Just thinking about Ben, I think. Not that I want to go back because of him, but thinking about him makes me remember how I felt the times when I was at the weekend campout...or in big emotional supportive conversations with sister sanchinkas...or partying down at banquet...
You know, it's like an ex-lover, the kind you sort of wish was not an ex. There was a reason I left, but there was also a very good reason I was there to begin with. And I don't know that the bad actually outweighs the good. Sanchin-ryu has skills to teach which I need to learn (leadership, patience, self-confidence, humility, support structures and how they function, respect...etc). I know it will never be quite like it was, even if only because I have matured (a bit). Meaning, I probably won't be drinking beer from broken off bottles in secret and sneaking clove cigarettes, talking about masturbating with a squiggle pen, but that doesn't mean it wouldn't be a different type of fun, a different type of craziness, and a whole lot of growth for me.
Heh - I know exactly what you mean about all of it!
There are always fond memories of things like that, that make you wish you could have it again. And you know it won't be the same, so you get torn on if you want to or not.
I've considered going back, but right now, it still doesn't feel like the right thing. I still have too many other things that I want to spend my time on, and I'm partly afraid of going back into old patterns. Although, I also have this idea that I would rock and kick ass nowadays, since I HAVE learned leadership, patience, self-confidence, humility, support structures and how they function, respect...etc - although I still have very much to learn. I'm way ahead of where I was back in the day. :)
I think I mostly think of going back now because of: The chance to prove to myself that I have grown and can conquer faster. The chance to improve these skills faster through the training. The chance to do some physical activity on a regular basis....although I never really thought it improved my physical fitness like some people did. I'm sure it would also be a stress outlet/relief and I'd find more peace.
However, I'm still not ready to go back. And I still can't say when I would be.
Besides, we'd hardly be going back "together", more like "at the same time", right? Due to logistical locations?
Also, of all the people I was actually friends with the only one I know of, for sure, that are still in it is Kim Holiday. I know that Kelly is not in it. Nor is Genelle. I don't know anything about Pete and Cathy Shaw.
And I can't think of anybody else that I was genuine friends with that are still in it....
And are you sure that you don't partly want to go back because it IS a doorway back to Ben, since he seems to cut off anybody that's not involved in SR?
Oh, God knows I miss him. And yeah, if I was in karate, I'd probably talk to him at least once in a while. And that would be nice. However, the fact that he droped me like a used paper plate after what happened between us, just because I have different hobbies than him, makes me care a whole lot less, you know?
On the other hand, I know Ben is passionate about Sanchin-Ryu, it's a family to him. So to him, it's is probably ME who did the abandoning.
Don't know if I'll be able to face you-know-who, though. LOL!!! There are some things I just wish I could strike from memory.
And yeah, we'd probably have to go to different classes. But I was thinking we could go back to, like, campout or something. That'd be going back with a bang, eh?
i feel the same way sometimes. Karate was such a positive thing for me but even though the style preaches open mindedness i have a feeling that people would judge or refuse to see that i am not the same person i was. For that matter i think i would feel the same towards them. Regardless it was such a positive thing for me that i am taking my seven year old nephew to classes starting a week from today. I am going to sit out and watch at first. My dad says they will convince me to start up again but we will see..
I know - geez we've both seen that people can contradict their own excellent rules. They preach open-mindedness but SOME of them do not live it.
However, a big part of me says that I shouldn't let just a couple of bad eggs ruin something that was such a WONDERFUL influence in my life. I miss the sense of family - and unity. Were you there the day the handicapped kid went missing - I think it was at supercamp? The kid was not in karate or anything - just a frantic mother came running and crying asking us if we'd seen him. In 15 min - ALL of Sanchin-Ryu was combing all of campus to find this child, searching with an unstoppable fervor. And he was found. THAT was one of the most amazing things I've ever gotten to be a part of - I still really feel like Sanchin-Ryu is special and holds a power unlike anything else I've ever seen.
