My Mother's Passing (written last year, 2015)
My Mother passed away on March 19th, 2014. She was a wonderful Mother, I loved her very much. Her death was unexpected. No one knew of her condition and there were no warning signs. I am still coping with the fact that this is a reality and not some farce. The anniversary of her passing is looming too quickly, in just 3 months. We just finished with Christmas not two weeks ago and now her anniversary is coming up so fast. Too fast. I miss her so much. Each day I am reminded of the beauty she left on this earth. Her caring and compassion. I couldn't of asked for a nicer person to raise me as a mother. She loved to dance and sing. She was a teacher of mentally challenged and emotionally disturbed children. She also taught Sunday school at her church.
She passed from Bronchial Pneumonia combined with a heart condition, cardiac fibrosis. I just learned the second part of that over the Christmas break from my sister-in-law, Jenny. She told me this information can be hereditary, so I have called my doctor and they are going to call me back tomorrow afternoon for a consoltation.
My best friend, Jessica has mentioned to me a couple of times to see a greif conselor. I have not done thins, I don't feel comfortable in discussing my personal feelings and emotions with a stranger. So I thought journaling would help me to write down how I am feeling, so that I don't have to bottle it all up inside. Today has been a high anxiety day for me. It feels like a hand is crushing at my heart. I wanted to leave work early today because I couldn't stop crying toward the last hour of my shift, but I stuck it out. It was hard to talk on the phone to customers without my voice quavering.
I was 32 when she passed, now I am 33. I am not done with having a mother. I still have a need for her to call me and talk with me about what is going on in each other's lives. I just broke down crying when I typed that last sentence. I envisoned myself having an elderly mother, like she had with my grandmother who is in her early 90's now. My Mother was only 62 when she passed. This is the last picture that was sent to me by my Dad before she passed. He captioned it, "Getting ready for the Sochi Games."
How could she of passed so recently after this picture was taken? She was so healthy and active with no symptoms. My parent's moved to Colorado a few years ago to live near my nieces. In this picture she was cross country skiing. No matter how much time has passed, I keep expecting her to give me a call and tell me about her week. For her to talk about how she had been grading papers and she was still in her classroom.