Aversion Crisis
I try to keep the personal crisis posts down to a minimum, but lately that has also meant keeping my posts in general down to a minimum.
Finally I have a crisis that isn't about how I've hurt myself or others, or been damaged by the slings and arrows of financial misfortune.
No, my crisis of the moment is the realization that when I joined my job in LA I set aside all hope of being an artist of any real sort. My goal was to use my craft and skill to make a living for my new son, and set aside dreams of being anything else.
Funny thing is, to try and find work I've had to go over my collection of art and sketches, story ideas, and other forgotten dreams. While I've done this I've also watched as Beans begins to rebuild the dream of being yet another kind of artist, and watch as bassfingers pursues the more purified forms of my artistic stomping grounds. While I've frittered away my free time in a kind of personal creative cocoon my friends and relations have begun the hard work of making creative spaces safe for dreaming.
I could grab a shovel and get to work myself, but I find that what made me stop so long ago wasn't really a desire to support a family and be there for my wife and child. What stopped me trying was fear and boredom.
I get bored of my own dreams and ideas. They take too long, and I find I stop caring far too quickly. I have enough skill and enthusiasm that I can be paid to realize dreams, but I don't have a drive inside me forcing me to do art for myself.
I give up far too easily, and projects become part of the creative pile around me. Like so many artists, I get stuck, but unlike my heroes, I go watch TV and assume I'll have another chance to be great another day. So, I'm intending to make some lists of important creative crap. I'll attempt to force myself to push through the inertia and give voice to as many unspoken ideas as I can. No more albatross of unfinished dreams from years past.
Finally I have a crisis that isn't about how I've hurt myself or others, or been damaged by the slings and arrows of financial misfortune.
No, my crisis of the moment is the realization that when I joined my job in LA I set aside all hope of being an artist of any real sort. My goal was to use my craft and skill to make a living for my new son, and set aside dreams of being anything else.
Funny thing is, to try and find work I've had to go over my collection of art and sketches, story ideas, and other forgotten dreams. While I've done this I've also watched as Beans begins to rebuild the dream of being yet another kind of artist, and watch as bassfingers pursues the more purified forms of my artistic stomping grounds. While I've frittered away my free time in a kind of personal creative cocoon my friends and relations have begun the hard work of making creative spaces safe for dreaming.
I could grab a shovel and get to work myself, but I find that what made me stop so long ago wasn't really a desire to support a family and be there for my wife and child. What stopped me trying was fear and boredom.
I get bored of my own dreams and ideas. They take too long, and I find I stop caring far too quickly. I have enough skill and enthusiasm that I can be paid to realize dreams, but I don't have a drive inside me forcing me to do art for myself.
I give up far too easily, and projects become part of the creative pile around me. Like so many artists, I get stuck, but unlike my heroes, I go watch TV and assume I'll have another chance to be great another day. So, I'm intending to make some lists of important creative crap. I'll attempt to force myself to push through the inertia and give voice to as many unspoken ideas as I can. No more albatross of unfinished dreams from years past.