Alienation And Isolation
It was a scene that hit rather close to home for both boys, who were trying their hardest not to think too hard, to swallow their tears down. Grizabella stood in the spotlight, singled out - pouring her heart out as she cried for someone, anyone, to connect with. To hear her. To see her.
“It reminds me of what Ms. Duvall repeats to us,” Blaine started quietly, his voice almost cracking halfway through. “About how all literature themes revolve around the life concept of Alienation and Isolation - and how if we ever need a fallback to write our essays on, to use that as our analytical base of argument.”
He meant for it to be a funny throwaway comment, but somehow, it just made the air heavier.
Finn had appeared yet again, popping up beside Rachel.
“You guys were being pretty quiet after all that yelling,” he whispered loudly, noticing how the other two boys were caught up in their own private conversation, murmuring in hushed tones. Rachel wondered if that was the truth, or if Finn had joined them out of loneliness.
“I hated that feeling,” Kurt spoke softly, catching their attention.
Blaine was focused on him, unconsciously scooting closer. Their knees bumped together, encouraging Kurt to continue. He nodded towards the screen.
“Every streetlamp seems to beat a fatalistic warning.” Victoria and Jemima, the purest and most innocent of all the characters, had reached out to this dirty and bedraggled outsider, only to be forced away as the others jeered and shunned her. Alienation. Isolation.
“I hated how people would treat me as if I were toxic - like I could infect them with something. I hated how they would look at me and avoid touching me, like I was contagious of some - some deadly disease.”
Finn frowned, something painful stabbing through his chest. It hurt to hear his brother talk so - brokenly. It made him feel guilty - he’d done that, more than once. He’d been upset that Kurt had a crush on him, and while both of them were at fault for that one, he continued to push Kurt into a corner without really realizing he’d been harming Kurt - telling him to tone himself down, to not sing with Sam.
“I think that’s the worst part,” Blaine agreed quietly, staring at his hands folded neatly in his lap. “It’s not the teasing or being pushed - it’s that sense of being alone. That’s what hurts the most - when you feel like you have no one to talk to, no one to go to. The name calling, those are just words. The bruises heal over time. But being shunned…”.
“Moonlight, turn your face to the moonlight / let the memory lead you / open up enter in / if you find there / the meaning of what happiness is / then a new life will begin.”
“Not having anyone there with you - it’s just too much to do on your own sometimes,” Kurt concurred. Blaine grasped his hand, weaving their fingers together. He smiled.
“But now we have each other.” And just like that, Kurt’s face lit up as he beamed happily.
Finn slid off the couch’s armrest.
“I’m gonna go call Sam and Puck - see if they want to play video games here.”
Rachel wondered if he saw the irony of having his best friends be the ones who hurt him most.
“He loves to regale them, if someone else pays / with anecdotes drawn from his palmiest days / for he once was a star / of the highest degree / he has acted with Irving, he’s acted with Tree / and he likes to relate his success on the Halls / where the Gallery once game him seven cat calls!”
“Do you ever think about the future?” Rachel asked them in a small voice, revealing the seriousness of her question.
“Please don’t tell me this is a segue way into a discussion about your funeral ideas,” Kurt pleaded dryly, though his face revealed him to be thinking deeply.
“I have played in my time / every possible part / and I used to know seventy speeches by heart!”
“I’m going to go to New York,” she started adamantly, her voice full of determination and fortitude. “Someone will notice my talent, I’m sure of it. I’m going to take advantage of every opportunity that I can get my hands on. I’m going to do whatever it takes to make the most of my dreams.”
“I really admire that,” Blaine complimented, eyebrows furrowed in concentration. “I think, if I wanted to do music, I wouldn’t go for fame though. I think I’d go for something more laidback and fun, without all that pressure and stress. Like café performances. Though I’m pretty sure that I’m going to major in teaching, so I guess that would be more of a hobby. What about you?”
He smiled, nudging Kurt with his shoulder.
