How did I get here?
It's been quite a while since I've had a significant post, so any readers that I may have left are in for a treat. I've been thinking about writing this for a while, but tonight (for whatever reason) seems like the time to actually go through with it. I've had so many changes in my life since I posted regularly; how much I've actually changed, I'm not to sure... So here goes for a long update...
How did I get here? Here as opposed to there is just referring to the place that I used to be in my life versus now. I started this journal when I started grad school. I wanted a way to keep in touch with my friends. I updated quite regularly for about a year and a half and things gradually fell off. I suppose the greatest reason that I had stopped writing is because I really hated starting most conversations with friends with "Did you read on my livejournal....". I naively thought that if I stopped writing so much that I'd talk on the phone more with my best friends from undergrad. At the time, it was really particularly troubling. Of all of the cliche's about college (i.e. undergrad), the only thing that I really found to be true was that I actually did meet my best friends there and I really did discover who I am. Although I may not talk to my friends as much as I did, one thing that I've noticed is that whenever I do talk to them, it's effortless and seems like nothing as changed. I truly wish I could live in the same city again. You all know who you are. I'll love you as long as I live. But I digress..
So I started writing this at the beginning of grad school. I was just turning 21, had moved across the country and new nobody except for my sister, her husband, and her kids. After a particularly heinous high school experience, I really didn't want to leave Gainesville, which was the first place that had ever felt like home to me, though it was pretty easy since others were moving on and if I had stayed, I knew things would have been different. I'm now at the end of grad school and I should be defending my dissertation in the next month or two. I've gone through being in my early twenties, drinking legally for the first time, starting a career, teaching, and entering into the best relationship of my life. I lot has changed since I blogged regularly.
The question of "How did I get here" is more referring to change of social situation. I was at a very volatile point in my life when I was entering grad school-- I was forced into a social situation where I was interacting daily with people I probably never would have been friends with. I met really great people and I feel very fortunate that I got to know people at a level I never would have, but even so, I'm largely as alone as I had been when I moved here (with the exception of Ryan). I had gone through several circles of friends which I stopped hanging out with for various reasons (I couldnt handle incestuous drama, I was accused of saying something that I never did or would say, and I just ended relationships with people I never really liked to begin with because I was tired of pretending, to be more specific). With going through all of these situations, I feel like I've always been honest with myself, but I spent way too much time caring what other people thought of me. Yes, this is something that people go through in high school or earlier, but I think that any time you are in a new social situation, largely things reset and you try out different things. Unfortunately, most of my trials where failures rather than success.
So here's a summary of what's going on in my life:
1) I'm still dating Ryan. Next month is our 5 year anniversary. I honestly had never thought I was a relationship type and the longer that I've been with him, the more I've changed. I can't imagine ever not being with him. I never thought I'd feel that way before. It truly scares me. I'm crazy in love, but totally okay with it.
2) I am trying to finish my dissertaiton. This is the worst thing I've ever been forced to do. What I've mostly learned is what I will never again in my academic carreer. I'm okay with that.
3) I am teaching at UM-Flint, which I love and hate. I love the diversity of my students and the appreciation that I get. I hate the occasional lack of college-level teaching. I'm at a cross-roads... could I be happy in a place like this or do I need more? I'll be figuring this out soon....
4)Strong personality: I've come to realize that I have a personality that is quite off-putting. More and more I dislike this. I feel like how people perceive me is a lot different than how I am and I realize that a lot of it is my own doing. I'd like to change it. A lot of it was going from people completely antisocial to the point of not talking in high school to even beginning to form interpersonal relationships and having to adjust. When I meet others, I feel like they're the middleschoolers and I'm like wtf, but I probably need to be more open minded and less judgemental =/
-That's all for now. I'm back...
xoxo
sj
How did I get here? Here as opposed to there is just referring to the place that I used to be in my life versus now. I started this journal when I started grad school. I wanted a way to keep in touch with my friends. I updated quite regularly for about a year and a half and things gradually fell off. I suppose the greatest reason that I had stopped writing is because I really hated starting most conversations with friends with "Did you read on my livejournal....". I naively thought that if I stopped writing so much that I'd talk on the phone more with my best friends from undergrad. At the time, it was really particularly troubling. Of all of the cliche's about college (i.e. undergrad), the only thing that I really found to be true was that I actually did meet my best friends there and I really did discover who I am. Although I may not talk to my friends as much as I did, one thing that I've noticed is that whenever I do talk to them, it's effortless and seems like nothing as changed. I truly wish I could live in the same city again. You all know who you are. I'll love you as long as I live. But I digress..
So I started writing this at the beginning of grad school. I was just turning 21, had moved across the country and new nobody except for my sister, her husband, and her kids. After a particularly heinous high school experience, I really didn't want to leave Gainesville, which was the first place that had ever felt like home to me, though it was pretty easy since others were moving on and if I had stayed, I knew things would have been different. I'm now at the end of grad school and I should be defending my dissertation in the next month or two. I've gone through being in my early twenties, drinking legally for the first time, starting a career, teaching, and entering into the best relationship of my life. I lot has changed since I blogged regularly.
The question of "How did I get here" is more referring to change of social situation. I was at a very volatile point in my life when I was entering grad school-- I was forced into a social situation where I was interacting daily with people I probably never would have been friends with. I met really great people and I feel very fortunate that I got to know people at a level I never would have, but even so, I'm largely as alone as I had been when I moved here (with the exception of Ryan). I had gone through several circles of friends which I stopped hanging out with for various reasons (I couldnt handle incestuous drama, I was accused of saying something that I never did or would say, and I just ended relationships with people I never really liked to begin with because I was tired of pretending, to be more specific). With going through all of these situations, I feel like I've always been honest with myself, but I spent way too much time caring what other people thought of me. Yes, this is something that people go through in high school or earlier, but I think that any time you are in a new social situation, largely things reset and you try out different things. Unfortunately, most of my trials where failures rather than success.
So here's a summary of what's going on in my life:
1) I'm still dating Ryan. Next month is our 5 year anniversary. I honestly had never thought I was a relationship type and the longer that I've been with him, the more I've changed. I can't imagine ever not being with him. I never thought I'd feel that way before. It truly scares me. I'm crazy in love, but totally okay with it.
2) I am trying to finish my dissertaiton. This is the worst thing I've ever been forced to do. What I've mostly learned is what I will never again in my academic carreer. I'm okay with that.
3) I am teaching at UM-Flint, which I love and hate. I love the diversity of my students and the appreciation that I get. I hate the occasional lack of college-level teaching. I'm at a cross-roads... could I be happy in a place like this or do I need more? I'll be figuring this out soon....
4)Strong personality: I've come to realize that I have a personality that is quite off-putting. More and more I dislike this. I feel like how people perceive me is a lot different than how I am and I realize that a lot of it is my own doing. I'd like to change it. A lot of it was going from people completely antisocial to the point of not talking in high school to even beginning to form interpersonal relationships and having to adjust. When I meet others, I feel like they're the middleschoolers and I'm like wtf, but I probably need to be more open minded and less judgemental =/
-That's all for now. I'm back...
xoxo
sj