(no subject)
So, wank. Most of the time I try to steer clear of it, because I'm not great with confrontations and most of what I want to say gets said by smarter, more articulate people. Speaking of which, if you haven't read this post (warning: very explicit discussion of sexual assault and the nature, anatomy, cause & effect of triggers. Is itself triggery by impertinence, you really, really should.
But I'm still angry, and I need to try to explain why. It's preaching to the choir, I know, and if you skip this, I certainly won't be offended. Please be aware that while I don't discuss sexual abuse in graphic detail, it is alluded to and it may be triggery.
I have an issue with my dad's voice. I don't have to hear it very often anymore, and it's gotten better, but there was a time when just hearing my dad's voice on a video would make me shake, break down sobbing, and hyperventilate. I'd find the nearest room with a lock on the door and lock myself in until I felt remotely safe again, regardless of whether he was actually around.
Most of my family know about this issue, and the reasons behind it, and they do what they can to warn me if he's going to be around, or if there's going to be a situation I could avoid. For a long time I felt so stupid, so weak and helpless, because someone's voice could make me feel that way. I hated feeling like I had to hide, like I couldn't just grow up and face him and get over it already. I felt like that for a long time, and it's just been in the past few years that I started believing it was okay that I was reacting like that, that I had a right to be afraid, and since I started believing that, I've slowly gotten better at dealing with that specific trigger.
So to read that someone honestly believes that victims of sexual abuse shouldn't be coddled, should be "strong enough" to deal with things that trigger them, it made me so mad I could barely see straight. And it made me start feeling stupid and helpless again, like, why couldn't I just face up to it sooner? Why couldn't I just be stronger? And that's fucking ridiculous. For whatever reason, I couldn't/can't deal with his voice. That is my trigger, brought on by something that wasn't my fault to begin with, and the pace at which I dealt with and started recovering from the root issue is my pace. It's not anyone else's, and to insinuate that anyone else should be over their issues at the same pace would not only be deeply disrespectful and inconsiderate, it would be ridiculous. People don't work that way, and no amount of forcing them to face their triggers or telling them to be "stronger" will change that. We heal at different paces, with hundreds of outside factors to figure in.
Some victims of sexual abuse can deal with their triggers, or maybe they don't have triggers at all, and that's awesome. Honest to god, I am so glad that they don't have to relive the feelings of being abused. No one should have to. But some people do. And it's not okay for anyone to tell a victim they should be stronger, or that they're being "coddled" by having warnings on fics that might trigger them.
If something you write might make someone feel like they're reliving what is probably the most horrible, traumatic time in their life, is it really worth risking that so you can proclaim your artistic integrity is intact? If it is, I don't really want to know you.
I apologize if this was all over the place and doesn't make much sense. I'm still angry, I don't talk about this a lot, and like I said, smarter and more articulate people have said it better. I just needed to get it out there.
But I'm still angry, and I need to try to explain why. It's preaching to the choir, I know, and if you skip this, I certainly won't be offended. Please be aware that while I don't discuss sexual abuse in graphic detail, it is alluded to and it may be triggery.
I have an issue with my dad's voice. I don't have to hear it very often anymore, and it's gotten better, but there was a time when just hearing my dad's voice on a video would make me shake, break down sobbing, and hyperventilate. I'd find the nearest room with a lock on the door and lock myself in until I felt remotely safe again, regardless of whether he was actually around.
Most of my family know about this issue, and the reasons behind it, and they do what they can to warn me if he's going to be around, or if there's going to be a situation I could avoid. For a long time I felt so stupid, so weak and helpless, because someone's voice could make me feel that way. I hated feeling like I had to hide, like I couldn't just grow up and face him and get over it already. I felt like that for a long time, and it's just been in the past few years that I started believing it was okay that I was reacting like that, that I had a right to be afraid, and since I started believing that, I've slowly gotten better at dealing with that specific trigger.
So to read that someone honestly believes that victims of sexual abuse shouldn't be coddled, should be "strong enough" to deal with things that trigger them, it made me so mad I could barely see straight. And it made me start feeling stupid and helpless again, like, why couldn't I just face up to it sooner? Why couldn't I just be stronger? And that's fucking ridiculous. For whatever reason, I couldn't/can't deal with his voice. That is my trigger, brought on by something that wasn't my fault to begin with, and the pace at which I dealt with and started recovering from the root issue is my pace. It's not anyone else's, and to insinuate that anyone else should be over their issues at the same pace would not only be deeply disrespectful and inconsiderate, it would be ridiculous. People don't work that way, and no amount of forcing them to face their triggers or telling them to be "stronger" will change that. We heal at different paces, with hundreds of outside factors to figure in.
Some victims of sexual abuse can deal with their triggers, or maybe they don't have triggers at all, and that's awesome. Honest to god, I am so glad that they don't have to relive the feelings of being abused. No one should have to. But some people do. And it's not okay for anyone to tell a victim they should be stronger, or that they're being "coddled" by having warnings on fics that might trigger them.
If something you write might make someone feel like they're reliving what is probably the most horrible, traumatic time in their life, is it really worth risking that so you can proclaim your artistic integrity is intact? If it is, I don't really want to know you.
I apologize if this was all over the place and doesn't make much sense. I'm still angry, I don't talk about this a lot, and like I said, smarter and more articulate people have said it better. I just needed to get it out there.