Richard Simmons I am not
This is the reason I don't do anything without drinking heavily first. There has been a ritual, no more than a ritual, a lifestyle,that has been practiced since before consumption of alcohol was legal by my friends and I.
A group of good looking men would go out, smelling nice and dressed to kill. Their destination, the clubs, their objective, not dancing or scoring a hot chick, but riding the bull. Five dollars would be placed on the dash by all members of the party. The trophy for a job well done. And once everyone was inside the rodeo would begin.
At first there was the scouting, all the guys would look for possible fatty's, and once you found you're "little" lassie, the showdown would begin. Who could dance with the fattest chick for the longest.
Up until this week, I never thought there was anything wrong with the "game" we played, and here is why:
1.) I have relativly attractive friends, and we were dancing with girls that would likely go undanced with the entire night if it were not for us.
2.) There was no money exchange in front of the unknowing partners, all they think is, "It's a good thing I laid off that third bowl of lard yesterday, I guess a little self restraint really can go a long way." Who knows maybe this started a life altering change for them. They may have thought it was a reward for there self awareness, started dropping the tonage and now are beyond my league, if that is the case... glad I could help.
But this week I think I had a change of heart. Maybe it was because I went chubby chasing or slump busting, which ever you peffer. Maybe I am just getting older and more mature. But I just don't feel right giving people a false sense of worth anymore.
Cut to 2 years ago, a battle that ranks amoung the greatest land scirmishes of all time. Two bulls grazing along on the dance floor. Jalette and I spot them. Without a word spoken we know its on. I grab the chubbier one giving me the early advantage. But Jalette is no rookie. He straps on to the back of her friend and I know its going to be a showdown. As Jalette and I hold on for dear life, are eyes rarely come off of each otehr. We are both worn out and looking for a sign of weakness from the other, just a glimps to give the other one hope that they have the upper hand. Then the unthinkable happens, mine does a reverse buck and starts dancing front to front. CARPE DIEM Jalette thinks he is going to seize the moment, the sweat is beading on my brow. I know I am in trouble. As she starts to kiss my neck I look at Jalette as to say not tonight young gun, I went this far there isn't any turning back now. Then I see it. His hands slowly slip off the bull and he walks towards me as he whispers in my ear, "You're the better man today" I am overcome with joy, all those days in the gym have really paid off. I left victorious.
Who is to say that the chicks we danced with thought they would be with us forever. And as soon as we left there worlds came crashing down. With no more reason to live they started eating more, which made them gain another 20 pounds and then one day they looked in the mirror and decided that the only thing to do was a swan dive off the top balcony of Dorr. I am not one to play God, I don't want to be responsible for the lives and deaths of fat chicks. So let it be known that I will no longer ride the bull.
Unless I have a few beers in me.