"And in this darkness, I am tossing, turning, lying wide awake..."
It all hits at once, sometimes; the gravity of what you do, what you've done, and how you live your life. This past week... weekend... has simply illustrated how fractured I've allowed everything to become. I keep constantly losing track of things - mental states, notes, and what I need to do to get done.
And it all hit at once.
I came I don't know how close to losing my father this weekend, and I didn't go home. I've comforted myself by saying that I didn't run home because I knew it wasn't the right thing to do. That I've lost track of my family, and allowed a bad situation to deteriorate beyond a healthy point. A son belongs next to his father, especially in that most dark of times. Unfortunately, the politik of my family at the moment does not permit me to really... make my own decisions therein. Not comfortably. Not without having to face a million other petty-but-scathing things.
And typing without using your right index finger sucks major infected cock. Seriously, try it. I fucking dare you.
I'm angry at myself, as usual. I get stuck in these perpetual moments where I feel as if nothing I'm doing is 'good enough'. I know that's not the case, I'm sure I do. But I feel like a lazy fuck if I'm not constantly being proactive. Constantly trying to work towards something. My father gave me that, I think. A blessing and a curse?
It hurts. I'm not wholly sure what hurts - the size or shape of it - but it hurts.
Between the Cisco VoIP thing, the integration with the new building, a huge problem with the VPN hanging over my head, the alerting system, external versus internal DNS, moving my life, *trying* to keep a running, balanced checkbook without the bank locking me out at every other fucking turn because I bought gas at a 'suspect' fuel station off the beaten path too far from my home AFTER I bought a latte (not kidding), trying to get back into the whole RIT thing and literally getting screwed at the last moment, and not look like a complete and total retard in front of the most important woman of my life.
Yes. She is the most important woman in my life. All previous frames of concious and unconcious thought considered. This will put a bad taste in the mouths of some of you out there. Suck it up and move on with yourself - you're better for it. She's made me healthy, because I can come to terms with my brain on shit like this.
This is becoming fragmented, so before my mind cracks again, and I devolve into complete stream-of-subconciousness; there is light at the end of the tunnel. I can see it. I can grab it.
I am capable of being impressive. I strive to do that for others, to measure my own self worth against their reactions.
Tomorrow, I impress myself. That's a goal.
And it all hit at once.
I came I don't know how close to losing my father this weekend, and I didn't go home. I've comforted myself by saying that I didn't run home because I knew it wasn't the right thing to do. That I've lost track of my family, and allowed a bad situation to deteriorate beyond a healthy point. A son belongs next to his father, especially in that most dark of times. Unfortunately, the politik of my family at the moment does not permit me to really... make my own decisions therein. Not comfortably. Not without having to face a million other petty-but-scathing things.
And typing without using your right index finger sucks major infected cock. Seriously, try it. I fucking dare you.
I'm angry at myself, as usual. I get stuck in these perpetual moments where I feel as if nothing I'm doing is 'good enough'. I know that's not the case, I'm sure I do. But I feel like a lazy fuck if I'm not constantly being proactive. Constantly trying to work towards something. My father gave me that, I think. A blessing and a curse?
It hurts. I'm not wholly sure what hurts - the size or shape of it - but it hurts.
Between the Cisco VoIP thing, the integration with the new building, a huge problem with the VPN hanging over my head, the alerting system, external versus internal DNS, moving my life, *trying* to keep a running, balanced checkbook without the bank locking me out at every other fucking turn because I bought gas at a 'suspect' fuel station off the beaten path too far from my home AFTER I bought a latte (not kidding), trying to get back into the whole RIT thing and literally getting screwed at the last moment, and not look like a complete and total retard in front of the most important woman of my life.
Yes. She is the most important woman in my life. All previous frames of concious and unconcious thought considered. This will put a bad taste in the mouths of some of you out there. Suck it up and move on with yourself - you're better for it. She's made me healthy, because I can come to terms with my brain on shit like this.
This is becoming fragmented, so before my mind cracks again, and I devolve into complete stream-of-subconciousness; there is light at the end of the tunnel. I can see it. I can grab it.
I am capable of being impressive. I strive to do that for others, to measure my own self worth against their reactions.
Tomorrow, I impress myself. That's a goal.