Obscure ramblings.
You know what it's like when you're running at top speed and you have so much momentum that it seems impossible to slow down? That's what my life feels like. No one is keeping me going but myself. It's probably a good idea to slow down -- I might have (yet another) complete mental breakdown -- but for some reason I don't really want to. The wind in my face feels wonderful, and there's an amazing sense of freedom that comes from leaving the known world behind in the dust.
No matter how much I whine or complain about the ridiculous and unprecedented workload I've created for myself, I've realized through much reading and philosophizing that it's all been worth it, and so much more. The sleepless nights, the headaches, and the stress are such a small price to pay for the love and appreciation I have for what I'm studying. I'm afraid to think of where I'd be now if I hadn't had the opportunity to do everything I've done in high school. And it's really all thanks to my counselor -- no one's ever believed in me like that before. Frankly, no one ever had any reason to.
But I'm still unhappy in the sense that I wish I could spend less time in a lecture hall and more time at my own white board; I wish I could spend more time asking my own questions and fulfilling my own philosophies than answering the dull questions of others. And it's especially the case in physics. In calculus, I can answer any question I want to, as long as I stick with it long enough, do the necessary research, and study the necessary mathematics. But in physics it's different -- it will not only be a very, very long time before I can answer any of my questions with a reasonable degree of mathematical and physical understanding, but I also have no inspiration to ask any interesting questions. I don't understand anything to the proper depth because the mathematics we study with isn't sophisticated enough, and without that, there's nothing useful to ask. And that's what makes it boring right now.
"To go into solitude, a man needs to retire as much from his chamber as from society. I am not solitary whilst I read and write, though nobody is with me. But if a man would be alone, let him look at the stars. The rays that come from those heavenly worlds will separate between him and what he touches. One might think the atmosphere was made transparent with this design, to give man, in the heavenly bodies, the perpetual presence of the sublime. Seen in the streets of cities, how great they are! If the stars should appear one night in a thousand years, how would men believe and adore, and preserve for many generations the remembrance of the city of God which had been shown! But every night come out these envoys of beauty, and light the universe with their admonishing smile."
-- Emerson
No matter how much I whine or complain about the ridiculous and unprecedented workload I've created for myself, I've realized through much reading and philosophizing that it's all been worth it, and so much more. The sleepless nights, the headaches, and the stress are such a small price to pay for the love and appreciation I have for what I'm studying. I'm afraid to think of where I'd be now if I hadn't had the opportunity to do everything I've done in high school. And it's really all thanks to my counselor -- no one's ever believed in me like that before. Frankly, no one ever had any reason to.
But I'm still unhappy in the sense that I wish I could spend less time in a lecture hall and more time at my own white board; I wish I could spend more time asking my own questions and fulfilling my own philosophies than answering the dull questions of others. And it's especially the case in physics. In calculus, I can answer any question I want to, as long as I stick with it long enough, do the necessary research, and study the necessary mathematics. But in physics it's different -- it will not only be a very, very long time before I can answer any of my questions with a reasonable degree of mathematical and physical understanding, but I also have no inspiration to ask any interesting questions. I don't understand anything to the proper depth because the mathematics we study with isn't sophisticated enough, and without that, there's nothing useful to ask. And that's what makes it boring right now.
"To go into solitude, a man needs to retire as much from his chamber as from society. I am not solitary whilst I read and write, though nobody is with me. But if a man would be alone, let him look at the stars. The rays that come from those heavenly worlds will separate between him and what he touches. One might think the atmosphere was made transparent with this design, to give man, in the heavenly bodies, the perpetual presence of the sublime. Seen in the streets of cities, how great they are! If the stars should appear one night in a thousand years, how would men believe and adore, and preserve for many generations the remembrance of the city of God which had been shown! But every night come out these envoys of beauty, and light the universe with their admonishing smile."
-- Emerson