Progress thru process
This has been an interesting weekend.
Still house sitting with my 90 year old Great-grand Aunt Georgia and the dog Jake. She likes to talk. The dog likes to bark. A lot.
After about a month of being at work from 7 in the morning until well after 9 at night, I finally had to ask for a day off.
It was a day I spent the first part getting my 90 year old great-grand aunt out of the house for a bit, then the later part was spent seeing The Avengers.
Saturday, I went to Lakewood for a lesbian meetup group BBQ party. I had a great time and ended up getting a lot of attention. I mean a lot.
It was a bit overwhelming and confusing for me.
I understand that part of it is that I am becoming a familiar face, part of it is that I am still rather new to these people, and part of it is that I am dressing even more femme (because I am finally down to a size where they have the dresses I like). Still, I am not used to this.
Honestly, I am not even sure how to respond. Between one situation and another, I am just not feeling so confident about getting involved right now.
I have agreed to a date Friday, but my desire to take things slow is only heightened by events of this year. In fact, I dare say I am feeling fairly unsteady about such things. I have spent the last several years single. I don't like being hurt and I don't ever want to hurt anyone else. So I tread very carefully. I don't want to lead anyone on, but I have to admit I am not familiar with being chased, so I am inclined to be extra cautious. Not something everyone does, I know. But something I can't help but do.
Which leads me to learn a lot more about myself.
Rather at a time when I have set myself up to be so busy with work and distracted as to avoid over-analysing things too much. Not that it has completely worked, more that it has slowed down the opportunities I have to spin my mental wheels.
Perhaps, I can take a moment (it is my journal after all) to wax about the attention I got. I am not inclined to brag about things that are not outcomes of direct effort, but I suppose on some level this does come from effort I have made to be prettier.
So, first, there was the girl in the white muscle shirt. She kept moving into my personal space, though later she met someone who was a bit more responsive and before the party was over her and her new gal were wrapped around each other. Then there was the butch who is a published author. She made a point of talking to me frequently. She was pretty cool. Then there was the woman in the purple shirt, who has read one of my favorite authors and she was very nice. Then there was the physical trainer, who took me by the arm and pulled me away to talk. There may have been others who were more subtle, but that is my highlight list.
I met the physcial trainer one other time. At that point she had a girlfriend, but she seemed very nice. Now she is single and seems intent on dating me. In fact, someone else asked about her girlfriend (probably thinking the same thing I was but they had an easier avenue for bridging the conversation that I did as she was very clearly hitting on me). So she made the clear statement that she is single now. Paused, and then followed it up with, "Except now I think I will start dating Mari."
This is a very brash move.
I might have been a bit impressed.
I did respond by asking if I had a say in this, which at least diffused the moment a bit. In the end, I have agreed to a date with her. I have to admit, I am intrigued by the idea that someone could be that interested in me. That determined. It is flattering.
How things will work out, I do not know. I know that I will do my best not to make any promises unless I intend to make good on them. But then, that is how I always try to live.
I will say, that so far, she has yet to make me really laugh.
I have been learning (and practicing) how to be more attractive. I have been learning how to accept that I can be attractive. I am now learning how to accept being attractive and the responses that come from that. Cause and Effect. I have been practicing Cause. I am learning Effect now. I am learning how to be wanted in an environment I want to be wanted in.
After the BBQ I got to go to an art show. Lesbian (and or gay) artists and a lesbian band playing. It was a great time and I got compliments on my dress and met yet another person who has decided to take and interest in me getting into a relationship. Which turned out to be helpful. See, there was a woman there who was a bit flirtatious when I met her and I was rather hoping to talk to again, but then later she was busy with someone else, and then someone else after that. At first, my new friend said she thought she was a good match, but later she came back and said the woman in question cycled thru girlfriends very fast.
Meeting women in Los Angeles tends to play into the stereo types seen on TV.
Hell, making friends in LA plays into the same issue.
