Day 3: The Breakdown...and the Bomb Drop
It finally happened..I lost it completely tonight. I broke down, and tried to cry myself to sleep, but it wasn't happening. I texted RC to see if he was awake, and he was, and said he'd be right over.
He saw me as vulnerable as ever, i.e. bawling my eyes out. He started too. I asked him if he loved Ben, and he said no. OK...things looking up a bit. I told him to start, delete and block Ben from every form of communication he had available. Then he was to go to the Pride center and find a couples' therapist. And of course, to change the locks, since Ben still hadn't given the key back (that part smells funny, still). he agreed to do all of this. We'll see if it still happens. I told him I FB messaged his best friend, and asked if he could come back for a few days, because he's the only person that RC respects (yes, that includes me).
I again asked him why..and why it took 3 months for him to tell me. He had no answer, other than he was selfish, and didn't think of it. Then he said that Ben had something I didn't have, and that he always wanted: a Father. Did he ever meet this father? No, but he was hoping to.
He was hoping to? Why..so Ben could intro him as his BF?
Yes.
Well, that stopped me crying then and there, and I got mad again.
"No..that was a fantasy" I called bullshit and he didn't answer. Then he said that he had hoped Ben would be proud enough to intro RC to his dad as his BF.
I told him that when I was over the other day, and looking for his nail clippers (I'd broken a nail on his rabbit's cage), that I saw an unopened pack of rubbers. Since they used 1 rubber when they screwed, what was the reason for the other, new pack? There should have been 2 left in the pack, which he told me was in his desk. I reiterated I found a brand new pack in the bathrom cabinet, and he said he bought more rubbers. I asked again: was he planning on screwing him again after his next dose?
He didn't answer that. Then he gave a non-answer, the the effect of he didn't think past that because of the missed Prep dose, and him ending it n telling me.
And it all fell together.
So, basically, they were intending on taking this as long as they could, until either I walked in on them, or RC got enough courage to leave Aragorn and I.
The only reason RC put an end to it was because Ben forgot to take his Prep, so RC decided it was time to let me know about the affair. If he took the pill, or didn't tell RC that he'd forgotten to take it, they'd still be at it. Even tho he didn't think Ben loved him. But, he loved Ben. Because he had a father.
And until I walked in on them one night in the future, I would never have known.
The long hours I spent with him at the hospital when he had his bleed...the years I let him live here for free so he could start school...the care and love I gave him.
Nothing. It, and I, were worth nothing.
The kicker? When he said that "he could't think of a life without me" I immediately replied, "I can..you being a boyfriend of a kid half my age with a Daddy".
I wouldn't answer every time he said "I love you". How could I? He just told me he wanted someone else.
Every single fiber in me is telling me its over..dump RC now. And I know you'll all agree with that.
He says he wouldn't go back to Ben, but I think he would..in a heartbeat. Who else would he have to comfort him, now that he's stabbed me in the heart, and Aragorn, when he finds out, will throw him out of the complex.
I have some thinking to do.
He saw me as vulnerable as ever, i.e. bawling my eyes out. He started too. I asked him if he loved Ben, and he said no. OK...things looking up a bit. I told him to start, delete and block Ben from every form of communication he had available. Then he was to go to the Pride center and find a couples' therapist. And of course, to change the locks, since Ben still hadn't given the key back (that part smells funny, still). he agreed to do all of this. We'll see if it still happens. I told him I FB messaged his best friend, and asked if he could come back for a few days, because he's the only person that RC respects (yes, that includes me).
I again asked him why..and why it took 3 months for him to tell me. He had no answer, other than he was selfish, and didn't think of it. Then he said that Ben had something I didn't have, and that he always wanted: a Father. Did he ever meet this father? No, but he was hoping to.
He was hoping to? Why..so Ben could intro him as his BF?
Yes.
Well, that stopped me crying then and there, and I got mad again.
"No..that was a fantasy" I called bullshit and he didn't answer. Then he said that he had hoped Ben would be proud enough to intro RC to his dad as his BF.
I told him that when I was over the other day, and looking for his nail clippers (I'd broken a nail on his rabbit's cage), that I saw an unopened pack of rubbers. Since they used 1 rubber when they screwed, what was the reason for the other, new pack? There should have been 2 left in the pack, which he told me was in his desk. I reiterated I found a brand new pack in the bathrom cabinet, and he said he bought more rubbers. I asked again: was he planning on screwing him again after his next dose?
He didn't answer that. Then he gave a non-answer, the the effect of he didn't think past that because of the missed Prep dose, and him ending it n telling me.
And it all fell together.
So, basically, they were intending on taking this as long as they could, until either I walked in on them, or RC got enough courage to leave Aragorn and I.
The only reason RC put an end to it was because Ben forgot to take his Prep, so RC decided it was time to let me know about the affair. If he took the pill, or didn't tell RC that he'd forgotten to take it, they'd still be at it. Even tho he didn't think Ben loved him. But, he loved Ben. Because he had a father.
And until I walked in on them one night in the future, I would never have known.
The long hours I spent with him at the hospital when he had his bleed...the years I let him live here for free so he could start school...the care and love I gave him.
Nothing. It, and I, were worth nothing.
The kicker? When he said that "he could't think of a life without me" I immediately replied, "I can..you being a boyfriend of a kid half my age with a Daddy".
I wouldn't answer every time he said "I love you". How could I? He just told me he wanted someone else.
Every single fiber in me is telling me its over..dump RC now. And I know you'll all agree with that.
He says he wouldn't go back to Ben, but I think he would..in a heartbeat. Who else would he have to comfort him, now that he's stabbed me in the heart, and Aragorn, when he finds out, will throw him out of the complex.
I have some thinking to do.