Mirror mirror
It really does feel like it's coming to an end. This battering, yet cruisy third year of medical school has kind of flown by and suddenly I only have one posting left to go to. I think every morning now I'm just blinking and wondering: what have I learnt, how have I grown? and When will this be over?
My mind is young in that way, although inwardly I know it will never be over, it's not like school anymore where I can throw what I have learnt away and be-gone-forever. It seems like now I'm building a persona, scavenging for what I think is 'accumen'. All day, or all office hours, I am eagerly walking (on some days) or dragged screaming (on most days) to the wards. There, I greedily slurp and soak and see everything I can fathom, anything that reaches my unaccustomed little ears, putting my grubby fingers on everything like a toddler. Except that they're sticky with alcohol and not drool and least haha. Like a little bottom feeder, a slug, a caterpillar. I find that quite cute, and am able to say this with a happy sort of irony (I can insult my self but you can't insult me, har har).
A lecturer told us today that an important part of the learning cycle is to reflect. Then I went on a guilt trip because I have refused to reflect, told myself I had no time to reflect, and proceeded to watch hannah maggs and her cutest little family on youtube. It's kind of like not wanting to look into a mirror because you are too lazy and don't wanna clean your face. Out of sight, out of mind.
Firstly, I think God has really brought me through it all. Seems piecemeal to say, as of now when I'm in a particularly pensive mood... but it is so, so true. The times when I haven't been pushing away my bible because I was too lazy, lessons from james have really taught me principles to live by.
James 3:13-14, 17-18 NIV
Who is wise and understanding among you? Let them show it by their good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom. But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth.
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But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. Peacemakers who sow in peace reap a harvest of righteousness.
I think even looking at this verse now kind of gives me a new lesson to learn - in practicum God reminded me not to keep on focusing on what others have vs my have nots, not to start fights, to keep the peace... naturally I'm a very conflict avoidance person, so a fiery tongue will never be a problem of mine. Pretty easy to put on the front of a saint or just not speak at all in my opinion haha! But the adult playing field is pretty different from primary school, and I don't quite know how to articulate the politics of medical school... but basically I think the problems come from tossing together a group of pretty independent people together of different learning styles AND pace of learning...putting the group in an environment when initiative and personal drive are very important... and there you go. Sandpaper effect. Everyone is nice though, so things get by. But there's a diff between working in a formal group as an individual VS really team playing ... which I think is a weakness of mine. Michelle behaves well but does not play well with others. Everyone likes to be the melee but not the support character. XD
The hardest part is facing the fact that I do have a deep dark ink heart, swirling with envy at others. "Why are they so smart? They must work less and just read and are suddenly perfect at everything..." "I should just get this conversation over with; I want to have a nice indulgent coffee and lepaking rather than talking to Mr so and so"
Admitting it is hard when I pride myself on being nice. But I can't help being jealous ): but now admitting it and submitting it to you, God, would probably be a good next step. Jesus is cool, how he never reaches for human glory and compliments like we do.
But yeah. Gotta work on my character chip by chip, and hopefully one day I will be called Wise
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Ambition
Oh my, ambition! Somehow when I see that word I feel like a snail because what comes to mind are plotting mountains I wanna scale or putting a little peg on exactly how high how far how wide and how cool a person I want to be. It feels very hungry, to choose where I want to go. It feels like I don't have that deep of hunger for anything besides naise caffeine and food.
But I think my ambitions are still big. Still selfish, hiding in the creature comforts of life. I spend time imagining how I can make my life comfortable. Nice toilet, nice sofa. I dream of the next time I can kick back on the couch. A languid afternoon in honeyed sunlight, plus a cup of tea - and cool weather. Perfect. Braingasm
But I'm pretty sure life wasn't made for me to indulge myself like a roman emperor. XD life was made, my pastor said, to be faithful in the little things, to safeguard and grow our talents, to keep in mind the future.
Hopefully the future has SOME languidity
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