[Halloween Fics] - TWENTY-NINE

[quakewithfear]

Yep, I told you guys I'd write them all eventually!  I was planning on doing 'em in order, but then this came along and, uh.... yeah.  You'll see what I mean.  I had Anti-Sora form slated for twenty-nine and it simply wouldn't wait.

Title:  Twenty-Nine
Author:  Xanthos Samurai
Fandom:  Kingdom Hearts II
Pairing/Characters:  Anti-Sora/Saix  (Yes, you

Comments

[kacfrog711]

I'm sorry, but when I read "smelt," all I could think of was some crack comic someone drew with the Wicked Witch of the west saying, "I'm sme~lting!" ^^;; Dictionary.com says you can use either "smelt" or "smelled," but as a personal preference, I would go with the latter (as I would with "dream," where I'd use the past tense "dreamed," unless there was a "have," in which case I'd use "dreamt"). But either is acceptable, and that's just my wacky associations. XD; So keep it if it reads naturally to you.

NONSENSE ASIDE. And onto the real crit. ^^:

"Twin golden moons stared at him..." You just compared Anti to a new moon, so it's kind of redundant to call his eyes moons, too (using the same object to compare something black and something yellow that close together). I get that Saix is moon-happy, and I love it... but be a little more subtle. X3 You compare his eyes again to moons later, and it's much more appropriate then, so I think you could drop one here.

"attempting to crush the creature beneath it. It attempted..."
and
"He summoned it back again and watched as the shadow rose from the floor again. It hissed at him again"
"The claymore had spun away and lay just out of reach a few feet away."
This is the kind of thing you catch in editing, so I'm sure you'd get them later. But watch your repetition, unless it's purposeful.

"The next thing Saix knew,"
is cliche. X3

You give the impression that Saix' spine is really severed, which would make ... um... some form of paralysis. x_x You say Saix keeps trying to get up, but the shadow keeps him down... is it the shadow (and that he's hurt), or that his back is broken (and that he's paralyzed)? XD;; Pick one and/or clarify, 'cause I was confused. ^^;

Saix was shocked when Anti sinks into the floor... but I don't think he should be. I mean, he controls heartless. He's certainly been around them enough, and he'd figure out from the look (and smell? ^_-) or Anti-Sora that he's some kind of demented heartless critter, so the floor-sinking should be... if not expected, then at least obvious. Like, "Duh, I should've seen that coming."

But crit aside... GUH. <3 I totally turned Anti when I was fighting Saix, too, and I never even considered the pairing. How FUN. <3 Like a werewolf and a black cat - how perfect. X3 I like how animalistic you make them both, but with Saix having more reason. ...I wonder how it would be if Saix were even MORE animalistic than this, totally gone and biting and using his weight to fight. <3<3 Now THAT would be sexy. ...Not that what you have isn't, because it totally is. <3 It just gives Anti the upperhand. I love him hopping up the claymore and trying to claw Saix' eyes out. XD ftw. And the ending, with them staring each other down, is just totally sexy. <3

I'd love to see you clean this up and add to it, or even just write something else about these two. Because I adore Saix, and you just make Anti-sora FUN. <3

(Although, I admit, I'd still rather see him with Riku. X3 But then again, I'd rather see Saix with Riku, too. XD;;; Oh no, my obsession is showing...)

[quakewithfear]

*laugh* I really need to give you a "best beta ever" gift just to show you how much I appreciate you actually giving me honest and thorough crit. ^^;; On the other hand, I need to learn to not post things that I write at 4 AM without first going back and editing them when I'm lucid.

I'll go back and edit this fic and use your suggestions to hopefully write another, better fic with this pairing since I'm suddenly so very fond of it. ^^;; "A werewolf and a black cat" indeed. That was almost exactly what I was going for, even though I hadn't thought about it consciously. I'll see what I can do about putting Saix at an advantage next time.

I was worried about writing Anti-Sora since I know he's one of your favorites, but I'm glad you like how he turned out!