Zetsuboushita
Yesterday I had an anxiety attack. I got so nervous and nauseated I had to lie down in the nurse's office and my mom had to pick me up after second period. Then I went home and slept all day.
It's kinda weird, that I was finally getting calmer and my body threw me for a loop like that. Not to mention the bizarre dreams I've been having. I had one where I almost died from our car driving off the road on an unforseen drop after a hill (really weird, I dunno how to explain) but I just had this most horrible feeling in my stomach, the worst thing I have ever felt EVER. It was twisting up my insides and telling me "haha! you're gonna die!" and I would tell myself, "I'm not dying!" and somehow I survived. I know, it was just a dream so I wouldn't die anyway, but it was just so vivid and terrifying.
Well, today I got more news that's making me even more phisically ill. Now I have a big headache to go along with my nausea. It's actually good news- my mom has been offered a job interview for yet another company! Which in effect means I get to stay.
But you know, after I got so used to this idea, "now I'm moving", and looking forward to Brazil and its wonderful food and people and the high-standard schools- well, I just feel completely disoriented. I can't even trust that I'll stay or leave because we won't know until my mom actually takes this interview. And honestly we're both so tired and worn out. I just want to relax and not have to think about this anymore.
I love this city, and the opportunities, but I'm tired of my school and I'm tired of having to suffer one blow and disappointment after another. I wish I could say I want to stay at this point, but I don't even know what I want anymore. Even if I do go to Brazil, International School is way expensive, and my other alternative is Bom Jesus- and, I don't really want to go to Bom Jesus... Although my brother really wants me to go.
I'm exhausted.
Taylor and Emily were actually planning a farewell party for me. So sweet of them D: They wanted to go in cosplay to Little Tokyo, which to me sounds like an awesome plan. But I just don't know what to do. Maybe I need to take this opportunity and calm down a little... a lot.
It's kinda weird, that I was finally getting calmer and my body threw me for a loop like that. Not to mention the bizarre dreams I've been having. I had one where I almost died from our car driving off the road on an unforseen drop after a hill (really weird, I dunno how to explain) but I just had this most horrible feeling in my stomach, the worst thing I have ever felt EVER. It was twisting up my insides and telling me "haha! you're gonna die!" and I would tell myself, "I'm not dying!" and somehow I survived. I know, it was just a dream so I wouldn't die anyway, but it was just so vivid and terrifying.
Well, today I got more news that's making me even more phisically ill. Now I have a big headache to go along with my nausea. It's actually good news- my mom has been offered a job interview for yet another company! Which in effect means I get to stay.
But you know, after I got so used to this idea, "now I'm moving", and looking forward to Brazil and its wonderful food and people and the high-standard schools- well, I just feel completely disoriented. I can't even trust that I'll stay or leave because we won't know until my mom actually takes this interview. And honestly we're both so tired and worn out. I just want to relax and not have to think about this anymore.
I love this city, and the opportunities, but I'm tired of my school and I'm tired of having to suffer one blow and disappointment after another. I wish I could say I want to stay at this point, but I don't even know what I want anymore. Even if I do go to Brazil, International School is way expensive, and my other alternative is Bom Jesus- and, I don't really want to go to Bom Jesus... Although my brother really wants me to go.
I'm exhausted.
Taylor and Emily were actually planning a farewell party for me. So sweet of them D: They wanted to go in cosplay to Little Tokyo, which to me sounds like an awesome plan. But I just don't know what to do. Maybe I need to take this opportunity and calm down a little... a lot.