The devil I remember
Our mother was like a Sybil,
Lost in her own insanity. She was brilliant at times and utterly with out a thought in others. The day that mommy was sick was a long time ago. I guess I may have repressed most of the things of the day becouse of all the things that came after. I wonder what it was that triggered this eppisode. We had to deal with a religious movement of Advant Christians with a Paster named Jeff Tarbox. He had convinced our mother that she was infested with deamons that needed to be driven out. She would always see signs and portants of things to come. Funney thing is she knew when our cousin and aunt both went into labor with absolutely no prompting. She knew when we got hurt and was there with out any one telling her. She was always on some new drug and the psychodelic trip afterwards.
Our step dad steve was the stabalizer. I rember him talking to us about one thing or another and explaining that our mother was sick. Sick in the head and he didn't know when she would get better. I remember him telling us that he felt helpless but he loved us very much. He would cry and take us to the movies while she was in the hospital and to Mc Donalds or to Goodwins Mills genral store.
I remember when I was younger before my mother was consisdered crazy I use to have visions I guess you could say of how things were gooing to happen. ESP not withstanding some times things just didn't feel right. I remember after my mother came home from the hospital that she was more the Zelot of religious things then ever. That some how the insanity was a gift from god a trial of her worthyness. Later she would find out that she could speak in toungs and that she could lay on hands on the sick and heal. She would talk of our Grandmothers Ovienas and her ability to heal. I seek my own spiritual beliefs now a days and that is how I try to recover from the trama I had as a child.
I remember when she recovered lost memories of being raped as a small child in a shoe mill by her father. How we couldn't visit our garandparents becouse they were cathlic and evil. All these things . I remember my childhood in glimpses thorugh a key hole flashes in the dark. All the things that made me who I am. I remember holdng my sister and talking about running away of building Hot air ballons to travel around the world or submariens to explore the annual rain ponds that would form in the fields.
I escaped to a landscape in my mind. I developed ways to cope by trying to do better so that my mom wouldn't worry. Mommy worrying was why she got sick. We always had to act just right and if we did then mommy would be alright. But every winter after that mommy would get sick. One year it was becouse of our cousins who drowned when I was 2. Or it was becouse she worked to much. Some times it was becouse our grandmother was poisoning her or becouse we were deamons who would drive her crazy.
I love my mother when she was happy. I forgive her for when she was crazy. I have worked trough the pain by knowing it was not my fault. I have grown stronger in life knowing that I can survive my mother going crazy, loosing all my friends, being called a deamon and being told I'm going ot hell by my own mother, being told i will be cut off like a dead limb, being homeless for two winters in maine, being kicked out in a snow storm, being told that I am crazy just liek her and should be happy to collect dissability and just stay home. I have triumphed in the Face of adversity. I have shown resolve in seeking out who "I AM". I give Tarot readings to people I feel need them. I love my sister unconditionally. I have felt Pain loss and resentment. I have felt love, joy, and freedom.
Now I walk through the world knowing who and what I am. What I have survived that it is not my fault. I have shed my tears and licked my wounds. I feel I'm all the better for it. The day mommy got sick was the day I decided I would be the srong one I would provide. The day mommy got sick was the day I became a man. the day mommy got sick was the day I knew the world wasn't fair. The day that mommy got sick was the day that I knew I was stronger then she was and I would never fear again.
Sorry I got to fly I have to work.
Love you sis
give me a call
Scott
Lost in her own insanity. She was brilliant at times and utterly with out a thought in others. The day that mommy was sick was a long time ago. I guess I may have repressed most of the things of the day becouse of all the things that came after. I wonder what it was that triggered this eppisode. We had to deal with a religious movement of Advant Christians with a Paster named Jeff Tarbox. He had convinced our mother that she was infested with deamons that needed to be driven out. She would always see signs and portants of things to come. Funney thing is she knew when our cousin and aunt both went into labor with absolutely no prompting. She knew when we got hurt and was there with out any one telling her. She was always on some new drug and the psychodelic trip afterwards.
Our step dad steve was the stabalizer. I rember him talking to us about one thing or another and explaining that our mother was sick. Sick in the head and he didn't know when she would get better. I remember him telling us that he felt helpless but he loved us very much. He would cry and take us to the movies while she was in the hospital and to Mc Donalds or to Goodwins Mills genral store.
I remember when I was younger before my mother was consisdered crazy I use to have visions I guess you could say of how things were gooing to happen. ESP not withstanding some times things just didn't feel right. I remember after my mother came home from the hospital that she was more the Zelot of religious things then ever. That some how the insanity was a gift from god a trial of her worthyness. Later she would find out that she could speak in toungs and that she could lay on hands on the sick and heal. She would talk of our Grandmothers Ovienas and her ability to heal. I seek my own spiritual beliefs now a days and that is how I try to recover from the trama I had as a child.
I remember when she recovered lost memories of being raped as a small child in a shoe mill by her father. How we couldn't visit our garandparents becouse they were cathlic and evil. All these things . I remember my childhood in glimpses thorugh a key hole flashes in the dark. All the things that made me who I am. I remember holdng my sister and talking about running away of building Hot air ballons to travel around the world or submariens to explore the annual rain ponds that would form in the fields.
I escaped to a landscape in my mind. I developed ways to cope by trying to do better so that my mom wouldn't worry. Mommy worrying was why she got sick. We always had to act just right and if we did then mommy would be alright. But every winter after that mommy would get sick. One year it was becouse of our cousins who drowned when I was 2. Or it was becouse she worked to much. Some times it was becouse our grandmother was poisoning her or becouse we were deamons who would drive her crazy.
I love my mother when she was happy. I forgive her for when she was crazy. I have worked trough the pain by knowing it was not my fault. I have grown stronger in life knowing that I can survive my mother going crazy, loosing all my friends, being called a deamon and being told I'm going ot hell by my own mother, being told i will be cut off like a dead limb, being homeless for two winters in maine, being kicked out in a snow storm, being told that I am crazy just liek her and should be happy to collect dissability and just stay home. I have triumphed in the Face of adversity. I have shown resolve in seeking out who "I AM". I give Tarot readings to people I feel need them. I love my sister unconditionally. I have felt Pain loss and resentment. I have felt love, joy, and freedom.
Now I walk through the world knowing who and what I am. What I have survived that it is not my fault. I have shed my tears and licked my wounds. I feel I'm all the better for it. The day mommy got sick was the day I decided I would be the srong one I would provide. The day mommy got sick was the day I became a man. the day mommy got sick was the day I knew the world wasn't fair. The day that mommy got sick was the day that I knew I was stronger then she was and I would never fear again.
Sorry I got to fly I have to work.
Love you sis
give me a call
Scott