Lack of...

Jan 26, 2010 00:11

...health, optimism, determination, general anything.

Feeling fairly blank right now and just wanting this lethargy to go away. I've been pretty ill for the past few days, but I can't seem to shake it off like I normally do. I've convinced myself that I'm going into work tomorrow - no matter what - just need to break through the worst of it that seems to hit me in the mornings right now.

My nightmares have been showing signs of coming back too, so right now I'm just avoiding sleep as much as I can. Which is pretty difficult when I feel like I'm falling apart whenever I move. I know that if I let myself sink too far, it could easily be a repeat of a few years ago, makes it that much harder to get back up. Any outside influence seems to roll right off me.

I feel like doing something particularly self-destructive, but I'm so far beyond doing that now. That's all over and regression has never been on the agenda. Maybe I'm just in need of an outlet, my job - as much as I love it - doesn't provide much in the way of intellectual stimulation. Writing here is cathartic, but right now emotion is kinda what I'm looking for. Should maybe go back to London this coming weekend, try to catch up with some people and hope it's smooth. Last thing I need right now is to mediate between groups of friends. Could just head to somewhere with a DDR machine and play until I can't stand - that used to help.

Could be going stir-crazy, I haven't ever stayed in one place for long. But I do want to stay here. Sometimes I just wonder if I'm strong enough.

+Zhaena+

There's nothing to keep us tied here now.

Standing in line with the science of mind,
My mind was preparing to leap.

introspection

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