“I did pretty well at organizing my father’s wedding. I like planning things, making things special. But, if we’re talking Broadway, I think I’d definitely be more into fashioning outfits and elaborate sets than actually performing - though I’d love to do that, too. So - stage production? It would give me a lot of options to work with.”
“You could work for me!” Rachel piped up excitedly. “You could do my costumes and makeup.”
“You won’t even let me give you a makeover,” Kurt drawled, rolling his eyes. She frowned.
“Last time I let you do that I went to school in black spandex.” He had the decency to feel bad for that particular prank of jealousy, and shifted uncomfortably in his seat.
“Well. There were - extenuating circumstances. I’ll make it up to you if you let me try again?” Her eyes brightened with enthusiasm.
“Does this mean I can join you on your Girl Dates to go mall shopping?” she asked eagerly. He pretended to sigh reluctantly, though the small smile tugging at the corner of his lips gave him away.
“I suppose. Mercedes and I are going Sunday,” he hinted. She nodded, thrilled.
Kurt wondered what it would be like, in the future. Would Rachel manage to push herself to the top, clawing her way up to her place on Broadway? He liked to think that someone with Rachel’s willpower could - would - break through all barriers and obstacles to get exactly what she wanted. That determination and hard work had to pay off at some point.
He wondered, when she looked back on her successful life, if she’d be as tainted by fame as Gus and Grizabella. Upset with her fall from grace, upset that all good things came to an end. Would she have regrets? Would she have wished things had gone differently? Would she find what she wanted, in the end?
He wondered if he would ever get what he was looking for. If he would find someone just for him. He had put so much effort into getting Finn. He had wanted so badly to just be able to feel the acceptance Sam had offered unknowingly. And now Blaine - Blaine, who was gay, who understood him - he wondered if his patience and trying would be enough. Would they be together, in the future? Or would they just stay friends?
He supposed that wouldn’t be too bad. Of course he wanted more - but he’d settle, if he had to.
Better to have something than to have nothing. He could live with that. That was his life, after all.
Gus walked offstage, cradled in the arms of Jellylorum as she comforted him with a soothing pat.
“It reminds me of what Ms. Duvall repeats to us,” Blaine started quietly, his voice almost cracking halfway through. “About how all literature themes revolve around the life concept of Alienation and Isolation - and how if we ever need a fallback to write our essays on, to use that as our analytical base of argument.”
He meant for it to be a funny throwaway comment, but somehow, it just made the air heavier.
Finn had appeared yet again, popping up beside Rachel.
“You guys were being pretty quiet after all that yelling,” he whispered loudly, noticing how the other two boys were caught up in their own private conversation, murmuring in hushed tones. Rachel wondered if that was the truth, or if Finn had joined them out of loneliness.
“I hated that feeling,” Kurt spoke softly, catching their attention.
Blaine was focused on him, unconsciously scooting closer. Their knees bumped together, encouraging Kurt to continue. He nodded towards the screen.
“Every streetlamp seems to beat a fatalistic warning.” Victoria and Jemima, the purest and most innocent of all the characters, had reached out to this dirty and bedraggled outsider, only to be forced away as the others jeered and shunned her. Alienation. Isolation.
“I hated how people would treat me as if I were toxic - like I could infect them with something. I hated how they would look at me and avoid touching me, like I was contagious of some - some deadly disease.”
Finn frowned, something painful stabbing through his chest. It hurt to hear his brother talk so - brokenly. It made him feel guilty - he’d done that, more than once. He’d been upset that Kurt had a crush on him, and while both of them were at fault for that one, he continued to push Kurt into a corner without really realizing he’d been harming Kurt - telling him to tone himself down, to not sing with Sam.
“I think that’s the worst part,” Blaine agreed quietly, staring at his hands folded neatly in his lap. “It’s not the teasing or being pushed - it’s that sense of being alone. That’s what hurts the most - when you feel like you have no one to talk to, no one to go to. The name calling, those are just words. The bruises heal over time. But being shunned…”.
