(no subject)
I feel that im going to have to prepare myself for another sleepless night. I know its only 10 40, but i just dont feel like im going to bea able to sleep. because its one of those nights where i can't stop thinking. I can lay in my bed for hours, thinking and thinking, and well its just gets me no where... but makes me completely restless. But oh well, i wish i had something important to talk about... but i really dont know. Im excited for this weekend, halloween.
I realized that i want to be with someone. Every time i think about getting with someone or trying to start something... i just think hey, should you really be doing this, commiting yourself... and its not like oh i dont want to commit myself to just one person... i wouldnt have it any other way. But by committing i mean... well i guess ill go in depth about it, whenever i come close to anything considered a relationship i just start thinking that, if i do this then i wont be able to just be i guess free. Its a stupid way to think about it but alot of times i just think hey im going to have to talk on the phone, im going to have to do this do that im going to have to take away time from friends and family... and at that point... i isolate myself. The more i think about it, then the more i grow just to a point where i just feel depressed i guess you could call it. But i mean its not always like that... there are times where im like i want to be with someone... i want to show them the world, i want to let them in, i want to show them the way i see things, take them places where it feels as if the beauty of this whole damn world seems to be just kept in this paticular place... and there are places like that ive seen, and the emotions of it are overwhelming, it feels like thats what life is meant for to experiences things like that, and thats why i love autumn because it makes you feel like you can just change everything... even though i guess autumn is more symbolized with the dying of things, like the leaves falling from branches but to me its so much more than that. Its hard to explain feelings like this but, i just want to show someone these things... take them to these places... find someone that appreciates it like i do, the hard part is i dont talk about things like this ever... but thats because ive always been so quite and kept to myself. and at this point ive thrown all my fear of commitment away... and i just realize that this is what i want to live for, to make a change in someones life, to bring them just overwhelming joy and happiness, have someone to enjoy these things with. I know i have my friends and family there that would, but i guess its different to have someone that you could maybe one day be able to fall in love with.
I just feel that things are changing, with this being my last year in highschool and i have this whole future infront of me... and i just cant wait... i cant wait to hopefully get my own place... live with my friends, be on my own. have a job, pay for all my stuff... be able to just get up and leave whenever i feel like it and explore this fucking world. And i know that ill always have my friends by my sides, because they are the most important people to me, including my dad and family. And thats why im so determined to move to the next step. Ive grown so sick of these limitations of being a teenager. im sure things wont be that different when im older, but i know that if i had the chance i would just go out and see everything i possibly could, id take a journal and a camera, and just take everythin in. Thats why school never meant shit to me, because... i dont want to go through life like normal people do with just jobs, home pure routine... i want to go beyond that...
i dont think i want to write anymore... i dont feel like this is what i mean, but part of me says its right... but like people say you are your own worst critic... or however the fucking phrase goes. I just want to express myself more, thats why i have such a love for arts, from painting to music... because all these people are able to get there emotions out through this and i just still havent found the perfect way for me to do this yet... and it kills me. because i feel alot of times people get the wrong impression of who i am, and thats why i hate living in a society where everyone is so judgemental... and there is a standard for everything. its like if you dont fit into this category you are put into another... why does it have to be that way?
but life is life... and i know ill find a way.
with love quarterman
I realized that i want to be with someone. Every time i think about getting with someone or trying to start something... i just think hey, should you really be doing this, commiting yourself... and its not like oh i dont want to commit myself to just one person... i wouldnt have it any other way. But by committing i mean... well i guess ill go in depth about it, whenever i come close to anything considered a relationship i just start thinking that, if i do this then i wont be able to just be i guess free. Its a stupid way to think about it but alot of times i just think hey im going to have to talk on the phone, im going to have to do this do that im going to have to take away time from friends and family... and at that point... i isolate myself. The more i think about it, then the more i grow just to a point where i just feel depressed i guess you could call it. But i mean its not always like that... there are times where im like i want to be with someone... i want to show them the world, i want to let them in, i want to show them the way i see things, take them places where it feels as if the beauty of this whole damn world seems to be just kept in this paticular place... and there are places like that ive seen, and the emotions of it are overwhelming, it feels like thats what life is meant for to experiences things like that, and thats why i love autumn because it makes you feel like you can just change everything... even though i guess autumn is more symbolized with the dying of things, like the leaves falling from branches but to me its so much more than that. Its hard to explain feelings like this but, i just want to show someone these things... take them to these places... find someone that appreciates it like i do, the hard part is i dont talk about things like this ever... but thats because ive always been so quite and kept to myself. and at this point ive thrown all my fear of commitment away... and i just realize that this is what i want to live for, to make a change in someones life, to bring them just overwhelming joy and happiness, have someone to enjoy these things with. I know i have my friends and family there that would, but i guess its different to have someone that you could maybe one day be able to fall in love with.
I just feel that things are changing, with this being my last year in highschool and i have this whole future infront of me... and i just cant wait... i cant wait to hopefully get my own place... live with my friends, be on my own. have a job, pay for all my stuff... be able to just get up and leave whenever i feel like it and explore this fucking world. And i know that ill always have my friends by my sides, because they are the most important people to me, including my dad and family. And thats why im so determined to move to the next step. Ive grown so sick of these limitations of being a teenager. im sure things wont be that different when im older, but i know that if i had the chance i would just go out and see everything i possibly could, id take a journal and a camera, and just take everythin in. Thats why school never meant shit to me, because... i dont want to go through life like normal people do with just jobs, home pure routine... i want to go beyond that...
i dont think i want to write anymore... i dont feel like this is what i mean, but part of me says its right... but like people say you are your own worst critic... or however the fucking phrase goes. I just want to express myself more, thats why i have such a love for arts, from painting to music... because all these people are able to get there emotions out through this and i just still havent found the perfect way for me to do this yet... and it kills me. because i feel alot of times people get the wrong impression of who i am, and thats why i hate living in a society where everyone is so judgemental... and there is a standard for everything. its like if you dont fit into this category you are put into another... why does it have to be that way?
but life is life... and i know ill find a way.
with love quarterman