My First Really Moody LJ Post (consider yourself warned)
I observed a lot of people acting kind of immature today. It was pretty much all inconsequential stuff, although some of it was rather jarring nonetheless. I mean, a high school girl calling someone she doesn't like a faggot is, when you think about it, extremely meaningless. But I still couldn't help noticing, you know? And lots of people just get freaked out or petty or hypercritical about stuff that is either out of their control or isn't worth the effort to act on. And whenever I see someone acting like this, and I know that I personally just wouldn't worry about whatever they are complaining about, it kind of disappoints me. Why can't they see that their concerns and aggression are just sort of pointless?
But on the other hand, I don't feel justified in being disappointed like this. For one, who am I, that everyone else has to live up to my expectations? For another, isn't it really immature and hypocritical on my part to be all freaked out about other people's faults when I have no intention or right or even ability to go "fix" them anyway? I'm really uncomfortable about being judgmental towards wide groups of people, even if I keep these judgments hidden or try to ignore them.
And in the end, I know the answer, which is that I should just stop worrying about it, stop even noticing it, and get on with what I can do positively with my life. But knowing what to do and actually changing how I feel are far apart. The whole thing washes out to a state where I just get sad about all the things people put themselves and each other through. Not angry, not even really disappointed, it just really makes me sad that the human race does all these pointless things, and that I'm not really above it all either. I want to go up to these people and just say "Look, please don't. I don't want to tell you what to do, or make you feel bad at all. I just am sad about this and if you care at all please don't make me watch it happen." But of course in most cases I would just look crazy. I don't even have pessimistic beliefs about the human race. I just have to get away from it, go listen to music about people being sad and write paragraphs about people being stupid, until it becomes too boring to have emotional impact on me and I can go be enthusiastic about life again.
Maybe when I say I feel old, this is what I really mean, although I don't have a fast way to explain it. I feel tired of the world, like I'm starting to become detached from it due to the sheer mindless repetition of the tragedies around me. It's almost always the same problems, the same mistakes, as have dominated all of recorded human history, and I just don't have the oomph to even disapprove of it any more. Sometimes I end up pretty forgiving and feel ok in these moods, but tonight it's sort of depressing.
I guess that's one thing I'm missing right now. There are some people who just don't do this to me, whose faults don't make me sad in the same way. But recently I just haven't gotten the chance to talk with any of them regularly, which is a shame.
But on the other hand, I don't feel justified in being disappointed like this. For one, who am I, that everyone else has to live up to my expectations? For another, isn't it really immature and hypocritical on my part to be all freaked out about other people's faults when I have no intention or right or even ability to go "fix" them anyway? I'm really uncomfortable about being judgmental towards wide groups of people, even if I keep these judgments hidden or try to ignore them.
And in the end, I know the answer, which is that I should just stop worrying about it, stop even noticing it, and get on with what I can do positively with my life. But knowing what to do and actually changing how I feel are far apart. The whole thing washes out to a state where I just get sad about all the things people put themselves and each other through. Not angry, not even really disappointed, it just really makes me sad that the human race does all these pointless things, and that I'm not really above it all either. I want to go up to these people and just say "Look, please don't. I don't want to tell you what to do, or make you feel bad at all. I just am sad about this and if you care at all please don't make me watch it happen." But of course in most cases I would just look crazy. I don't even have pessimistic beliefs about the human race. I just have to get away from it, go listen to music about people being sad and write paragraphs about people being stupid, until it becomes too boring to have emotional impact on me and I can go be enthusiastic about life again.
Maybe when I say I feel old, this is what I really mean, although I don't have a fast way to explain it. I feel tired of the world, like I'm starting to become detached from it due to the sheer mindless repetition of the tragedies around me. It's almost always the same problems, the same mistakes, as have dominated all of recorded human history, and I just don't have the oomph to even disapprove of it any more. Sometimes I end up pretty forgiving and feel ok in these moods, but tonight it's sort of depressing.
I guess that's one thing I'm missing right now. There are some people who just don't do this to me, whose faults don't make me sad in the same way. But recently I just haven't gotten the chance to talk with any of them regularly, which is a shame.