The thing is - me? I'm even "worse" than I used to be - I'm no angel nor to I desire to be one. However, my intentions are and always have been good. My thing is freedom - if it hurts no one and makes you happy then DO IT for goodness sake. Puritanical values do nothing for me. However, I can separate my somewhat depraved lifestyle from the rest of my life. Because of my own lifestyle and beliefs about them, I think myself to be truly open minded - or I try to be, anyway. So, if I were to join back with Karate - I'd be shifting the balance a little bit, you know? I would be one more person who truly believes in freedom - who truly believes you should not judge others. We are all just one person - but one person always makes a difference, IMO.
It would be super cool if all three of us went back. :)
You know, it's like an ex-lover, the kind you sort of wish was not an ex. There was a reason I left, but there was also a very good reason I was there to begin with. And I don't know that the bad actually outweighs the good. Sanchin-ryu has skills to teach which I need to learn (leadership, patience, self-confidence, humility, support structures and how they function, respect...etc).
I know it will never be quite like it was, even if only because I have matured (a bit). Meaning, I probably won't be drinking beer from broken off bottles in secret and sneaking clove cigarettes, talking about masturbating with a squiggle pen, but that doesn't mean it wouldn't be a different type of fun, a different type of craziness, and a whole lot of growth for me.
Wanna go back with me?
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There are always fond memories of things like that, that make you wish you could have it again. And you know it won't be the same, so you get torn on if you want to or not.
I've considered going back, but right now, it still doesn't feel like the right thing. I still have too many other things that I want to spend my time on, and I'm partly afraid of going back into old patterns. Although, I also have this idea that I would rock and kick ass nowadays, since I HAVE learned leadership, patience, self-confidence, humility, support structures and how they function, respect...etc - although I still have very much to learn. I'm way ahead of where I was back in the day. :)
I think I mostly think of going back now because of: The chance to prove to myself that I have grown and can conquer faster. The chance to improve these skills faster through the training. The chance to do some physical activity on a regular basis....although I never really thought it improved my physical fitness like some people did. I'm sure it would also be a stress outlet/relief and I'd find more peace.
However, I'm still not ready to go back. And I still can't say when I would be.
Besides, we'd hardly be going back "together", more like "at the same time", right? Due to logistical locations?
Reply
And I can't think of anybody else that I was genuine friends with that are still in it....
And are you sure that you don't partly want to go back because it IS a doorway back to Ben, since he seems to cut off anybody that's not involved in SR?
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On the other hand, I know Ben is passionate about Sanchin-Ryu, it's a family to him. So to him, it's is probably ME who did the abandoning.
Don't know if I'll be able to face you-know-who, though. LOL!!! There are some things I just wish I could strike from memory.
And yeah, we'd probably have to go to different classes. But I was thinking we could go back to, like, campout or something. That'd be going back with a bang, eh?
Reply
OMG, going back to campout would just be too funny. But 2 whole days of being back - yikes that just screams soreness. :)
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Need I say more?
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:)
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However, a big part of me says that I shouldn't let just a couple of bad eggs ruin something that was such a WONDERFUL influence in my life. I miss the sense of family - and unity. Were you there the day the handicapped kid went missing - I think it was at supercamp? The kid was not in karate or anything - just a frantic mother came running and crying asking us if we'd seen him. In 15 min - ALL of Sanchin-Ryu was combing all of campus to find this child, searching with an unstoppable fervor. And he was found. THAT was one of the most amazing things I've ever gotten to be a part of - I still really feel like Sanchin-Ryu is special and holds a power unlike anything else I've ever seen.
The thing is - me? I'm even "worse" than I used to be - I'm no angel nor to I desire to be one. However, my intentions are and always have been good. My thing is freedom - if it hurts no one and makes you happy then DO IT for goodness sake. Puritanical values do nothing for me. However, I can separate my somewhat depraved lifestyle from the rest of my life. Because of my own lifestyle and beliefs about them, I think myself to be truly open minded - or I try to be, anyway. So, if I were to join back with Karate - I'd be shifting the balance a little bit, you know? I would be one more person who truly believes in freedom - who truly believes you should not judge others. We are all just one person - but one person always makes a difference, IMO.
It would be super cool if all three of us went back. :)
Reply
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