What should we call med school
Someone was sharing today about not losing our ideals, because cynicism focuses on ourselves and never is productive like passion is. It tickled the fringes of that self I probably forgot, a little. And things only tickle because they wring true, like clear water out of a soiled rag. With a little surprise and more disbelief
Ideals, my dreams, my logical maybes, they were once like a cup of milk
Metaphorically made more real only because I tend to forget to finish my cups of milk. The little layer at the bottom tends to get a little filmy. And gross. But anyway
I've thought about this 'surprising' fact so many times that it ceases to amaze me. I think of it and comment on it only to give meat to small talk, because its a strange subject and people would hasten to agree or disagree.
How does such a short length of time curdle my ambition? How did that tiny pocket of time swallow what once lit me on a little, tightly burning fire? Am I now less real because of what I feel - a faker, an asskisser to a ghost of what I once said during an interview? As goes for everything else - if we mean something in a Moment, but feel less so now, does it undermine the truth of the past?
I ask these out of spite, like a child drawing on the wall just to piss off the wall dwarves. My doubts seem more real and coherent, and now that they're out there, all scribbly and full of the ugly side of me, it's like a politically correct detox.
School creates in me (and if I hit anywhere close home, this applies to all of us) a major episode of cognitive dissonance. Go and wiki that, I needed to as well.
The ideal of what I would eventually like to do is help people, to give of myself the l33t skills med school will teach me to help other people. That needs a certain degree of selflessness.
However, in school, I'm standing on a really shaky seesaw of irony. One I don't normally think about, but now that I'm in drama mama oohlala mode, this comes out real easy.
Tumblr talks about gunners in med school. The ones that, quote a book, cruelly murder exams, lap up knowledge at an accelerated rate and collect the jealousy of me and others because, how dare they be brilliant? How dare they express an unsated desire to learn and become a better doctor, and expose to myself my own lack of interest?
But in the end, the rest of us are other types of gunners. To invent a category, I am an emotional gunner.
Honestly, the syllabus and the pace, both social and academic, are a little more than I expected. To protect myself from feeling inadequate, I hardly speak up about my studies because I'm scared that will expose my own lack of knowledge and how it makes me feel like a medfraud. I am secretly happy to miss lectures because it provides some relief from how lousy the torrent of information makes me feel.
At the same time, I am scared of being alone, and at the same time Want to come for lectures just to socialize, to feel legitimized just by having people talk to me
I hoard my time, because I am an introvert and a little lazy. I feel deeply unhappy when I commit to anything now - not like whee, camp and program, but what - more of my time taken away?
These thoughts are among my ugliest, definitely not representative of my whole experience. I focus on this ugliness for abit because I want to shock myself and yet systematically find the patterns that makes me feel this way (I hope). The pattern is - Survive. Give less of myself. Selfish. Bury my coin in the ground and hope its still there when the Master comes back.
These are on the opposite end of what my ideals were - no wonder they have screamed a little effeminately and are hiding away. But at the same time, what do I do? Do I have to continue in my state of Cognitive Dissonance and CD myself all the time that I enjoy this bit of school more than I really do, somewhere deep in my heart? Or deep in my intelligent mind? Or deep in my ego?
My comfort, is that milk ferments into blue cheese. It tastes so deep and whole, like an ugly so mature, it's beautiful. And I quite like the taste of that.
Seniors telling me the meaning comes with experience
And I shall stop being in denial for now, and shall just say that anatomy is really not that fun, exams make me feel like shit, I feel really stupid and not worthy of med school, and I wish I could stop pretending that I believe time straightens everything out and just admit that it feels hard and that its okay to feel a little liberated and angsty. Also, that even though the emotional and academic and personal experience I gain is mindblowing, and ultimately precious,
Watching inception is fun for moviegoers but definitely not for the poor dude falling backwards into a car into the water into the dream and into another dream.
