My Head Sounds Like That
I got to revisit the ER today and have a consult with plastics. When I went into the ER two weeks ago my head was dramatically damaged. They were really worried about my eyes not lining up, and there were threats of doing surgical work in my skull to correct the damage.
Obviously this was hard to hear. Happily they have changed their tunes in the intervening weeks. The doc I saw today was quite happy with my progress. She believed the broken skull parts were still in the right place, so they were setting correctly and there was no need for surgical intervention. I'm still many weeks away from having a healed skull, but I look normal enough to begin feeling like I can live again. I am off of pain killers, and I feel pretty normal. I'm still taking antibiotics to fight infections, but the tough part is almost over.
As an artist I have serious issues with asymmetry. I like it in design, but I want my body to be composed of two mirror halves. (It actually bothers me that my internal organs are not particularly symmetrical.) I was really scared I would come to hate my external body from now on. I'm biting around my missing tooth still, but that should change eventually. I still fear the dental bridge will mess with my sense of perfect bilateralness. (I'm weeks away from that work being done, but I am assured that modern dentistry is capable of making me feel whole again.)
The emotional scars will take longer, obviously. I went from feeling like I needed to stand and change the neighborhood to feeling like I want to slink away and let it rot alone. This will probably cost us a fortune, since selling our house in this market is - well, not a profit driven move. I'm hoping we can rent the house to someone else while we stay somewhere new for a year or so. Then we can try and put the house on the market when our amortization schedule is slightly better, and the market has had a chance to recover. Staying in the neighborhood while these new groups take up residence and run drugs is simply not an option. I can't stage a war on my own, and I have little faith that the cops can move the problem with any speed. They've been fighting these new issues all year, and they are as overwhelmed and frustrated as I am. In the long run most of my street has little interest in making things safer. There a re several new bars that are catering to a tougher crowd, and the fights between the traditional tranny scene and thee new jerks are a constant annoyance. The old motorcycle guys are also pretty pissed at the new crowds.
Pain and humility aren't usually my bailiwick, but I'm learning a lot about the parts of life I tend to ignore. Feeling vulnerable is a new thing for me. I was raised to glom on to joy and ignore fear. I guess that has lead me to being vulnerable in this situation, but I'm not sure if I want to change just because I was beaten down. Then again, if I remain committed to being unafraid I'll need to invest time and energy in self defense and better ability to read strangers for danger signs. I let myself walk into a situation with a crack head who was already fighting with another man and NONE of my warning lights went off in my head. I fully expected him to back down. Often that has worked for me, but this one time the guy wanted me to shut up and either force his hand or leave him alone. Since I have no game (frakin' pacifists) I was in over my head. I can take a few hits, but this guy was packing more anger than I've seen in a long time, and he had hammers for fists.
Living in a 'safe' neighborhood should help. I was keyed up about protecting the whole family from these weirdoes, but now I can simply trust that my normal level of skill with blunt objects, basic defense, and psych warfare will protect us once we're in less dangerous waters.
Obviously this was hard to hear. Happily they have changed their tunes in the intervening weeks. The doc I saw today was quite happy with my progress. She believed the broken skull parts were still in the right place, so they were setting correctly and there was no need for surgical intervention. I'm still many weeks away from having a healed skull, but I look normal enough to begin feeling like I can live again. I am off of pain killers, and I feel pretty normal. I'm still taking antibiotics to fight infections, but the tough part is almost over.
As an artist I have serious issues with asymmetry. I like it in design, but I want my body to be composed of two mirror halves. (It actually bothers me that my internal organs are not particularly symmetrical.) I was really scared I would come to hate my external body from now on. I'm biting around my missing tooth still, but that should change eventually. I still fear the dental bridge will mess with my sense of perfect bilateralness. (I'm weeks away from that work being done, but I am assured that modern dentistry is capable of making me feel whole again.)
The emotional scars will take longer, obviously. I went from feeling like I needed to stand and change the neighborhood to feeling like I want to slink away and let it rot alone. This will probably cost us a fortune, since selling our house in this market is - well, not a profit driven move. I'm hoping we can rent the house to someone else while we stay somewhere new for a year or so. Then we can try and put the house on the market when our amortization schedule is slightly better, and the market has had a chance to recover. Staying in the neighborhood while these new groups take up residence and run drugs is simply not an option. I can't stage a war on my own, and I have little faith that the cops can move the problem with any speed. They've been fighting these new issues all year, and they are as overwhelmed and frustrated as I am. In the long run most of my street has little interest in making things safer. There a re several new bars that are catering to a tougher crowd, and the fights between the traditional tranny scene and thee new jerks are a constant annoyance. The old motorcycle guys are also pretty pissed at the new crowds.
Pain and humility aren't usually my bailiwick, but I'm learning a lot about the parts of life I tend to ignore. Feeling vulnerable is a new thing for me. I was raised to glom on to joy and ignore fear. I guess that has lead me to being vulnerable in this situation, but I'm not sure if I want to change just because I was beaten down. Then again, if I remain committed to being unafraid I'll need to invest time and energy in self defense and better ability to read strangers for danger signs. I let myself walk into a situation with a crack head who was already fighting with another man and NONE of my warning lights went off in my head. I fully expected him to back down. Often that has worked for me, but this one time the guy wanted me to shut up and either force his hand or leave him alone. Since I have no game (frakin' pacifists) I was in over my head. I can take a few hits, but this guy was packing more anger than I've seen in a long time, and he had hammers for fists.
Living in a 'safe' neighborhood should help. I was keyed up about protecting the whole family from these weirdoes, but now I can simply trust that my normal level of skill with blunt objects, basic defense, and psych warfare will protect us once we're in less dangerous waters.