Breakdown time
You're probably going to start reading this and think, "oh QU go emo someplace else", but I need to vent somewhere, anywhere, and this is my private journal so the next paragraphs are going to be drama-filled angstcakes, ya got it?
I'm lonely. That's it. I feel so terribly alone. I' stressed out from school, so stressed I made myself sick and had to stay home today, and I feel like throwing up from anxiety, and my head hurts and I just want to cry until I don't have any tears left to cry, and maybe it's just a hormone swing or something silly like that, but I actually did cry, in front of my mother, even. I'm alone and I feel vulnerable and I just want to be able to hug my friends again. Moving is not easy. It really isn't. I have a home but I don't feel at home and I just want to feel like I belong. I love this place, I really do, the weather is wonderful and the people are friendly but wonderful weather and friendly people aren't enough. I know I think I have friends but I feel like I'm being ditched, and I feel like no one is listening, I feel like Usui actually, the kid on the school roster that no one ever notices until they do something terribly embarassing (although I do not have a bald spot). I feel so ignored and lonely it's made me sick.
And then next week my mom's off to Brazil for two weeks and I don't even know what to do. I might just spend Halloween alone because my friends just wouldn't care enough to even try and socialize me. All I've done ever since I got here is go out with my mom and while I do love her dearly it's just not enough. God I miss my friends. I miss my brother and I miss Brazil. It's killing me. Today I drank some hot chocolate from a Drogamed mug and then remembered what my brother told me last summer, that Drogamed is out of business. And I feel as if everyone is going on with their lives without me, leaving me behind. And I know it's unreasonable and silly to think this when they still obviously care for me, but I miss everyone, all the time. It's impossible to feed all this neediness. I try and drown it all through fandom (which I also love dearly) but at times I feel like I'm just delusional... like a recreational drug; fun while it lasts but afterwards you feel like crap.
And I know there's nothing I can do. When I moved from Brazil it took me six months to feel like I even had a home. I really just want to be able to scream "ZETSUBOSHITA" and then laugh at myself and say, "Julia you are one melodramatic little kitten", but of course it's not as simple as that. It's not anything I can just brush off and it's not anything I can fix either, so am I just going to feel this way for the next six months? Drown my sorrows in chocolate, or art, or fandom crack? I really just don't know.
I really wish things were simple. Like an on or off switch. This whole post is barely even coherent, I'm just streaming out thoughts as they come to me, I've been typing nonstop for the past ten minutes, and it's really almost 11 PM, and I sprayed my pillow with perfume because I saw on Yahoo news that good smells make good dreams and I really can't afford to be plagued by nightmares tonight. And now a pause.... Because I think I've let off enough steam.
Thank you.
I'm lonely. That's it. I feel so terribly alone. I' stressed out from school, so stressed I made myself sick and had to stay home today, and I feel like throwing up from anxiety, and my head hurts and I just want to cry until I don't have any tears left to cry, and maybe it's just a hormone swing or something silly like that, but I actually did cry, in front of my mother, even. I'm alone and I feel vulnerable and I just want to be able to hug my friends again. Moving is not easy. It really isn't. I have a home but I don't feel at home and I just want to feel like I belong. I love this place, I really do, the weather is wonderful and the people are friendly but wonderful weather and friendly people aren't enough. I know I think I have friends but I feel like I'm being ditched, and I feel like no one is listening, I feel like Usui actually, the kid on the school roster that no one ever notices until they do something terribly embarassing (although I do not have a bald spot). I feel so ignored and lonely it's made me sick.
And then next week my mom's off to Brazil for two weeks and I don't even know what to do. I might just spend Halloween alone because my friends just wouldn't care enough to even try and socialize me. All I've done ever since I got here is go out with my mom and while I do love her dearly it's just not enough. God I miss my friends. I miss my brother and I miss Brazil. It's killing me. Today I drank some hot chocolate from a Drogamed mug and then remembered what my brother told me last summer, that Drogamed is out of business. And I feel as if everyone is going on with their lives without me, leaving me behind. And I know it's unreasonable and silly to think this when they still obviously care for me, but I miss everyone, all the time. It's impossible to feed all this neediness. I try and drown it all through fandom (which I also love dearly) but at times I feel like I'm just delusional... like a recreational drug; fun while it lasts but afterwards you feel like crap.
And I know there's nothing I can do. When I moved from Brazil it took me six months to feel like I even had a home. I really just want to be able to scream "ZETSUBOSHITA" and then laugh at myself and say, "Julia you are one melodramatic little kitten", but of course it's not as simple as that. It's not anything I can just brush off and it's not anything I can fix either, so am I just going to feel this way for the next six months? Drown my sorrows in chocolate, or art, or fandom crack? I really just don't know.
I really wish things were simple. Like an on or off switch. This whole post is barely even coherent, I'm just streaming out thoughts as they come to me, I've been typing nonstop for the past ten minutes, and it's really almost 11 PM, and I sprayed my pillow with perfume because I saw on Yahoo news that good smells make good dreams and I really can't afford to be plagued by nightmares tonight. And now a pause.... Because I think I've let off enough steam.
Thank you.