Welcome into the angst I sometimes feel, 10% of the time,
And yes, I'm still glad I'm here. Sometimes I think that's cognitive dissonance speaking, but at other times, it feels like I'm not lying.
Ideals, my dreams, my logical maybes, they were once like a cup of milk
Metaphorically made more real only because I tend to forget to finish my cups of milk. The little layer at the bottom tends to get a little filmy. And gross. But anyway
I've thought about this 'surprising' fact so many times that it ceases to amaze me. I think of it and comment on it only to give meat to small talk, because its a strange subject and people would hasten to agree or disagree.
How does such a short length of time curdle my ambition? How did that tiny pocket of time swallow what once lit me on a little, tightly burning fire? Am I now less real because of what I feel - a faker, an asskisser to a ghost of what I once said during an interview? As goes for everything else - if we mean something in a Moment, but feel less so now, does it undermine the truth of the past?
I ask these out of spite, like a child drawing on the wall just to piss off the wall dwarves. My doubts seem more real and coherent, and now that they're out there, all scribbly and full of the ugly side of me, it's like a politically correct detox.
School creates in me (and if I hit anywhere close home, this applies to all of us) a major episode of cognitive dissonance. Go and wiki that, I needed to as well.
The ideal of what I would eventually like to do is help people, to give of myself the l33t skills med school will teach me to help other people. That needs a certain degree of selflessness.
However, in school, I'm standing on a really shaky seesaw of irony. One I don't normally think about, but now that I'm in drama mama oohlala mode, this comes out real easy.
Tumblr talks about gunners in med school. The ones that, quote a book, cruelly murder exams, lap up knowledge at an accelerated rate and collect the jealousy of me and others because, how dare they be brilliant? How dare they express an unsated desire to learn and become a better doctor, and expose to myself my own lack of interest?
But in the end, the rest of us are other types of gunners. To invent a category, I am an emotional gunner.
Honestly, the syllabus and the pace, both social and academic, are a little more than I expected. To protect myself from feeling inadequate, I hardly speak up about my studies because I'm scared that will expose my own lack of knowledge and how it makes me feel like a medfraud. I am secretly happy to miss lectures because it provides some relief from how lousy the torrent of information makes me feel.
At the same time, I am scared of being alone, and at the same time Want to come for lectures just to socialize, to feel legitimized just by having people talk to me
I hoard my time, because I am an introvert and a little lazy. I feel deeply unhappy when I commit to anything now - not like whee, camp and program, but what - more of my time taken away?
These thoughts are among my ugliest, definitely not representative of my whole experience. I focus on this ugliness for abit because I want to shock myself and yet systematically find the patterns that makes me feel this way (I hope). The pattern is - Survive. Give less of myself. Selfish. Bury my coin in the ground and hope its still there when the Master comes back.
These are on the opposite end of what my ideals were - no wonder they have screamed a little effeminately and are hiding away. But at the same time, what do I do? Do I have to continue in my state of Cognitive Dissonance and CD myself all the time that I enjoy this bit of school more than I really do, somewhere deep in my heart? Or deep in my intelligent mind? Or deep in my ego?
My comfort, is that milk ferments into blue cheese. It tastes so deep and whole, like an ugly so mature, it's beautiful. And I quite like the taste of that.
Seniors telling me the meaning comes with experience
And I shall stop being in denial for now, and shall just say that anatomy is really not that fun, exams make me feel like shit, I feel really stupid and not worthy of med school, and I wish I could stop pretending that I believe time straightens everything out and just admit that it feels hard and that its okay to feel a little liberated and angsty. Also, that even though the emotional and academic and personal experience I gain is mindblowing, and ultimately precious,
Watching inception is fun for moviegoers but definitely not for the poor dude falling backwards into a car into the water into the dream and into another dream.
Welcome into the angst I sometimes feel, 10% of the time,
And yes, I'm still glad I'm here. Sometimes I think that's cognitive dissonance speaking, but at other times, it feels like I'm not lying.