri Lanka Dude: Well, at least a GAINT TSUNAMI DIDN'T DESTROY YOUR HOME AND ALREADY LESS FORTUNATE COUNTRY, NOT TO MENTION KILL YOUR ENTIRE FAMILY AND LEAVE THE SURVIVORS WITH NO SHELTER, FOOD, CLOTHES, WATER, ELECTRICITY, MEDICAL SUPPLIES, AND HOPE!
Complainer: (opens mouth as if to say something BEFORE REALIZING THAT NOTHING COULD EVER BE WORSE THAN THAT)
In other, other news:
R.I.P. Reggie White-Widely considered to be the best defensive end in history. Record 13 Consecutive Pro Bowls. 2 time Defensive Player of the year. 198 career sacks, once alltime record. Led league two consecutive seasons, while garnering at least 10 sacks 12 seasons, including a record 9 in a row. Led Packers to victory in Super Bowl XXXI.
R.I.P. Jerry Orbach-Destinguished new york stage career included originating the role of Billy Flynn in the crazy popular Chicago and Matt Huckleby(?) in the Fantasticks. Tony Award-Best Actor in a Musical-Promises, Promisies. Played bad-ass Lennie Brisko on Law and Order for 12 seasôns.
R.I.P.-What may end up being 200,000 people in Southeast Asia.
FUNNIEST THING I'VE READ IN A LONG TIME:
http://theonion.com/opinion/index.php?issue=4052&o=2
(sorry, don't know how to make a hyperlink, but trust me, it's worth the copy and paste)
PROFESSIONS I WOULD TAKE UP IF I WERE CLARK KENT:
3. Superhero.
PROS: Fighting crime, Being strong positive on children who will grow up respecting the law, Saving lives, Earning Respecr from millions, Generally making the world a better place.
CONS: No free time, Lack of Monetary Reward, Stress over maintaining secret identity, Great amount of responsibility, Guilt over not having done more in certain situations, Lack of understanding from assholes who will complain over everything that you can't get done.
2. Professional Athlete.
PROS: Huge contracts, Inspiring mankind with humble demenor and amazing athletic feats, Making the hall of fame in every sport imaginable, Winning championships, Get to represent nation in both winter and summer olynpic games, Free college, Accolades, Endorsement deals, Can retire by 40.
CONS: Having to control powers enough as too perform amazing feats without being totally unbelievible, Constant rumors of steriod use despite medical proof, Suspicion over questionable past, General public scrutiny.
1. Lover.
PROS: Need not be typed, although list includes compatability with normal lifestyle (or even an extrordinary one like #2)
CONS: Not many, although there's the potentiality of orgasm being to powerful for a human to handle.
TO BE CONTINUED.....