“Moonlight, turn your face to the moonlight / let the memory lead you / open up enter in / if you find there / the meaning of what happiness is / then a new life will begin.”
“Not having anyone there with you - it’s just too much to do on your own sometimes,” Kurt concurred. Blaine grasped his hand, weaving their fingers together. He smiled.
“But now we have each other.” And just like that, Kurt’s face lit up as he beamed happily.
Finn slid off the couch’s armrest.
“I’m gonna go call Sam and Puck - see if they want to play video games here.”
Rachel wondered if he saw the irony of having his best friends be the ones who hurt him most.
“He loves to regale them, if someone else pays / with anecdotes drawn from his palmiest days / for he once was a star / of the highest degree / he has acted with Irving, he’s acted with Tree / and he likes to relate his success on the Halls / where the Gallery once game him seven cat calls!”
“Do you ever think about the future?” Rachel asked them in a small voice, revealing the seriousness of her question.
“Please don’t tell me this is a segue way into a discussion about your funeral ideas,” Kurt pleaded dryly, though his face revealed him to be thinking deeply.
“I have played in my time / every possible part / and I used to know seventy speeches by heart!”
“I’m going to go to New York,” she started adamantly, her voice full of determination and fortitude. “Someone will notice my talent, I’m sure of it. I’m going to take advantage of every opportunity that I can get my hands on. I’m going to do whatever it takes to make the most of my dreams.”
“I really admire that,” Blaine complimented, eyebrows furrowed in concentration. “I think, if I wanted to do music, I wouldn’t go for fame though. I think I’d go for something more laidback and fun, without all that pressure and stress. Like café performances. Though I’m pretty sure that I’m going to major in teaching, so I guess that would be more of a hobby. What about you?”
He smiled, nudging Kurt with his shoulder.
“I did pretty well at organizing my father’s wedding. I like planning things, making things special. But, if we’re talking Broadway, I think I’d definitely be more into fashioning outfits and elaborate sets than actually performing - though I’d love to do that, too. So - stage production? It would give me a lot of options to work with.”
“You could work for me!” Rachel piped up excitedly. “You could do my costumes and makeup.”
“You won’t even let me give you a makeover,” Kurt drawled, rolling his eyes. She frowned.
“Last time I let you do that I went to school in black spandex.” He had the decency to feel bad for that particular prank of jealousy, and shifted uncomfortably in his seat.
“Well. There were - extenuating circumstances. I’ll make it up to you if you let me try again?” Her eyes brightened with enthusiasm.
“Does this mean I can join you on your Girl Dates to go mall shopping?” she asked eagerly. He pretended to sigh reluctantly, though the small smile tugging at the corner of his lips gave him away.
“I suppose. Mercedes and I are going Sunday,” he hinted. She nodded, thrilled.
Kurt wondered what it would be like, in the future. Would Rachel manage to push herself to the top, clawing her way up to her place on Broadway? He liked to think that someone with Rachel’s willpower could - would - break through all barriers and obstacles to get exactly what she wanted. That determination and hard work had to pay off at some point.
He wondered, when she looked back on her successful life, if she’d be as tainted by fame as Gus and Grizabella. Upset with her fall from grace, upset that all good things came to an end. Would she have regrets? Would she have wished things had gone differently? Would she find what she wanted, in the end?
He wondered if he would ever get what he was looking for. If he would find someone just for him. He had put so much effort into getting Finn. He had wanted so badly to just be able to feel the acceptance Sam had offered unknowingly. And now Blaine - Blaine, who was gay, who understood him - he wondered if his patience and trying would be enough. Would they be together, in the future? Or would they just stay friends?
He supposed that wouldn’t be too bad. Of course he wanted more - but he’d settle, if he had to.
Better to have something than to have nothing. He could live with that. That was his life, after all.
Gus walked offstage, cradled in the arms of Jellylorum as she comforted him with a soothing pat.