But I am learning. Bit by bit, I am learning.
Still house sitting with my 90 year old Great-grand Aunt Georgia and the dog Jake. She likes to talk. The dog likes to bark. A lot.
After about a month of being at work from 7 in the morning until well after 9 at night, I finally had to ask for a day off.
It was a day I spent the first part getting my 90 year old great-grand aunt out of the house for a bit, then the later part was spent seeing The Avengers.
Saturday, I went to Lakewood for a lesbian meetup group BBQ party. I had a great time and ended up getting a lot of attention. I mean a lot.
It was a bit overwhelming and confusing for me.
I understand that part of it is that I am becoming a familiar face, part of it is that I am still rather new to these people, and part of it is that I am dressing even more femme (because I am finally down to a size where they have the dresses I like). Still, I am not used to this.
Honestly, I am not even sure how to respond. Between one situation and another, I am just not feeling so confident about getting involved right now.
I have agreed to a date Friday, but my desire to take things slow is only heightened by events of this year. In fact, I dare say I am feeling fairly unsteady about such things. I have spent the last several years single. I don't like being hurt and I don't ever want to hurt anyone else. So I tread very carefully. I don't want to lead anyone on, but I have to admit I am not familiar with being chased, so I am inclined to be extra cautious. Not something everyone does, I know. But something I can't help but do.
Which leads me to learn a lot more about myself.
Rather at a time when I have set myself up to be so busy with work and distracted as to avoid over-analysing things too much. Not that it has completely worked, more that it has slowed down the opportunities I have to spin my mental wheels.
Perhaps, I can take a moment (it is my journal after all) to wax about the attention I got. I am not inclined to brag about things that are not outcomes of direct effort, but I suppose on some level this does come from effort I have made to be prettier.
So, first, there was the girl in the white muscle shirt. She kept moving into my personal space, though later she met someone who was a bit more responsive and before the party was over her and her new gal were wrapped around each other. Then there was the butch who is a published author. She made a point of talking to me frequently. She was pretty cool. Then there was the woman in the purple shirt, who has read one of my favorite authors and she was very nice. Then there was the physical trainer, who took me by the arm and pulled me away to talk. There may have been others who were more subtle, but that is my highlight list.
I met the physcial trainer one other time. At that point she had a girlfriend, but she seemed very nice. Now she is single and seems intent on dating me. In fact, someone else asked about her girlfriend (probably thinking the same thing I was but they had an easier avenue for bridging the conversation that I did as she was very clearly hitting on me). So she made the clear statement that she is single now. Paused, and then followed it up with, "Except now I think I will start dating Mari."
This is a very brash move.
I might have been a bit impressed.
I did respond by asking if I had a say in this, which at least diffused the moment a bit. In the end, I have agreed to a date with her. I have to admit, I am intrigued by the idea that someone could be that interested in me. That determined. It is flattering.
How things will work out, I do not know. I know that I will do my best not to make any promises unless I intend to make good on them. But then, that is how I always try to live.
I will say, that so far, she has yet to make me really laugh.
I have been learning (and practicing) how to be more attractive. I have been learning how to accept that I can be attractive. I am now learning how to accept being attractive and the responses that come from that. Cause and Effect. I have been practicing Cause. I am learning Effect now. I am learning how to be wanted in an environment I want to be wanted in.
After the BBQ I got to go to an art show. Lesbian (and or gay) artists and a lesbian band playing. It was a great time and I got compliments on my dress and met yet another person who has decided to take and interest in me getting into a relationship. Which turned out to be helpful. See, there was a woman there who was a bit flirtatious when I met her and I was rather hoping to talk to again, but then later she was busy with someone else, and then someone else after that. At first, my new friend said she thought she was a good match, but later she came back and said the woman in question cycled thru girlfriends very fast.
Meeting women in Los Angeles tends to play into the stereo types seen on TV.
Hell, making friends in LA plays into the same issue.
But I am learning. Bit by bit, I am learning.